Wondering if I can really get over anxiety- maybe I'm the one exception

[WendyR.M.]

I have been going through the program and have found many of the tools helpful to me. I have found the insight that Lucinda has, to be just perfect. I have recommended the program to my primary Doctor and she is going to buy it. However, I feel that I might never recover. I am still having a lot of trouble. I tried to put myself out there and do things that I have previously avoided, and I feel that it blew up in my face. I have not worked outside the home for many years. I have had an in home daycare, and several self employment jobs where I could keep away from people (because they scare me). I decided to interview for a job, and try to get back into the work force. I thought it might help me recover. The night before the interview I had to take a small dose of Ativan (.75mg), because I couldn't sleep. Then I woke up a few hours later with HR of 150. I didn't feel too bad during the interview and, at that point, I considered it a success, but the rest of the day my HR was between 115-140. It didn't go down until 11pm. Then the next day I woke up with a high BP (165/103). I have not had high BP before. My BP continued to be high until today. It was accompanied with a terrible head ache (pressure) and neck ache. I went to the Dr. She didn't seem to have an answer. I still have a little bit of pressure in my head, but I feel so much better. Now I think this whole thing may have been from the stress of the interview. I am really doubting myself and thinking that maybe everyone can be helped but me. I tried to do something that was hard and it blew up in my face and I put my health at risk. If anyone has any words of encouragement or if you have been through anything like this, I'd love to hear from me. I seldom feel very supported. Thanks in advance!

[dee1969]

Hi Wendy: Good for you that you went for the interview. That is great! This site is of some support but many people are at different stages in their journey. I can relate about a job interview. It does make you nervous and that is normal. Mine was just the same I was nervous and the anxiety lasts with me the entire day. So what? How far are you in the program? Try not to beat yourself up and feel that this program cannot help. It can if you let it and be patient with yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you do accomplish. As time goes on Wendy it does get easier. Listen to the relaxation tape and calm yourself down. Talk to yourself with compassion that does help. When you are not feeling the best just float with it. The next day will get better. Take care
Denise

[WendyR.M.]

Hi Denise, thanks for responding. I appreciate that you took the time to write to encourage me. I am glad the interview went OK, but I am not happy that I had such a reaction for so many days afterward. Today, I am just glad that I am feeling better and that I can focus on positive things. I am just starting my 9th week. I keep feeling like I need to spend many weeks on just one lesson. I have done that a few times, but now I'm think I might try to go a little faster. I am on my way to biofeedback appointment, but thanks again for writing. Are you doing the program? If you are, where are you in it. Did you get the job you interviewed for? I'd like to hear more about your story.

Wendy

[wormlady]

Hi Wendy

Bless your heart for getting out there to that interview. I am on CD 8 and am just getting the nerve to step outside the door. I mowed my lawn last weekend and had the same reaction as you did with your interview. I can not imagine going to an interview at this point so hooray for you! I like you think that I will never get to the point of the people on the CD's in the group sessions. Sometimes I feel very bummed because I so want to be able to get in the car and drive myself to the places I need to go so I am not a PIA to my family and friends. I cry everytime I have to call them for a ride to the doctor. On these trips I take Xanax so I don't hyperventalate in the car an the way there and back so my driver does not get uncomfortable with my behavior. It scares them when I get pale and start to stare into space trying to keep myself in control and from passing out. Dispite your blood pressure issue I think you did good. My pacic leaves me with simular blood pressures, and it takes 2 or 3 days before it levels back out. I have a pulmonary embolism now, which adds to my issues, and have to take coumadin, so I can't do the diet changes that they recommend. I have cut out the caffene and I found that helped a little, but I am having alot of trouble with the smoking. Just the thought of quitting puts me into a full sweat, and then I get short of breath. Good luck to you...hang in there and keep moving one foot in front of the other, and sooner or later we will get there.

[WendyR.M.]

Hi Wormlady, thanks so much for your reply. When I was 16, I went through a period of time where I couldn't leave my home. I couldn't even open the front door to get the mail even though the mailbox was attached to the house and I could reach it without even coming out of the doorway. I think at 16, I was way more resilient than I am now and it was easier for me to get back into the world. I hated it when I couldn't leave my house, it felt like I was isolated from life. It is great that you are taking steps to recover. It's wonderful that you mowed your lawn. I hope you gave yourself a great big pat on the back for that! If you're like me the reaction is scary and brings a lot of doubt, but we're both still here and we made it through. I think that I have decided to take it a little slower. I should have inched into social situations instead of throwing myself head-first into such a nervous situation. Interviews are hard for people without anxiety disorders. The program talks about taking it slow, one little step at a time. I'm so sorry to hear about how much turmoil you have in the car. I know how terrible it can be, and I too, feel bad about the limits I have that effect my family and friends, but neither of us is sitting idle and doing nothing. We are both trying to overcome, so maybe that counts for something. I have had many times when I have been in a car with similar reactions. I have felt as though I want to climb-the-walls. A couple years ago I couldn't drive down the road without having terrible breathing trouble, tight throat, racing heart rate, and severe panic. I had to pull over many, many times just trying to breath, afraid I might have a heart attack or pass out and wreck my car. I do better now. I can usually drive now with just a little anxiety, and a lot of prep work. I have learned somethings about myself and what helps me. I have to focus outward or my anxiety is terrible. The more I notice my surroundings and interact with those around me the better I do. When I first started taking steps to drive without all the torture, I would make sure I had someone with me that I felt supported by and that knew all about my anxiety. Then I moved on and was able to go as long as I had someone on the cell phone that I trusted and felt comfortable with. Then I moved on and could drive if I listen to the Attacking Anxiety program while I drove, and then I would use my cell phone when I started getting higher anxiety I always had the option to call someone (which I often still do). I am still not completely comfortable, but I drive quite a bit and make it through. It's not always easy, but I try to pay close attention to my surroundings and notice the beauty around me. I know that sounds "cheesy", but it actually does help me. Also, using the relaxation CD everyday has helped. It also really helps me to hear of people having similar troubles, because then I don't feel so alone and different from everyone else. I have terrible fears of social situations (mainly people), and I have always felt that I stand out in a crowd. And I also have terrible fears of being home alone, sounds confusing, I know. I'm so glad that you replied, and thank you for sharing some of your experiences with me. I am very thankful for your encouragement. Keep up the good work. Maybe next you could sit in a car. Now, I'm all about the baby steps. I learned something else about myself, I guess. Feel free to write me anytime.

Wendy

[Unstuck_Marie]

I feel like the one who will not recover also. I try to change those negative thoughts but it is hard. I don't have patience with myself, and I don't give myself credit for my small accomplishments. I feel like I will never get better, and now I'm crying. Feeling pessimistic and helpless and I know Im the only one that can change that, but I can't. Im 24 and I've had anxiety since preschool. I can't believe I've lived this long. This is not living. I feel like my mental illness runs too deep to ever recover from. Every small victory gets smashed. I feel like Debbie Downer. Reading your posts did make me feel a little better.

[AmandaJo26]

Hi to all that posted on here!

I'm 27, and I've been dealing with panic attacks for about 2 years. I just started to get a little better. It's so scary. We know in our hearts that we'll be okay, but when it happens? It sure doesn't feel like we're going to be okay.

My panic attacks started at night, and it was when my Dad was in very bad health. I started to need the tv on for sound, because if it was quiet, all I would do is lie there and think. I didn't want to do that, because it was always thoughts that scared me, and depressed me. (My Dad is dying, I married too young, Do I really love my husband, Is there a God?, and so on.) After my Dad passed away, I tried to not cry. I hid my tears from all, and pretended for a short period that he was still alive, and that I could visit him anytime I wanted to. I then started to see it as not a big deal. I made excuses like "well, he wasn't home that much, and I didn't know him too well, so It's not that big of a deal" I tried everything to avoid my feelings, and my thoughts.

One night, and several nights after that, I experienced something that I read called "exploding head syndrome" I would lie in bed, and all of a sudden I would hear an explosion. (A gun going off in my ear, fireworks, whatever was loud, and scared me)It didn't turn into a panic attack till one night I was playing a video game, and all of a sudden, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, I was sweating, and cold, and I couldn't see straight. My head felt like it weighed 1000lbs, and my legs were jelly. (and that wasn't good, because when I get nervous, I have to use the bathroom a lot) After the first panic attack, it happened everyday, almost always at night. I screamed for my husband to call 911, but he never did, because he had researched everything that had happened to me, and knew what was going on. I knew I had to fight this on my own, without the help from others. I would call family all the time, I would make my husband hold me when I felt a little nervous. I would go to my "happy safe place" It doesn't work.

My lovely panic attacks also stirred in me some obsessive thoughts about God, and the afterlife. I've never been a religious person, but always believed in a higher power. I had faith, and knew anything was possible. I was always comfortable with that, till the panic attacks. I started to climb the walls with talks of God, and having my husband explain the bible to me, and felt God was angry, and scary, and mean. I felt I could never be good enough for him, and heaven. I wondered if there even was a God, and that caused me to be more scared of God, because if I doubted him, would I go to hell? I drove myself, and others crazy! lol.

I am not recovered yet. I still have a long way to go, but I am much better. I would like to share some things that helped me.

It's sad that at 27, or how ever old we are, that we have NO clue who we are, or what we really like, or if we even like ourselves. It's daily, and all day long that I pay attention to how I handle situations, what it is that I think, how I feel about what I've just done, and what it is that I want from MY life. I feel like I'm 13 again. Awkward, and scared. The world needs me to do "adult" things, but I'm a scared teenager, who doesn't know how to do it all.

We all do a lot of good things, and we help others way more than we help ourselves, but for me? I didn't see that. I always felt I wasn't doing enough for people. I drove myself crazy pleasing others, because they expected me to. They knew that I would. In order to get over this, and feel better, It really does need to get worse. I realized this when I started sticking up for myself. I felt terrible. guily, and depressed, but if you talk about it, or write it down, and see that it's NOT a big deal, and that it's not the end of the world, and that it's NOT your fault that you need some space, it will get easier to see it for the next time it happens.

I've always had to realize that I can be sad for no reason. If it's raining outside, and I feel a little blue because of it? So what? I used to force myself to be so happy, but why? Rain sucks..lol. It gave me an excuse to lie around on the couch, and watch some movies. lol. You don't need to find reasons to feel blue, because the rain makes you feel down. It really could just be the rain! This is stuff I had to realize.

I still have mini panic attacks at night. NOT nearly as bad, but it's close to every night. I lie in bed, and my heart will just race. I sometimes get sweaty, and have to make bathroom runs, and I still check my pulse from time to time to see just hot fast it's beating. lol. It's a little worse if I've had a stressful day, but I can keep it away, or at least make it better if I stay relaxed. If you tense up, you're telling your body there is a reason to tense up. These panic feelings really don't hurt. It's just weird, crazy, feelings that oddly enough, there are people who want to know how to bring on a panic attack, so they can feel the rush! lol. Lie still, and stay as calm as possible. Get angry with the panic attack. Tell it to bring it on, because you WANT TO GO TO SLEEP! lol. It does help to get angry. Try not to listen to your heart, or anything else that might scare you even more. Feel the feelings, and realize that there isn't any pain. It's just a rush, and it will go away. Think good thoughts, and if there are problems that bother you, and they are realistic? Let them in, and think about them. See the negative, and find the positive for it.

This anxiety that we have takes so much patience, but it not only helps with the anxiety, but also helps us in figuring out who we are, and what we want. It's sorta a blessing! lol. It's like our minds way of saying, I want more from this life, and if you're not going to take the steps to make it happen, I'm going to bug the heck outta ya till you do!

Think of it this way. What really is the worst that could happen, if you try something, and fail? I quit school, and have "talked" about getting my GED for 10 years. After a few panic attacks? I thought, getting my GED doesn't seem so scary now. I went and I took the test. I had 5 tests that I had to take, and only passed 4. I failed math the first time. November 21st, I took the math test again, and guess what? I failed again. So what? I just need to study more, and go back, and take it again. I'm too proud of myself for even walking in the door to take the test, then to feel like a failure. When I called, and found out that I failed for the second time? I ALMOST did what I used to do. I felt like crying, and then I shut off my tears. I thought to myself "maybe I'm not cut out for this" I changed it immediately. I allowed myself to cry for a few minutes, because it was disapointing, and that's okay to feel that way, but I also knew that I'm worth getting that GED, and I knew that I just had to study more, and that I WILL pass that test. I go back in March! Wish me luck!

I'm sure we all know what panic feels like now. I'm sure we all know that if something was wrong with our health, we'd know. Just stop fighting it. Panic isn't even worth taking our time anymore, and that's what it's doing. It's just taking our time from things we want to do, and things that we should be doing. When I feel it coming on, and I'm in bed. I lie and there, and I say to myself "okay, if this is the end, so be it, but I won't fight anymore" It goes away. If it happens, and I'm working, cleaning, playing a video game? Why should I stop to pay attention to something that will just upset me? It's like someone keeps ringing your doorbell for no reason, and you keep getting up to answer it, why? call the cops and have them hauled away! lol

I hope this helps. Please e-mail me if you ever want to talk. I am always here for anyone!

Good luck!
MandeeJo8219@aol.com

[stephanie84]

im wondering if ill ever get over anxiety its been 8 long yrs im 25 i have 2 girls ages 8 n 2 that suffer becuz of me i cant go shopping family gathering for birthdays or holidays..i have a wonderful husband that does EVERYTHING for me buys our clothes grocery shops take the kids to the doctor when needed conferances etc anything that has to be done he has to do it plus work a full time hot roofing job everyday i sit home an my mom has to come over w/me becuz im scared to be home alone its drepressing my main symptoms are dizzyness im scared im going to passout my blood pressure stays up an my sugar drops.i feel so imbarrased that i have to baby sat at 25 yrs old an im a mother myself i i guess its just a safe person that lucinda talks about.im tired of being a prisoner in my own home i have racing thoughts about the stupidest things.can anyone relate to me? im new here an im lost at this..

[WendyR.M.]

HI, thanks so much for your words of encouragement, Amanda, I appreciate you sharing your story. It is important to know that others are "making progress" with this disorder. I have been wanting to respond for a while, but things are just so busy with the holidays. I would like to respond better, but it will have to be later. I just wanted to write you now so that you know I really appreciated you taking the time to write. Thanks, Wendy

[WendyR.M.]

Stephanie, I am so sorry to hear about your trouble. I have been there, and am still there sometimes. I wasn't lucky enough to have a Mom to come sit with me, but if she would have, I would have done it in a heart-beat. I have cried many times to my Mom on the phone and begged for someone to be with me because of my fear of being alone. My husband is not near as helpful as yours, but he has had to do more than his fair share. I have been having improvement in my situation, and I know you can too. I am terrified of taking medication, just terrified. I will get the worse panic attacks from it, but I have had the dizziness, too, and the only real help I have found for that is Ativan. It helps me almost immediately. I started with taking .5mg (very occasionally, like only when it's really bad), but now I take up to 1mg, because .5mg doesn't work as well. Even with that, I am not worried about being addicted to it since I take it so infrequently. It might be something to talk with your Dr about, because believe me, I didn't think anything would help me the way it does. Also, it confirmed, for me, that the dizzy, spacey, not in my own mind, feeling like I will surely pass-out any second, feeling was really anxiety. I don't know if it works that well for everyone, but I know I have talked with a few people who have tried it out and it worked really well for two of them, and maybe not for at least one. It is really worth trying, just for those really bad times. Also, the positive self talk is so important. The problem for me has been that I don't believe the positive self talk. I will say, "I am safe", but not believe it. So make it real to you. Maybe I have to say, "I've been fine for all these years, nothing really bad has happened, if something bad is going to happen I'll deal with it when it's happening. I can't do anything in advance. No one can stop a ....(insert scary word, maybe for me heart attack) just by worrying about it. Right now I'm here and I'm feeling terrible, but I'm OK." I know that doesn't sound very comforting, but for me I had to start there to make it real for me. All the positives don't work for me if it too good to be true. Also, I have found so much help in learning to relax when my body says not to. This is soooooo hard to do and I have only begun to scratch the surface with it. I have been really listening to my relaxation CD (I didn't do it much when I first started the program, I thought it was not going to help so much, but I learned better.) Relaxation is one of the major "keys" to overcoming this condition. If you can somehow relax even when your body says to panic, you will be able to avoid many of your body symptoms. I have also tried bio-feedback, it has been some-what helpful. I have to admit I haven't given it enough attention, so I think it might prove to be even more helpful than I have allowed it to be. Another thing, is to take joy from all the little things that you can. I have often been so busy and in such a rush that I don't "stop to smell the roses". I won't even notice how beautiful the trees are or how wonderful my child's hair smells. These little positives that we can bring into our day fill our "life baskets" with good. With this anxiety it is so easy to fill our "life baskets" with only bad and then we have nothing positive to draw on. The more positive you have in your life the easier this process is. You might have to make all the little things in your life positives. Also, take baby steps and be so overly proud of yourself for any accomplishment- I mean anything. If you are able to be home for 2 minutes, and be Ok, before your Mom gets to your house, applaud yourself. Tell yourself how good you have done. Even if you aren't successful for awhile after your one success, keep reminding yourself of your success. One thing that has really been helpful to me also is giving myself a way out. I am terrified of social situations, and when I go into a store, church, whatever, I am often faced with terrible anxiety, feeling like I will pass-out, I can't see things right, like I can't focus, I can't breathe, etc... But I still push myself, like you I have children, and I can't always get out of doing things. When I go to Church I sit at the very back and I might go outside if I need to, or I might distract myself with the children, or I might even text someone, just so that I can make it through. And I tell myself, if I really need to leave, I can. If I go to a birthday party, I will tell the person who's having the party that I don't know how long I can stay, but I'll stay as long as I can. Then I have a way out. If I need to go, I can. I let my kids know ahead of time that we might not be able to stay the whole time. If you get through anything, even 5 minutes at a gathering give yourself so much credit. I have my bad days and good days. Sometimes I have a bad month, and all this hope that I am expressing to you seems like it won't work during those times, but my good times are coming more frequently and lasting longer. The things I have written to you and more (but I can't write all of it now) are what has been helping me to have more good days. I think this is a long process, but I think we all have to be so proud of ourselves when we make progress. I have so far to go and I am just beginning to see some relief and I have suffered with this since I was 4 (that I can remember), and I am now 37. My nieces suffer with this my daughter and one son suffer (not to the degree that I have it, but who knows). I believe it is genetic, but also environmental. I think that if we can make progress then our children can learn from us. I married (17 years old) and had children really young (18 years old) and I think that my anxiety got a whole lot worse after that, because I felt so much responsibility and a need to be on the earth for a long time to take care of them and make sure they have a Mother. All of us have certain thoughts that make things worse for us, but I think the thought of my children without me really started a lot of my really bad anxiety. Knowing that I don't have control over how long I will live bothers me greatly, but no one can control it. It's just something that we can't dwell on. We are here today, and that's all we have. So my idea is to make the most of today. Show my children how great they are today, and let them know everything that I would want them to know about how much I love them, etc, today. Then I have done my best for them. Everyday that I am with them if I do my best then I have given all I have to give, and I have made the most of the time that I do have. There are many people who have overcome this, we can do it too. Keep up with your Attacking Anxiety program, it's so helpful. Feel free to contact me anytime, for anything. My heart goes out to you, because I know just how you feel. It is like a living hell, but don't let it suck your life from you. If the worse things that you can think of happen how much worse is it than the nightmare of living everyday with anxiety? Try to let go. Please know that I am not trying to minimize what you have said, and I know how extreme it feels and is, but if we don't let go we will life our lives in misery. And that's no way to live. Try really hard to fill up your "life basket" with something good today. Give those girls an extra hug and hold their little hands and think how lucky you are to be so honored to be their Mother. Again, please contact me anytime. wendy@mattmccoy.org