Over the past couple of years, I have made significant progress towards controlling my anxiety and depression. Rarely do I feel those pangs of being overwhelmed and helpless. I am married to an absolutely wonderful lady, and have two beautiful kids. Life is good! Or so it seems.
My problem now is that for months, I've been experiencing an overwhelming desire to live alone. I love my wife and kids dearly, and do not want to cause them any kind of pain. EVER!
But, in my minds eye, I see a perfectly serene, neat, organized place that is all my own.
I could never discuss this "fantasy" with my family, so I thought I would post here and hope for some insight from readers.
Desire to live alone
Hi jthomas,
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your progress controlling anxiety and depression, you must feel very proud of yourself.
About your fantasy, I can relate, sometimes I dream of getting a new house and move only the things I need, leave the rest behind. However I think I would miss my husband and my son.
Kids and mess go hand in hand. However you can create your own serene place at home. Pick a room and make it your own retreat place.
The dream of a quiet, serene, neat, organized place can be very tempting, especially if you like to control things. I love to feel that I am in control, however I have learned that control is an ilusion. The only thing we can control is how we feel and how we react to things.
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your progress controlling anxiety and depression, you must feel very proud of yourself.
About your fantasy, I can relate, sometimes I dream of getting a new house and move only the things I need, leave the rest behind. However I think I would miss my husband and my son.
Kids and mess go hand in hand. However you can create your own serene place at home. Pick a room and make it your own retreat place.
The dream of a quiet, serene, neat, organized place can be very tempting, especially if you like to control things. I love to feel that I am in control, however I have learned that control is an ilusion. The only thing we can control is how we feel and how we react to things.
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, it empties today of its strength." – Unknown
Yes it's totally a coping mechanism to want to go somewhere where things are stress free. To test and see if it's everyone else and everything else making us crazy. It's not though. I know that's not too comforting sorry. I too have that overwhelming urge and I told my closest friends about it and I also told my hubby. Now when I say I want to "shave my head, live alone in the mountains and eat berries and tree bark" they know it's a cue to hug me or let me vent because I am stressed!!!
It's okay to feel that way. Feelings come and go and it's normal .. Remember the Calgon take me away commercial?? haha
This too shall pass
Jill~
It's okay to feel that way. Feelings come and go and it's normal .. Remember the Calgon take me away commercial?? haha
This too shall pass
Jill~
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Wonderfulight
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:33 am
Yes, I agree with making a private space you can escape to. I do live alone, people-wise, but I've got 2 cats, 2 dogs, and 2 horses, sometimes creating a lot of activity. I made my escape room very uncluttered, then I have a "vapor bowl", don't know what it's called, but it puts out a mist and I put lavender oil in it, then I have a fake aquarium light that hangs on the wall, the fish swim slowly across, very relaxing. Everything is muted. When I start getting overwhelmed and anxious, I just say "STOP", and just go in there for 10 minutes and come out refreshed. I think everybody needs their own retreat. Hope this idea helps.
Marilyn
Marilyn
"WORRY: Imagination in the wrong direction."
Okay... I have another completely different spin on this one. I do live alone.... and its not working well. I realized a few years back when all this anxiety and depression was getting a grip on me that I couldnt handle keeping another human content when I wasnt even keeping myself content. So...I decided to end a relationship so I could be alone. So..here I am. No one to talk to or run things by, and the demons just keep on coming. I know I dont want to get into another relationship ... I dont feel capable, but it would sure be nice to have someone around here to talk to and keep my mind from dwelling on the crazy thoughts I have. You might not be in as bad a place as you think.
I have had those same thoughts about being alone.
However, I have found my wife to be an amazing resource of strength and support during this time.
While I do not feel worthy to be in this marriage in some aspects due to my issues, I am so very thankful for the support I recieve on an almost daily basis.
I do however have moments of wanting to be alone.
But isn't that understandable?
Obviously one of the greatest symptoms of this nervous illness is to become fixated on ourselves.
This whole anxiety/depression thing causes us to focus internally. You may desire that "alone" situation because with nervous illness alot of your energy is going into just yourself. I think sticking with your family is what you need short term and long term. Going from having someone to no one isn't fun. Can you imagine being all alone with no one to lean on or support you with all these demons of anxiety at your door?
However, I have found my wife to be an amazing resource of strength and support during this time.
While I do not feel worthy to be in this marriage in some aspects due to my issues, I am so very thankful for the support I recieve on an almost daily basis.
I do however have moments of wanting to be alone.
But isn't that understandable?
Obviously one of the greatest symptoms of this nervous illness is to become fixated on ourselves.
This whole anxiety/depression thing causes us to focus internally. You may desire that "alone" situation because with nervous illness alot of your energy is going into just yourself. I think sticking with your family is what you need short term and long term. Going from having someone to no one isn't fun. Can you imagine being all alone with no one to lean on or support you with all these demons of anxiety at your door?
I think therefore I am...
i to am alone i dont like it at all guess its because im insecure never thought i would say that but bein honest is healing right? i looked at my exwifes facebook page and had a panic attack sounds stupid right? but i did i tried to have another relationship and she really loved me but i just wasent into her iguess im 45 years old someone tell me what im doin wrong
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Wonderfulight
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:33 am
Jorsen...I know what you mean about being so concentrated on oneself! When I'm home alone all day, I am totally worn out analying every thought I have and feeling like disaster is ready to strike at any moment! Ughhh. It is so tiring. No-one in my family wants to hear about it! It seems if one has this kind of anxiety it's hard for other people to understand? I try to get out around other people to get some relief from myself! I had a housemate for nine months, but she was so "busy" it drove me nuts. Then I missed her after she left, just because there was no-one there. So the grass is always greener on the other side...whichever way it goes! I have learned from the course..when I start dwelling and staring into space I distract, go out and pull some weeds, or DO SOMETHING!
"WORRY: Imagination in the wrong direction."
Hello jthomas:
Okay, I am going to contradict everyone by saying this, but, I live alone and I like it.
I have always been independent and I have always supported myself financially. I have always lived in an apartment by myself. It is nice to have a place of my own. I have even traveled alone. I am quite okay with it and it works for me.
But living alone is not for everyone !
Even though I live alone does not mean I have to be lonely. I can still have a social life with friends and family and co-workers. I can still go places and do things with other people and enjoy their company to the fullest. I have taken many, many vacation trips with my sister and her family and I have really enjoyed those trips. My co-workers and I have had great lunches and dinners and gone to the movies together. I have even traveled around with my co-worker / friends.
If you live alone you cannot spend every single moment by yourself sitting in your apartment internalizing everything, you DO have to get out and interact and communicate with other human beings.
I just started to volunteer at the Humane Society and it was the best decision I have ever made. I go in once a week for 5 hours and I help them out. It makes me feel productive and makes me feel like I am making a difference and at the same time I am out of my apartment and being with other people and keeping busy.
jthomas, maybe seeing a counselour or a psychologist would help you out ? Maybe they could help you with what you are feeling. The decision you are thinking of making is quite a large one, take your time.
Keep in touch with us. Lynda
Okay, I am going to contradict everyone by saying this, but, I live alone and I like it.
I have always been independent and I have always supported myself financially. I have always lived in an apartment by myself. It is nice to have a place of my own. I have even traveled alone. I am quite okay with it and it works for me.
But living alone is not for everyone !
Even though I live alone does not mean I have to be lonely. I can still have a social life with friends and family and co-workers. I can still go places and do things with other people and enjoy their company to the fullest. I have taken many, many vacation trips with my sister and her family and I have really enjoyed those trips. My co-workers and I have had great lunches and dinners and gone to the movies together. I have even traveled around with my co-worker / friends.
If you live alone you cannot spend every single moment by yourself sitting in your apartment internalizing everything, you DO have to get out and interact and communicate with other human beings.
I just started to volunteer at the Humane Society and it was the best decision I have ever made. I go in once a week for 5 hours and I help them out. It makes me feel productive and makes me feel like I am making a difference and at the same time I am out of my apartment and being with other people and keeping busy.
jthomas, maybe seeing a counselour or a psychologist would help you out ? Maybe they could help you with what you are feeling. The decision you are thinking of making is quite a large one, take your time.
Keep in touch with us. Lynda
Thanks all for the responses! It's good to see parity of insights. One thing I failed to mention in my original post is that part of my desire to live alone stems from having no desire to live my life based on someone else s expectations. Particularly when others (wife) make no attempt to meet my expectations.
My beliefs, interests, and thought patterns to not fit with my wife's "frame of reference". Her perspective is that of a financially privileged, only child raised by Mr. and Mrs. Ward Cleaver. She professes to be open minded and liberal, but she is the most judgmental person I have ever met. She bases her opinions of people on the car they drive, the clothes they wear, their hairstyle or wardrobe. Even their accent/dialect.
I am at my wits end with this judgmental crap. It's apparent that after 10 years of marriage, I still don't meet her expectations.
So, now you all know why I don't talk to my wife about my anxiety and depression.
My beliefs, interests, and thought patterns to not fit with my wife's "frame of reference". Her perspective is that of a financially privileged, only child raised by Mr. and Mrs. Ward Cleaver. She professes to be open minded and liberal, but she is the most judgmental person I have ever met. She bases her opinions of people on the car they drive, the clothes they wear, their hairstyle or wardrobe. Even their accent/dialect.
I am at my wits end with this judgmental crap. It's apparent that after 10 years of marriage, I still don't meet her expectations.
So, now you all know why I don't talk to my wife about my anxiety and depression.