Venting and my anxiety

The spiritual response to anxiety and depression
Now26
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2007 5:01 pm

Post by Now26 » Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:30 pm

I have recently gotten out of the military and i am now back at home living with my parents for the time being. I currently am attending school full time so that i can get a better job. I have an older sister that currently lives with my parents also along with her teenage daughter. I went into the military to get away from this place and it was my way out. Apparently its almost a lot of peoples "way out" where i am from. This place is horrible. I hated the military because sure enough i had horrible supervisors and co-workers and that didn't care enough about me to mentor me and show me how to do things along the way. THat is the same way with my parents. They didn't give a crap about what we are doing when we were growing up. They are the laziest two parents I have ever seen and i cant stand them. Growing up i have always been jealous of my friends because they have parents who has helped them with advice about life, family and career. My parents marriage is a shotgun marriage because they had my older sister out of wedlock. My Mom was fired from her job five years ago for something that was totally irrational and now she still doesn't work. She is always complaining about doing simple things around the house. I go to school full time and I drive 30 miles each way everyday. My parents are stupid!! I hate being around them!! My dad is fat and overweight and does not take care of himself at all. He is so freaking greedy. He eats everything in the house. He has a job that he has been working on the job for 34 years and he works 12 hour shifts at a chemical plant. Don't let me get started on my older sister. She gave birth to her daughter her senior year of high school. After she had that child everything stop being about her but no she's just who she is. While i was in the military, i have bought my niece clothing, shoes, everything she needed that we didn't have when we were coming up. Both me and my younger sister did all these things for her. My older sister just sits on her butt and let me and my younger sister do everything while she does nothing. My niece is a very disrespectful teenager. She doesn't respect me at all. I have done all those things for her and she is saying she doesn't like me for whatever reason. I just want to punch her. My older sister is so rotten. I got out of the military on a disability for mental problems with anxiety and paranoia and they have no freaking idea what i went through in the military. She's freaking lazy and she needs to get off of her ass and go get a JOB!!! The capital city of our state is in about 20-30 miles away and there are so many people who make a long commute to go to work. She's always complaining about driving a long distance. Where we live the jobs are few. She has her bachelors degree and she can be good at what she does if she just focus. Right now she works a part time job as a telemarketer and she only works 4 hrs and after that comes home and sleeps for the rest of the day. Amazing. I know that i am living in my parents house but the telvision in this house always has to be on. I am not a big television person. Television is not important to me when i am trying to take care of or handle business such as attending school. This is the rest of my life that i am talking about. Last night, i have had it for the last time. My parents house isnt really theirs. They rent this mobile home from an old neighbor of ours. Basically mobile homes don't have a good seals and its usually colder in the winter and hotter in the summer. It makes me so mad and teed off that they don’t keep the heat on at night usually when the temperature drops below freezing. That messes with my sinuses horribly. Cold dry air causes me to get a sore throat all of the time. I gave my parents money to help with the cost of the electric bill and my father is saying she just wants to do what she wants. HOW THE FREAK AM I DOING WHAT I WANT!! ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU ARE BROKE ALL OF THE TIME AND YOU ALWAYS BOAST THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THAT JOB FOR 34 YEARS AND WHICH IS A GOOD PAYING JOB AND WE CAN’T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU REALLY DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW FOR IT!!! I A HAVE BEEN AWAY FROM THIS HOUSE FOR MANY YEARS AND YOU STILL DON’T HAVE ANYTHING!!! EVERY YEAR THAT I WAS IN THE MILITARY I ALWAYS, ALWAYS BOUGHT THEM SOMETHING FOR EVERY BIRTHDAY AND HOLIDAY WITH NOTHING, ZIP IN RETURN. EVEN IF I DEPLOYED TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY I STILL MADE SURE TO BUY THEM SOMETHING. MY OLDER SISTER ALWAYS SAYS TO ME UNDER HER BREATH ‘YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE MILITARY’ AND ‘YOUR NOTHING BUT A MENTAL CASE”. I TELL YOU JUST PLANE ROTTEN! Me and my younger sister has never had our own room growing up. My younger sister is having some problems financially and is now living with a roommate. She could have come home but guess what, there is no room!!! My older sister and her child has a room in this house and I sleep on the couch. I can’t do this anymore. I am currently on prescription medication for anxiety. My families complacency and laziness is getting on my nerves. I absolutely hate the family I was born in, the genes I inherited from them, and this stupid competiveness amongst us. I don’t like my mother at all because she does’t take care of herself like she suppose to. She walks out of the house dressed anyway she wants with no regard of how she looks and she is always telling me just put on clothes and go. That’s not the way it works. I don’t like to walk out the house looking like I am homeless. Another female member of our church took her wig shopping to show her that it is okay for her to wear a wig or better yet she doesn’t get that people are trying to communicate message to her that you need to take care of yourself. I bought her a gift card to a store that has clothes that will fit her and she has them but has not worn them yet! My parents are the same age as Oprah Winfrey and they act like they 80 yrs old! I am not that type of person. I am in some ways a tom boy but a cute tom boy. I can’t stand her!
This is making my anxiety really horrible. I am going to move out by the end of next month and hopefully I have enough income to afford the rent. A lot of things has happened to me in the past year including me being devastated that I am not working right now. I am so angry at myself, and God. I go to church but I do not go to my home church. I hate dealing with church folks. I have been going to a new church but I am not ready to engage in fellowship with anyone their yet. Honestly I really don’t like God right now for all the things happening to me and really cant engage with Him right now. Everybody else can do whatever they want and I cant do anything. So ther e it is………

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Thu Dec 16, 2010 2:33 pm

Wow, Now26--I first thought you were a boy until you said you were a cute tom boy. :)
I'm sorry that you have to be going through all this stress right now. It is hard to move back home after being away and on your own for sometime.

There is always an adjustment to make when there are any changes. I think it is wonderful that you were able to go to into the military. That's amazing. You are a strong person and you are going to get through this. :)

Now for your parents, that is very good about your father keeping a job for 34 years. That is quite amazing. Not everyone can do that. He probably eats to compensate for having to work those many years and on shift work on top of that.

Your mother probably is suffering from some sort of depression and that keeps her from seeing what's going on around her. She probably would love to live in a nicer place, but doesn't have the self-esteem to better herself at this point. :( It is very stressful on parents to have their children still be living at home and in a small place that isn't comfortable all the time.

You are doing well to have a computer and be online so that is great and that you are able to go to school. You are going to make it.

Keep up the good work, soon you will be on you own again and do things the way you want them done. Keep posting...I would like to hear more on how you are doing. :) Paislee

Now26
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2007 5:01 pm

Post by Now26 » Fri Dec 17, 2010 7:47 am

I receive $1251 a month from my housing allowance from the Post 9/11 GI Bill and I also receive $1233 a month for temporary disability from the military and I also receive $270 dollars a week in unemployment benefits. The housing allowance is only given to me only if i am enrolled in school, and i don't fail any classes or withdraw from any classes. I am looking at renting one bedroom apartment for $475 a month with a 12 month lease. All the utilities are just one bill monthly.I spoke with the real estate company that owns these apartments and she said that i had to make three times the amount of rent to qualify. I need someone on here to help me with this. I really need to get out of here. I hate living here. I am perusing websites like roommates.com to find someone who needs a roommate. I really need to get out of this place. My older sister is just so crappy (would use other choice of words but can not because of this websites sensors).

Now26
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2007 5:01 pm

Post by Now26 » Mon Dec 20, 2010 2:05 pm

I really need to know if anyone out there knows whether I would be a excepted into these apartments. My credit score is above what they are asking for. I really want to punch the mess out of my older sister. She keeps saying things like she knows she's not going to get into that apartment. Shes RAGGEDY and she wants someone to be just like her. I was taking Effexor for my anxiety but my doctor switched me to Paxil. I keep have these horrible nausea side effects to these anxiety medication. Its like i am sensitve to every smell when i am taking them. The feeling of nausea has me worried that sometimes i just dont want to eat anything because i really might vomit.

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Mon Dec 20, 2010 2:28 pm

HI Now 26, I am sensitive to smells and I think it is just me...;) People w/ anxiety are sensitive to many things. Ick. :eek:
It seems to me you should be able to rent. They probably want first and last months rent and deposit for cleaning just in case.

Most people would want their apts rented. Just be sure to read the fine print, as a nephew of mine put down a deposit for a dog, but never moved in and the landlord wouldn't return the deposit to have a dog.
I believe my nephew wasn't very business savy and too trusting. I don't know what came of it.

If you feel nauseas it is probably because you do need to eat something or it is due to a nervous system running a muck. Anxious feelings can bring on a nervous and feeling sick stomach. I always drank milk when I took my meds. It almost was a ritual to have hot chocolate w/whipping cream and toast at the beginning of the day.

I don't do that now as I don't want to gain weight or get "jumpy". I'm trying to keep all anxious feelings at "bay" since I'm weaning off of Remeron and don't want to have to take Xanax. Which I haven't had to for quite some time.

Glad to hear from you, I was busy over the weekend so I didn't see this sooner. I'm glad you are refraining from using stronger language. ;) Thanks. :) Keep us posted. Paislee

CharliO
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2010 6:51 pm

Post by CharliO » Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:02 pm

I too was needing a place to stay and I went to an Extended Stay motel and paid one monthly bill. Here it was 550$ in SC. I dont know what state u r in, but you could check out the Extended Stay Motels there. I think the price varies from state to state. But it included cable tv, internet access with your own computer, had a small kitchen with dishes and pots and silverware furnished along with all the clean towels and sheets and blankets for your bed. They dont look at your income. The heat and electricity is included too. The room have queen sized beds, they have maid service for extra, but if not, will loan a vaccum to use. Laundry is right there, but you have to pay to wash ur own clothes. But the towel and sheets you dont wash, just go to the office and get them by returning the soiled or dirty ones. It was perfect for me, just one person and my dog. I did have to pay a one-time pet fee. But that saved me until I could get income based housing. I dont make as much as u do with my disability, but i'm sure u could handle that payment. And, living with a stranger as in roomates, is hard. I tried that once and it was awful, no privacy, no sleep as she partied all night and had guys over all the time. I hope this little bit of information will help you. And as for the rest of the family, just let them be. They can change only on their own. You can take the BIG step and leave and finish your school and then get a better place on your own. Let me know if you check into that Motel chain as they are clean and nice and don't let the riff raff in. Peace to you! And I do mean that.

Now26
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2007 5:01 pm

Post by Now26 » Fri Dec 24, 2010 7:27 am

Hey CharlieO,

I live here in SC too. But i am very worried about safety in those extended stay hotels. Being single and all you just never know. Plus before going into the military I have never stayed any where on my own in SC. My hometown has great apartment rates but has the highest crime county wise in the state. I talked to my father about moving out and he really wants me to stay so that I can save some money. He said that he doesn't mind me staying here but i really cant stay here. Every body in this house is driving me crazy. I am going to apply for that apartment and see how that goes. I met a young lady that stays in one of those apartments and she currently works at Sonic and she has lived there for two years. They probably excepted her because she is employed. I have tremendous credit score, but if they don't except me i will just have to deal with it the best way I know how.

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Fri Dec 24, 2010 7:59 am

Hi Now26-- I can see your concerns at the motels. If they are the type with the door leading to the outside, that would give me the heebie-jeebies.

I was experiencing that while on my vacation to California and stayed at an old famous motel. It was great in its hey day, but didn't realize the seaside town had declined so bad in that area.

I also had weaned off my anti-depressants so many things were a bit scary for me. So I understand your fear. I also can see how your father would want you to stay and save money.
But I can see your dilemma in trying to get some sleep, peace of mind and some studying in.

I hope all goes well for you and have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in spite of the atmosphere you are in. :) Paislee

Now26
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2007 5:01 pm

Post by Now26 » Sun Dec 26, 2010 3:20 pm

I just wanted to say that i am having an experience right not where i am really not engaging with God. I understand people say talk to God and listen to what he says but because everything that has happened to me i really don't want anything to do with Him right now. My family goes to church on Sundays and I recently found a church where it is what i am used to being away from home and all. But when i go, i just don't even want to be there. In this church, they display all the bible verses on the big screen when the Pastor is delivering his sermons so I don't take my Bible with me. I guess you can pray that my heart will move back toward him, but i really can't right now. I don't want to listen to anything He has to say. With all this stuff happening right now, he just pretty much useless to me right now. I am filled with so much hurt and anger that i feel like i am about to explode. My parents don't understand anything. I feel like i have the worst, laziest, idiotic, and retarded parents in the world. My father doesn't listen to anything I tell him and pretends that he know what he is doing and my mom and my mom is just plain clueless. Can you tell that I am the middle child of three? I told my mother that i wanted to switch my major at school from Graphic Design to Information Technology. Both of my sisters have their bachelors degrees. Their is a fair amount of Math that is involved in this major and i was a little worried but i believe i can handle it if i go to tutoring. I can't believe what she said to me the other day. She said why don't you just go to work and forget about your degree then? People who have degrees are out of work too. I cant believe she said that mess! SHe says stuff out of the side of her face and doesn't realize what she is saying. I have always wanted my degree and she knows that. I believe that she just wants me to go to work so that i can get stuff for her. She doesn't do anything but sit on her butt all day and cruise control the remote control and wants EVERYBODY to do stuff for her. She is ABSOLUTELY LAZY TO ME AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN!!! I don't want my parents to be my life support like my older sister. She doesn't see that my dad manipulates her into doing things and in my opinion they should have been divorced a long time ago. I come to this website to vent and express my feelings because i feel like no one else wants to listen to me and know right now God is not listening so i dont care about Him right now. If i don't get it out, i am really going to explode.

Now26
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2007 5:01 pm

Post by Now26 » Sun Dec 26, 2010 3:52 pm

Some more for your ears. People think that i am nice but that nice stuff is out the window for me. You do or say something to me which is disrespectful to me i will confront you and basically tell you off and curse you out. People take my kindnes for weakenes and they are indefinitely mistaken me for that. I try not to disrespect anybody but come at me in a certain way and i will take it there with you TRUST ME, I WILL! Before i went into the military i was very shy and in some ways i still am. But, i can be very blunt and that is why i hold back sometimes but if i feel like i have to confront you with a one on one because i am an adult and adults handle things face o face. I am african american and i attend a South University and there are a lot of recent high school graduates that attend there. I am not a person who likes to wear clothing that has someones name across my butt or my chest just because its name brand because labels don't mean anything to me but i do wear simple jeans and a T-shirt. I believe if you want to wear clothing with someones name own, then MAKE YOUR OWN CLOTHES AND PUT YOUR NAME ON IT. Its so pitiful to me how this country, the USA, puts such a big emphasis on fashion and the other countries are sitting back and laughing at us. The students come to school dressed like they are going to a night club. Its ridiculous.

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