any suggestions? working on things since absence of zoloft

[mmwillie928]

well, i have been off the zoloft for at least a few weeks now. things were going pretty good. in fact, i felt like things were going great. then i ran into this wall, where i felt like i wasn't sure i wanted to do my job as a server cause i have this fear of sending someone out on the road after serving them a few drinks with their meal and them ending up in an accident. i mean, i like serving tables, but this has been on my mind a lot lately for a while. i figure i need to mention it to my manager cause i haven't figured what i want to do about it. i haven't run into a situation so far where i felt i had to worry about this. i know the state of NH we aren't suppose to serve someone who appears intoxicated and/or serve more than 4 drinks to a person. but i have been thinking that more than 2 drinks with a meal seems like someone could be a bit inebriated and im not sure i know how to tell if some people are drunk and not to serve them. so i feel i should bring my concern about this to my manager. i figure it is part of overcoming my fear of what someone else will think of me if i tell them about my fear/worry.
i have thought about talking to my boss for about 2 weeks maybe. i allowed myself to be brought down by it, so i slid from doing the program and was down and out of it for some of the time. i am working on getting back on track of taking care of myself with doing the program and exercise.
i told my brother about my worry about serving alcohol and he asked me if i was worried about how i would handle a situation where i would have to say no to serving someone. i think that could be part of it, and i didn't see it that way.
i haven't been serving for long. i enjoy it and the pay is better than what i was getting before. i wouldn't want to run from doing it cause i was afraid to do something or worried how i would handle it.
past few days, since i was off track on taking care of myself and am not getting back, i have been having a hell of a time with my anxiety. i keep practicing the 6 steps and using positive talk. it does help, but i have been having a hell of a time accepting the fact that i am anxious in the first place. i get real frustrated like i want to cry and feel afraid that i am a weirdo and what people might think of me. i went over session 3 tonight and Lucinda talks about being ok with yourself no matter how you find yourself, even when you are anxious or down. it is encouraging to hear that. i just feel it is hard for me a lot of times. i don't know if i am over doing it in trying to accept myself as anxious. like sometimes i feel ok just accepting in my head that i am anxious and leaving it at that, but then i feel like im not doing things correctly by not writing in my notepad so i write and i don't know if im trying too hard to make myself accept that i am anxious, but sometimes i get frustrated and want to cry. maybe it is that i am trying too hard at times. i also wonder if i should just tell myself i am ok, it's ok to be anxious and leave it at that even if my emotions aren't saying i agree. hmmm...that sounds good. i tell ya though. those emotions can really get me frustrated. maybe i need to give them less importance.
i tell ya, i am so worried lately about being worried. i really feel like i am a freak or something is wrong with me and i want to fight being worried or anxious so bad that i am afraid to let myself think a thought, or if i go to do something i hesitate from doing it cause i don't want to do something out of fear or do something OCD. this evening i was getting to the point where i was telling myself to let myself think thoughts and to just do things. if i am anxious it doesn't mean something is wrong with me. i just have anxiety. im not perfect, no one is and it's all right.and if i am anxious i can help myself out of it.
it may take me a while to get back in the swing of things since i was down and out for a bit, and maybe since i have been off zoloft for a few weeks now.
i will work on remembering that i am ok even if i am anxious or down, and to let myself live life and not be afraid of being anxious. im ok.
anyone with comments or helpful suggestions, i am open. besides i love having people to talk with on here. i don't come on here often, so if i don't reply right away that would be why.