need some advice

onthegomom · Post by **onthegomom** » Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:34 am

so this is something ive been struggling with for awhile now and seems to be a major cause in anxiety for me...my mother-in-law. i seem to have a panic episode everytime she is around. im very anxious when it comes to my in-laws...so much that i have horrible thoughts that i wish my husband didnt even see them. i have NEVER told anyone this because im so ashamed that i think these things. they are a bit intrusive at times and my mother in law pretty much just tells you like it is. she is very needy of my husband and wants his attention often. she sometimes calls him to take him to lunch...on those days i am anxious all day....i for some reason cant stand when she is alone with him. its not that she is an evil women or anything...she is actually quite willing to help me alot of times....i just cant seem to get a handle on this part of my anxiety and it kills me! any advice or similar stories? (sorry to babble on and on about this it just feels so good to be able to finally tell someone how i feel without them judging!)

Liz* · Post by Liz* » Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:39 am

Your mother-in-law is codependent and needs therapy herself. She can't let go of her son. She's probably very sweet and helpful but it's not a healthy relationship. You are always on pins and needles and it's not your fault. Your husband should take you on these lunches at least once in awhile, though he may be codependent as well. If they are Christian, there are many Celebrate Recovery meetings that can help them identify their unhealthy habits and, if not, many behavioral health organizations can assist. Google codependency and understand what you're dealing with before discussing the situation with your husband. Codependency ruins as many relationships as drug and alcohol addiction, maybe more.

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:31 pm

I notice this with my DILaw. When walking with my adult son and his family. My DinLaw seems to stay close by him, and talk more to him instead of involving me in the conversation and walk time with the two little Grandchildren. I understand what is going on, but I don't think she realizes it as she does suffer from quite a bit of anxiety and knows it. But part of it is due to her family dynamics growing up and a physical problem that can cause anxiety and/or depression.

Nervous talking is part of her symptoms, so I understand completely, so I work on not taking offense. Also, I work on not offending, which is hard, but I actively work on it. She is a sweet young woman and young mother.

LyndaLu · Post by **LyndaLu** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:12 pm

Hello onthegomom:

I can relate to you ENTIRELY ! When I see my mothers phone number on my cell phone and it is ringing I just absolutely do not want to take the call. I have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach just opening the voice mail from her. I have not seen her since June and it is October now and we live in the same town ! I am just not ready to face her at this time, but come Thanksgiving I will HAVE to get together with her because my sister and brother in law are coming in from out of town over Thanksgiving week.

My mother is 81 years old and I am 50 years old. I feel guilty for not seeing her and I feel like I am being a "bad daughter" by not seeing her.

Hopefully the new skills I am learning with the program will make my Thanksgiving a wonderful one, I want to live in the present moment on those days and just not let everyone "get to me". I want to just hang out and relax and enjoy the family time we have together. None of us is gettin' any younger, that is for sure !

Session One says it all: I CAN'T change my past. I CAN change my attitude. I CAN change my present. It's JUST anxiety.

Also, my father and his mother had the same kind of relationship as your husband and his mother have. His mother was very needy of him and he spent a lot of time with her and less time with my mother. My fathers mother was very demanding. They are both deceased now, but I just thought I would say to you that I understand what you are talking about when you talk about your mother-in-law. lisafoxx is absolutely correct, it is a co-dependent relationship.

Keep in Touch. Lynda

Wonderfulight · Post by **Wonderfulight** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 6:08 pm

I disagree that these relationships are co-dependent...unless the mother-in-law is really possessive! In other cultures, fathers, mothers, M in Laws, F in laws, children, etc. all live together and/or support one another. In our country, families just grow apart. I think that's sad. Families should just all try to love and support one-another. There shouldn't be any jealousy.

Older people are on their way out, so they want to see their kids (grown kids) before they leave this earth. Me included. Does anybody feel this way?

Liz* · Post by Liz* » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:01 pm

I would respectfully disagree. Yes, supporting one another is important, however, from the distress level onthegomom described in her relationship with the mother-in-law, one can surmize that the m-i-l is indeed, in your words, "really possesive"

Codepency describes behavior, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or care taking. Parenting is a role throughout life that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the care taking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels. That appears to be in this situation as onthegomom said her mother-in-law is "very needy of my husband and wants his attention often." Generally a parent who takes care of their own needs (emotional and physical) in a healthy way will be a better caretaker, whereas a codependent parent may be less effective, or may even do harm to a child, and in this case, adults - her son and daughter-in-law. Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree. Causing one to be "very anxious" all the time qualifies as destructive behavior.

Wonderfulight · Post by **Wonderfulight** » Sat Oct 30, 2010 5:18 pm

I understand more now...shutting out the son's wife is selfish, they should all have lunch together...I feel it would be the son's responsibility to explain that to his mother. I felt emotionally dependent on my daughter after a family disaster...she was the only one I had to talk to. I've worked hard to get MY LIFE going again and get the burden off my daughter. Our relationship is much better now that I have a life...thanks to the Course!

Liz* · Post by Liz* » Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:19 pm

Exactly. We all need someone to lean on and depend upon when we go through difficult times, as you did with your daughter. Those people also share in our victories. It's all about working together, not being needy or domineering, and the fact you have a strong relationship with your daughter shows me that, although difficult, she helped you through the problem. Had she been codependent, she would have let you wallow in self-pity, depression or whatever your struggle was, all the while complaining to others how much she had to do for you. Your daughter came through in the pinch for you and you are truly blessed.

LyndaLu · Post by **LyndaLu** » Fri Dec 17, 2010 8:31 pm

Just writing to let everyone know that my Thanksgiving week went very well ! I spent so much time before Thanksgiving just worrying about seeing my mother and being full of anxiety just spending time with her. I had nothing to worry about ! I had a great week with my family and I got to spend time with them each individually and together as a group. During Thanksgiving week we all spent a comfortable amount of time together and a comfortable amount of time apart so that I did not have the anxiety that I anticipated beforehand. Which goes to show you that worrying gets you nowhere and just makes you more anxious. And the Thanksgiving food was delicious, thanks to my sister. Lynda Lu.