The Challenge...Lesson 8

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

You feel he guilt trips you in order to get you to do what he wants? Sounds like he takes a passive-agressive or non-direct way because thats all he really knows how to do. He wasn't taught any better. It must be really frustrating for you though.

I would feel hurt too. I like cats and dogs really and eventually I'd like to get one myself and if my partner said no to that.

Sorry about the miscarriage I can't even imagine what kind of pain that would be. I have heard it is one of the most heart breaking things for a woman. What is a farm cat?

Dr.Burns has such amazing stuff in that book and I'm really happy that you find my help useful and the kind words when it comes to how I've been working with that book.

Not sure if you are talking about the music video clip or the Glee clip but either way its ok, you don't have to watch it if you don't want to.

Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

THH;

Your right, its about reading people. I'm not used to doing this, I guess I just try to look at people all the same and it leaves me vulnerable. People can change but maybe it would be wise to wait until I can handle the rejection or dissaproval that I could get. I could really use them as practice opportunities. I have realized something really intresting because of this though. Something I can use to increase my skills with the self-talk actually and I'll post it in my daily post.

Yeah that did go black-and-white eh? I'm glad you aren't concerned about upsetting me by pointing this out. I do appreciate the feedback.

Ok so you have felt that I was understanding and listening to what you had to say, I was concerned that I might not be coming off in that way. I try my best to offer knowledge and feedback that will get people to see things at diffrent angles.

I do feel alot more confident, relaxed and better with handling life I guess you could say.

I'm glad you feel better than you have for years, you deserve it! You aren't a positive thinker by habit? It sounds like you are at least becoming more of one. I have a few things to share about in the worry lesson. Oh tomorrow is friday....that means tomorrow is the start of lesson 9, wow that went by really fast!


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

What-if the anxiety from facing the anxiety is less than that from avoiding it? What-if I feel more comfortable with anxiety and it dissipates? What-if I see my anxiety as excitement and never fear it ever again? What-if what they say is true and I realize that most of my worst thoughts never happen? What-if I regain control of my life? What-if I started to believe that there is no such thing as failure? What-if I faced my anxiety and realize that nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams?

Thursday

Ok so I had several back and forth messages from my one friend (whom we'll call Y) and I really wanted him to understand how I was feeling and he coudln't seem to do this. I became more and more frustrated and I said some nasty things mostly when I compared him to the phelps family. I agree that wasn't the most considerate way to handle the situation. I then told myself "ok stop, what are you doing? Is this getting you anywhere productive?" The answer was no! I kept telling him how he wasn't listening to what I was saying and feeling and I realized that I wasn't listening to him either. So I sent him a facebook message saying ok lets take a diffrent approach and I backtracked to when he told me i could spend my time on something more productive and I had said "So it sounds to me that you are saying it is a waste of my time to go up the CN tower. Is this right?" And i'm going to go from there.

I spent alot of time on the computer before I went to the gym and I was feeling really bad about that. I got alot of posting in but I wasn't cleaning my room or going to the gym or going outside and getting sunlight or anything like that. I guess I felt I needed to be on the computer but wanted to do other things and was pressuring myself not to.

I was talking to another friend whom I went to a couple parties with (lets call him X) and we were chatting about several things and he had mentioned about how uncomfortable he felt when I gave him a shoulder rub when we were in public (we have been intimate many times by the way and I'd say we were dating for awhile) like at parties. It gave people the impression that we were still dating and such and he didn't like that. I was glad he told me this but then I started to feel embarassed because I had been doing this with diffrent people for years now and had no idea people felt uncomfortable and it was inappropriate. I kept feeling bad and I was spiraling down with my negative thoughts (which i'll post tomorrow). I wrote many of them out and started to replace them.

As I was replacing thoughts I was thinking about the double standard method and thought well if this method is like a friend trying to make another friend feel better then could I use the communication techniques I've been using to replace my thought? I did it and I felt alot better actually. I then realized that I could get that understanding from myself using these communication techniques. I also realized that I wasn't really listening to myself! Wow what an insight. So I could find something to agree with within my negative thought and I can inquire about why I feel this way until I have figured out all my self-criticisms and then throw in some rational thinking. I'm actually thinking that the reason why contradicting yourself when replacing thoughts doesn't work and isn't believable is because you aren't listening to yourself or acknowledging or addressing the feelings involved.

Also i'm struggling with this empathy business and so I'm trying to call out the emotions I see whenever I'm watching tv and I'm adding this to my thought replacement as well. I will write out the feelings I feel because of the thought which I'm noticing makes me realize more the cost of the irrational thought i'm trying to replace.


Mike

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles which I will overcome and learn from. I can not go under, over, or around a limitatiom. I must meet it head on. Do this may cause some discomfort, but it will not hurt me.

Im glad to see everyone is doing so good....hoping all is good with Jamie

Wednesday was a very productive day for me First, I have decided to not bother with the online guy I met, and instead decided to just be open-minded to meet other people, I figured this would help with my socialing and getting out in public.....so Wednesday I met someone just for coffee at a little diner......he was very nice, but just no chemistry....everything went well and I stayed for about 45 minutes....felt very good that I was able to stay and actually stay in the present moment most of the conversation In the afternoon I went to the bank.....the waiting turned into about 10 minutes and I became a little anxious, I decided to leave, figuring hey, at least I went inside of the bank....big accomplishment After that, I went to the store just to re-inforce to myself that I did not need to run home...in the evening I did some driving alone, still slowly increasing my comfort zone....and I went shopping....actually went into a drugstore I havent been to in a few months was a bit anxiety producing but positive talk really helped

Yesterday was good also.....had a good session with my counselor....my oldest daughter stopped over, and my parents did also...so it was a busy afternoon......I did get some Christmas lights up outside, which I plan to finish doing today.....I put them up now since it is warm, but dont turn them on til Thanksgiving.....was extremely tired in the evening, but still went for a short ride and stopped at the store...

Im still talking online to a few guys....still get my feelings of lonliness but try to positively deal with them....still think about the ex once in awhile and still have some anger toward him....but I am giving myself permission to get sad and angry....telling myself that this is part of the healing process...I can tell that I am coming to terms with this being over because I do not dwell on him like I used to....

[Karen L]

Mike

alot of my fear of driving and going places is the fear of not being able to "get out".....this is hard to explain...such as getting stuck in traffic, getting stuck inside a store...like the bank I actually what-if a robber comes in?? and I dont have a fear of him hurting me, it's a fear that I will be trapped in the bank lol....heck, I guess I dont care if he shoots me.....its like "excuse me I have anxiety and I cant breath, can I go outside and get some air? lol".......I do not have a problem talking with cashiers and people out in public.....so its not socializing that bothers me....although, I have been outside and have gotten the feeling that I need to get out....out where?? Im already outside lol....guess it must be more the "get out" of the situation"

I completely agree with everyone that said not to worry about how your friend responded to you going to the tower....he doesnt understand your anxiety and the process you are going through....I completely understand you questioning yourself after his remarks because I have done and still do that alot....I can feel great and someone can say "are you ok? you look kinda pale"....then I start the whole vicious cycle..."what do they mean I dont look right? is something wrong with me?"......you know what you need to do and why you are doing it, thats all that is important.....and I really liked THH's response "I'm going to go to this tower on Wed. to work at my fear of heights. I would like you to come as my support person if you could?"...and just leave it at that....yes, they will go or no they wont....try not to even let them question you...just say this is something Im working on....and if they so say something just say "thanks for your opinion"......and leave it at that, their opinion...I know this is easier said then done.....we are always looking for others approval or re-inforcement that we are doing the right thing.....we have to remember that all we need is our own approval

Mike, I think that you are doing great.....you are becoming more sure of yourself, really listening to people, and offering great advice....in the forum you are assertive but in a very understanding and caring way....you seem to have alot more confidence the biggest change I notice is that you seem not to take everything too personal.... which is a great thing for you....we all can offer our opinion on things, but thats all they are is our opinions....and I think you see this now, where before you almost seemed to take it like you were being judged and had to defend yourself....lately it seems like you accept it for what it is and thats all I see also that you are applying this more and more to your life outside this forum, which is great for you!!! you are alot like me always relying on people's opinions, judgements, and advice....now you are trusting yourself more...you know what you need and you are going to do what is good for you....you are trusting yourself!!

I love the Glee clip.....I have never watched the show, but saw a clip from it on Ellen the other day (I love Ellen lol!!)....and then this clip was awesome....if I started watching it will I be able to catch on?? looks like I would really like it.....your clip also gave me some insight to my daughter's struggle, thank you

and Mike, you seem to be a really touchy feely kinda of person like me....add that to your training and Im sure you dont even think that you offend people when you touch them....I think its great to be that way.....I wouldnt change if I were you......I would just be more aware if people are acting uneasy or threatened...then just ask them if you are making them uncomfortable....and if so, just say "ok, sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I sometimes forget Im a very hands-on person and didnt mean to make you uncomfortable", then smile and leave it at that.....Im sure that most people in your life love that about you and wouldnt change it

[Karen L]

THH

Hey there I also am working on staying in the present moment....its becoming a little easier, but I still need to stop and remind myself often....worry is another one of my problems....seems like it blends right into my what-if thinking...sometimes hard for me to even distinquish between the worry and what-if, so this next lesson should be good

you seem to be very upbeat lately how are things with you??
and please give me the location of the the light when you find it

[Karen L]

Hope

thanks for the positive re-inforcement!! it sures feels great to do things I fear

have you heard about the job yet??
great anology with the fish in the pond!!
we definitely need the obstacle to keep learning and growing

[Karen L]

Paisleegreen

Hi.....I need to go back and read some more posts to catch up on some of your history lol....

my ex used to control me like crazy with the guilt....not a good feeling, especially once you realize that's what they are doing.....with this program it brings so many insights that we never even knew where happening...

[Paisleegreen]

Karen L. I am doing the same thing w/ your posts!

Mike--You're right about the guilt, didn't know he was using that technique. Most of growing up though he was a tender hearted person and I'm the baby DD of the family.

The miscarriage was one of those early ones that I surmised I was having do to Symptoms of course, and I read in one of my Ladies books. Then I went upstairs to tell my mother in law and she got all excited and said we had to go see the Dr! Wow, I didn't know it was that serious. I just barely figured I might be pregnant.

But when DH found out he wept and by chance my father was in the state and visited me, and he was saddened too. I was just a newlywed anyway, so we were expecting again in no time and had my first born not too long after that. We did move out into our first home and took one of the kittens, he was the best cat!

[Paisleegreen]

I haven't watched the music video, but I was teasing you a bit that it might be too scary! You are doing so well with your self-improvement skills.

You know it was my Dad that was the one to talke to me about how to use my tone of voice. Using the example of talking to our dog at the time. That the dog responds to a "kind" tone of voice. I wasn't mean to my dog at all. But I did understand what he meant because my mother was the worst at not having a good tone of voice for her children. She was very stressed being a working mother of 6 children.

But my Dad was very good at making sure us kids did our chores, etc. He was great Dad growing up. That's why it was so shocking to have him act the way he did after I got married and he helped out.