April 18th
***Very Intense post and more than likely to trigger anxiety just to warn you*** Do not read if you don't feel like you can handle it right now!
Freewriting
I'm going to end up going home after I'm done house sitting to find that the landlord wants us to move out. I always have to move out after or around the 1 year mark, it always happens that way. The landlord is really picky with cleanliness and us tenants haven't lived up to the expectations, we are slobs! He has shown his dissapointment several times and he could only take it for so long and I had those really intense feelings last week that he was going to kick us out and I've had times in the past where those feelings were right. I"m scared because I don't htink I can find another place in time and who would even want to have me there anyways? How would I even transport my stuff? I can't handle lying to people anymore about how I get income, Its so hard to be around people that I"m lying to because I know what I did was wrong but I couldn't help it, I need to survive. He could have found out that I was lying and just want to kick me out and I can not go back to living with that one friend, that place was aweful for me, I just wanted to die when I was living there, I felt so hopeless and depressed and isolated. I barely got through that time and I don't think I could do that again, its too hard to endure and I can't handle those really annoying birds and how negative my friend is, I don't want to keep struggling like this anymore. Its so hard to just survive and make it through the day, I just want to feel safe and secure and loved but I don't feel that right now. I keep getting situations where things seem really doomed and I can barely function. I don't want to keep going through that suffering again and again and again, its too hard on me. I just want to live like everybody else, why can't I do that? Why does life have to be so difficult? Why did I have to go through such a horrible upbringing and be ripped off emotionally? I should have been cared about, protected, loved and given what I needed in order to get through life but I didn't get that, instead I got abused, ignored and treated like garbadge. Those people deserve to suffer, not me. I did nothing wrong and its not fair! What happened to me wasn't fair and I will make them all pay for what they have done to me. What they deserve is to go through exactly the same thing as what I went through. They deserve to have everybody turn against them and be alone. They deserve to be disowned and have to deal with all this crap on their own. They deserve 15 years of guilt and suffering. How could anybody let this crap happen to another human being? I was just a kid and I had to be an adult at the same time. I had to make decisions that I shouldn't have had to make and I was expected to respond in the "right" way and they never had to take responsibility for their actions. Why do I have to take responsibliity for the negative things that I've done when what they did was 1000s times worse then what I had done? This is crap and i'm glad what I did bothered them, they deserve it and a whole lot more. They do not deserve my respect or my pity and they dug their own grave and I hope they are being tortured by their mind just like i've been tortured by my own for years! If I hadn't have gone through this then maybe I'd be enjoying my life right now or making something of myself. Maybe I'd be living instead of just coping. Man did I ever get ripped off in this life! I just want to be able to live life like everybody else. I just want to be able to enjoy life and feel free. I just want this nightmare to end. I've worked really really hard and been the nicest and most considerate person I could be, I deserve it! I'll get to where I need to go, I'll get my life together its only a matter of time. Things happen for a reason and the reason is for me to help other people later on and make this world a better place and help kids that were like me as well. I have the group for the sexual abuse survivors coming up and that will be the best place to get what I have lacked in my life. I can't go back and give myself what i was lacking but I can create it right now. I can build a better life for myself and I can get closer and I can get to a point where I can let go of the feelings associated with my pain. It will get easier and life will become more enjoyable but i'm still in the transission period right now. In my past I hadn't really allowed myself to feel these negative feelings, I resisted them but now I'm going to allow myself to feel however I'm feeling and be whoever I am and I'll be able to let my feelings go more and more. I am emptying out those feelings from the past and good feelings are filling up the spaces where the negative feelings resided. I am already feeling the effects of what i'm doing, it feels wonderful and the more I do it, the more wonderful I will feel. I don't need to get these feelings out all at once, it is a process and it takes time but I can start to feel better and happy right now! I am strong and I have the fighters spirit in me. I am like Xena in the way that I have done really amazing things and that I am helping others. I am following my path and I am a remarkable person to have gone through all the crap I've gone through and still survived. I will get recognized for what i've done and I will be loved and accepted and appreciated. My life is getting better and I am more capable of handling these negative thoughts and feelings, I am feeling more secure and I have alot of potential. Whatever I want I can bring into my life and whoever I want to be I can make that happen to and all those things I've hated about myself are ok to have. Even if I am judgemental, hateful and jealous at times, its alright because it is my minds way of dealing with the feelings I have stored up inside me and I can go back and appologize to people that I've hurt and if i spend time each day allowing myself to be this way then I eventually won't need it so much anymore. No matter what happens I will find a way to survive and to get to where I need to get to. If i need to find another place to live then I can go ahead and do so, if I need to ask someone if i can stay at their place for awhile until i find a place well I can do that as well, If i need to vent to other people well I can certainly do that as well. I have what I need to get through my problems and problems are opportunities to better myself, learn and grow. I could wind up with someone even better as a result to problems.
Mike
Letting go
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NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Re: Letting go
Here is a pretty good song I would listen to sometimes when I was upset and feeling really down. I found some comfort and relieve in it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXFHf8xZ1CA Frozen by Madonna
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NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Re: Letting go
So I have been writing a bit for my book that I'm planning to get published sometime in the near future and one situation actually came up that really bothered me.
In my past I had a terrible experience with the school bus I was on. I had minimized the experience by telling myself its not that bad when in reality it was actually really aweful. I believe my mind was trying to protect me by supressing it but now it has started to come up as I have been allowing myself to feel the crap!
These kids on the bus made fun of me, they got into fights with me, they smashed my head against the window, destroyed my stuff, threw stuff at me, one day they even took a pad and put red sticky goo on it and stuck it onto my coat, they called me a pedofile and they even tried to attack me with sharp pencils and even scissors! I was terrified to even go on the bus and I would stay up really late at night because i didn't want the next day to come and I only felt safe at that time.
It got really severe and I did talk to the principal about the situation and all he could really do was talk to the bus driver and switch me to another bus route. My mother didn't want me to switch the bus routes because it was too expensive for her to drop me off at another location every morning on the bus. She would rather I suffer instead! And after that conversation with the principal the bus driver was also against me. Nobody defended me or was on my side on the bus...it was me against them.
So nothing was being done and nobody seemed to care! I felt so much rage from being in that situation as well as rage from being sexually abused and being gay and I had some really really dark thoughts. I would spend most days on the bus imagining getting revenge...imagining doing the same thing to the people who were pulling that crap on me and even homocidal thoughts...thoughts of bringing a gun onto the bus and shooting everybody and then doing the same to the people who let me be molested. It was really really rough and I was afraid of sharing that with anybody...and even afraid of sharing that with people now! But I talked to a few epople about this and I did not scare them away. They related to me and empathized with me. It has been a very dark part of myself and I was really afraid of it but I let myself think of that situation and how I felt and I accepted that I was thinking that way and it brought relief that I told myself it was ok and more relief when other's did as well. It was some really scary stuff but I faced that and I was accepted even for that part of who I am. It felt satisfying to go back there because I went back there...I accepted it, I let myself feel the feelings and I felt a release. Very therapeutic!
Mike
In my past I had a terrible experience with the school bus I was on. I had minimized the experience by telling myself its not that bad when in reality it was actually really aweful. I believe my mind was trying to protect me by supressing it but now it has started to come up as I have been allowing myself to feel the crap!
These kids on the bus made fun of me, they got into fights with me, they smashed my head against the window, destroyed my stuff, threw stuff at me, one day they even took a pad and put red sticky goo on it and stuck it onto my coat, they called me a pedofile and they even tried to attack me with sharp pencils and even scissors! I was terrified to even go on the bus and I would stay up really late at night because i didn't want the next day to come and I only felt safe at that time.
It got really severe and I did talk to the principal about the situation and all he could really do was talk to the bus driver and switch me to another bus route. My mother didn't want me to switch the bus routes because it was too expensive for her to drop me off at another location every morning on the bus. She would rather I suffer instead! And after that conversation with the principal the bus driver was also against me. Nobody defended me or was on my side on the bus...it was me against them.
So nothing was being done and nobody seemed to care! I felt so much rage from being in that situation as well as rage from being sexually abused and being gay and I had some really really dark thoughts. I would spend most days on the bus imagining getting revenge...imagining doing the same thing to the people who were pulling that crap on me and even homocidal thoughts...thoughts of bringing a gun onto the bus and shooting everybody and then doing the same to the people who let me be molested. It was really really rough and I was afraid of sharing that with anybody...and even afraid of sharing that with people now! But I talked to a few epople about this and I did not scare them away. They related to me and empathized with me. It has been a very dark part of myself and I was really afraid of it but I let myself think of that situation and how I felt and I accepted that I was thinking that way and it brought relief that I told myself it was ok and more relief when other's did as well. It was some really scary stuff but I faced that and I was accepted even for that part of who I am. It felt satisfying to go back there because I went back there...I accepted it, I let myself feel the feelings and I felt a release. Very therapeutic!
Mike
Re: Letting go
i appreciate all the ladder system I have really big highs and lows and I have been pushing my family away by my controlling ways. when I get in my head the way things were supposed to go I cant let go of it or back down. I would appreciate any feed back because I don't sleep after it and wont let it go I bring up the past a lot. im not sure how to stop that