Afraid

Lis1234 · Post by **Lis1234** » Sat Mar 27, 2010 9:58 am

I live with these scary thoughts daily. I can't seem to shut my mind off or think about something else. i am soooo scared.

6 years ago I experienced these terrible feelings of anxiety after watching a man getting his head cut off in a movie. I went into total panic that night and then started thinking I was going crazy. I couldn't go to work because I thought I wasn't going to see my family again or that I was going to black out on the way home and get lost, go crazy, lose my mind, not recognize anyone anymore etc....
I went to a doctor who prescribed me Zoloft and after I took it for the first time, i thought " Well if they're giving me medication then I must be crazy"...so that made my anxiety worse and I never took it again..eventually after suffering for about 6 or 7 months, the thoughts vanished. Since then I have gotten married and and had a baby.

2 years ago I watched a show on E! " the 20 most horrifying murders"...I panicked again..All of a sudden I starting thinking " What If I kill my whole family in their sleep like that person did??? What is I kill my son??? And it got soo bad that I couldn't be alone with my son, once again I couldn't go to work, I would cry and not eat because I always had that terrible feeling in my stomach. I went to see a therapist and after talking to him I felt a little better. The thoughts didn't go away but I felt better. I kept asking my husband, brothers, friends if they thought I was crazy??? And when they told me No, I thought they were lying. Eventually they went away after a few months of mental torture. Since then I have been so happy. Enjoying my life, enjoying my family.

Last week I just so happen to watch on E! AGAIN!!! " Too Young to Kill"...terrified my to death. I have been having the obsessive thought again about " What if I kill my family in their sleep? What if I hurt my son? What if I hurt myself? What if my husband leaves me and takes my child because he thinks I'm crazy?? What if they lock me up in jail or in a mental institution??? I'm terrified that I'll black out and do all these things!!! The TV and news does not help. All these crazy things that you hear on TV just torture me because I obsess about them. I don't even want to watch tv anymore. I'm so scared!!!
I don't want to do these things but what makes me different from those people who have committed these crimes. Why did they do that? Why do people hurt their kids? i just want to cry thinking about it. Why can't I be normal like other people. I hate myself for this. I try to convince myself that they're just thoughts but I can't. i get lost in my thoughts but when someone talks to me, I'm like if nothing is going on but inside I'm crying for help!

Please help me? Am I really crazy?? Will I do these things? Will I drive myself crazy?? what if I already am?? Will I ever be happy again??? That's all I want. I can give up anything just to be happy with my family. I don't want to lose them.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Apr 21, 2010 3:55 pm

I'm 21 yrs old and have had a rough life in the past. Verbal mental abuse mainly. Then i turned to drugs at 17. I've been an emotional wreck since 8th grade. Wasn't til like maybe 7 months ago that i started getting these disturbing thoughts in my head. Thoughts about killing my dogs. I love my dogs, and i imagine someone else killing them, and that draws an image of me killing the person. You're not alone. I feel weird being around children, old people, and especially my family and dogs. Tv is the worst trigger there is. You see murders every two seconds. I contribute my violent thoughts to violent movies, grand theft auto video games, and an extremely obsessive mind. I'm doing everything i can to get better and move on. good luck to us both.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Apr 26, 2010 7:14 am

hi brandonmississippi,

This is a terrible thing to go through. It comforts me to see that I'm not alone. Tv definitely is my biggest trigger. I've definitely gotten better in the last week or so. At first I was with these scary thoughts allllll day long. And recently they were just for a little while when I got home from work. Yesterday I decided to start watching tv again and I was enjoying a funny show when all of a sudden during commercials they were promoting a show about real life murders..That scared me and i just tried to think about something else. Then after the show was done, Another one came on about normal kids becoming murderers before they were even 18. I almost passed out it was so scary..I couldn't find the remote to turn it off or change the channel..then of course I heard " They were normal kids with normal childhoods until one day they snapped" !!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!
All my brain heard was " one day they snapped!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! What if thats me???? What if that happens to me???
Then today I was flipping through channels and of course on every single channel they were giving the news about this lady who killed her 3 yr old child and just confessed that she was overwhelmed and depressed and that she was worried her child was going to turn out like her and thats why she did it. OMG!!!!!!!!! Needless to say my anxiety spiraled out of control. I started flipping out! What if I start thinking my son is going to turn out like one of those kids and kill him too????? what if I black out??? What if I go to jail??? Then my stomach hurts. Then I look at him and feel so guilty because he trusts me so much and I have all these creepy thoughts. I feel so uncomfortable around him. I would never in a right state of mind hurt anyone. But what if I lose it and actually commit these crimes????? What if I black out??? I don't have any anger issues but what if i become violent? I just want to know why these people do this and how bad do things have to be for them to think this is the only way out? How different am I from them??? What makes me think I won't do that too?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Apr 28, 2010 11:42 am

The difference with you and those people who do horrible things is that you know you can't do those horrible things, just the thought of it terrifies you. It doesn't terrify them. And, you can't be crazy, because real crazy people don't even think about if they are crazy or not, it doesn't cross their mind....they think what they think is normal and rational...anxiety=scary thoughts. crazy people=believe their thoughts are rational.

Since these kind of TV shows seem to trigger the thoughts for you, you need to stay away from watching it. I can't watch anything like that, my mind is just too creative when I see crap like that. Even the Today show and the news can set me off. Stick to happy shows.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Apr 28, 2010 12:09 pm

rose_thorn98,

Thank you so much for taking the time out to write me some comforting words. Hae you gone through something similar? It's so scary...Today has been the first time I stayed alone with my child since I've had this again. It's been a short time only for about 2 hrs. I'm not gonna lie, I've panicked for about 1 hour and a half. probably more. Why am I so scared? Tomorrow I'm gonna have to do it again.. I'm already dreading it. I hope god can help me. I really truly want to believe that I am OK and not a monster. I just want to be happy again.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:14 pm

Hello everyone its good to see that im not the only one going through this too my anxiety started around 5 years ago i took a drug and it really scrwed me up for about 3 months constantly worried sacred i couldnt eat without thinking i was chocking i could hang out with anyone i though i was losing my mind!!! i finally got over it but just two months ago the same feelings came back, i work as a waitress and i couldnt even handle doing it anymore i would freak out and feel like i was going crazy everytime i had to take a table i felt very insecure worried and everything seems so dreamlike.... ive been feeling better but it just seems im down and still feel a little weird. just thinking about this and writing this is scary..but i know i have to get over it to get my life back!!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat May 01, 2010 1:59 am

Hi Ameragirl,

I'm currently struggling with the dreamlike feelings. It's the worst. I dont know whats worse, the scary thoughts or that feeling.
if anyone can help with dealing with this please let us know. This sucks and I just want to be happy and normal like I was 1 month ago.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 04, 2010 3:23 pm

hello I am new to this site i just started the program in feb, i have ocd bad and spend hours worrying "what if" i hurt someone or whAT IF I DID HURT someone it drives me crazy. i CANT TELL WHAT IS MY OCD AND WHAT IS A REAL THOUGHT SOMETIMES WHEN I GET WORKED UP.the problem is i am in a profession where i take care of people which makes it very difficult to do my job any advise would be much appreciated.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 04, 2010 4:26 pm

I too have suffered almost exactly from our lovely intelligent,over anaylitical minds. I too have worried about what if, losing control and scary harmful thoughts that send us into a panic. I once had a counselor tell me, " it's reassuring that you panic, it's a sign of your conscience, that we know right from wrong, and we won't actually go through with it, we just worry about the fact we thought it, and what kind of person are we to think it. The answer is normal. My hubbie is never shocked by my thoughts, he has them too, but he dismisses them as just thoughts. I highly recommend, going to the "find" button, and punching in scary thoughts' or somthing similar, and you'll find tons of comments from others like us and what they do to cope, change the negative thoughts, and move forward, worry free. =) good luck

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 05, 2010 6:14 am

Tv is a definate trigger for me. Ever seen the movie untraceable? It got to me. And heavy metal is also a major trigger for me. They can set me off into a manic anxious rage.