guilt and grieving
guilt and grieving
I bought the program about 10 years ago, when I was a sophomore in college, and suffering from severe panic attacks. One of the best investments I ever made. It's helped me tremendously then, and many of the skills that I learned have remained with me. However, I still have setbacks during times of high stress, which make me feel very worried and anxious. This is one of those times.
Last weekend, my grandma, to whom I'm very close, was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. I believe she only has several months left. I feel incredibly worried and sad, and don't know what to do. She is 80, but has a strong will to live, she loves everything about life, and really wants to hang on. But unfortunately, with her diagnosis it doesn't seem to be a possibility. She is currently in the hospital, awaiting surgery, but doctors say it's more of a palliative than a curative procedure.
This diagnosis drives me insane. I am so worried about losing her, and terrified about the pain that she will have to endure in her final months. I feel so guilty that she's in so much pain while I can't do anything to help, other than call or visit; I feel horrible doing anything that I enjoy because I feel guilty that I can do it and she cannot. I am also scared of what the stress of her illness might do to my parents (as in, I'm afraid for their health), given the fact that they're going through other stress as well.
For the past 7 years, almost every weekend, I would take my grandma shopping. It had become a weekend ritual - I would visit pretty much every weekend (she lives with my parents), and we'd go to a few stores, where she would roam for a couple hours. On the way, we'd talk, and she'd ask me all about my life and about all my friends, and would tell me everything about what she'd watch on TV, or things of the sort. I cannot come to terms with the idea that this is all in the past (or will very soon be in the past), and that she won't be around soon. I cannot come to terms with the idea that in the next few months, despite the fact that she will probably want to go shopping with me, or do something fun, she won't be able to. I cannot come to terms with the fact that despite her strong will to live, it will be an impossible battle to win.
I was in denial the entire weekend, hoping that this is just a dream, or some sort of a diagnostic mistake. However, it doesn't seem to be the case, and it's devastating. I keep telling myself that she had 80 years of a relative health and happiness - she had a caring husband, and now has two loving daughters, and three grandsons (myself being one), and had always lived in relative comfort. While that is consoling, it is so only to an extent. I still cannot get over the guilt and worry.
I typically talk to my parents about my anxieties, but they're really overwhelmed now as well, so I don't want to overburden them, and on the contrary want to support them; I also have a few friends to whom I feel I could always turn, but they're all going through serious problems of their own, and I would feel bad if they had my stuff to deal with as well... So I hope that someone on this forum will be able to let me know if they had similar experiences of grief, worry and guilt when the loss of someone very close was imminent. How did you deal with it? Any tips, suggestions, or advice?
Thank you.
Last weekend, my grandma, to whom I'm very close, was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. I believe she only has several months left. I feel incredibly worried and sad, and don't know what to do. She is 80, but has a strong will to live, she loves everything about life, and really wants to hang on. But unfortunately, with her diagnosis it doesn't seem to be a possibility. She is currently in the hospital, awaiting surgery, but doctors say it's more of a palliative than a curative procedure.
This diagnosis drives me insane. I am so worried about losing her, and terrified about the pain that she will have to endure in her final months. I feel so guilty that she's in so much pain while I can't do anything to help, other than call or visit; I feel horrible doing anything that I enjoy because I feel guilty that I can do it and she cannot. I am also scared of what the stress of her illness might do to my parents (as in, I'm afraid for their health), given the fact that they're going through other stress as well.
For the past 7 years, almost every weekend, I would take my grandma shopping. It had become a weekend ritual - I would visit pretty much every weekend (she lives with my parents), and we'd go to a few stores, where she would roam for a couple hours. On the way, we'd talk, and she'd ask me all about my life and about all my friends, and would tell me everything about what she'd watch on TV, or things of the sort. I cannot come to terms with the idea that this is all in the past (or will very soon be in the past), and that she won't be around soon. I cannot come to terms with the idea that in the next few months, despite the fact that she will probably want to go shopping with me, or do something fun, she won't be able to. I cannot come to terms with the fact that despite her strong will to live, it will be an impossible battle to win.
I was in denial the entire weekend, hoping that this is just a dream, or some sort of a diagnostic mistake. However, it doesn't seem to be the case, and it's devastating. I keep telling myself that she had 80 years of a relative health and happiness - she had a caring husband, and now has two loving daughters, and three grandsons (myself being one), and had always lived in relative comfort. While that is consoling, it is so only to an extent. I still cannot get over the guilt and worry.
I typically talk to my parents about my anxieties, but they're really overwhelmed now as well, so I don't want to overburden them, and on the contrary want to support them; I also have a few friends to whom I feel I could always turn, but they're all going through serious problems of their own, and I would feel bad if they had my stuff to deal with as well... So I hope that someone on this forum will be able to let me know if they had similar experiences of grief, worry and guilt when the loss of someone very close was imminent. How did you deal with it? Any tips, suggestions, or advice?
Thank you.
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Re: guilt and grieving
Hi EB--I've lost my Grandmother quite awhile ago, but never had the relationship with her like you have with your Grandmother. That is so wonderful, so it will be harder when it is her time to leave. I've also watched my parents go through their illnesses and pass on and also some sister in laws gone too soon and my Mother in law died in her early 70's to cancer. So I know how hard this is. The hardest though, is that I lost my son to suicide, so grief is my companion. So you are going to be okay...remember to allow yourself to grieve and there is no time limit on it and it can come and go. There are many good books out there on Grief and Dying. Also, websites where you can go for comfort. You of course, can come here and I am always happy to help you.
Paislee
Paislee
Re: guilt and grieving
Dear Paislee, I've had the pleasure of reading many of your posts. You must have started the program a while back because I see your posts go back a way. I just started the program this past June. I am impressed with your positive input. You always have something good to say. I just read in the above post that you have lost a son to suicide. I cannot possibly know the pain of that. But, my husband lost his brother to suicide 3 years ago. We still have trouble grieving it. His brother was around 45 years old at the time. You seem to have a wealth of wisdom and compassion. I would appreciate anything you could share that might help my husband and me come to terms with his brother's death, if that is not too personal. If so, I completely understand and I respect your privacy. I've read a book or two on the subject but nothing helps that much. Thanks for your time and thanks for being such an active participant in this peer group. I really love your perpective ! joanie
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Re: guilt and grieving
Hi Jkulag!
I'm just reading this! I'm always open to talk about my son and suicide! It is not talking about it that makes it so hard on people.
I was away last weekend as well got caught up on other emails as well as some sadness and frustration with my family. I did on my last trip visit places where I hadn't been since my son's death which was over 8 years ago. So it was a sad and lonely experience, but a good one to feel the feelings and make some new memories. I was by myself, so I had lots of time to think.
I'll post this and send you a PM as well. Paislee![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_e_biggrin.gif)
I was away last weekend as well got caught up on other emails as well as some sadness and frustration with my family. I did on my last trip visit places where I hadn't been since my son's death which was over 8 years ago. So it was a sad and lonely experience, but a good one to feel the feelings and make some new memories. I was by myself, so I had lots of time to think.
I'll post this and send you a PM as well. Paislee
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
Re: guilt and grieving
Thanks for the reply, Paislee. Are you feeling better ? I hope so. I guess I was impressed by the fact you seem very positive in all of your posts. I know people overcome all sorts of tragedies and still find things to be positive about. I am always interested in discovering the secret to this kind of attitude. It is an attitude I want to develop in myself. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thanks ! jkulag (joanie)
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Re: guilt and grieving
Hi Joanie-My story might be different than your husband's. My son was 15 1/2 and had suffered from ADHD and bullies. He had a hard time in school. He was full of energy and loved to help others. ADHD can cause depression and his activity such as running, moving rocks, digging, and riding his bike must have brought him some kind of relief as I have found that exercise makes me feel better as well as helping others. He didn't have all the skills or look the part that a confident kid in school should. So he was a target. he didn't care about appearances or looking "cool". He was a kid trying to enjoy his life and trying to fit in where he could.
He was sensitive as well and with his ADHD he would talk all the time. So he could wear you out and also with ADHD it is hard to focus on things such as Math and Science. Anyway, I always went to Counselors at school and privately, so I know I did the best for him. That is why his suicide doesn't give me too many "guilt" feelings what really are regrets. That is a term that survivors of suicides try to tell you, that it is "regrets" that overwhelm us. Plus the "What Ifs" that go through people's minds.
I am a religious person and I "listen" for the Spirit or that still small voice to tell me things, such as the Comforter. I can also feel my son near me at times and have special dreams about him that lets me know he is okay. Also, Suicide is not a sin, a person just is not in their right mind and only Jesus Christ knows what is in a person's heart. A person in their right mind would not kill themselves. Now Hitler might be a different story...as well as some other type of people...but again God is the Judge.
All I know is that my son, lived a full life of giving in his short time and suffered a mental disorder, which brought on mean people to pick on him. This brought on depression and a 15 year old's emotional judgment of not seeing past 15 minutes into the future. Also, suicidal people have been thinking about it for years. Most don't just kill themselves without thinking about it for a long time and looking for help.
How did your bro in law die? paislee
He was sensitive as well and with his ADHD he would talk all the time. So he could wear you out and also with ADHD it is hard to focus on things such as Math and Science. Anyway, I always went to Counselors at school and privately, so I know I did the best for him. That is why his suicide doesn't give me too many "guilt" feelings what really are regrets. That is a term that survivors of suicides try to tell you, that it is "regrets" that overwhelm us. Plus the "What Ifs" that go through people's minds.
I am a religious person and I "listen" for the Spirit or that still small voice to tell me things, such as the Comforter. I can also feel my son near me at times and have special dreams about him that lets me know he is okay. Also, Suicide is not a sin, a person just is not in their right mind and only Jesus Christ knows what is in a person's heart. A person in their right mind would not kill themselves. Now Hitler might be a different story...as well as some other type of people...but again God is the Judge.
All I know is that my son, lived a full life of giving in his short time and suffered a mental disorder, which brought on mean people to pick on him. This brought on depression and a 15 year old's emotional judgment of not seeing past 15 minutes into the future. Also, suicidal people have been thinking about it for years. Most don't just kill themselves without thinking about it for a long time and looking for help.
How did your bro in law die? paislee
Re: guilt and grieving
My brother in law shot himself. It was almost exactly 4 years ago ( August 11th 2007). He suffered from alcoholism and depression. He had been in recovery for many years but then he relapsed and never got sober again. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been in recovery for about 25 years. We have been married 30 years. It seems like I have always had male relatives who struggled with depression or alcoholism, beginning with my dad. I think that has left me wanting at times a certain kind of very strong and stable male figure in my life. But I have never had that. I am also a believer and I share your beliefs about suicide and God's grace. In fact, you practically took the words right out of my mouth. I know God is caring for our loved ones now. That is a tremendous consolation to me. I guess this is just a very difficult world for men. There are so many pressures and expectations. Anyway, I'm grateful that you have corresponded with me. I feel strenthened when I "meet" other survivors who have gone through an extreme difficulty or loss and come out the other side with courage, compassion, and faith. May God bless you. You and your posts are a blessing to me and to others. Thanks... joanie
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Re: guilt and grieving
Hi Joanie-Yes, I agree, it is a difficult world we live in and men are expected to take care of themselves and their families. But they are not left alone to do this, is is just for them to figure that out and to become humble. That's what life is all about anyway, we aren't meant to live here forever, we are here to be tested and look forward to a better life. Your bro in law was in a lot of pain, and I'm so sorry he ended his life that way. I hope noone in the family had to find him that way, that would be most difficult. My son found a cliff over looking a river to end his life and wrote a sweet suicide note. So I'm lucky, in a way, that I didn't have to find him. Nor does the Coroner recommend looking at pics of him that they took.
So I have memories of the good times to help me through, but I miss him terribly. But as one person said at a Survior's of Suicide is that the older I get the closer comes the time when I will pass on and see him again. Paislee
So I have memories of the good times to help me through, but I miss him terribly. But as one person said at a Survior's of Suicide is that the older I get the closer comes the time when I will pass on and see him again. Paislee
Last edited by Paisleegreen on Mon Aug 15, 2011 5:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: guilt and grieving
I'm so sorry, Paislee. I cannot imagine losing a child. Your story makes me cry. I have 3 grown children and they are the most important people in my life along with my husband. I am amazed by your strength. But as I was sitting hear crying about it, the thought came to my mind," Don't grieve as an unbeliever who has no hope". So I took that as a reminder to me by God that I was forgetting that our loved ones are in a better place. Still I do get depressed that the world is often a cruel place. I have to work at keeping a good perspective. I am frequently disappointed in people though. I find myself wishing people were kinder, more compassionate, etc. And it can get me down. I guess this is where I need to go listen to the C.D. on Expectations, right ? But I also know that August is just a difficult month for me. I am counting the days til September. Thanks again for sharing, hope you have a good day today. Joanie
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Re: guilt and grieving
HI Joanie--It is good to cry, let the tears flow. The world isn't a nice place, there are good people in it, but the adversary doesn't want us to be happy or succeed in kindness, and so forth. But it is okay to weep...society doesn't allow that enough. That is why it is hard to lose a loved one to suicide or even to ill health or old age. Tears help you to feel better...so let them come.
I have the same thing, Expectations...all kinds. So I have to work on that myself and also my own expectations of what I should be doing or feeling or accomplishing at this time. Sometimes we are very hard on ourselves, let alone other people's expectations.
I have a hard time with the pettiness of some of my adult children and also in laws, even my own siblings. At least I don't have to live with or too close to my siblings. My in laws are enough, not all of them. And again it could just be me. I'm assertive in some things and then if I'm assertive in what my adult children are talking about they turn it back on me. So sometimes I just prefer to be alone!
Anyway, we'll muddle here together...
one way or another...Paislee ![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
I have the same thing, Expectations...all kinds. So I have to work on that myself and also my own expectations of what I should be doing or feeling or accomplishing at this time. Sometimes we are very hard on ourselves, let alone other people's expectations.
I have a hard time with the pettiness of some of my adult children and also in laws, even my own siblings. At least I don't have to live with or too close to my siblings. My in laws are enough, not all of them. And again it could just be me. I'm assertive in some things and then if I'm assertive in what my adult children are talking about they turn it back on me. So sometimes I just prefer to be alone!
![Rolling Eyes :roll:](./images/smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif)
Anyway, we'll muddle here together...
![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_e_smile.gif)
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)