Knowing whether to end a relationship

Abbey3680 · Post by **Abbey3680** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:07 am

I decided to end our relationship. I came to the conclusion that we are on two different pages in our life. Do you have a problem with being alone? or do you just dislike the idea of being with someone who travels? Both are true for me. I wish you the best with your relationship.

Originally posted by Ramon'sQueen:
I know exactly what you mean Abbey3680 because my boyfriend has a job where he has to travel. But for the next two years I won't have to worry because they changed his contract for the time being so the travelling changed, but in the future I don't know. I'm scared to be with someone who travels too, even though my boyfriend probably won't travel as much as it sounds like yours does. But that comes with the anxiety to even though I never wanted to be someone who travelled. But my boyfriend is supportive and is going to help me no matter what it takes. If he has to travel he'll work things out so I can go with whenever possible if I want and everything. Other than that I don't know what else to say other than I'm kinda in the same boat, or could be.
Originally posted by Abbey3680:
I am now on session 10 in the program. I have been with my partner for 8yrs. The last 2yrs have been shaky. We both love each other, but I am not sure if the relationship is for the right reason. My partner is my safe person. I am very dependent on my partner. My partner is a very independent person, which kinda causes some friction at times. My partner travels alot, and has been travelling for the last two years. I told my partner that I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who travels. I want my significant other with me. Part of me feels that I don't want to be in the relationship because my partner travels and that is a problem for me because I don't like being alone. On the other hand, even if I was ok with being alone, I still think that I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who travels as much as my partner. There are other issues in our relationship, that I feel could be worked out. I really am not sure whether I am jumping the gun by ending the relationship. How do you know if it is the right or wrong thing to do? I thought that I was further along in the program to know by now, but I still don't. Any advice?

Abbey3680 · Post by **Abbey3680** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:15 am

Hi Debbie,

Thanks so much for the kind and caring response. After careful consideration, I've decided to end the relationship. I feel that it is the best thing to do. I have found that putting God first in my life helps ease the pain. I was very much dependent in the relationship as well. I am going to take time to become dependent on myself. I want to be my own safe person. I am a relationship person, but for my next relationship, I want to be more independent. I think it makes a big difference when you are independent. It hurts, I am taking things one day at a time. Even though I am a home-body, I have been going out with family and friends more. Please keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you. My email address is souldeep34@yahoo.com.

Originally posted by Debbie A. D.:
Good Afternoon Abbey, I was in a relationship for 7 years........sold my house, me and my 13 yr. old daughter moved in with him and after 2 years of living together and having practically everyone of his family memebers living with us at one time or another.....his house was like a revolving door. My daughter and I had to move out. I was very dependent on him (i'm very much co-dependent). It has been a year this month and it has taken me every day to build my self-esteem up and get back to a some what normal life. I am in session 5 of the program and I feel so much better about myself. It doesn't matter how far in the program you are..........it just takes time, friends, family and more importantly GOD. You also have all of us here online. I sure don't have the answers for you. I am here if you ever want to chat. My email address is debbiednkeller@yahoo.com. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Bye for now, debbie

INDTom · Post by **INDTom** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:25 am

Thanks you guys for the advice. After being divoriced (married 16 years), I thought I would be able to handle any other rejection. Even though I was not sure this woman was the one for me at the time. I have even surprised myself how miserible I am. I thought it would be pretty simple to move on, but it has been tough to the point where I am not interested in eating too much. I know I will get through it, but I did not think I would be this down or care this much.

INDTom · Post by **INDTom** » Tue Oct 14, 2008 1:45 am

It has been 5 days since I have talked to the ex and about 20 days since seeing her as I was out of town for 2 weeks working. I am still having a tough time sleeping and eating. I try to take 1 day at a time, but this is tough. this even seems tougher than when I was divorced over 5 years ago. I have actually been though the program and going though some of the tapes again.

Abbey3680 · Post by **Abbey3680** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:39 am

I know it is really tough, but you have to try to stay positive. My ex and I still live under the same roof and we just ended an 8yr relationship. When my ex went out of town last weekend, I was so sad and depressed. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. Then I said to myself, my ex is probably not worrying or acting this way over me. I started to change my thoughts and my attitude. Again, it is very tough, but the important thing to remember is that you have to take care of yourself. I found that it really is not the break-up of the relationship that is bothering me, it is the fact that I am dealing with my anxiety & depression, being single, for the first time.

Originally posted by INDTom:
It has been 5 days since I have talked to the ex and about 20 days since seeing her as I was out of town for 2 weeks working. I am still having a tough time sleeping and eating. I try to take 1 day at a time, but this is tough. this even seems tougher than when I was divorced over 5 years ago. I have actually been though the program and going though some of the tapes again.

INDTom · Post by **INDTom** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 10:10 am

Thanks for the advice Abbey. You know I was journaling (which I never really did much if any) and discussed I was probably upset over the breakup at first, but this has triggered into the anxiety and now I am actually worring about the anxiety + plus still miss her. I think I am moving on, but now I am left with the anxiety stuff...go figure. Also, I too thought she is not worrying or "sad" about the break up so why do should I care so much.

ashleypashley · Post by **ashleypashley** » Mon Nov 29, 2010 6:34 pm

Hi. I am on Session 3 and could be doing better I guess. My boyfriend and I have been together fo 4 years now and I often think about whether or not I should stay with him. I do love him and get very uncomfortable when i'm not with him. But I have been battling depression my whole life I think, along with my mother and older sister. Chris, my hunny, is very bi-polar and always has been. He is not on medication and I believe he should be. He gets angry very easily and i mean violently angry. He has never hit me and I know he never would but he is very destructive, and very negative. I talk to him a lot about this and he is aware of his problem but does not want on medication. I do deal with him very well because I believe everyone has their problems, as do I, but he does get me down a lot and it makes it complicated when i'm trying to get better.

karmatism · Post by **karmatism** » Tue Nov 30, 2010 1:47 am

Hi Ashley,

This is complicated. I know Lucinda says not to make any decisions like this until you've finished the program so your state of mind doesn't affect your judgment, but I think this is a little different due to the nature of the situation.

I was in a relationship just like you are describing and I ended up getting pregnant. I said all the things you are saying, making excuses for hime and defending his behavior. He used to break everything around the house. Furniture, doors, plates....you name it. I always justified it because he never hit me. I also told myself how rough his childhood was and how he needed me because no one else would understand and love him like I did. And I knew he 'wanted' to change. I knew he loved me. He promised me all the time that he was trying to work on it. Wow, the more I think about it, your situation is very similiar. I was with him for 4 years. What ended up happening is when I got pregnant, I started thinking differently. I stopped thinking about me and started thinking about my baby. I would imagine the baby playing and him throwing a bar stool across the house at me or screaming at me with the bay crying. Something clicked inside me and I decided I needed to leave the house. I still loved him and wanted to give him the chance to change, so I told him he needed to fix himself before I would come back home. I went to go live with my family in the meantime.

He ended up doing great the whole time I was gone, he did a complete 180. He was respectful and would come visit me and buy gifts for the baby. He even bought a little pair of Nike's and hung them from his rear view mirror. He told me it was his motivation to change because he wanted to be a family and a good father.

I was so happy and I ended up going home with him after she was born. Everything seemed to be better for 4 whole months. I truly thought he had changed until one day I was holding her on the couch and I said something, I don't even remember what it was, but I remember he had just opened a can of Pepsi and before I knew it, he threw the can at my face. Thankfully I moved just enough that it didn't hit me, but it hit the wall right next to my cheek. There was soda all in my hair and all over my daughter's face and she was crying. I felt like my whole world was crashing down. I was devastated. He hadn't changed. I felt like such a sucker. I couldn't believe I had moved my baby into this environment and I was SO mad and hurt. I cleaned us both off and told him I was done.

To make a long story short, I did leave and it ended up being the best decision of my life. I gave him more chances after that to visit with her and each one ended badly until I told him he couldn't see her anymore and if he wanted to do something about it, he could fight me in court. Fast forward to today and she is 11 years old. He hasn't seen her since she was 18 months old and I'm now married to a wonderful who wants to adopt her. I firmly believe with everything in me that I made the right decision.

I'm sharing all this with you because it took a baby for me to see the light and get out. I wouldn't do it for myself. Don't make that mistake and don't keep defending him. What you're describing is abuse. It's emotional manipulation and you are right, you can't get better living in a situation like that. Don't keep wasting years of your life hanging onto the hope that somehow things will be different. You deserve better and deep down you know that because you wrote this post.

I really feel for you. Feel free to send me a private message if you want to chat more about it.

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Tue Nov 30, 2010 5:20 pm

Karmatism, I'm glad that you posted your story. I use to work in a Psych Hospital. I didn't know much then about Bi-Polar until I got to know a family that suffered from it. I remember one of the Psych Nurses telling me how Bi-Polar disease can really affect a family. That it is very hard to treat and affects everyone.

I think they are getting better with treating it as new research comes out, but I'm glad that you shared your story of basically an abusive person that doesn't know how to love or care.

And that having a baby brought into the picture will just make it harder. I'm happy for you that you have a great husband and he wants to adopt your daughter. That's wonderful!

Paislee