Horrible feeling re: work

Are you needlessly dragging around a one-ton bag of guilt and worry? Here are some techniques that help reduce guilt and worry in your life to produce dramatic, immediate changes.
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2014 4:00 pm

Horrible feeling re: work

Post by Someone12345 » Tue Jun 10, 2014 12:01 am

This is my first time on this forum posting. I am looking forward to helping others and am just getting used to expressing my feelings. Well here goes...
I was recently hired two months ago by a company and am having trouble coping with guilt. 3rd week of work I was sick and too dizzy to drive to work. I overslept and didn’t hear my alarm because I was up all night sick and ended up feeling horrible about missing the alarm to call in to work. Someone from my work actually (supposedly, I didn’t hear them knock) stopped by my house to make sure I was okay. I was dead asleep. I was so sick I literally passed out the night before and slept to no return. Within the next two weeks I had forgotten about a doctor's appointment I had made and was reminded by my phone that morning. I emailed in and made up my hours for the week showing enthusiasm for their willingness to forgive my fault. I see at least four doctor’s a month for multiple reasons. Let's note that I was later diagnosed with ADD, which I would NEVER imagine I had. But I do, because the Adderall isn’t even helping.
A couple weeks later I came down with a terrible fever and stayed home from Friday - Sunday. I came back in the office for one day and forgot about another appointment I had made while I had this fever. I took that day off and the day after with a ear infection and fever. I came in and worked after two days off to try and compensate for the hours I missed. I was so grateful they even allowed me to do this.
In addition to the ADD, Depression, and anxiety… I have OCD (quadruple threat huh?). It takes me 20 minutes to get out of the house every morning. It doesn't seem to matter what time I wake up because I am constantly checking things are locked and not on in the morning, even until the last minute before I leave. So, i have been either right on time to work or 5 minutes late to sit at my cube at the most. I know it sucks and I feel guilt as I walk into work like a puppy dog that just peed on the carpet. I have been seeing doctors for CBT and medication for 5 years. I am now on the "shit list" at work, verbatim from the person sent by management to confront me. Management is nice and caring to me, but I found out they sent someone that is training me to break the news… I suppose they are upset with me not for being sick, but because I was sick enough that I didn’t call in to keep them posted the day after I told them I was sick. This makes sense to me and I apologize. When I am at work, I put 110% into everything. I'm not negative in vacation pay and try my hardest to be there even if I am feeling sick (I vomited at work and stuck around to wait it out).
I guess my point is I now feel like a guilty loser. I’ve messed up. Called in and rested so hard for two days that I overslept calling in. I always have the hope of being able to make it in the next day for work. Now I am on my management’s “shit list” as my co-worker puts it and feel horrible. They are disappointed in me, HR is on me too. I was told everything was relaxed about coming in a bit late but now I know better. That’s not the case for me anymore and I shouldn’t have believed it in the first place. I was denied the benefit of tuition reimbursement because I was sick, as I am working on my masters degree.
I actually don’t really know where I am going with this…. Besides the fact that I feel worthless. I feel like crap and wish I weren't in this body. Getting sick and having trouble with numerous symptoms I can't write in 1000 words...

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Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 6:57 pm

Re: Horrible feeling re: work

Post by munchkin51 » Tue Jun 17, 2014 11:41 pm

I am so sorry that you are having so much trouble at work. I wish I had some good andvice for you. All I can say is I understand what you are going though. I last job I had I had a lot of problems with my heath to. I would have panic attacks at work, and my depression was so bad that I missed a lot for work. I was finally wrote up for missing so much time. My boss told me I had one more chance or she was going to let me go. The next day I was full of so much anxiety that I called my boss and told her that I need to quit because I can not do the job.I am trying to get SSI because I feel I can not work full time at this point in my life. I wish you all the luck; and let me know how things are going.
Love and prayers,

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