Stress Center Peer Support

Hi everyone, I just recently got in a new relationship and it has been going GREAT! There is just one thing that I don't like. Sometimes this happens every now and then, but a lot of times when he is crabby or "down". If I'm feeling anxious about something or when he isn't his usual happy self, I feel distant from him. I just like when he is in good spirits and happy, because then it is easy for me to be. But when he is quiet I start thinking, what did I do wrong? What is bothering him, what do i do?! I don't like it! Because it has been going on for a couple days now, and I feel a little distant. I have felt this way a bit before, but it usually goes away. Is this normal, or can anyone relate to what I'm saying? Thanks for any advice.

Hi KJ,

I have a question, why do you believe others can control how you think or feel?

You control how you think or feel. you are in control of you. If you are in joy do not allow others to steal that from you. If you keep a good and happy attitude it is impossible to have bad or negative thought or a bad attitude. The brain can't compute these 2 opposing emotions.

I talked about this over the last 2 days. In case you missed it, I only posted it moments before you posted yours. Follow this thread:

http://bbs.stresscenter.com/ev...?r=10910494#10910494

I am going to turn in happy reading. Think happy thoughts and dream happy dreams, and rise happy and stay that way all day long.

Good night.

Hey KJ -

I just got out of a three year relationship that was suppossed to lead to an engagment this summer. I unfortunately know what you mean, how you feel, and why you don't understand it! It didn't and still doesn't make sense to me! Whenever my ex was in a bad mood, feeling down, being distant or a little off toward me, I immediatly pinned myself for being the reason.

I find myself continuing to do it now with a very close male friend who has been in my life for over 3 years. He is so energetic, enthusiastic, humorous, etc - that when he is having an off today - which off course he is allowed to because hello! we are all human - I instantly think I did something to piss him off or that I said something to upset him.

For the life of me, I don't know why I instantly think I am the cause of his problems. It's not a matter of having a guilty conscious...I at least know that much. But his "off" moods tend to throw me for a loop sometimes - kind of like what you described.
But Gman is right - we cannot let anyone, friend or enemy - determine our moods. If we are happy, we should stay happy but also be supportive to our lover, friend, whoever, without allowing their bad mood to become our bad mood.

It's not a walk in the park, but I think we can do it

Hi KJ, Goober and everyone else,


As I post on this forum sometimes, I feel that my zeal and passion for loving the Lord may be scaring some folks. I think to my self, they must ask themselves, can this guy be for real? For any one that may have that as a question in their mind, simply pm me, and I will share my Deliverance and Salvation testimony and witness of how beautiful God's love is.

For many Christians, we somehow, find it hard to believe that God could love us in such a way that it is inconceivable to the rest of the world. If you haven't visited the links I have posted up, you ought to do so, and as you read the accounts, as I give them along with the supplied link. If you do, you can't help but think is this possible?

I can tell you , that on my end, these come to me as I am writing them, it is not me, it as though some force is guiding and directing me, and even speaking to me. Many times, as I am doing this, I can't help but feel so overjoyed as tears of joy well up in my eyes as I realize that it is God, not just something.

Like right now, I am hearing the song "With Hope", and the lyrics spoke to me. When I started out, I was going to direct you to The Change because of these snippet of the lyrics Please understand, I am not saying this about anyone in particular, but is a trait that most of us have, it is just a little unnerving when we come to terms with that simple truth. Here is the snippet from the lyrics to The Change:

Well I've got this way of thinking that comes so naturally
Where I believer the whole world is revolving around me
And I got this way of living that I have to die to every single day
'Cause if God's Spirit lives inside of me, yeah
I'm gonna live life differently

I'm gonna have the change
I'm gonna have the difference
I'm gonna have the grace
I'm gonna have forgiveness
I'm gonna live a life that's showing
I'm undergoing the change

You can pick up the full lyrics here:

http://www.klove.com/lyrics/lyrics.asp?489

KJ, in my previous post of last night, I hope you didn't think I was being insensitive. I was trying to get you to focus on the truth. It took me many years to understand this. I thought to myself: how can I not be free of influences to control my emotional reactions? I am an emotional creature and I react. That is how others, that know certain things about us, can feel certain they can control us. They are called passive aggressive, also known as "button pushers."

People with this disorder, think they know which buttons to push to gain control over us. However, once we realize that, we control our own emotional responses, that turns their world upside down, as they realize they no longer have power over us, as we act and reason with our own logic, and we assert ourselves to have control over our own emotions, it freaks the button pushers out.

No one should have or can control our emotional responses unless we allow it. If you have a relationship that has the slightest hint of that type of inter-play, especially in a dating situation, assert the control over you emotions, and if that rattles the person, don't walk away from that relationship, RUN.

Spare yourself the grief that will follow much further down the road. Believe me, my first wife was definitely a button pusher, and it took me many years for me to figure that out. Believe me, I loved that woman enough to stay married to her for 22 years, but when I asserted control over my own emotions, and she saw she could no longer control me, it manifested in escalated friction and chaos, that I had to get away from or something really bad was going to happen.

If you do the exercises I mentioned, you will gain in happiness, and realize you do have control over your own happiness and all of your emotions, then you will notice even greater unhappiness on the suspected button pushers demeanor.

Which would have you realize, on your own and using your own rational logical thinking, that you are in an unhealthy relationship, and you will soon thereafter realize that you would be better off not in it.

From some of what I read about you, I don't get the sense that you want someone to have that kind of control over you, but if you are the type that does want someone to control and manipulate you, then I am wrong and have at it and try to hold on to this and you will have more disappoints. I don't think you want anymore disappointments, most of us would rather live without them.

Now on the other hand, if his sadness is triggered by a genuine concern for your well being, then you got a good one. The one sure way to find out, is to gain control of your own emotional responses, either way, you will be better off for following through on this test.

I am not a doctor or medical professional, I have gained my knowledge from an accumulation of life experiences and study of the bible, similar to most people here. I have probably just lived longer, and had more experiences than most.

I want to Thank Goober for her insights and for putting a nice soft lady like touch to her gift of providing others encouragement and support. I am really proud of her. She has done much to get herself reaching up and climbing out of the hole she was in. I just remembered a saying, that goes like this: When you find yourself in a hole, what should you do? Stop digging!

I encourage all of you to listen to the music on the links provided. I can almost assure you that if you do, and keep listening over and over, you will realize how much God loves and cares about you, and you will get better. Stop digging and start grooving on the words God is speaking to you.

Stay positive and make it a great day. opps, I been at this too long, my Bunifa kitty is having a panic attack, and is reminding me to feed her. The little button pusher.

I feel it is common for us (we are really sensitive people, remember) to have a first reaction of: Did I do something? Is it me?

Sometimes we are also insecure within ourselves.

But my first statement is very accurate. There is nothing wrong with asking that person: Is it something I did or is it something else? Do you want to talk?

While it is best to not let others moods and dispostions affect us, we are human, and sometimes we are affected by their mood. It's helpful to remind yourself that you do not have to take on others emotions. You can be empathetic but you do not have to be affected by it.

Wow, thanks everyone for your replies , and so quick! It's excellent advice... I just need some practice doing it now! It's not that he is trying to change my mood or be in control, I wouldn't want that to happen. That, I know is not what a relationship should be. But I think the reason I felt that way this week is because since we have been together (only 3-4 months) he has never been down for a whole week. (Something did happen that would make any human feel down , it's just so hard to tell myself that). I'm just used to the lovey dovey attitude and once his attention has been towards something else, I start thinking what-ifs, and worrying.

I know that I shouldn't let his mood affect me... but how do I do that? It seems a lot easier said then done!! I gotta run quickly, but thank you all for replying!! He is getting back to his normal self, and I am feeling a little better, I just need to know how to act in the future! And that I'm willing to master!

Thanks again , Kelly

How we talk to ourselves is very important. Remind yourself that how you feel about you does not have to be affected by his moods. Remind yourself, too, that you are simply sensitive, perhaps a tad insecure and then just breathe into all of that. Don't resist it. Soothe yourself instead.

When he is having a hard time, you want to create space for him to figure things out. If you don't know how to do that then ask him what he needs from you right now. He'll guide you.