no wonder im depressed,need advice

mrsunderstood · Post by **mrsunderstood** » Sun Jan 13, 2008 12:52 am

I am 43 married to a man that has his own businesss, i work everyday and i know i make alot of money for the business.His daughter handles all of our money,pays all of our bills,my name is not even on the checking account.She works in the office comes and goes as she pleases,my husband never asks any questions,he doesnt have a clue about any of our bills. I feel used and worthless.Any advice?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jan 13, 2008 1:31 am

Speaking from experience here, you are not being treated fairly. When you are married it should be 50-50. You and him should handle your own bills, not his daughter. have you tried talking to him about the matter. How do you know that she is not stealing your money? Or not paying the bils? I would demand a new car if everyone else is getting one but you. I would put my foot down and take control ofyour bills. You should not have to work hard every day for a 14 year old car when he has a new sports car and a motorcycle. You are being left out in the cold. Talk to him before it gets worse!

keithjoy · Post by **keithjoy** » Sun Jan 13, 2008 2:16 am

Maybe it will take you leaving for him to wake up. If he loves you he will treat you like you deserve to be treated. I would not put up with his daughter if she is stealing your money and so high maintenance. I would tell him to fix it or I am gone.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jan 13, 2008 2:27 am

Mrsunderstood....

First off you need to build your self confidence and work on your lesson on assertiveness. You need to communicate and you might think that I try and he doesnt listen then we need to try a different approach.

I offering advice here because I am a huge anger/aggressive person and its been something I have had to address. Now I am getting from your posts that your internally angry but have a really hard time getting your frustration across and him understanding that.

You need to make a time to sit and talk. just the two of you very calmly and rationally. Make little note cards so that you have all your thoughts organized its easy to get off on tangents when your talking. First you must tell him in a respectfull way that you admire his love and generosity towards his daughter (even if it makes you fuming mad its better to say you think its a nice thing) and then you say I would appreciate it if I could feel that same respect.

You have to always tell him what he is doing well and what you appreciate so that then you can build him up to say what is bugging you no one likes to be attacked but if you highlight the good and then point out a bad thing its easier to swallow.

So ask him can we do the bills together...can I watch so that I know what is all going on. I am your wife and I should know what our worth is and what our debt is.

You need to gain respect. People walk on people cuz they can you need to get yourself stronger so that you can stand up for yourself in a healthy and assertive way.

You married him and he married you for a reason. Try to remember that reason and see if you cant from that point make a gratefull list. Write at least 5 things everyday that you are gratefull for even when its a crappy day. they can be simple. Im thankfull I have a job. Im thankfull I am alive. Im thankfull that I have this program to build myself up.

But make that list and look at it often....this will help you gain some confidence and believe that all is not bad.

Im here as Ive said to you before...your not alone.
You can gain your respect with this situation...all is not lost.
Do your lessons.
Learn your skills.
Take care of you first.
Dodger

KDlady · Post by **KDlady** » Sun Jan 13, 2008 2:51 am

Thanks Dodger for your advice.Maybe I should focus more on the good side of this...I work at home im here for my son when he needs me,i have a roof over my head.I just think i deserve some respect for all that i do.I am not a materialistic person at all.I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 16 years and I thought with this marriage i was going to get the respect that a wife needs.It doesnt take alot to make me happy,I just want to be treated as an equal for once in my life.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jan 19, 2008 3:18 pm

Hi mrsunerstood. Because you were from an abusive relationship you probably are still showing signs of the abuse and other people can see that in you. Your husband can tell what kind of person you are. He knows that he can "run all over you" because you are timid and accepting of abuse. They know that they can use you and they are correct.

Take back your power and stand up for yourself. They might not like it but you will respect yourself for it. You deserve respect. Claim it!

Take care. DeeDee.