Positive what ifing and high expectations, whats th difference?

[Jocie22]

So Im on session 8 and I have a question for everyone, whats the difference between positive what ifing and having too high of expectations?

In the tapes they say to look at a potential situation and instead of catastrophizing to flip it around and use a positive what if. But then arent you setting a high expectation up? Wouldnt you then be disappointed in whatever happens? Im confused....

[Don57]

A positive replacement thought is something which you can believe. It gives hope, life, energy, motivation. It is something you believe you are capable of achieving. It is a positive thought which yields good, positive feelings. It is stress free for the most part.

High expectations can create lots of stress. It can be a want [not a need] that you MUST have, something you MUST achieve. But you may not necessarily believe you are capable of it. Demanding that you MUST achieve something, but not sure if you can achieve it can create tremendous stress and self doubt. There are no guarantees in life or that you will achieve what you say you MUST. This can create fear of failure which is a negative motivation which takes away energy due to stress. This is a negative motivation that creates fear, self doubt, and stress. Very different from what I described in the previous paragraph.

I would like to be able to pass a certified management accountant exam and get certified. The exam is about as difficult as a CPA exam. I don't know if I am capable of this, but I am working towards it. It's something I would like to achieve, a goal, but not something that I MUST achieve. I have a goal, but not high expectations of "I MUST do this in order to feel okay about myself". I'm fine with myself whether I achieve it or not.

What if I can get certified? That would be great! But it is not something that I MUST achieve in order to be "okay" or to have healthy self-esteem. My self esteem is not dependent upon achieving the goal.

Or I could view it as, "Oh boy. What if I don't get certified? I'll be a total failure!" Absolute garbage. That is not true. What I am saying here is, "I MUST have this in order to view myself as a worthy and adequate person!" That is absolute garbage.

[Don57]

By setting low or what we refer to as "realistic" expectations, aren't we really telling ourselves that we're not capable of more so why even try?

People with anxiety/panic set too high expectations of themselves and those around them. What's wrong with that? The goals and expectations are UNREALISTIC and UNACHIEVABLE. They set themselves up for unnecessary stress, anxiety, and failure from the start.

By setting "realistic" expectations of ourselves we set goals which are achievable, realistic, and climb the ladder of succeeding one step at a time, not 30 steps at at time. When you start out in a profession, you normally don't start out at the top. Believing you SHOULD or MUST is a high expectation, but not a realistic one. So, it is possible to set too high expectations which could have predictably been foreseen to end only in failure.

High expectations and realistic expectations are sometimes one and the same. They are not mutally exclusive of each other.

Unrealistic high expectations come from a feeling of "not being good enough", having to prove that you are a capable and worthy person by your performance. The truth is a healthy emotionally balanced person already believes they are worthy and capable without any proof. They go into seeking to achieve goals with a positive, hopeful attitude rather than a negative, doubtful, Must prove myself attitude. One believes he can achieve what he has set out to accomplish. The other thinks he "needs" to accomplish the goal in order to feel okay about himself. His self esteem is dependent upon achieving the goal. If he fails, he views himself as a failure, and may not try again as a result. There is a huge difference in attitude and self esteem. One thinks he would like to achieve something to add enjoyment and purpose to his life. The other thinks he has to achieve what he has set his sights on in order to be considered worthy or significant and if he fails he views himself as a total failure.

DARE TO BE AVERAGE! Those who set realistic, achieveable goals and expectations accomplish much more than those who must be "perfect" and set unattainable but high expectations.

Learn about yourself and your tendencies, become self aware. Read other material besides the program to gain understanding.

[Jocie22]

Thanks Don, that really put things in perspective. I was hoping you'd answer you always say the right thing!