Feeling Empty Insight

[NinjaFrodo]

I was hanging out with a friend yestaurday and I shared with her something personal I wrote and well when I wrote it I felt really satisfied, I was angry but it felt good to be angry. I was focusing on who I was writting it to but when I shared it with this friend it didn't really feel like too much. I had disassociated myself from the emotions, I was not visualizing saying these things to the person I was writing the letter to like I did when I wrote it, I was focusing on the person I was reading it to and well I didn't really feel anything for the most part. This opened me up to realizing the next day as to why and made me realize alot more about how i've lived life in the last 16 years.

I did not connect the emotions to the words just like i hadn't connected them with everything else I've been doing for the most part. I had to supress my emotions in order to cope with all the damage I got from my childhood and in order to do that I would dissassociate or become all spacy or bewildered and it was as if I was living life as if I was seeing it in a movie. It didn't feel like me, I didn't feel like I was real or what was going on around me and thats because I was trying to supress my emotions by disconnecting from them. It helped when I was still in danger but it just continued to carry on.

That disconnection is what made everything meaningless. They say when you are hurting to talk about that in order to let it go but no matter how much i talked about my pain, it never went away because I was not allowing myself to connect with those feelings. It was as if I was talking about someone else's story and had a deadness to my words. This splashed into every other area of my life. I couldn't understand other people and relate to them because I could not connect with the feelings, I would just feel empty and not understand why. Nothing really seemed to matter, nothing really gave me pleasure because I wouldn't let it, I tried to supress the feelings that I truely wanted to experience in life because of my fear of them. It terrified me to feel anything because if I did then all the pain and suffering could come back and what-if I couldn't control myself and I didn't have anybody to turn to. So instead I settled with a very unsatisfying and gloomy life. People came in and out of my life like water, I couldn't seem to hold onto any kind of relationship with anybody. I didn't even like being around people because it just brought back up that empty feeling and I hated myself for that. Why couldn't I be like everybody else?

This kept me from connecting with clients during my shiatsu career, it kept me from enjoying myself with fun activities and I just resisted doing them, It also kept me from being able to enjoy my creativity and my accomplishments. I couldn't even seen to visualize anything when I closed my eyes. That was the price for not feeling. My life fell apart and I became lonely even with people who cared about me. I didn't want to feel and I got that for the most part at least with the positive feelings but I was still stuck with anger, fear, guilt, shame and jealousy.

I also didn't believe that I had a right to my feelings. In the beginning of my depression I would talk about them and people would just cut me off and gave me the message that my feelings are misplaced and I shouldn't be feeling that way or thinking the way I was but in all reality my feelings were never wrong based on my experience and what I went through. I was responding the way anybody would in my shoes its just these people didn't feel comfortable with what I was saying and wanted to help but didn't want to get involved with the emotions as well so they just tried to make things "right" without knowing all the facts or getting the information as to why i was thinking or feeling that way and I think that did alot more damage than it did help.

So from that conversation I had with my friend I have realized that the most important thing is to connect with my emotions and honor them even if I or anybody else doesn't agree with them. They are there for a reason and just because someone else doesn't think they are "right" doesn't mean they aren't "right" for me. In order to get my life back, I need to connect back with my emotions and stop hiding behind whats "right" and whats "wrong"



Mike

[THH]

MIKE!!!!
Hey, great connection!
************

So from that conversation I had with my friend I have realized that the most important thing is to connect with my emotions and honor them even if I or anybody else doesn't agree with them. They are there for a reason and just because someone else doesn't think they are "right" doesn't mean they aren't "right" for me. In order to get my life back, I need to connect back with my emotions and stop hiding behind whats "right" and whats "wrong"

**************


Marvelous!

[NinjaFrodo]

Thank you. Am starting to connect my emotions with my words now, if you haven't noticed.



MIke

[Kait]

Wow! Thank you Mike for posting this.
I too have had a traumatic childhood and never wanted to feel anything, due to the fear of those hurt feelings...Reading this just connected something deeply for me too, thank you for sharing!

[NinjaFrodo]

Your welcome kate. It was pretty big for me to get that insight. Definately check out my posts, i just started to go through the program all over again. You'll see my posts in each lesson. I'm on lesson 1 right now.


MIke

[Layha Rae]

Mike feelings are neither right or wrong they just are. Emotions are energy in motion, that's why they are so powerful @ times. We just have to remember to say in the precious present moment. Good thoughts coming your way. Lyla