Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 12:49 pm
I need some serious prayers right now.
I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since I was 10, and I've been doing great personally, but things in my life have gotten a little complicated recently. I apologize in advance if this is long, but I have to explain a lot.
My grandmother on my Dad's side is a toxic person who has emotionally abused her children (and their spouses), her grandchildren, and many more. An uncle on the same side of the family is highly unstable...I believe he's involved with drugs, and he has made violent threats against my Dad and the rest of my family. I also have a cousin on that side who has done time in jail for drugs, and has a kid with her drug-convict boyfriend.
My immediate family has had an on-again off-again relationship with Dad's side. I decided about 1 1/2 years ago that I wanted off the rollercoaster, permanently. I had enough of being scared and being mistreated by my own relatives. In that time, I have given birth to a baby boy who is now 8 months old and they have never met him. Although I feel to a certain extent that I should let them see my baby, I have no personal reasons for wanting to do so. They have contributed nothing positive to my life, and I feel at peace without their involvement.
I am the only person in my family who feels this way, or at least has the resolve to stick with a decision. My Dad sprung a plan on me yesterday; my grandfather's 85th birthday is coming up, and he wanted to host a birthday party for him. My Dad told me to "keep Saturday open", knowing full well my feelings, and that I haven't had any contact with my relatives. Although I offered to "suck it up" if I had to, I ended up bursting into tears in front of my parents. I know my Dad's just trying to do the right thing (especially given how old his father is), and I felt terrible. The last time I saw my grandmother, she gave me the silent treatment, and did not react when I gave her a kiss on the cheek (something she demands as soon as her grandchildren see her). I just could not bear the thought of how I would be treated upon seeing them again, especially given the current circumstances.
Now, after all that, I received a phone call just now informing me that my grandfather has had a heart attack and is in the hospital. He apparently is going to be ok, but given the timing of this, I can't help but feel like somehow it's my fault, you know? I was aware of the possibilities if I cut off my relatives, but this is right on the heels of reliving every thought I've ever had about them due to the party plans, and I'm just so confused right now. I was so upset yesterday. I feel like God's trying to punish me or teach me a lesson or something. I wish I could have a normal family.
If you could, please keep my grandfather and me in your prayers. I honestly don't know what to do.
I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since I was 10, and I've been doing great personally, but things in my life have gotten a little complicated recently. I apologize in advance if this is long, but I have to explain a lot.
My grandmother on my Dad's side is a toxic person who has emotionally abused her children (and their spouses), her grandchildren, and many more. An uncle on the same side of the family is highly unstable...I believe he's involved with drugs, and he has made violent threats against my Dad and the rest of my family. I also have a cousin on that side who has done time in jail for drugs, and has a kid with her drug-convict boyfriend.
My immediate family has had an on-again off-again relationship with Dad's side. I decided about 1 1/2 years ago that I wanted off the rollercoaster, permanently. I had enough of being scared and being mistreated by my own relatives. In that time, I have given birth to a baby boy who is now 8 months old and they have never met him. Although I feel to a certain extent that I should let them see my baby, I have no personal reasons for wanting to do so. They have contributed nothing positive to my life, and I feel at peace without their involvement.
I am the only person in my family who feels this way, or at least has the resolve to stick with a decision. My Dad sprung a plan on me yesterday; my grandfather's 85th birthday is coming up, and he wanted to host a birthday party for him. My Dad told me to "keep Saturday open", knowing full well my feelings, and that I haven't had any contact with my relatives. Although I offered to "suck it up" if I had to, I ended up bursting into tears in front of my parents. I know my Dad's just trying to do the right thing (especially given how old his father is), and I felt terrible. The last time I saw my grandmother, she gave me the silent treatment, and did not react when I gave her a kiss on the cheek (something she demands as soon as her grandchildren see her). I just could not bear the thought of how I would be treated upon seeing them again, especially given the current circumstances.
Now, after all that, I received a phone call just now informing me that my grandfather has had a heart attack and is in the hospital. He apparently is going to be ok, but given the timing of this, I can't help but feel like somehow it's my fault, you know? I was aware of the possibilities if I cut off my relatives, but this is right on the heels of reliving every thought I've ever had about them due to the party plans, and I'm just so confused right now. I was so upset yesterday. I feel like God's trying to punish me or teach me a lesson or something. I wish I could have a normal family.
If you could, please keep my grandfather and me in your prayers. I honestly don't know what to do.
