an old fear rehatched.

[Kami1095]

Boy this is just the year to open up my can of fear worms i guess. I'm afraid of everything. It's ridiculous. Stuff i used to love is now associated with this disorder going on.
But hopefully someone will have some input on this fear.


I went to a catholic elementary school. Complete with nuns and guilt. I didnt really agree with the religion...it just didnt completely sit well with me. no masturbation...no sex. etc. for example i associate sex with love...and i dont think theres anything to feel guilty about there.

anyways i remember even that young deciding to keep an open mind, these were adults i was surrounded by...and maybe some of what they said even though it sounded illogical to me, maybe some of it was true. so it was then that i decided to always look outside the box and analyze from different points of view...and make my own decisions based on my feelings.

well i have this horrible memory of being in the fourth grade. and our teacher was reading to us from some sort of religious chicken soup for the soul book. and the story was that - uck its even hard to write about. the story was that the girl was looking up on her ceiling and demon heads appeared on the ceiling. and she prayed to god and all the angels came and fought the demons away.

so i pretty much avoided the religion after that. imagine being a fourth grader and hearing THAT. talk about nightmares. i couldn't sleep without a light on. i had separation anxiety from my mom bad enough let alone after that.

so i got over it...and what do you know...23 years old..and it comes back.

i awoke last night to wailing screaming voices. (turns out the weather channel was advertising 50mph wind warnings but i didnt know that) somewhere in my logical mind i figured it was the wind...but as i tried to fall asleep the nightmares came.

the first one was going to a dingy apartment with my bf. and there where all these creepy posters all over the walls and i ran into the bathroom to get sick and the toilet was filled with...well it wasn't water.

i woke up. ran downstairs and climbed into bed with mom at age 23.

then i woke up to the sound of church bells and musical notes clanging and wailing whines. (neighbors wind chimes from the wind) and church bells should be reassuring and nice right? not with my history. i felt like there was some sort of religious fight occurring right outside the windows. i panicked all night. faded in and out of nightmare after nightmare.
all related to ex boyfriends, sex, religious figures, and creepy creatures.

I woke up and prayed. "im sorry lord for not being a complete believer...and i feel like such a fake still...because to me catholic religion is full of superstition and scary things...but please please please let me be ok"

and i wrapped my moms cross around my neck and slept with it in my hands. nightmares continued.


So now...it gives me insight into was im not as religious as some of you. im afraid to believe in anything "magical" because to me if those things are true then the bad stuff could be true too. i was so happy over the years without an assigned spirituality. i felt like a good person. now all this guilt has rushed back into my life...and fear...and feeling like im crazy. just like being a little girl in elementary school. feel like i dont fit in.

i just want to believe in love. i just want to fall in love. i want to feel the sunshine. and its real hard right now.

so now you see why im agnostic on some level. its not just that...its...years of philosophy classes and trying to push away anything not grounded completely. and i think on some level some left over trauma from my youth.

[sadinny76]

Hello, I feel your pain, a different kind, but I feel it. I saw something on television that was HORRIBLE...or implied horror anyway. So then my thoughts began, could i hurt myself? Am I capable? What about my Mom? I love her more than anything, am I capable of hurting her? Etc. Etc. So after being told by a psychiatrist (landed for 1 night in an institution because I told the wrong doctor the wrong thing) that I had obsessive thoughts. That was about 20 yrs ago. Now, I know it's Pure OCD. Anyhow, I got over it for years and years...then my husband and I had some problems..which led into financial problems...which eventually will lead me to bankruptcy...very long story, but anyhow, you see the life stressors. Then I saw an episode of Dexter on showtime. Now, I had seen other episodes and was OK with it..but now...wow, I saw this one episode, and everything that I felt 20 yrs ago came at me with a vengeance. I was calling my Mom at 1130 at night with a panic attack, I thought I was going to die or go insane. So I understand. I'm much better now, I haven't gone on any "program" because I can't afford it, but I have read a LOT on this forum and it's helped a LOT. I think this forum saved me from months of ruminating over the thoughts. I still get them, but they're less frequent now...mostly because I know NOT to stop them. If you try to block out the nasty thoughts...they will continue to come, and worse. Do you have a journal? My husband (yes same one, we're excellent now) suggested it because I have a tendency to bottle up the things that bother me...until I'm so stressed out I can't stand it. I'm learning to deal and manage. I can understand the trauma from your youth, as I indicated previously, at a very young age I saw something on tv that just ALLUDED to something horrific (not graphic but you knew what happened..) and I still remember it to this day...exactly what I saw. I have no idea what the name was or anything, but I know what I saw. And it will stay with you, but you won't think about it. Like stubbing your toe, it hurts like hell when you do it...then when you hit it when it's sore it hurts like hell again..but eventually, it'll be like...I stubbed my toe, no big deal. I use eseential oils too, and I think that helps quite a bit as well. I hope I helped a little..it seems like you're in a living hell right now..but it will pass, that I promise you.

[amberlee]

Kami,

I think that you and I are going through the same thing right now. Its seems as though I am scared of everything too! I don't come out of my house, but it is mostly because I don't really have a life right now. I cant't work and I dropped out of school because I can't concentrate on anything but my thoughts.

The nightmares are horriable. Last night wasn't so bad for me though. I started my medication (paxil) and to tell you the truth I felt somewhat better, but I still have to take the sleeping meds.

I kinda understand where you are coming from with the sex situation. My grandmother was a very religous person and I was always hearing about how I shouldn't have sex that its dirty, but then my mother is telling me how natural it is and that it is ok. Oh and school was always educating us on STDS and abstinece, so I almost feel brainwashed with the issue of sex.

I also understand where you are coming from with religion too! Growing up both of my parents did not believe in god and I was always told the scinetific side of things. I always wanted to believe, mostly because I didn't want to go to hell and because my grandmother was so religious that she was always preaching to me and my brother. Now my mom is totally a believer in god and I don't understand it. Just all of a sudden now she believes and its totally weird for me to here her talk about god. Now I feel like a need a higher power in my life, but I always get those thoughts into my head about if he truely does exist because I am in so much pain, and if god truely loved me why does he let me feel this way? I am so skeptical, but I want to be a believer so bad.

I have also been needing my mom like crazy lately. She lives in another state and she works between 10-12 hours and day and I feel like I am being a nuisance, but I need to talk to her. I have been calling and e-mailing her alsmot everyday.

I know what you mean when you said that you just wanted to love and feel the sunshine because I have been craving love and sunshine lately.

[Naustin]

WOW girl I can completely relate. I grew up Pentecostal. Well they (I am sure not all) like to SCARE god in you. They talked about the scariest stuff. I used to be terrified of everything. It even scared me out of religion for a while. I still have episodes that spark up. Possession ect... all the fun ocd stuff lol I know now that God is a loving merciful God who knows that we were born to make mistakes and that none of us are perfect. You are not alone in any of your fears. They are very understandable. You would be surprised how many people have them. I have had horrible nightmares. Try your best to take your mind somewhere else. It was only a bad dream. Anyone would freak out over some of those nightmares. If you ever need someone to vent with just PM me. Hope you feel better.

[Kami1095]

thanks so much for all your input. it does help. i mean i think i know what i believe and what i want in my life and i feel like the more i force positive thoughts into my head the easier it gets. today was a lot better. and it was tough to get it that good. but maybe ill get used to things. i actually came home and cleaned and such. still felt a little weird like i was playing a part or something...but i know i wasnt i used to enjoy keeping things clean. so i just try to focus on what the real me is. and focus on when the real me pops out.

like i was worried about having animals in my new apartment for fear of losing it around them or something...and the other day i was at my moms house and the cat did something cute and it was an automatic "awww *giggle*" reaction.
so i know its not gone....its hard to really be your natural good self to when you are analyzing EVERYTHING you do all day. so im trying to remember that and relax.

amber, i know you are having this as bad as me lately and if you EVER need to talk message me. also try the chat rooms...i have found it nice to be able to socialize on there and feel somewhat like a normal human again.

thanks again everyone.