Others' Trembling Voices

[Lilly_Light]

For the past month, when I have been out and about, I have been noticing other people's trembling voices. For most of my life, I have had some social anxiety/shyness, but I have never actively noticed others' voices trembling when I have spoken with them or been around two or more people conversing in public (such as a salesperson talking to a customer, etc.). I feel as though I am making fairly good progress with my anxiety issues overall, so I'm baffled about what this might be. It's actually making me a little more anxious/frustrated than usual when I percieve this, as I begin to feel that I have to be extra calm around people if I hear these subtle voice changes.

Part of it is probably due to the fact that I have been concerned lately that I make others nervous (e.g. that I'm doing something to cause them to become nervous) by the things that I am doing, so I have been trying to modify my own behaviors to curtail this. I am almost becoming angry, as I realize, too, that I am not responsible for other's moods, etc., and, to be honest, I don't think that I am doing anything that should be causing anyone undue nervousness around me. I jokingly said to my mom, who knows all about my anxiety, after returning from a few places, that it's not like I'm planning to shop lift, so I don't understand why salespeople would seem nervous around me.

In fact, I have even heard my mother's voice tremble when she has been talking with me. I feel very comfortable with her, and she knows me very well, so I felt that I could tell her what I was hearing and ask her whether she felt nervous. She was actually surprised when I asked her this, as she doesn't feel nervous around me at all. It's sooo weird...

What do you think might be happening? I also know that when I have consciously calmed myself (even though others ask me all the time how I stay so calm and I seem to be so confident--??
), I feel like my insides literally have to "slow down" and stop pulsing, so perhaps this is causing the trembling that I'm hearing...??

One more thing: I have also been noticing uncontrollable very slight trembling in my own voice when I talk with someone upon occasion. It's hard to explain, but it feels like my heart is beating in my throat. I don't think that it's a panic attack, as I feel more genuinely confident in myself at these times. It's almost like excitement, but it comes across as nervousness to others; as it's happening, I'm screaming in my mind: "Stop it! I'm not nervous! I'm comfortable around this person. Stop trembling."

[BartlebyNoMore]

You are very analytical and a review of your post shows you are also a very strong writer with an attention to detail. Should it surprise you that someone with such attention to detail would begin to notice the quality of voices of others?

I think you have acknowledged your anxiety as a factor in a trembling voice. Is it acceptable to allow others to experience their anxiety in that way? In terms of the what if thinking, your assumption is that something you have done is causing this feeling in others. Yet, the interaction between a salesman and customer could cause tension for a variety of reasons: maybe the boss was looking, maybe a quota hasn't been met and there is fear of losing a job. That would be information that is not for sharing with a bystander like you regardless of your good intentions and empathy. So how do you deal with that uncertainty of whether the source of that anxiety is an interaction with you or just something going on that your not privy to? You can show your empathy by being kind and patient if the situation is appropriate or simply let it go and get on with your day.

As for you, remember we are social animals. Children learn from the behaviors of our parents and family. There may be generational differences in not admitting to problems like anxiety or even expectations of being a strong parent for you. Everyone has anxiety to some degree; and I'm guessing you, like me, are an adult coming to terms with this only now. Could mom really not be conscious of her anxiety in all situations? Certainly. Is it your place to point it out? Perhaps not. I think we forget that we are social animals and we do probably more "aping" of behavior than we'd like to admit. So when we feel tension or stress around us, everyone, but the oblivious are going to feel or notice that tension or stress to some degree, consciously or unconsciously, and yet most people do get through a conversation with that kind of stress around them.

So first, you say you're screaming about what you don't want: trembling. Instead focus on what's makes you comfortable in the present moment, maybe it's as simple as admiring the nice shade of someone's outfit and telling them so or asking a guy if he's ever thought about doing radio because he has a nice voice. Try and make the other person smile and you'll be more inclined to smile too. Then focus on what you want or need to discuss. You have to practice and use some effort to think creatively (without overdoing it too much) but the trembling will become the last thing on your mind and the other persons.