Stress Center Peer Support

O.k. I am new to this website and I came across it because I purchased Lucinda's book Power over Panic. I started having anxiety when I was 23, I am now 28. I have seen a few counselors in the last five years but only for a short period of time because I would feel better. I biggest issue is GUILT that stems from my past. I keep bringing up the past and memorys that I had erased long ago and now they are haunting me and I have been obsessing about them for two weeks. My husband was relocated and I feel that is why this is happening again, I had to look for a new job, which I just got one, and a new house, and had to sell our current home which we just found a buyer and now are in the process of finalzing a close and today we just put an offer on a new home. Anyway I have a lot of stress right now. Here is what I keep obsessivley worring about. I remember when I was young I would have to babysitt by sister who is 7 years younger. I remember playing a game where she touched me and I touched her in our private parts. I only remember doing this once I think. In addition when I was a kid I was babysat by different people and I remember playing house with other kids and we got naked and were kissing on each other. I remember getting into trouble and my mom telling me that I instigated everything. I have talked to a counselor about this. When I was going through severe anxiety I told my husband, mother, sister and grandmother all of this and begged for forgiveness. Of course they all told me that kids do these kinds of things and that I am not weird or sick. Here is the deal I found out 6 years ago that my grandfather had molested my sister. I feel it is my fault because when we were young I touched her and had her touch me. Now anytime I hear about molestation or pedophiles I freak out that I am going to become one of them. I obsess constantly about it and then I start thinking what if I become that way or what if I start picturing terrible things. I have talked with a counselor and she has told me that people like that enjoy those thoughts and feelings and that I was a kid and kids are curious and do things like that. Well instead of making me feel better I know freak out that I am going to enjoy these crazy sick thoughts and that I am going to become my worst Fear!! I do not know if any of you have had similar things happen but I would appreciate any help, advice or peace. I am extremely freaked out and the more scared I get the worse the thoughts become. I just read a post about someone who was brutally molested and treated when they were a child... It made me soooo scared that what if I become like that... If anyone could provide insight or help I would greatly appreciate it. I am a Christian and I know I would never do anything like this and I know that what is in my past I cannot change and I need to forgive myself, but it is like I keep trying to analyze every detail of what I did like I am trying to convince myself that their is something severly wrong with me.

Bless your heart.

They were right when they told you that kids do that kind of thing. You didn't have evil thoughts then - it was just a curiousity. How could your grandfather's actions POSSIBLY be your fault? They can't. They are not. You are not responsible for someone else's actions...especially not as vile and disgusting as that. His actions were the actions of an adult with a depraved mind. Yours were of an innocent child wondering about her world. Sure, as an adult we add all of our phobias, denotations, and hang-ups to everything...but as kids - you didn't have any thoughts like tha tin your mind - you just didn't know something...and wanted to find out.

Maybe, just maybe...someone (Your mother? I'm not blaming her or anythig, but you mentioned her words to you when you got in trouble.) made you feel really bad and like you should be ashamed. Therein would like the true issue...dealing with someone else's perception of you or your actions.

This is not quite the same, but my father would always tell me "You can't think!" and "You don't know how to think" and "You don't even have a brain!" I did know how to think, but being told that so many times over and over as am impressionable child starts to make one second guess every single decision. What if I can't think? What if he was right? What if this is the wrong choice? And then you get the anxiety...and then you stay stuck in a bad situation (physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever) because the at least the anxiety that you have staying there is familiar...the anxiety to change and grow is unknown...and you THINK it could be worse!

Have you considered getting this program? There is a session on obsessive scary thoughts that might really help you (plus the one about guilt...plus a lot of other ones!) with this topic. Lucinda talks about how she was afraid of knives because she thought she would hurt her husband with them...even though she KNEW she never would! Your words reminded me of that scenario.

Please remember, that the anxiety of your move has brought on these old feeling again. You are not a pedophile. You are not a child abuser. You are not an evil person. You are not responsible for anyone else's actions - least of all your grandfather's!!!

What are you trying to forgive yourself for? You didn't do these horrible things that you read about or had happen in your family. You were a child. And that being said, you ARE a child of God. He loves you and He knows your heart...and He wants you to have "life abundant" - not life ruled by fear and "what ifs" and guilt. You have someone else's guilt on you...it's not yours. You didn't do anything abnormal or wrong. You were a child.

God loves you.

Blessings,
Dawn

Hello there!
I so agree with Dawn!!
You don't need forgiveness on that little innocent curosity. You are and were okay.

But I understand the turmoil in your mind and heart.
I'll be glad when you get in your new house and your life becomes less stressful. Moves are hard. But they can be an adventure, too.
I think that you will benefit greatly from this program and suggest that you try to get it.
You will find out that you are no different from many others.
When I was in my 30's (I'm 79 now) I became very depressed. Really depressed. It was bad.
Now my Mom had bad depression when I was growing up. Very young. They did not have medication back then. I don't think that she was ever taken to a doctor. (She was just labeled "crazy".) Her depression progressed until she heard "voices".
Well when I began to have some depression which was due to circomstances in my life, I developed awful fears that I was becoming just like my Mom. It was dreadful. And I was afraid to tell anyone my fears.
As the years passed I began to understand things better. There was more understanding of such things anyway. Although there is still some stigma.
Now that may not be like your fears. But please just believe me. What happened in your childhood was normal.
You are just pretty stressed out and that is all looming large in your mind.
Try to get this program.
And learn to be kind to yourself. You will learn to love yourself and sooth yourself.
You are going to be okay.

What your grandfather did is not connected to you in anyway. I know you probably felt shame about what he did. But you needn't. He, and only he, is responcible for his actions.
Believe what Dawn wrote above . You are innocent of what you are accusing yourself of!!!
Bless you!!!
Love,
MJ

Hi Nature!
You are definately not the only one. I did the same thing with my brother and childhood friends. It's normal. We were just kids!! I used to think I scarred my brother, but he's fine. We didn't have intercourse, just kind of played and laughed. Also w/friends we would play "house". Oh yeah, and according to my dad, I was the instigator in everything. Now I realize, maybe I'm just outgoing?! Remember, EVERYONE HAS THOUGHTS THEY ARE NOT PROUD OF!!! BUT, you don't have to act on those thoughts. That makes a big difference. I wanted to literally kill my ex, but I didn't. I knew that is way wrong, but I still wanted to. This coming from a girl who always was looking for acceptance from her dad, and never got it. Well, that's ok. He had his own "bad thoughts" and that's why he dealt with things the way he did. No one is really at fault for what happens in our lives. We have to take responsibility for them now. We aren't children anymore. There's nothing wrong with you sweetie. Just bad thoughts. Forgive yourself. NO ONE here on earth is perfect!
Hang in there.
Get the program... it works!
Live, Laugh, and LOVE YOURSELF! (you ARE worth it).
Lori

Nature,
P.S.
My little brother is seven yrs younger than me too!

Thank you all so so so much... Gosh I thought I was the only one in the world going through this kind of guilt. I am just soooo scared that my thoughts will actually make me turn into a sicko... I would love to get the tapes ,but I cannot afford them do you know if the sell them somewhere else or where I might be able to purchase them at a cheaper price? Thank you again for your posts... These thoughts are the only ones left for me to let go of to heal... I pray that I and all of you find the answers we are searching for to get better.....

Hi Nature,
Maybe you somehow wish you could have protected your sister from your grandfather, or that maybe you could have helped her. It's something you had no control over at all, and your sister is blessed to have such a caring and loving friend in you.
With the thoughts you have, I'd be very afraid if you were fighting off thoughts of WANTING to molest b/c your thinking can influence the things you do. Just that you constantly think of NOT doing it is confirmation that you never could.

I remember getting into trouble and my mom telling me that I instigated everything.

This sounds like a Stronghold, (something said to you, when you were growing up, that cut you off from a part of you that was deemed, undesirable) We all grow up with this in some way, Grown ups, say things, they don't realize what it does to the child, who is searching for acceptance. 2 books "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" and "Battle Field of the Mind" were great help to me. in the tearing down of the strongholds in my mind, that made me reject parts of me. I was told when I learned Therapeutic Touch, that children, are told things like this and they put away that offending part of them similar to a shard of broken glass, and they never allow that feeling to get them in trouble again, and as we get older, these little girls in side of us wants to be accepted, so she come to the surface, in the form of acting out, or emotional, even in dreams. We must accept her and love her, back in to our selves to "Become whole" just as Jesus accepts us just as we are we must accept ourselves every part of us, even the parts that Mom scolded. I was told to picture that little girl, being accused of being wrong, after all she was just a curious, child doing what all children do, but by shaming you about it, your mother, made it a stronghold, something you have decided would never happen again. that has scared over and hardened, and festered under the scab, untill it has bubbled up to the surface, and is haunting you.
I too had a few of these, it took a while, this course talks about practicing compassion for your self! picture that little girl, as your little girl, bring her to you, talk to her as you would have if she were your darling child, whom you love more than anything in the world. just as Jesus does you. Think about W.W.J.D. "suffer the little children to come un to me" remember the adulteries, did Jesus shame her? make her feel dirty, and guilty? You see that is what happened to you but you were not forgiven, so that part of you has been hiding, out and crying all these years, and now she wants forgiven, you have asked humans for forgiveness, but they are not the one that scares you the most, God is, go to Him, ask Him for forgiveness, in Jesus name, you can go before him boldly, and receive his Grace His unconditional Love, our ways are not His ways, and it makes it hard to realize, but the truth is you must know Who's You are. and that God doesn't make mistakes, that He did make you, "He knitted you together in your mothers womb, perfect and without blemish" then you were raised by people who didn't know what they were doing. Raising children is not easy, God had 2 and they wrecked the Garden. it is a difficult job, but that is why Jesus died, to impart to us, the Grace of God. His mercy, and his unconditional Love. "He is faithful to forgive your sins, and cast them as far as the East is from the West." but forgiving yourself, after you were shamed, that is hard. Kane couldn't do it. his pride got in his way. as a Christian, you know all the stories in the Bible are there to show us, we can't hid from God, and we don't need to. even though we may have had parents that were not Godly, God is Godly, he is not looking to hurt us but 'His plan for us is "to prosper us and not to harm us"
I look at it this way we are born of woman, and messed up by the world as men run it, for the first part of our lives, then we realize we have sinned, and we come to God and ask for His forgiveness, and we spend the last part of our lives, following God's leadings to put us back together, and be ourselves the person God made us to be. so pick up that little girl, hold her on your lap, and hold her tight untill she stops crying and accepts your love, and returns, to you. Jesus says " we must be born again to become, whole." it is a healing we all need to do for ourselves, and for our God. He made all the parts even if momma didn't like you that day, doesn't mean, you were bad, it only means mamma, didn't know what to do with that part of you, but believe me that part is an intricate part of the whole package, that makes you uniquely YOU, curious, investigative, endowed with Gods perfect gifts. God wants you to love yourself, He said "love your neighbor as you love yourself" what does the neighbor get if you hate yourself? This is a process, and this course is a great way to do it. I have come a long way, with the tools I have learned here, you can too, "What he's done for others he will do for you"

Nature. Not sure if you are even with the program any more, but I was referred to your post. I am experiencing a similar problem. I too played "house" with a relative, my cousin who was about 5 years younger than me, and with friends. I have felt terrible guilt my whole adult life over this and have feared people finding out and feared my cousin's issues with men were my fault. I just confessed this to the forum yesterday after holding it in for over 25 years. I feel so much relief just finally letting it out. I didn't have the courage to tell therapists either as the guilt was so strong and I was sure I was a sicko too and they would put me away. The people in this program have told me as they told you that we were just kids ourselves. It was all innocent and we must forgive ourselves and believe that God hs forgiven us too. If you are still in the program, I would love to hear from you to see how you are dealing with this issue today.