The Challenge...Lesson 8

[Karen L]

Paisleegreen

that yard-work can really be a work-out...hope you feel better tomorrow!!!

[NinjaFrodo]

What-if the anxiety from facing the anxiety is less than that from avoiding it? What-if I feel more comfortable with anxiety and it dissipates? What-if I see my anxiety as excitement and never fear it ever again? What-if what they say is true and I realize that most of my worst thoughts never happen? What-if I regain control of my life? What-if I started to believe that there is no such thing as failure? what-if I faced my anxiety and realize that nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams?

Thursday's thought replacement

1)I feel so embarassed, I shouldn't have given those people shoulder rubs.
[should, magnification] Embarassed , Ashamed
(Double standard)
->It did send the message that I was hitting on the person and with some people I did find them attractive but I didn't intend to send that message. I made them uncomfortable so of course I am embarassed now that I realize this. I didn't mean to upset anybody I just felt uncomfy and wanted some physical contact and there isn't anything wrong with that its just my approach was not the best way to go about it.

2)I'm so stupid, people must think I'm an idiot.
[Fortune telling, Label, Emotional reasoning]
->I sometimes do stupid things just like everybody else. I thought my intentions were in check but I looked foolish infront of other people or at least thats what it seems after I heard talk about what I did. Thats ok if I come off foolish sometimes and even if people think poorly of me. It's life and life will go on and nothing horrible will happen.

3)X's friends must hate me and think I'm clingy.
[Mind-reading, magnification] Worthless, sad, hopeless
(Double standard)
->Yes I did behave in a clingy way which may not be a desired trait for other people and thats ok. X's friends aren't obliged to like me and my sense of worth or ability to feel good about myself is not based on the opinions of other people. I don't need their approval and there is alot more to me than just how I have behaved in that situation.

4)Nobody is going to want to be around me, I'm too clingy.
[Overgeneralization, Magnification] Hopeless, worthless, lonely
(examine the evidence)
->I don't ask to be critiqued, I don't run to people everytime I have a problem, I don't constantly follow anybody around or get them to do everything for me, I make my own decisions, there are more clingy acting people out there, I'm not a clingy person but I had looked that way with the massaging which I can stop.

5)I don't care about anybody else but myself. I just use people to get what I want.
[Mental filter, All-or-Nothing] Ashamed
(Accept)
->I am more inwardly focused and not as considerate with others to the extent that I'd like to be. I get scared of the body symptoms, negative feelings and I use the help of other people in order to try to get passed them. I'm also not as compassionate about what's going on with the lives of others and sometimes I don't care and thats alright. I do spend alot of time responding to posts and I have great goals to make the world a better place, I am learning how to listen and understand and be more compassionate and I have worked through alot of the fear associated with others and I am now able to relate to others better and I have many selfless ideas and moments.


6)I need physical contact but I'll never get that anymore because I'm not allowed to give shoulder rubs.
[Overgeneralization, Should] Hopeless
(Vertical arrow)
Its Inappropriate to give shoulder rubs at parties unless I'm dating the person or hitting on them so I have less physical contact. (Why is that upsetting?)
->I need that physical contact to feel good and connected with others. (and if i don't get it?)
->I would feel lonely, disconnected and unloved.
(acceptance)
->I enjoy the physical contact with other people and it does make me feel like i'm connected with others. I feel loved and cared about. When I don't have that I can feel the opposite where I'm disconnected, lonely and unloved as if I was at a party surrounded by many people but knew nobody. However, I do get many hugs and I get high 5s. I also have many times where I have felt alot closer and connected with someone. I usually feel this way when I am using the communication skills.


7)As soon as I get into a relationship then I'll feel good.
[All-Or-Nothing, mental filter] Hopeless, discouraged
(examine the evidence)
->I feel good after I post, I feel good when I get a new insight, I feel good when I do hip-hop and yoga, I feel good when I buy groceries, I feel good when I make food, I feel good when facing limitations, I feel good when buying new clothes, I feel good when I am laughing at things, I feel good when I get to sleep at a good time, I feel good when I do the chanting, I feel good when listening to music and many other things.


8)I don't deserve a relationship. I'm not working, I can't even get to sleep at the right time, I have no money so nobody will want to date me.
[Minimization, overgeneralization, mental filter] Hopeless, worthless, ashamed
(Double standard)
->Its true that I'm not employed right now but I do work really hard on my CBT and personal growth, I do still have many struggles with my sleep and I don't have much income. I'm certainly not the only person in my situation who've gotten into relationships and even marriages. I may not be the most attractive on a financial level and people may view me as lazy but I still have so many things to offer. Its not a necessity to be in a relationship however. I can use it to compliment my life but not to give me what I need. That needs to come from me.

9)I'm so pathetic, I can't even get to sleep at a decent hours.
[Mental filter, label, overgeneralization] Worthless, hopeless, guilty
(Double standard)
->There have been countless nights where I have gone to sleep really late, beyond my tiredness and then slept in really late and felt bad for it. I have disregareded how my body wanted to sleep and just stayed up, I have avoided sleep despite the fact that it'll make me feel better, give me more time in my day, increase cognitive function, increase energy, motivation and sense of calm. I have avoided sleep despite how it makes me feel like I need to rush the next day and sometimes miss activities that I would've benefitted from. I have avoided sleep despite the guilt that I get from it when I do avoid it. I have disrespected, let myself down and broken my own trust in myself. I have lost so much self-esteem because of this. Yes I did develp this habit as a defense mechanism to cope back in highschool and I needed that then but that is no excuse to continue it now. I have other coping skills that actually help me out in the short and long term. I deserve a better life and I'm only going to continue to feel guilty and hopeless if I continue on this path. I have the power to do it and there may be many times when I fall back or don't have the opportunity to get to bed at the time I want and thats ok, I can get back into doing it the next day. Whats not ok is letting it ruin my life and continue on its course forever and me avoiding it simply because I feel guilty.


10)I should be abel to think clearly by now, I'm allowing myself to be more myself.
[Should, All-or-Nothing] Hopeless, Discouraged
(Examine the evidence)
->Yes it seems like I should be more clear minded because I'm not as worried about the judgement of others but thats not the case. I still worry about body symptoms, I have poor sleep and feel guilty about it, I feel I have to rush alot, I feel guilty for not doing all the action assignmnets, I'm worried about getting into situations I can't handle, I'm not working and am concerned a bit about money, I'm worrying about when I go looking for a job and when I get an interview, I'm not resting as much as I would and I still push myself. So I'm likely to still feel the way I do.


11)I'm not thinking clearly, I shouldn't be so bewildered but I am so I must not be getting any better.
[Emotional reasoning, all-or-nothing] discouraged, hopeless
(examine the evidence)
->It definately feels that I'm not getting anywhere but; feelings aren't necessarily facts, I have felt better lately then I have in a very long time, I'm more creative, I am more positive overall, I feel more connected when talking to others, people have noticed a diffrence in me and there are days when I'm not going to feel as good as others and thats ok, I don't stay there that long.



Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Mike--About my miscarriage, I had one after only being married for about 2 months or so. I was a virgin and planned on having children right away. So when I thought I could be pregnant, I started to have the cramping that comes more regularly like "labor pains". This was a new experience for me, but didn't think anything too unusual because I didn't even know I was pregnant, just thought I could be.

I was in the process of giving myself a perm. I was curling my hair up with the little perm rods and going through a lot of cramping and bleeding as well. I'm very independent and also was very modest. So I didn't discuss those type of female things with anyone, but then I was taught to be quiet about these things.

Sidetracking here--This is a bit of History--My mother was an RN and a school nurse. She never discussed "Periods" with me, just showed me the film they showed at the schools and also gave me the little booklet. Also, it wasn't until I verbalized my thought that I thought my eldest sister was going to have lots of children and someone living with us told me, "Well, I'm not!" I said, "Well, you can't help it!" She said, "Oh, yes you can!"

Then my mother gave me a book about where babies come from and never talked to me about it. I remember giggling at the fifth grade health class when they showed the "special film" about periods to the girls. I giggled when the teacher or school nurse mentioned "panties". Also, I was always the girl that didn't have her mother there at these events. Because my mother was a working Mom.

Okay so back to my Mother in Law and my miscarriage story--It wasn't until I read a book for women that I had, that described the symptoms of having a Miscarriage that after much pain and conclusion that all the cramping and other "signs" of a miscarriage that I decided, "Hey, I am having a Miscarriage right now!" to myself that I went upstairs to tell my Mother in Law (we lived our first newlywed life in my In Laws basement). So she was "excited" or very concerned that we get to the ER right away.

I was surprised that she was surprised because I didn't think this was a big deal. But I was vain in enough that I was not going to go to the ER with Perm Rods in my hair! So we quickly took them out and my Mother in Law told me that she would give me a Perm when I got back home from seeing the DR.

Well, I went to the DR in Pain due to the cramping and was very upset to be in an ER wereh when they opened the door people could see in. I'm thinking to myself, "can't you see that I'm naked in here!" exposed for the world to see! I was so modest that I didn't see a GYN before I go married either. So it took a lot of pain for me to have a strange man or DR see my Private Parts!

So this is rather funny, when the DR did finally come in to see me, I told him, that I haven't had anyone see me. He replied, "Well, someone had to see you or you wouldn't be in this condition." LOL! I really didn't laugh much, but it was a good reply and he was a very nice Dr.

ymptoms of course? Your mother in law got excited because you were having a miscarriage? I think i'm really confused right now.

It doesn't sound like it bothered you too much then. Or am I wrong?

Sorry sometimes I just don't get people's jokes online. I usually do though and thank you for the praise Smiler

Your dad talked to you about how to use your tone of voice? REally? Did he follow that too? That must have been hard for your mother to manage! I'm assuming she didn't have alot of alone time. That does sound shocking for your dad to act that way when you consider him great when growing up.[/quote]

[Paisleegreen]

Mike--I had to post that explanation while my daughter was talking to me about her feelings about some past issues. Boy, did your Assertiveness Training come into work just now! It was more the Listening and Responding part that was very helpful.

Just to clarify: My Dad did use a good tone of voice most of the time until his later years in life, when he was in his 70's and 80's when life was beginning to show more of its disappointments and my mother's failing health.

I'm sure that loneliness and no longer being employed, he was retired, etc. and aging was affecting him as I guess it does all people and he probably didn't have the "skills" to be happier or have peace due to his controlling behaviors. Which he probably didn't see that he was being controlling.

You're right, my Mother probably didn't have enough alone time. I just remember growing up that she would come home from work exhausted and take a nap, get up around 7:00PM and fix dinner, although us kids helped out w/ chores, then after dinner where she mainly talked about her "job at the school" and the rest of us kids listened and then went about our "kid" business meaning we were free to play or do homework, etc.

Then my Mom would get to bed early and read a book and go to sleep probably around 8:00 to 8:30PM to be ready to leave for work or be at work by 7:00AM.

My Father was more a Mom to me and made sure we had our chores done and played with us as well as was home earlier so that he was there for emergencies. Or sometimes I would just call my neighbor for help if something happened at school. Such as, when my clothes got muddy from playing out on the school's grass field. I called the neighbor lady to bring me some clean clothes.

This neighbor lady would pick me up once in awhile when I was walking home from school as well. I loved that lady, she was so nice. She never had any children of her own.

[Paisleegreen]

Karen L--I'm proud of you on your accomplishments of getting out and about! I really can understand how hard this is for you, as now I am suffering from having to experience these types of outings in a new way. I use to not have any fear to go to places like I do now. It really is not a fun feeling at all.

So I applaud all your efforts you are taking to work at getting better. Yippee!

[Paisleegreen]

Okay, I just have to post my first experience since coming here on my conversation w/ my daughter.

She was lamenting on how a "creepy" Uncle who is closer to my daughter's age than to my husband's. The Uncle is married to the "baby" of my husband's siblings, so she is close in age to my daughter's age.

Anyway this Uncle is a jerk to my daughter as well as to his own wife, and during a recent family reunion which I did't go to, he would just make derogatory remarks to her constantly until my daughter didn't want to be around the family reunion. She was a bit upset because none of the Aunts and Uncles were standing up for her. But then that is how my husband's family is. VERY Passive in situations like that.

My daughter did inform me that my husband did have a sit down with this brother in law/Uncle and he was more polite after that to my daughter and others.

So my success here was to listen and recognize that the Uncle was a jerk and my daughter had a right to her feelings. This took some work on my part to not disagree with her or make her feelings less important and make excuses for the Uncle.

Then she brought up another topic that happens in our business we own. My daughter is the new Office Manager using all her business skills learned from working in a bank and stores to managing our office and employees and their paychecks.

She gets upset with my son or DH when they tell employees we're "broke" instead of saying nothing when they want more money or need something new on their work vans.

I gave a suggestion that maybe they should say something else. My daughter didn't like that idea. She went back to wanting them to say nothing, they shouldn't tell our employees anything. So I inquired again on trying to understand what should my sons or DH be saying to our employees.

Again to Not tell them anything about our finances. Its not their business.
So finally I got it after she was about to give up and walk away, feeling that I'm not understanding her or agreeing with her.

So I said, "You want them to tell the employees that __________does the books and she will put your "requests" under consideration in the budget." BINGO! It took a few times, to finally get this down that she wants to be recognized (which I figured that right away, but was saying it wrong). She went away happy and felt understood. She needs to feel important as she left a working environment where she had more "Cudos" than what our Mottley Group gives her.

So Thanks again, Mike for your postings. They have come in very helpful!

Next trial is a Family Reunion this weekend!

[THH]

Paisleegreen,
Sounds great!!!

So my success here was to listen and recognize that the Uncle was a jerk and my daughter had a right to her feelings. This took some work on my part to not disagree with her or make her feelings less important and make excuses for the Uncle.

We have a small mom and pop business, one employee besides my husband & I. We can not afford to give more money this year as we kept our prices the same as last year. What we try to do is little extra things like buy a lunch, or give a tool to him, or just a little something something to let him know we appreciate his loyalty. When we feel we can increase safely he will get one too.
Great job!

[NinjaFrodo]

I am still paying attention to the posts, I still want to post to Karen L's last post and then to all the ones after too. I just don't have it in me right now to read them all and post though so keep your eyes peeled.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Karen L;

I'm assuming you ment the glee clip. Thats it that it helped you out. If you notice that it helped to the point that it took you out of feeling obsessive then I'm wondering if your obsessive thoughts are linked to what was in the video. Perhaps your guilt is behind some of these obsessive thoughts. Remember obsessive thoughts are there to distract and usually have nothing to do with the situation at hand.

You have realized your role in the anxiety and thus your power. Thats great! As for the humor that will come in very handy in lesson 10.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

Wow was your mother just embarassed to talk to you about this stuff?

Excited or very concerned? Were you having difficulty distinguishing between the 2?

I'd feel the same way too, being all naked and such for some strange person. I mean I'd like to have at least a name and formal introduction, maybe a few teas (I don't drink coffee) and hangout a bit before I let someone see me naked but neways... That is kinda funny. Well unless you were the virgin Mary or Aliens came down and took you up into their ship and inpregnanted you through their psychic abilities.

I'm glad the communication stuff has come in handy. I have also been concerned that I might have been putting up all this information that I put into some of my posts in vain but you have proved otherwise.

My family has bbeen the passive family too and all of them make remarks like that but my sister has been the worst. I'm glad your husband had that sit down but isn't your husband passive too? How'd he end up doing that?

Good I'm glad you got through to her. It can be hard at times in fact i'm having a hard time now with one of my other friends who keeps talking about how I should just choose to feel a diffrent way.


Hope the family reunion went alright.


Mike