Stress Center Peer Support

When I first started having thoughts of hurting others 5 years ago, the first thing that popped into my mind was that I might be schizophrenic. Everyday for months all I did was get online and look up symptoms and early warning signs, and of course my little obsessed mind swore that I had every single on of these.

Fortunately after a few months the thoughts started happening less and less, and as they slowly went away so did the fear of schizophrenia. It was still in the back of my mind, but not to the point where I certain I was going to start going crazy and having conversations with fake people any minute.

Anyways back in Novemeber of 09' the scary thoughts came back and at first the schizophrenia fear didn't surface, in fact I was so conviced that this time I was having thoughts of hurting others because I was a psychopath, that my mind couldn't even focus on any other possible explanation.

Unfortunately the other day I was watching Criminal Minds, and one of the main characters (Dr. Reid) has a Mother who is schizophrenic, and after watching that the fear came back 100%.

I've now spent the past two days going over every single weird thing I have done or every weird thought I have had.

- When I was 18, my college roommate went to dinner at Wendys with her boyfriend and they brought me back a cheeseburger, and for some reason I thought that they had poisoned it so I didn't eat it that night. I did eat it the next day because I had kinda convinced myself I was being ridiculous, but even as I ate it I was kinda scared.

- I won't take cigarettes from people I don't know or people who I know for a fact do drugs because I am afraid they might have laced it with something.

- During the last time I was afraid of schizophrenia a few years ago, I had a thought "what if my mom is poisoning my medicine?" and I knew it was completely ridiculous, and I didn't believe it, but I was scared that I believed it.

- Everytime I see a commercial on TV about strokes or Schizophrenia or anything else I am scared of I think that it's a sign that I do have schizophrenia or that I am going to have a stroke.

- Sometimes when I am having a truly bad day of scary thoughts, I will be lying in bed and will think "Just do it, just kill em" or something and immediately after that I will think "NO", and I KNOW it's me thinking it, but now that I am scared of schizophrenia again I think that it might be a voice in my head that I am hearing, telling me to do it... Even though I know it's not, and technically even if there was a "voice" in my head it would be my own voice, schizophrenic or not.

- When I Was a kid (5 or 6) I had a very overactive imagination. Me and my best friend used to talk to a man who lived in a hole behind her house. I knew he was fake as did she (I would turn my head away from her and pretend to be him and vice versa) but that's still weird right?

- I've tried to do spells before (obv. nothing happened) and I never truly believed they would work, but I kinda did... Almost like I had hope they would.

- I don't think the people on TV are speaking to me, I don't think the goverment is following me, I don't think anyone is out to get me, I don't think that aliens are overtaking the earth etc... But I constantly have thoughts like "What if I thought that" so then the thought will come to mind, like I won't really think it, but I'll think I think it... Am I making any sense here at all?

So you see I am obviously full of persecutory delusions and maybe hallucinations?? ANyways I am terrified I am schizophrenic, and I know none of you are psychiatrists so you obviously cannot diagnose me, but some words of comfort would be nice please.

Although if you do think I sound schizophrenic then please let me know that as well.

Also I am going to our Local mental health facility tomorrow to see if I Can start seeing someone immediately, and maybe to get hospitilized because I feel like I need to be.

Sorry for the long post

Stacers, First of all I need you to know that one of the most gripping 'fears" of anxiety is 'going crazy"..as you read previous posts, you will see that ALOT of us have had the 'fear" of becoming 'Schizophrenic...so you can rest your mind, that this is a common symptom of Anxiety..Instead of telling you my whole story, I have choses to 'copy and paste" one of my responses to another member here..over two years ago. I hope you find comfort in this.

"Oh, and to answer your last question on your last post, YES! I have gone through the "fear" of becoming "Schizo" for many of years. My mother is "paranoid/Schizophrenic" so....yes, I fear becoming like her! I've had panic, anxiety, depression since the age of 15 and still to this day, I haven't gone off the deep end, so to speak Just the "fear" of going "crazy" keeps me from going crazy. People that have these horrible ailments DO NOT KNOW they are ill, they think everyone else is. I know this first hand! Anxiety will play on your worst fears. Thus, the "OST's""obsessive scary thoughts) We are natural "worriers". Do as the program says, write down your thoughts, worries, etc. as you go back and reflect on them, you will begin to see just how much you worry. That is when you will begin to see how much of it is actually due to negative thinking, poor self talk, etc. Trust me, I've been there, done that. I hope this helps, I know by reading other posts, it helped me tremendously!!!
again, take care and God bless
Robin"


Stacers, see I've also had these worries..This was about two years ago...today i am not 'obsessed" with this thought..I learned to retrain my thinking..And this is coming from someone who has a Mom that has this 'mental illness". I no longer 'fear" that 'thought".

Take care and continue the program. If you do not have the program, I would suggest it. Write out your fears and journal..continue posting and getting advice and suggestions from other members, it saved my life!

Blessings to you~
Momof6(Robin)

Stacers- NOPE...you are NOT crazy. You do not have schizophrenia. I have had some of the worst anxious thoughts that I feel I could never tell anyone- even my husband. When you are in this anxious state your mind tends to play lots of weird tricks on you. I used to fear driving into the other lane, going crazy at the supermarket, what if I ran over a person in a parking lot? Things like that. It is your minds response to intense anxiety. You have to believe this or at least tell yourself that you believe it until you do. I am finding that so many people have scary awful thoughts like I did. You are not alone!
Mernda

One minute im watching tv and then the next, i get a terrible thought about my sibings getting hurt or i hurt them. Thats what happened to me last Tuesday. Ever since then, ive been sick to my stomache and cant even sleep or eat. Ive been obsesssing about that thought and had more terrible thoughts since then. I've dealt with this on and off since i was about 5. That was when i had my first bad thought about a family member of mines being stabbed and couldnt stop thinking about it for weeks.Ever since then, its been a roller coaster ride. It had been about 4 years since my last terrible thought and life was going good until recently. Now its been hell. I wish this problem never existed. My family is coming over for spring break but i try not to think about because the thoughts seem to get worse. i dont know what i will do when i see them. I also have a birthday in a couple weeks but i think i will cancel my plans and spend it locked up in my room because it is so bad right now. Some days, i cry for like an hour wondering why this is happening to me hoping and praying it will go away only to wake up the next day and feel the same. Other days, i hope to have a stroke or a tumor or get in an accident and have brain trauma hoping that i lose my memory and have it all erased so the obsessive thoughts can go away. Im new to the site and im glad that i found it because my entire life i thought i was the only one going through this. I dont want it to sound wrong but it is good to know that im not the only one who is going through this and that their are other people who understand what it is like. I want to tell my mom because she is understanding and we tell each other everything, but im nervous that she might think im phsyco or something. Im just so scared to death right now and after about 18 years of going through this problem, i just dont know how much longer i can handle it. Wishing there was s brain surgery to fix it or somehing. Thinking about checking myself into a hospital or something. What should i do? Does anyone have any advice?

Stacers,

I am sorry you are worried about being schizophrenic. Please note that my friend who suffered with scary obsessive thoughts had a similar concern. He had the thoughts at the same time as A Beautiful Mind came out. It's the movie Russell Crowe plays a schizophrenic mathematician. My friend was so fearful that he would close his eyes when he saw movie posters/commercials advertising the flick.

Stracer
you just wrote what I'm going through RIGHT NOW
what if my thinking voice inside my head was the a schizo voice and not me, sometimes I scare myself ( dont know why) by making sounds inside of me, like calling my name, but I know it's me casue I also assure myself with the same voice calling micky mouse name..DOPE lol
I am so afraid of going schizo, I even started digging for my past memories to see symptoms and small stupid things can turn into evidence which is not..I know but you just can't lock the thought.
sometimes I say OMG what If I am a schizo since I was a child And I didn't know that.
if I have a headache I say this is the start...and the obsession begins,I don't have a peace of mind now, sometimes I do but lately I feel you so much.
I can relate to anything bad that happens to people.
sometimes I say ,I know that this is my thinking but what if this thinking never stops and I lose important things in my life and the cycle goes on and on..it's hard but not permenant, I am so much stronger than I used to be, and what doesn't kill you..makes you strong
one day ur gonna laugh at it..I saw a lot of ppl who did.
rocking

Stacers,

I read your post, and can tell you that I (along with sooooo many others here) went through the same exact thing. I couldn't even look at the word 'schizophrenia', I couldn't see or hear the word 'institution' or the word 'crazy.' I had myself so sick over the whole idea for so long (MONTHS) and I can now tell you that I no longer worry about it at all.

I remember laying on the couch with my eyes closed and being afraid to open them again because I was sure I was going to hallucinate. Never happened.

A Beautiful Mind used to be one of my favorite movies, but after all the anxiety stuff happened, I couldn't even think about it without scaring myself to death.

But now, I can see and hear all of those words, and watch that movie (which I did several times, and enjoyed it ).

You are not crazy. Just like someone else said...people with that problem do not sit and obsess about it. They do not even realize they have the problem. They don't think "What if I hear voices," or "What if I hallucinate," just like I used to worry about. This is just a classic example of a scary obsessive thought.

I actually read your post with a bit of a grin on my face...I know it's not funny AT ALL when you are going through it, so please don't be offended by that. It's just that I remember all too well going through the exact same thoughts and fears, non-stop, everyday, all day, for months. And now it's been sooo long since then, and I haven't hallucinated or heard voices, or anything yet, and neither will you. As hard as it is for you to believe right now...this really is just a scary obsessive thought.

Hope this helps .

Ok join the rest of us. When I first found out that I was Schizodpheric and this was when I made it through the the program program that helped me to recover from Manic Depression. Well sir I just rolled my eyes in the back of my head and said "Oh, great another problem for me to get over." And guess what I have. You see we all have something that's against us. I see it every day that's life. And you and I have a choice to either be knock out for the count or land on our backs. Because if you can look up than you can get up. It's not Rocket Science its reality. I know that I can easily get sucked into my Fantasy worlds because I'm a cartoonist. But I know when the Fantasy ends when I decide to put down the pen and get back to my real life. Before I couldn't do it because I was blaming every body else for my PAIN. I wasn't taking responsiblity for my own actions until now. And that's what I think of others with adictions they can't deal with not sticking some cigareet in their mouths or shoving that needle up their arms because they are AFRAID OF SOMETHING THAT SOME BODY TOLD THEM THAT THEY BELIEVE THE LIE SO THEY RUN AND HIDE FROM IT! I'm not running from it any more. How about you?

goodluck

Oh come on you want to be a movie character with a heart of mercenary? Is that the only way you can relate to the world? YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING!