Stress Center Peer Support

I am divorced after a 19 year loveless marriage to a woman who hated sex. Our love life was about as bad as it gets and the last 8 years off our marriage was totally without physical contact.

Since my divorce the few times I have tried to be with a woman again have not worked out well. I get so uptight that I can hardly feel a thing. This has really shaken my confidence. It's not a physical problem. I just get so anxious that my mind totally disconnects from my body.

I just met someone I really like who is very beautiful and very sensual. We live a few states apart so have no met in person yet. I've been honest with her about my anxiety and she has been very understanding. Tonight though when just talking about getting on a webcam for the first time (just to chat) I got so anxious that a ton of physical symptoms. If this happened in person I think it would ruin our meeting. I'm afraid getting relaxed enough to successful be intimate but take longer than most women would be willing to wait.

I take meds for anxiety. I suffer mostly from general anxiety. I have no problems driving, traveling, public speaking, etc. I don't worry about most things. My anxiety seems to be more post-traumatic stress syndrome from an alcoholic parent and then a terrible marriage. When I listen to the tapes from the series most things do not seem to apply to me yet clearly I am not at peace.

I very much want to love and be loved but fear I will be not be able to perform sexually.

Anyone been there? Any ideas?

I am a 35 year old woman and I think its my weight keeps me from feeling sexy even thow I am only 150 lbs at 5'2. But my ex always thought I should be skinny so after my divorce it has been hard for me as well. I know its in my head but I can't get past it either. I have lost weight and got to 130 lbs but I still didn't feel sexy so I know its got to be in my head. Maybe it takes time to heal from our past or mybe we have not found the right person yet. Hang in there this to shall pass. Bria

Hi, to the first poster.

Obviously, the anger, frustration, lovelessness regarding sex in your marriage is affecting your new relationship.

Feelings about will your needs be met, Will you have to suffer to have a partner, and can you express your feelings and get a satisfactory resolution sound like they're coming up in a big way regarding this new relationship.

I know it's simple, but it may be helpful to remind yourself your new love interest is not your ex-wife. She is a completely new person who already accepts your anxieties (the things most of us like to keep private.) You get to maintain your boundaries, while safely pushing out of your comfort zone, because she respects your boundaries, wherever they are!!

I have a similar experience. I had severe social panic - didn't like to be in crowds or in places full of people, or even around people I didn't know. I met a guy, and from the start I told him about it, and it was immediately accepted.

We got on the train a few days after our first date for an 8 minute ride, and I felt like a complete weirdo - like I was the most embarrassing person in the world, and I had to get off the train so I wouldn't embarrass myself (and get rejected by him.) I too got a lot of phys. symptoms that are socially frowned upon. He got off with me. And didn't say a negative word. He didn't even notice I was freaking out!!

I bring it up in relation to your webcam nerves. Take deep breaths And I'm telling you, yoga is amazing! And having an "Assertive Journal" is amazing as well.

If you are honest, if you are checking in with yourself and with her, and if you are making your recovery a priority, and engaging WITH her, thinking her needs are as important as your own and working to meet her needs, give it a go!

Regarding sexual performance:

Can I recommend a really good book from a man who struggled with erectile disfunction, "She Comes First." (It's on Amazon.) We all have different ideas of sex, but the universal agreement is that good sex is when you feel good. I hope this isn't crass, but "foreplay" is where most women get theirs. If she's satisfied and satiated without the "normal" idea of hetero sex, my friend, she is happy and you have no pressure and space to move at your own pace.

Best!