Relationship anxiety + "What-if"s

AJH021581 · Post by **AJH021581** » Mon Jun 29, 2009 12:51 pm

Hi ya'll!

I've posted on this Web site a few times before, and always about the same thing: Relationship anxiety! The "What-if" session seems the most logical place for this, so here I am!

First, I've been through the program through session 12 twice and it has TRULY saved my life. Before Lucinda, I dealt with mild to severe depression and anxiety (to the point of wanting to die) in ALL areas of my life since the age of eight (I'm 28 now): Work, school, relationships, and so on and so on and so on. Among many many many other things: There were many times I couldn't go to work or to class because I couldn't get out of bed; I worried endlessly about my first year of teaching because I knew I'd be no good and couldn't handle teaching on my own; I swore I'd never be able to move out of my parents' house, much less live anywhere but my hometown because I couldn't be alone; I wanted to keep myself hidden away 95% of the time and I didn't want to do anything with any of my friends because nothing was fun and I was a burden on others anyway; and I knew I'd never be able to handle a romantic relationship. Thank God I had (have!) friends, of course, and AMAZING ones at that, and they - and my family - have been through hell and back with me!

Now, thanks to Lucinda and everyone at StressCenter (and my family and friends!), I have conquered EVERY area of anxiety and depression in my life except for my relationship anxiety. I'm hoping to find some advice here.

I'm a heterosexual female and have been in a few very short romantic relationships with, truly, some wonderful men. Regardless of how patient these guys have been with me - and I've always been up-front with my lifelong dealings with depression and anxiety - I've always had MASSIVE anxiety during my time "in relationships." I am currently in a relationship with a terrific guy, and I don't want my anxiety and depression to ruin this.

I have the same anxiety this time around that I have' had with all of my romantic relationships. As always, I'm worry endlessly that my boyfriend will fall in love with me but that I won't fall in love with him - I worry, in fact, that I'm incapable of romantic love (I've had many crushes but have never been in love). I find myself wondering if I even LIKE this guy, which, I think, is irrational, what-if thinking, but what if it's not and I'm only with him because he's a great guy and because I think I'm "supposed to" be with him? What if he does fall for me and I don't feel anything for him? I'll break his heart, which means I'll cause him pain. He is aware of this "what-if," but that's not making it any easier for me. He's also willing to be slow with me and patient. Sexual contact of any sort is also scary for me, and the thought of sexual intercourse is terrifying beyond anything I can imagine (I have never been sexually abused, but I was ALMOST raped once); my BF is aware of this too and is actually worried that he'll do something physical that'll make me uncomfortable! Argh!! It actually feels like a chore to get together with him, as it has with all of my other boyfriends. However, it feels like a chore to get together with ANY of my friends (because I'm obviously still dealing with some residual depression, I think).

This is what I want: I want to relax and let this relationship progress normally, which means spending time with my BF without it feeling like a job and without my worrying about sex. I don't want to overanalyze my feelings and second-guess myself. I want to be able to fall in love. If it's not with this guy, so be it, but my greatest fear is that I'll break his heart. I also worry that I'm wasting my time with this guy because what if he's not the right one?

Here's what I'm asking for from you all (Please!!): Advice on how to handle and conquer relationship anxiety.

Thank you much!

theresa2008 · Post by **theresa2008** » Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:04 am

Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe there are some issues from your past that are affecting your current relationship issues. For example, how was your parent's marriage/relationship? You mention that you weren't sexually abused but that you were almost raped- that is a traumatic experience that might be affecting you in ways you are not conscious of and could be part of the reason of your fear of sexual contact. I'm no psychoanalyst, so I'll stop here. I recommend discussing all of this with a therapist.

AJH021581 · Post by **AJH021581** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 6:54 am

Hi Theresa,

Thank you for your input! Yes, I'm seeing a psychiatrist and have been for quite some time. My parents' relationship is and always has been loving and respectful... Perfect, actually, which is a hard ideal to live up to!

I'm more concerned about overall relationship anxiety than I am about sex anxiety. I'm really at a loss here. I'm already finding reasons to "get out," even though this guy is fantastic! I'm completely ambivalent about this relationship; as in, if he called me tomorrow and said, "Let's not see each other anymore," I'd be fine with that, but I'm also fine with getting together tomorrow and again next week and so on. So, just relationship anxiety, or...what?!!

Am I wasting his time and mine? Or am I just relationship-anxious? I don't want him to be my guinea pig if this is just me "practicing" relationship; that'd be awful to him! I obviously care about my BF's feelings if nothing else...and he is a wonderful guy. What if I run away screaming for no good reason and realize I made the biggest mistake of my life? What if I stick around, never fall in love, have to break up, and have then used him as my guinea pig for "practicing" relationship?

Why can't I just relax and take things day-by-day and see what happens?

Ugh!