My Onion

[NinjaFrodo]

I like to call this my onion because this whole recovery process has been like a giant Onion for me. It is really an onion of negative thoughts.

Some might know (and for those who don't), I've gotten the program about 6 years ago now and have gone through it at least a dozen times now. I've gained alot of ground going through the program but there was always something holding me back from recovery. Now in this post there are 2 things i'd like to talk about. #1 is the negative thinking and 2 the obsessive thoughts.

The negative thinking well at first i started off scraping the outer layer of the onion. I caught some negative thoughts and it was helpful as i did end up quitting smoking and getting into Collage but there were other thoughts that i didn't really catch. I mean i felt bad and was aware of that but for some reason i thought i was getting all my negative thoughts. Boy was I wrong. I think as time went on, i was able to catch more and more of the thoughts but I would only really do it like a few times a day until One day (about a week ago), I decided to go to the chat room to talk about obsessive thoughts (i'll get into that after). I found a very nice and supportive person there who had claimed to have recovered. I had asked several questions about their recovery and what they did to get there. They said they had focused on replacing the negative thoughts all the time throughout the day and to take each day one at a time. This person went from having anxiety symptoms like bewilderment all day long everyday and now they are running their own business. I thought wow. So thats when i decided to do the same. I started to focus on replacing if not stopping the negative thought (the way Ken from the tapes says thoughts only thoughts) and that seems to be making a diffrence in me. I'm starting to feel happier.

Now for the Obsessive thoughts. I have gone through the program sooooo many times and what seems to happen every time is that I start to think that the program won't work for me and that it's impossible for me to face my limitations. To an extent that was true, i mean i was able to face them but it didn't seem to get much easier for me as I would still have the obsessive thoughts. These thoughts would keep me from giving my all with the program and the activities it suggests to do and I really don't think my expectations of how i should be progressing helped. I've gone through the lesson on obsessive thinking a few times and I guess I never really sat down and tried to make my obsessive thoughts humorous. I may have tried once or twice and then not known what to do with the thoughts until i got Lucinda's book "from panic to power". In the book she suggests to take an obsessive thought, make a humerous replacement thought and read that 10X a day for 2 weeks until you get bored of the thought. Well I kinda lost count of how long i've been reading one of my humerous thoughts but it's got to be about 3 weeks now and the anxiety associated with that is actually alot less and seems to continue to dissipate. My first one was on waiting as it was such a hard thing for me to do, waiting for a commute or an activity to finish. Since then I've been writing at least 5 other ones and they seem to help me out alot. I feel very hopeful about some of the goals i have. I want to find a place to live on my own, get a job, recover, become a peer group facilitator for people with anxiety and depression, go up and talk to someone I find attractive. I feel like I'll be able to get there now. I wish everybody could feel this kind of progress and I will do my best to share with you whatever it takes for you guys to get there too.

I could post some of my obsessive thoughts and the humerous replacements if that helps, or help you with humerous replacements. Anyways I really hope that this helps even just one person.



Mike

[jillzmind]

Mike

Thanks for sharing your onion analogy. It makes sense. I appreciate your honesty and insights. A while back I was very discouraged by an attitude of I should be better "by now" and I was talking to God about that and It's like God brought to mind a example of cutting down an sapling with a chainsaw..easy right? But then you take that same chainsaw (our tools) and go cut down a Redwood. It will still cut it but it will take a lot longer and more sweat and tears perhahps? Anyway I have the mindset that I will take however long I need to get well as each layer is uncovered and dealt with and recoverd. I admire your perseverance..You Rock!
J~

[NinjaFrodo]

Yay a reply thank you. That was really sweet what you said and the chainsaw analogy is pretty cool too. I had never thought of it that way, course i never really think about chainsaws.

Another thing to keep in mind is that yes it might take you awhile to recover but that does not mean that you won't be able to enjoy yourself and have fun until you recover.


Mike

[jillzmind]

Mike I agree I plan on taking as much time as I need to stop and smell the roses..or um maybe coffee? :p
This guy in chat gave me a quote that he learned from AA

"Expectations are just pre-meditated resentments"

That is so Profound! It really made me stop and look at my attitude about so many things and about myself and my hubby and so on. I had to lower my expectations back to Real Ones and not Superhero ones ..It seems silly that I have to do that but I just go there to that unrealistic place so freakin quick.So One day at a time it is and I am learning alot. Sounds like you are too

J~

[can'tdanceandcan'trelax]

This is just an awesome thread!!! I have never even thought of expectations that way but it is exactly what I do to myself all the time. I just set myself up for resentment later on....that really IS profound. I have been trying to turn negatives to humor or positives so everything you said(Mike) was so very helpful. Thank you both for the great mind food.

[NinjaFrodo]

That is a very amazing quote. It rings so true when you think about it. I remember back when i first started the program and there were expectations I had on myself to do things that even non-anxiety sufferers would have difficulty with. Like going to go talk to someone you find attractive and the number of times I've beaten myself up for something like that. It's nuts! Its way too easy to go to that unrealistic place.

I am learning alot actually and translating alot too.

I'm glad this thread is helpful to you guys. If you need more, just ask and speaking of humor, there is one i think you guys will really get a kick out of.

I'm living with a friend right now and the way he deals with anger is he lets it build up and then explodes and yells. I've been afraid of that so i had to write through it and so i wrote down that when he yells, monkeys fall out of his mouth and slap each other on the butt and pee all over the place. It's so simple but it works!


Mike

[can'tdanceandcan'trelax]

Hi Mike...that is so great! My husband does exactly the same thing and it pushes my anxiety into overdrive. I will definately picture monkeys the next time he explodes. If I am laughing hysterically, maybe he will think I've finally gone over the edge and it will calm him down.

[NinjaFrodo]

lol thats cute. At least it would make some kind of change in response. If you're affected by the humorus thought as i am, you might also see yourself just standing there looking at him like he's stupid and thinking to yourself "is that it?". Thats how i feel. That friend hasn't yelled at me in awhile before i wrote the humorus statement but he has given me crap for not doing something he asked me to do and before that would cause me lots of anxiety, and after that happened i thought "is that it?". I wasn't scared that time.


Mike

[can'tdanceandcan'trelax]

Hi Mike....I actually used your vision of monkeys tonight. My husband was yelling and I cracked up laughing, my son started laughing and then my husband started laughing because we were. It totally defused the situation! I will try the "is that it?" look next, thanks for the great advice! Have a wonderful night/morning. (BTW, from looking at my earlier post it appears that just can't spell definitely......sorry if you can't make sense of what I'm typing-not good at it)

[NinjaFrodo]

Wow you actually started laughing, you made it that real for yourself. I'm glad it defused the situation, thats great. Did you end up telling them about the monkeys falling out of his mouth image? I can't believe you actually burst out laughing.

Don't worry about spelling things perfectly, I don't speak perfect anymore.

Mike