HOCD Problems

[Josh S.]

I have done a lot of looking up on my "disorder" I suppose you could say, and I fit every description I could find that suggests I have this.Anyways. It started months ago, after my dad died and going through court to stay where I live, it was like a switch flipped on one day and I started questioning my entire world. Everytime I would see a guy whether it be on TV or in actual contact I would question myself as to "did I just think that guy was cute?" and it soon began to engulf my entire train of thought to a point of it was all I thought of, and it scared me. It resided after I posted on a forum similar to this however after many told me I was just obsessing, but the past month it has came back with the vengines. I cannot even watch a movie without going into full panic mode. I will get a funny feeling in my chest when a see a guy or something, which is diffrent from when I see a girl, and I know I am attracted to them. The days have blurred so much though, it's hard for me to even seperate this HOCD from reality anymore, even though I am (always have been) interested in girls I still have this obsession of wondering if I just thought a guy was hot or something. It finaly drove me to the point of being suicidle a few nights ago, I just couldn't bring myself to do it though. It consumes my mind completely, its always in the back of my mind, its been over a month since I've been able to relax. I've never had any feeling about a guy untill this started now it's like its every other guy I see I will think he is cute or something and it fills me with anxiety, panic, and hatred for myself considering before my dad died I was a huge opposer of gay relations. Guys touching me gives a sence of weirdness, but if I replay it in my mind as always I began to interrogate my innerself "did I like that? Was I arroused?"...etc. It seems however I get paranoid about thinking guys are attractive when I do things like watch movies, and non interaction things. I do not mind a girls touch whatsoever (considering they are attractive...) but it's like actual reason is replaced my this HOCD and it's drove me up a wall. Being bi-sexual isn't something I fear or worry about, it's as if it is out of the question in my mind. I know Sigmud Frued has a theory that "some gay male's sub concious fights his feelings with large axniety and consider's this attitude unnacceptable" and it's made me question the HOCD concept, however HOCD is more widespread than many expect. I have noone to talk to about this issue, and it's like I walk around with my heart about to burst with hatred, anxiety, and fear towards myself. I just need to know 2 things however:
1. (Based from your prospective) Am I gay?
2. Is there a way I can cure myself, if so, what are your reccomendations?
Thanks for your time, I really need help with this, I'm afraid of becoming insane from this, it is unhealthy to obsess with something constantly, I just wish I could have a peacefull day again like I used to!
P.S.
I have had past issues with obsessions with religon guidelines, eyesight, and hearing, which seemed like this, as if being paranoid actually made my eyesight off and hearing not on dot, and consumed all of my thought, just not near as severe as this obsession, however my eyesight was actually a little off...