Needing Encouragement

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lorabaileyeku
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue May 27, 2014 5:50 pm

Needing Encouragement

Post by lorabaileyeku » Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:36 pm

Hi there,
This is kind of weird sharing with people I don't know, but I am having difficulty with obsessive negative thoughts and could use encouragement.

To keep it short, I was diagnosed with depression in 2010 and then in 2011 was diagnosed with OCD which was confirmed with several psychiatrists and therapists.

In January of this year I was fired from a job I had been promoted to. Prior to the promotion, I was dealing with frequent panic attacks and depression, but fortunately had built a solid reputation as a horticulture technician. My work started declining in the third year and I started experiencing financial troubles so I applied for a Horticulture Agent position in a county closer to my home.

My promotion was easy and positive. I found out that I was the University and the county's first choice for the position. Upon my hire County Agents throughout Kentucky were asking about me and mentioning they had heard positive things about me. But I was overwhelmed, and depressed. I didn't have the same support system, had a long commute, and worked in a very negative environment. I had difficulty balancing tasks initially and being timely. I often found myself obsessed with details or tasks that required organization and did them because I was overwhelmed by the other daunting tasks. I also had difficulty "schmoozing" which was a big part of the job. Part of it was because I was greatly intimidated and also because the environment was very negative. Fellow agents and co-workers gossipped and complained frequently. When I didn't join in it was perceived as "anti-social" by director. I had a particular colleague who complained about me being late to an event he wasn't even hosting. I already had suspicions about his character and had heard from other colleagues that he can be a "bitch". There were times that he was abrasive and inappropriate, but I opted not to complain because I didn't think it was a professional way to handle things. But when this complaint was shared with my supervisor it was like I couldn't do anything to redeem myself. I took on extra responsibilities, made progress, but it was never acknowledged. A few months into my hire, per the suggestion of my appointed mentor I mentioned to my supervisor that I had OCD and felt it was affecting my work. He laughed at me. And instead of sending me to WorkLife for counseling, he sent me to meet the Equal Employment Office to discuss my condition and possible accomodations. I did not want to be viewed as being disabled, but requested accomodations which were never made. I felt uneasy in the meeting because I didn't know if the person I was speaking to even had any professional, clinical experience with OCD. She said it was just me having difficulty transitioning to my new job. I shared my concerns with colleagues and they were sympathetic---on my side, but I ended up being fired anyway. After being fired my supervisor kissed me on my forehead and I felt like I had disappointed my Grandpa.

At first I was optimistic and relieved to be freed from such a negative, narcissistic environment. But then my depression worsened to the point of contemplating suicide. Being fired from the University affected my personal hopes and goals in life which included becoming a horticulture professor. I started obsessing over applying for jobs. The University appealed my request for unemployment saying that I had shown "misconduct". The government ruled in my favor twice, but it was still hard to read the evidence they presented. My supervisor told them that he thought I was a very sweet girl but that I didn't have the capacity to do the job.

My hygiene worsened--sometimes showering only once a week. I took less medicine and inconsistently. I watched TV obsessively and didn't eat or go outside much. I didn't really even leave my room. I had job interviews requested by employers throughout the country, but I was uncertain about moving and at that time ignored social contact. Eventually I accepted a job with a local nursery, but it wasn't cost efficient with the distance, my job description wasn't clear, nor were my hours. I also wasn't enjoying it. So I quit after only 3 days.

On the day that I quit I realized that the things I enjoyed, I wasn't enjoying any more and questioned if all my hopes of being a horticulturist were a dead dream. That depressed me. For the first time in my life, I felt truly hopeless and created a suicidal plan. I contemplated it for a week, but the urge was strong so I confessed to my parents, who admitted me to a psychiatric hospital.

Since then I've started this program which is slowly helping, but I find myself backsliding a bit. I've started facing some fears like looking at my old job's website. But seeing the new hort agent makes me re-experience the feelings of regret and hopelessness. I was perfect for that job and it's a field I had enjoyed. I was just in the wrong spot at the wrong time. And now, because I was fired I am unemployable at the University at any level. If I choose to go to graduate school there (it's the only school with a graduate program in horticulture) I will have to work with the same people I used to and that will be embarrassing. I feel like I messed up something great even though really I know this is ultimately a good thing. It was a negative environment with shady people and it opened up a time to focus on recovery and perhaps return to graduate school which I have been avoiding for a long time. I remind myself of this, but sometimes it's just nice to hear this from others.

You know things are bad when you start googling "what to do with my life" for some sort of answer. If anyone can offer some encouragement or insight I would be so grateful today!

randy c.
Posts: 187
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 10:27 pm

Re: Needing Encouragement

Post by randy c. » Sun Jul 13, 2014 10:48 am

lora, I can see why you would be depressed from reading your post. If it upsets you to go to their website,dont go. You need to focus on you right now. Take some time,work on the program. Check out the forums and chat room, theres lots of folks you can share your story with. Good luck. ;)

lorabaileyeku
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue May 27, 2014 5:50 pm

Re: Needing Encouragement

Post by lorabaileyeku » Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:07 pm

Thanks randyc! That is good advice. I keep obsessing on the past and it makes me fear the future. :-/ Thanks for encouraging me today!

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