Don't know what to do
-
Guest
Dear Satu,
My name is Lorraine and I am on Session 3, taking it slow. I am a retired professional and mother of 5. Are you currently on the program? If not jump back in here. You need it and us.
As far as your partner goes, it seems he has a new story for each question and that cannot be helping you feel secure in your relationship with him. Besides he had a couple of chances to clear it up but continued to tell lies.
This you dont need! Send him packing and move on with someone more truthful. If he cannot tell you the truth now, chances are it is a pattern he had long before you. So dont be taking the responsibility for his lies. No wonder you are close to panic attacks again.
Nothing is more important than getting yourself and your life together. Dont let anyone deceive you and make you feel to blame. You can do much better.
Take care and I will be praying for you! Get busy in the program and keep in touch!
My name is Lorraine and I am on Session 3, taking it slow. I am a retired professional and mother of 5. Are you currently on the program? If not jump back in here. You need it and us.
As far as your partner goes, it seems he has a new story for each question and that cannot be helping you feel secure in your relationship with him. Besides he had a couple of chances to clear it up but continued to tell lies.
This you dont need! Send him packing and move on with someone more truthful. If he cannot tell you the truth now, chances are it is a pattern he had long before you. So dont be taking the responsibility for his lies. No wonder you are close to panic attacks again.
Nothing is more important than getting yourself and your life together. Dont let anyone deceive you and make you feel to blame. You can do much better.
Take care and I will be praying for you! Get busy in the program and keep in touch!
-
Guest
Dear Satu,
I dated a guy for three years who lied to me too and kept telling me I was going to get a ring and I never did. I once told him that I didn't even care if it was a fake ring that I just wanted to get engaged. So for Christmas that year he put a cheap fake ring in a nice ring box, wrapped it and put it under the tree at my parents house. I opened that present in front of everybody and I have never been so embarrassed in my life! I thought it was a real ring and then when I saw the fake I thought I would die. That was the last straw for me. I wised up and that was the end of our relationship. Moral to this story. Get out! If he hasn't given you an engagement ring by now, you are not going to get one. I know it hurts and it is difficult but trust God, trust yourself and most of all do the program and take care of yourself. No one else will. God bless you, Jean
I dated a guy for three years who lied to me too and kept telling me I was going to get a ring and I never did. I once told him that I didn't even care if it was a fake ring that I just wanted to get engaged. So for Christmas that year he put a cheap fake ring in a nice ring box, wrapped it and put it under the tree at my parents house. I opened that present in front of everybody and I have never been so embarrassed in my life! I thought it was a real ring and then when I saw the fake I thought I would die. That was the last straw for me. I wised up and that was the end of our relationship. Moral to this story. Get out! If he hasn't given you an engagement ring by now, you are not going to get one. I know it hurts and it is difficult but trust God, trust yourself and most of all do the program and take care of yourself. No one else will. God bless you, Jean
-
Guest
Satu,
MsLorraine is right! This is a pattern for this man. You will not trust him because you will always be second guessing him. You CAN NOT build a relationship without trust. You do not have one.
Secondly, what are these things he has been lying ABOUT that would hurt you so badly that he can not tell the truth? You don't want someone who lies to you and you ALSO don't want someone who does things to hurt you deeply. (Our partners will all let us down at one type or another, but some behaviour is just unacceptable and deal breakers! I'm sure you are following me here.)
The odds that you will have a life long relationship with this man are very slim. Given his track record and character, I personally think it would be wrong to consider having children with this person. That is just me. If you are afraid of not having kids because you will have to start over with someone new at your age (which isn't old honey), think of what you are chosing for the FUTURE of your kids. Think of how you are letting fear dictate the future of your children. YOU HAVE THE CHOICE, and it is yours to make.
I know it is painful and is not something you want to hear or accept...but you only get things straightened out in your life and come to a place of peace when you are ready to be REALLY honest with yourself. My girlfriends and I came to that point and helped each other through things by getting in each others' faces and saying HEY! WAKE UP SISTER! THESE ARE THE FACTS...so if you keep on in the direction you are going, no one can stop you, but at least you are doing it with your eyes wide open. And with that being the case, there is no one to blame but yourself from here on out because YOU CHOSE this life knowingly.
One of my girlfriends hated hearing it because her self esteem was so low, she didn't have the COURAGE for some time to leave her boyfriend. And because she knew that, she didn't want to face the truth, because that only made her feel worse about herself. When you get down to the nitty gritty, the facts are the facts...no matter what you wish they were.
It took her a while, but she got there. And it took her having the truth in her face until she was SO miserable she just could not stay. The misery was finally worse than the fear of getting out and stronger than her low self-esteem.
I wish you luck. One way to prepare yourself if you are not strong enough now is to focus on things that will bring up your self esteem to get you to a point where you are making decisions that take care of you. And not based on "I need him" or "I'm afraid to leave."
Lastly, I know this from personal experience...if a man is serious about marrying you...you don't have to ask HIM what's up...he's chasing you down with that ring.
Best of luck to you! You can do it! Start writing down what characteristics you want in a husband. Write down behaviours/actions that you absolutely will not accept or compromise on. You can't change the man into what you want. You have to chose the man that IS who you want...and you have to be really clear about what that is girl!
Now start the ball rolling towards the life you want and deserve.
MsLorraine is right! This is a pattern for this man. You will not trust him because you will always be second guessing him. You CAN NOT build a relationship without trust. You do not have one.
Secondly, what are these things he has been lying ABOUT that would hurt you so badly that he can not tell the truth? You don't want someone who lies to you and you ALSO don't want someone who does things to hurt you deeply. (Our partners will all let us down at one type or another, but some behaviour is just unacceptable and deal breakers! I'm sure you are following me here.)
The odds that you will have a life long relationship with this man are very slim. Given his track record and character, I personally think it would be wrong to consider having children with this person. That is just me. If you are afraid of not having kids because you will have to start over with someone new at your age (which isn't old honey), think of what you are chosing for the FUTURE of your kids. Think of how you are letting fear dictate the future of your children. YOU HAVE THE CHOICE, and it is yours to make.
I know it is painful and is not something you want to hear or accept...but you only get things straightened out in your life and come to a place of peace when you are ready to be REALLY honest with yourself. My girlfriends and I came to that point and helped each other through things by getting in each others' faces and saying HEY! WAKE UP SISTER! THESE ARE THE FACTS...so if you keep on in the direction you are going, no one can stop you, but at least you are doing it with your eyes wide open. And with that being the case, there is no one to blame but yourself from here on out because YOU CHOSE this life knowingly.
One of my girlfriends hated hearing it because her self esteem was so low, she didn't have the COURAGE for some time to leave her boyfriend. And because she knew that, she didn't want to face the truth, because that only made her feel worse about herself. When you get down to the nitty gritty, the facts are the facts...no matter what you wish they were.
It took her a while, but she got there. And it took her having the truth in her face until she was SO miserable she just could not stay. The misery was finally worse than the fear of getting out and stronger than her low self-esteem.
I wish you luck. One way to prepare yourself if you are not strong enough now is to focus on things that will bring up your self esteem to get you to a point where you are making decisions that take care of you. And not based on "I need him" or "I'm afraid to leave."
Lastly, I know this from personal experience...if a man is serious about marrying you...you don't have to ask HIM what's up...he's chasing you down with that ring.
Best of luck to you! You can do it! Start writing down what characteristics you want in a husband. Write down behaviours/actions that you absolutely will not accept or compromise on. You can't change the man into what you want. You have to chose the man that IS who you want...and you have to be really clear about what that is girl!
Now start the ball rolling towards the life you want and deserve.
-
Tinkerella
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:06 am
Kudos Frances! Right on. And Satu, I know it doesn't help to be so far away from home, so call your parents and talk to them. I know you probably don't want them to know that things are messed up but it will help you to have someone in your corner who can help you with the physical move and encourage you.
-
Guest
think of this..... you have children with this man you love who can not tell you the truth.
guess what? you then have children who will learn this very bad trait of his,(as children only learn what they live!),and next thing you know, you have a husband testing your anxiety and two maybe three chidren doing the same. They of course wont mean to hurt you but it will be a natural reaction due to watching DAD do it all the time. Is this what you want?
guess what? you then have children who will learn this very bad trait of his,(as children only learn what they live!),and next thing you know, you have a husband testing your anxiety and two maybe three chidren doing the same. They of course wont mean to hurt you but it will be a natural reaction due to watching DAD do it all the time. Is this what you want?
-
Guest
My goodness. I may not have advice that will light a light bulb over your head and give you that sense of "I know what to do!" but I wish you can feel that voice inside your heart, your spirit which will guide you to make the best decision for your self. My experiences might not be the same as yours but we definitely want to catch up to that peace and happiness we've been chasing for too long.
I'm 29 too. 'Was married for 10 years, now I'm separated and looking forward to be free - in all aspects, free from depression, from fears, from debt...etc. I realized that either I was going to accept my husband 100% of who he was/is/will be, and stop hoping, wishing he would become just the right man with the right ingredients to have this well balanced marriage...OR, I could either make a final decision and end it in good terms for the sake of my sanity and for his too.
I chose to separate. I was not willing to settle and end up like some family members whom husbands seem to be doing just great being themselves, compared to the wives whom had been and are still struggling with health problems most likely caused by the stress of bad experiences their husbands have put them thru. I have an aunt whose husband, throughout the whole marriage has constantly lied to her about pretty much everything you can think of. Other family members have tried to open her eyes but it just created resentment from her towards the rest of the family and moved as far as possible from everyone. Every situation is different. Maybe your boyfriend will change, maybe his constant lying habit will stop...but when?
I realized I need to heal, to kind of, go backwards and start off from where I left. It's not easy. I live with my mother who is not quite sure exactly what is wrong with me, because it's taking me time to get back on my feet, like finding a job instead of going back to school. I keep telling my self that this time I will do what my heart tells me to do, instead of giving to pressure of what others thinks I “should” be doing. I've had people tell me things like, "you should've never decided to get a divorce, you're getting old, and when do you think you will find someone else and get married again and have children?" My response is always that I don’t want to get married again and don’t want to have children, that it’s time FOR me to find my purpose in life and just go with the flow of life. And of course their response is that I’m crazy and need psychiatric and psychological help because “normal” women want to be in love, be married and have a family. I mean…as if, there is a psychiatric/psychological book/guideline that tells you exactly what life style “normal” people should have. I personally chose not to have children when I was married. Mainly because I have always been realistic about my depression cycles and didn’t want my children inherit or pick up the same problems/bad habits.
Satu, you’re not alone. I’m still struggling, I’m still in the process of getting better, I’m still chasing that balance with in me. It’s hard, specially when you are misunderstood. But I don’t have any regrets, I know what I want and will figure out how to get there. I think the best you can do is to concentrate on your self, with this program you will realize I can be possible. The right moment will come and you will know what to decide. I’m pretty sure you love each other very much, but…sometimes, if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be, no matter how much you tried. I wish you and your boyfriend the best
I'm 29 too. 'Was married for 10 years, now I'm separated and looking forward to be free - in all aspects, free from depression, from fears, from debt...etc. I realized that either I was going to accept my husband 100% of who he was/is/will be, and stop hoping, wishing he would become just the right man with the right ingredients to have this well balanced marriage...OR, I could either make a final decision and end it in good terms for the sake of my sanity and for his too.
I chose to separate. I was not willing to settle and end up like some family members whom husbands seem to be doing just great being themselves, compared to the wives whom had been and are still struggling with health problems most likely caused by the stress of bad experiences their husbands have put them thru. I have an aunt whose husband, throughout the whole marriage has constantly lied to her about pretty much everything you can think of. Other family members have tried to open her eyes but it just created resentment from her towards the rest of the family and moved as far as possible from everyone. Every situation is different. Maybe your boyfriend will change, maybe his constant lying habit will stop...but when?
I realized I need to heal, to kind of, go backwards and start off from where I left. It's not easy. I live with my mother who is not quite sure exactly what is wrong with me, because it's taking me time to get back on my feet, like finding a job instead of going back to school. I keep telling my self that this time I will do what my heart tells me to do, instead of giving to pressure of what others thinks I “should” be doing. I've had people tell me things like, "you should've never decided to get a divorce, you're getting old, and when do you think you will find someone else and get married again and have children?" My response is always that I don’t want to get married again and don’t want to have children, that it’s time FOR me to find my purpose in life and just go with the flow of life. And of course their response is that I’m crazy and need psychiatric and psychological help because “normal” women want to be in love, be married and have a family. I mean…as if, there is a psychiatric/psychological book/guideline that tells you exactly what life style “normal” people should have. I personally chose not to have children when I was married. Mainly because I have always been realistic about my depression cycles and didn’t want my children inherit or pick up the same problems/bad habits.
Satu, you’re not alone. I’m still struggling, I’m still in the process of getting better, I’m still chasing that balance with in me. It’s hard, specially when you are misunderstood. But I don’t have any regrets, I know what I want and will figure out how to get there. I think the best you can do is to concentrate on your self, with this program you will realize I can be possible. The right moment will come and you will know what to decide. I’m pretty sure you love each other very much, but…sometimes, if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be, no matter how much you tried. I wish you and your boyfriend the best