New here and Need some help PLEASE

[aknight]

I am new to this forum. I am 28 and mother of 2.

I was diagnosed with panic dosorder in October 2009. Though I had mild anxiwety treated with Celexa for 4 years in college. I had my first panic attack on the way home from a weekend away and had to go to the ER for Valium to make the 4 hour drive home with my family (husband and 2 kids). After that I spent a week in shock and unable to do much which slowly got a little better. Then I had a second one a month later. It was horrible. The second really shook me. I was unable to do things for a bit. My husband had to drive us everywhere. I couldn't work some days, I shook, was scared of the next attack etc. I staerted Zoloft before the second one, journaling, reading alot (have Panic away, When Panic Attacks, The Anxiety and Phibia workbook), I did yoga each day, worked out each day, journaled to give positive statements and counter thoughts.

By 6 weeks After being on 50 mg Zoloft I was "ok". I was able to go on a trip for thanksgiving to GA (in a plane) using small amout of xanax to get there. I progressivly did get better and I know this bc I was doing things I couldnt do at one point and bc I did journal a little bit. I know in January I didnt have morning anxiety anymore. I was seeing a psycologist and working on CBT and my thought process. I "THOUGHT" he was helping etc. I was in a good place in May. I had gone on several trips with my family including car and plane rides, I had gone on one plane ride to FL with just my mom. I was working normally for months (I sub teach), I was doing normal things without a thought. So in March we started weaning down the Zoloft (1 month 25 mg, 1 month 12.5 mg, 2 months 12.5 mg every other day). Things were good. I had some anxiety now and again esp before my period but nothing terrible. I got discharged from therapy in the beggning of May. I was great! I went to Boston in May with my family and started to enjoy summer including alot of activities like swim lessons, going to our local amusement park etc. I even made it through an extremely provocing situation of redoing the outside of our house which took months and my husband unable to help me with the kids.

Well forward to 2 weeks ago. I was still taking the 12.5 mg Zoloft everyother day. It was the week before my period and I was feeling heightened anxiety. Alot had been going on in the week before that. We decided to put our house on the market. I love this house. We bought it from my parents 3 years ago and its the house I grew up in 5th grade up BUT it is kinda beyond our means. I am having trouble finding a teacing job here and subbing doesnt cut the bills and daycare. We are lucky enough that I have been able to work from home for my dads office BUT the pracice is being sold so he can retire and Ill likely lose that income around January. So without either income we are well not making it here. Even once I get a teacing job we are gonna be tight (not much left for extras and things tat happen with a house, college etc) with daycare etc. And we decided that wasnt the way we wanted to live why not sell the house and put the money into a cheaper house and have a next to nothing mortgage so the job thing wasnt as detrimental. Then some drama with my sister and her now ex happened involving supervised visits for him etc, and a friend who I have had emotional issues with for awhile now reared he ugly head again. It was ALOT of negative and negative thinking. What if I hurt her feelings or she gets mad if I tell her my thoughts? What if the house doesnt sell we are going to be on street? What if the house DOES sell how am I going to leav? Will my kids hate moving? Will they miss their daycare and will my daughter miss her school and friends? We were running around with showings and lessons and keeping house imaculate.

I noticed after that week that it was becoming harder to breathe. And then one day I just woke up with anxiety. I woke up and couldnt stop shaking, I couldnt eat, I felt like there was something on my chest and had to keep trying for deep breaths, I stopped going places. This went on for a couple days and then the depression came. I was soooo upset this was happening again. I called my therapist immediatly (psycologist) and had an apt where it seemed my anxiety and depression were mild. He suggested taking the 12.5 mg again daily and weekly sessions again to get it under control.

Well I went away that weekend as planned for my really good friends Bachlorette thing in VA. I was a mess. My husband is my safe person. Treaveling without him is a nightmare when Im like this. I had to take .25 mg 3 times that day to make it through the 2.5 hour car trip, bridal tea, and pre going out games at her house. I declined going out in the limo to bars with them. I couldnt do it. I had to have husband drive back to spend night with me fromm where he was visiting family with the kids (2 hours past where I was) and we had to skip seeing a couple more friends the day after that would have added on 3 hours of driving time. I know they were upset and one had just had a new baby. I just didnt know how Id make it. I wasnt panic attacks but it was just non stop anxiety.

Since then, a mess.... I was at least able to drive places last week. This week I went to grocery store with my husband Monday. He is out of town last night and now tonight (prob not helping). I made it to take kids to daycare Tuesday there and back twice (5 min drive each way) and then out fto ride a horse I ride 2 times a week (20 min drive) THAT was too much for me. I got super nervous esp bc husband out of town. I started realizing my left arm was hurting and tingling (same thing that happened with second attack) and then my tummy got all knoted up. I had to call epople just to get me tere and once there had to taje 12.5 mg xanax. I was ok a bit after that. Still nervious but not panicy. Today I made it to my kids dental apts and hopefully mine later but it is a struggle.

Like literally 3 weeks ago I was driving every where no care listening to loud music etc now I cant listen to anything but relaxation cds. AND we are supposed to go to the lake house (3 hours away) this weekend which I am telling our friends we are going alone now AND we may have an offer on the house tonight.

My mom (who went thorough same thing, as well as 2 my sisters) said just take it off the market and try again when better. Part of me doesnt wanna do that bc of money etc and the fact that although our house is big and beautiful and updated and in the sought after school district it has a hill for a driveway and people get scared of it so it takes a certain person.... but HOW am I going to be ok to move in a month or 2? HOW?? I dont even know how to get to the lake this weekend for what was planned to be a relaxing trip. I cant make any decisions and I have let the anxiety scare me again enough to where it scares me doing daily things outside of home.

Im trying to relearn things in my books. Admittedly I STOPPED doing things once felt better. I stopped religiously working out after March, I stopped journaling religiously around then and doing yoga, I stopped talking about things... Sorry so long. How did I get here again it makes me feel like its forever

[Wonderfulight]

You've got an awful lot going on...and moving or not moving is a real stressor. There are so many unknowns. I would suggest writing down the important issues, negatives and positives, so you won't have to think about them all day. I've had some real setbacks where I just was anxious all day and totally distracted, it makes me angry. Everytime I get back on track with my thinking by using the Course suggestions, I get stronger. Remember the habitual thinking pattern that you have to change, it takes patience and practice and time. Just bring youself back to it over and over and over again! Sounds like you need some quiet time to sort things out. Good luck to you, you CAN DO IT.
Marilyn