The Challenge...Lesson 9

[mcshope]

THH,

I'm doing good, thank you for asking.
Yes, I still use my e-cig. I am doing quite good. I only smoke regular cigarretes in the bathroom, the rest of the time is the e-cig.
I have tried different flavors, my favorite so far is the cowboy menthol, however the peach cobbler was good and also the banana.
Let me know how it works for you... Which brand of e-cig you ordered???

Hope

[Paisleegreen]

M. Hope, How are you? I went to FlyLady, but I felt overwhelmed to bother learning a new website system at the time.

I'm not ready for it. I was on a website last year that helped with being able to get rid of things. But I don't know where that went...cyberspace. I don't think it was FlyLady. Although, I'm very familiar with Peggy and Pam, I have their books from way back and used the card file system as well.

I use to be on top of so many things until my son took his life, then gradually I've been coming back into life, just to be "shut down" it seems.

I really think when my 19 year old son changed up my family room while I was on vacation and I was weaned off my anti-depressants that that really took its toll on me.

I don't know where I belong anymore? I lost all reference to where I had been, and to where am I going. I've been in a state of limbo.

So afraid to really talk to this son w/o a caring Counselor w/ me. I guess my husband needs to be that person and that is what is being worked on now, I guess. We see the psychologist again today. Hopefully, it will be more productive as far as DH understanding where I'm coming from. Because it was just this morning in my time of reflection that I just feel lost.

I'm wondering where do I fit in? Everything I've known up to this point has changed. My dear sweet son is gone, my parents are gone, old friends aren't around, my "stuff" is gone in rubbermaid bins, my dog and other loved animals are buried, our business the way it once was is changed.

It is quiet and lonely around my house and property. Some garden projects have been abandoned or put on hold. My master bathroom is gutted and has been for a couple of years, there is mold that needs to be cleared up.

But too much conflict to work it out w/ DH and some of my children. They don't want to listen.

My brother that I was focused on for 3 years is cured of Leukemia, they moved to a place where they are on their own. The closeness I thought might happen with him and his family to ours never happened. It is more a one way relationship, as it always has been. And I know my Sister in Law, has so much on her plate that we won't be as close as I would hope. Only because we are different type of people. Plain and simple. She has her sorrows, and I have mine. I guess this is where expectations come in.

I'm feeling better as I write this...is this what is suppose to happen? I think so...my intellect knows this through experience, and I'm feeling better.

I guess I had to think all these things through this morning while the morning was young. I'm really mourning the loss of the way things use to be...I was feeling the loss but didn't know what the feeling was nor where it was coming from. I hope someone here understands what I'm talking about or knows what I'm talking about.

Paislee

[mcshope]

Karen,

Great that you are enjoying the nice weather. Good for you on keep driving.

I am sorry to hear that your 2 kids were abused. I only can imagine how difficult this must be for you. However you did all you could to protect them.

Something came to my mind when reading your posts... Do you think that staying in an abusive relationship (with your ex) could be a way to punish yourself for not protecting your kids?... You have mention that you sometimes don't feel tat you deserve a good man or a good relationship... Please forgive me if I'm crossing boundaries... it just came to mind that you mentioned your ex after talking of how bad and guilty you feel for not protecting your kids.

I do think that moms are human, only human. Moms can't read minds and don't have x-ray vision... even though sometimes it seems like they do.

I am pretty sure that at the time of the abuse your kids were really groomed and maybe threatened to not say anything. You had no way to know... and it was not your fault.

If your kids, now grown ups keep their relationship wih you, that is a good sign that you are and you were a good mother.

You are loved.

Hope

[mcshope]

Mike,
It is great that you are writting a book... I'm so proud of you.
Have you checked Trevor's website...
The Trevor Project
Maybe this is something else you could volunteer for.
Hope

[mcshope]

Mike,

I understand the shame, however you did nothing wrong. I can tell you that the body responds to certain things whitout taking into consideration the context. Many women who have been abused feel the same shame because their body responded as if they were having a good time.

You did nothing wrong, you were not the adult in the situation. You were a child.

You are right, it is so confusing, especially to a child. The abuse is not only physical, but emotional. It takes time but you will be able to get over this... as you are becoming stronger and stronger.

Hope

[mcshope]

Paisleegreen,

I am doing good, thanks for asking.

I know that the flylady can seem overwhelming, however is just one little step at a time. Peggy and Pam have their website too. Pam's website

I try to read a little every day and try to keep a schedule. Flylady's idea of using the kitchen timer to stay focused on certain task has done wonders for me.

I can imagine how devastating it is to loose a son.

Hope

[Paisleegreen]

Hope--Thanks for the link to Pam's website. I'll check it out. I did read the first email from under the big tent. And I believe I have a notebook with all the sent out reminder email gathered in a notebook. This is where my frustration comes in...is all of these things are in different places due to changes in our house.

So I get overwhelmed at the things that need to get done. But I let go of some of it, if it is my own expectations of something I should do, but not really necessary in my life right now.

I just work on what I can do, "baby steps" and not try to focus on too much. I would like to get into my scrapbook room and get it orderly enough to start putting together "scrapbooks" or do other things in that room. Maybe get back to sewing at a later time.

It all depends on what goes on with the 19 1/2 year old son. Whether he is still around in the next year or so. So I take each day at a time for now. The Holiday season is enough to bring on anxiety! :E But I just focus on each day or each hour for now.

You gave some good advice to Karen and Mike, I really enjoy all that you post as well as the others. Thanks. Paislee

[Paisleegreen]

HOPE--Wow, I went to Pam's website, Pam looks so different! I hate that when that happens! We're all getting older! LOL! I'm going to be 90 years old before I know it! I can hardly believe I'm 56. Oh well, more reality checks. Paislee

[mcshope]

Mike

I found some books I think you can find interesting:

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew

Reclaiming Your Life: The Gay Man's Guide to Love, Self-Acceptance and Trust by Rik Isensee

Hope

[mcshope]

Paislee,

You have no idea how much I can relate. I had a very hard time after I stopped working. At that time I didn't have any of the kids here at home, the anxiety was difficult to deal with and my depression was taking over.

My husband and I talked about it as a time to reinvent myself, simply take the time to decide what I would like to do. I know that as life changes it is necessary to make adjustments.

I had relied on my job to keep me busy, but also as a way to feel my worth. When I lost that it was like I had lost part of me. It has taken me some time but I am getting better.

My stepson is back living at home and honestly that has helped me. It keeps me busy.

Think of this time as your time to reinvent yourself... what would you like to do?... I love crafts, I just wish I could make a business out of it. However I also know how important it is for me to work outside the house, I need to have contact with other people.

Remember, One thing at a time... you will rebuild your nest, little by little.

Hope