The Challenge...Lesson 8

[Paisleegreen]

Mike, you're right my Mother in Law was probably concerned, and me being raised by an RN, my mother never showed excitement over any of our illnesses or injuries. My children are amazed at how calm I am when there is a crisis and/or taking care of serious cuts and injuries.

And that I get excited over different types of things. But more I think they are thinking about when I'm concentrating on something and I turn around and my husband or kid are just standing there, I'll "scream" as they spooked me.

But after listening more to Lucinda, I probably have my adrenaline up focusing on my tasks at hand and to have a "person" be where they aren't suppose to be in my mind's eye will cause me to shriek at the top of my lungs! LOL!

I don't know why my mother had difficulty talking to me about this stuff. My one sister thinks that she might have been molested as a kid and brought her shame to the family. This is the sister that has all the problems and is the middle child. So we have no idea, or maybe it was me, that I didn't want to discuss things due to my modest nature. Although, my Mom had me watch my cat have her kittens in my closet in the wee hours of the morning. It was interesting, but I was tired.

My husband only has these type of discussions when he is pushed to the "brink" most of the time. He had ADHD and low self-esteem while growing up. His father loss some of his hearing in one of the wars, where he practiced being part of a "gunner" with the cannons. But I think it could be partly loss due to nerve damage from genetics.

So his Father talked more and told stories that he read to the point of repetition. Now my husband is like that, and he told my children to "remind" him that they heard the story so that he won't retell it over again & again. Since then, the children have told my husband that they heard the story, but he continues to tell the story, either he couldn't hear what they said or it is an "obsessive" thing to tell the story.

Because the "excitement" of the story is still there and it is told word for word. I'm getting to the point now that I've forgotten the story so now I don't mind hearing it because I forgot the ending!

The family reunion is this weekend and my Father in Law will be sleeping in the guest room. Now I'll have DH and FIL snoring close by!

Definitely, your coaching is going to be well studied and used in the upcoming days!

[Paisleegreen]

THH--Our service business is very unique and if you get too energetic and ambitious people, they will take what they learned from us and our intellectual property and start their own business after we have invested thousands on this employee as well as time and energy.

So on the flip side, the other type of employees have a lot of "problems" that affects their working ability. They cut corners so that they can be done and go have a beer or their lives are out of whack with relationships, etc. so they don't show up for work, etc.

Part of it is that my husband is too passive and nice, so my adult children have to be the "bad" guys now. It is their future now and they aren't going to put up with the shenanigans DH put up with. And I just had to "bite" the bullet, because I didn't have any control over much of it. So it has been very hard.

People would always ask if I do the books, I just don't need any more things for DH and I to have conflict over. I really did the raising of our children due to DH working in the wee hours of the night and gone a lot out of town.

So I guess that is what is so hard now, is having such an empty house and still no "control". At least that was my rude awakening last spring. So I guess that is what we are working on here is gaining "control" of our own thinking and attitudes about what others are saying or doing. Right?

[THH]

Paisleegreen,
Oh I understand your point. It is very hard working with our husbands and living together in the same house! LOL....
I have balanced the power for years, it is very hard.
What was weird was when I finally got to my breaking point and was making myself sick and started this program. I told my husband your going though this with me.
Each session he said thats not me, I don't have this or that. I said fine! You can take control over this or that and sense you have no problems doing that it is much better if you do this.
You were wise in NOT doing the books, as I have done them for years with my husband. Your right it causes conflict! I should have declined as well. Live and learn. ha
We are working on the problems and I am being more assertive to him, and I do feel better!

Yes I believe that is what we are doing! Getting the control over the things we have control over. Always learning....

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

I'm wondering if our definitions of excitement are diffrent. For me when someone feels excited they are feeling a burst of joy! Is this what you mean?

Sounds like an obsessive compulsive thing to retell stories over and over again. Lol wouldn't you remember a story more after hearing it over and over again?

Good luck with the family reunion.

You mean the communication stuff?


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike--I guess excitement can mean two different things. LOL! Some people get "excited" for joy and I guess, due to anxiousness. So she was "concerned" with lots of energy that excitement brings, or an " adrenaline" rush. Since she was a mother of 9 children and had lost her own mother when she was 9 years old. Her mother and a baby brother didn't survive during childbirth. So I guess this past experience could have brought on all kinds of anxiety/excitement. She was the oldest of 5 children that went without a Mother and was raised by her Father, a very good man, who himself was abused by an alcoholic father. The abuse ended when DH's Grandfather as a very tall and strong 16 year old, stood up to his abusive father.

My Mother in Law was a very sweet and loving woman, and she succumbed to Leukemia a year prior to my son's death. I really miss her being around.

~~Also, you are right, you would remember a story if it was told over and over!
I never could remember a story or joke to tell over! But I'm good at dates, phone #'s and details like that.

THH--My daughter is taking over the books now, it is good and bad. She is very business like but also very nervous at seeing just what all our business entails. They are larger numbers to work with than her own checking account. We have huge bills and receivables.

There is a lot of money coming and going, and it is mind boggling to her. But she is learning and it is a hard thing to learn. DH started small 20 years ago, so she is coming into it at a much larger scale. But we needed her computer skills and exactness and her pension to get "things done".

So I have all this drama now between the two single adult children and DH. So it is really hard. More all three of them against me. We're all so sensitive right now, I don't know which way to turn sometimes. I'm just glad I can "vent" on here.

Tomorrow, I see the Psychologist w/DH again. It should be a better session, since 2 weeks ago. DH has been really good at not being sarcastic and we are polite to eachother, when we do talk. So that is helping for now, and he still sleeps in the guest room next to my room. But watches TV with me in our bedroom. I'm okay w/ that except he could say good night when he leaves, but I guess that would be too much to expect right now.

[THH]

Paislee,
Changes are always hard. It seams to take time to settle into new beginnings.
Its good your daughter wants to be part of your business. So many kids I know are not interested in their family business. I'm sure in time it will be running smooth again!

Be kind to yourself, you will get through this! One step at a time.

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

Sorry it's taken me awhile to respond, been really overwhelmed lately.

Ya that really confused me when you said that. I was thinking the only definition that I know which is the excitement of joy and I didn't understand how she could be happy in a situation like that but I get what you're saying.

Wow that must have been hard for her and thats really amazing to hear about people standing up against abuse! How did DH become so passive though?

I'm sorry for your loss with your mother in law.

I'm the same way with remembering. I just don't put too much importance on stories as I do with dates, numbers and such. As they tell the stories I just feel really anxious and my mind wanders and i'm not fully paying attention.


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike I'm just seeing this. I understand how overwhelmed you have been. A lot has been going on that you are working through.
Thank you on your condolences for the loss of my Mother in Law. I'm pretty sure she is happy where she is and is w/my son. DH use to say that she would meet my late son and give him a little spanking for hurting his family the way he did. We just smile, but know that my son didn't do it to hurt anyone, he was the one in pain. Most people don't kill themselves when they are in their right minds.

DH is more passive because he takes after my MIL and her quiet manner. I know part of it was self-esteem issues and ADHD. He knows how my son felt in some ways, because he was an awkward teen that didn't quite fit in. He doesn't quite have the gift of gab or making small talk is hard for him. I think it comes from his father's self image as well.

The family wasn't poor, but didn't have the wealth that surrounded them, so the siblings do feel a bit awkward. Plus they are more thinkers, then talkers and if they talked their voice are very soft. You can't hear them. I'm not saying they all were like that, let's put it this way. They are more likely to be in the back then up front in any situation.

I don't mind a story about some incident or anecdote, but not over and over again & the same words and intonation. But I'm also understanding and will listen to be polite.
It is getting to the point now that, I don't hear the stories as often so they are almost new to me.

THH--Thank you THH, I'm getting more caught up on your story...thanks for the encouragement. It hard to be patient! Now I tell myself...breathe...relax...baby steps.

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

Yes there has been alot of stuff coming up inside of myself and external situations too. No people usually don't kill themselves when they are having a good life. I'm really glad that you don't feel guilty for that but still thats gatta be hard.

Likely those people are manipulated too.

Does listening to be polite really work? I mean doesn't it cause resentment? I have done that so many times and all I was thinking in my head is I really don't care! Shut up! I don't want to be here! I'm not intrested! How do you let someone know that you really don't care about a certain topic?


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Ah...Mike...that is a good question. I'm sure it brings resentment, sometimes the people talking are oblivious to the listener and some have trouble "reading" faces. Then I'm wondering if this is part of OCD as the person talking is in another world or brain functioning.

Or it is their anxiety manifesting itself. Hmmm...
DH has told my children to tell him when he is repeating himself, like his Dad, they do and he continues on as if nothing happened. (Now I'm wondering if I'm repeating myself? ) Hope Not!

Two things came up yesterday, one was about my Father in Law, DD told us how confused he was last weekend. And someone else had asked he if had suffered a stroke. Now I had mentioned this to DH's sister about him needing to be checked out by a Dr. As I felt he might have had a mini stroke, as his stories aren't fluid anymore. He has to stop and think, he can't recall the words or story.

I had noticed his story telling or remembering people was off as well.

Okay, the sisters near him say that my FIL is so stubborn they can't take him to the Dr. Now I'm different, I would just take him to the Dr. I had to stand up to my Dad and DH when they were ill. But I am not passive, when it concerns someone's health.

So now I've been "thinking" about sending an email to all DH's siblings about my FIL and my concern about him definitely must have had a stroke. I'm feeling the "stress" of being rejected or them not "caring" about their Dad enough to force him to the DR.

I want to stress the importance of it, because my mother had a devastating stroke before she passed on. And I've seen my relatives have bad strokes. Do they want to see my FIL with a paralyzing type of stroke where he needs special care?

I've let it be for right now, or I would go crazy thinking about it. The "What Ifs?"

There is another thing that I'll PMS you.

Paislee