guilt and worry over being the "other guy"

Are you needlessly dragging around a one-ton bag of guilt and worry? Here are some techniques that help reduce guilt and worry in your life to produce dramatic, immediate changes.
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mmwillie928
Posts: 71
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 12:55 pm

guilt and worry over being the "other guy"

Post by mmwillie928 » Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:46 pm

Im just wondering if anyone has some helpful advice or insight into these 2 situations that have been plaguing my mind with guilt and worry past couple days?
a few years back, while i was drinking i almost had a fling with a coworker who was dating someone else at the time. he picked me up, and i don't remember much about the ride to his place except the fact that i got sick on myself and his car and he ended up putting me in the shower at his place and we didn't fool around. i am not proud of that moment and am glad we didnt have sex. i don't think it would be necessary to apologize to his significant other cause nothing happened so it seems like it would be unnecessary hurt. so i forgive myself for what i might have done, but i also don't remember if we ended up making out or doing anything else that evening that would have been inappropriate. it is eating me up, and i want to go ask this guy if anything else happened including making out. and if he said yes i would want to confess to his significant other. but not only am i worried about approaching the guy and asking him if we did anything else, but i am worried about would it be necessary to tell the significant if we made out. i also worry about saying anything cause i am not the only one involved and i think i would most likely be the only one doing the confessing which would be me doing the confessing for me and the other guy, which would lead to anger from the other guy and maybe there breaking up.
i also was in another situation at a later time when i was over a friends house and he was dating. we were chilling by ourselves in a hot tub and having some wine, and he started to rub his foot on me inappropriately. at first i acted like it was nothing what he was doing so as to try and not encourage it, then his rubbing became a lil more inappropriate and i remember thinking "well he said something about wanting to get his bf to have a threesome and he didnt sound quite open to it, but not off either, so im sure this is fine". then his bf comes home and he was like "quick lets get out of the tub" and as we were and his bf was walking by it was obvious that his bf was really mad. i know my friend talked to his bf but i don't know if he was completely honest with him. he said he talked to him and they agreed to put it behind them. so im thinking maybe i should get together with my friend and talk about what happened, telling him how i feel guilty and havent been coming over cause i feel wrong, and that i feel like his bf deserves the truth and i would like to apologize for it.
these are the things i worry about lately.
anybody have some advice or insight??? these seem especially difficult for me cause an apology to the wronged party would involve not only me but the other party would be in the spotlight as well.

Ninjafrodo2
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Re: guilt and worry over being the "other guy"

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Mon Jan 13, 2014 9:52 pm

I'm sorry you didn't get a response earlier from anybody for starters.

Now I read what you wrote and there were a few things that came to mind here.

Do you remember the cognitive distortions in lesson 3? The one about personalization? Working through the thoughts that fall under this distortion are going to help you out the most. Look at who is responsible for what. In both situations the other person is responsible for the relationships they are in, they are responsible for their own actions and coming onto you is their actions and thus their responsiblity and only they are in control of that...you didn't make them come onto you and potentially cause they to want to cheat on their partners. So whatever happens, that is their responsibility to say something to their partners, not yours....unless that partner happens to be your best friend or close friend.

Also do you know if the first situation was an open relationship?

Secondly, your guilty feelings come from crossing over a boundary, but that boundary is not the boundaries of the significant others, it is your own boundary and you have to make it right for yourself and with yourself. If you knew that they are in a relationship and you put yourself out there to be that person they cheat with, then that could definately be something really hurtful and I can understand why you would be feeling bad about that. In both situations it would be wise to ask for all the details so you know the full story and its best to keep the situations with the people directly involved which are you and the other person you were potentially going to fool around with. The second situation it doesn't sound like you did anything at all, that was all that guy's doing and if you do still feel uncomfortable with what happened, then don't go over there again and just see your friend at a coffee place.

Most importantly, why did you put yourself in those situations? or at least the first one? Was there a need you had that wasn't being met and perhaps being with that first guy you could have potentially got that need met?


Mike

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