I have been thru the program and done well until recently. When I first had anxiety and obsessive thoughts it was about crime, like maybe I ran over someone and forgot, maybe I was writing a check that I had stolen from somebody, those people at the store look like meth dealers. The worst of all was that someone would break into my house and kidnap or kill my family. So I set up "traps" around the house so I could hear intruders, lined up our shoes so we could make a quick get away, got another dog in case our original dog was a heavy sleeper, and stayed awake as long as possible so there would only be a couple hours that both my husband and myself were asleep and off guard. Also, after everyone went to bed I scoured grout, cleaned out cabinets and cleaned in a lot of weird places in case the worst happened then the cops wouldn't think since I was a bad housekeeper I must also be a bad mom and it was my fault this happened. I would wake early and take down all the traps so as not to scare my kids. With the program I overcame this, though it was hard and scary at first, and took 9 months to be "done" with this fear.
Then my husband lost his job, so I (a homeschooler) had to get a job. It was stressful to go from being home to shift work, for everyone in my family. I worried we would have a major illness while we were w/o health insurance. But we mostly adjusted, though it was stressful. That was a year and a half ago. Now my husband has a job in another city, a big city, and we will have to sell the house we've loved for 12 years in this small town and move. I only work on the weekends now. My oldest and youngest child are excited about moving, but my middle child is heartbroken. They all miss their dad, too, who comes home on weekends. My middle child is anxious and seems like he feels guilty and sometimes seems depressed. I know that is normal with all the drastic changes that have been going on the last year and half.
The major problem is that now I think my ocd is back. I am now obsessed that my middle child was abused when he went to a ski school five years ago. At that time, he was angry he had to go and scared. We had a hard time getting him in the building. The whole time we were in line to finish registration he was throwing a fit and complaining. He was there six hours and the only activity was skiing and eating lunch. When we picked him up he hadn't eaten lunch because he said it was gross and was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't know. I asked him if anyone hurt him or was mean to him and he said no but that he hated the instructor because he had his girlfriend their and they had a weird accent so he couldn't understand what he was saying. I was kind of freaking out but my mom (a nurse) and my husband said he was just upset he had to go and didn't have a good time. I guess a small seed of that fear has been in the back of my mind all these years, so when my son started seeming more anxious when my husband go the new job I knew it had to be because of ski school. This was also around the time of the pen state thing. I really started freaking out, unable to sleep, lost weight, reeling mind. We talked to the kids about that it's never okay for someone to touch them, show them anything, say mean things to them, bully them, etc. Like a general child safety thing. They said nothing has happened like that to them. But I was afraid he was lying or afraid to tell. I have asked him about it two more times, asking why he was crying that day, and he said he just didn't want to go and he hated that instructor. My husband did internet searches for any crimes involving that resort and found nothing. But I think about it all the time and constantly "check" on his behavior to see if there are any signs.
Now my husband is fed up because he says it's all in my head and that I'm giving my son a complex. He says this is just like before so I know what to do to get over it. He was really upset when I said last night we need to put our child in therapy so he will feel it is okay to tell someone. I feel like I'm giving up on my kid if I stop obsessing, that if anything really did happen he's all alone with it, and will be maladjusted because he never received help. At the same time I know I'm scaring him, and my other two. At the library my youngest said I should check out a book called "The Good Parent" because I think I'm a bad mom. Now I feel like I've ruined everything and I should just leave before I hurt my family even more. I started taking zoloft a week and a half ago. Next week I'll be up to 50mg. I'm sure it will make me not care and then I'll miss clues that my kids need help. If I could figure out a way to kill myself so it would look like an accident I would. I wouldn't want to ruin my kids with the guilt their mom committed suicide. I can't take this anymore. I hate myself and wish I hadn't been born.
Need help, I am ruining my family!
Re: Need help, I am ruining my family!
Hi Lisa,
First of all, you are NOT a bad mother. The fact that you are so concerned about your son only shows what a wonderful, strong, caring mother you are. You are just in a really rough place right now and need to relax.
Your thought about your son is irrational, it's classic OCD. I have also been through the program and still struggle with OCD, but I am MUCH better at identifying what is irrational and what is not. You are able to do that too, you just need to get yourself out of this obsessive though cycle.
The key for you to remember is that we use our obsessive thoughts as a DISTRACTION. Instead of chasing this irrational fear about your son, try and identify what is going on in your life that you really want to fix, but don't know where to start. THIS is what is REAL, NOT this obsessive thought about your son. Don't underestimate the effects of moving and having a job on you! As anxious people we are highly creative. If you are not giving yourself good creative outlets, you are going to fall back into anxiety and obsessive thinking. I know that when I am bored or doing very mundane tasks, I get obsessive. Be watchful for these tendencies in yourself and do things to take care of YOU.
Another clue to the OCD/anxiety root of this thought is that you said it was taking place when the Penn state scare was going on. This is CLASSIC OCD/anxiety. When we are in that place of spinning in our minds, our brains are like sticky tape - get a scary thought in your head, and it sticks because we are stuck in this cycle of obsessing. It doesn't matter how irrational the connection is - it's enough to set our minds rolling in that circle again. You need to visualize yourself jumping out of the circle.
As you visualize yourself jumping out of this obsessive circle, try as hard as you can to speak positive, soothing things to yourself. "I have been through this before and come out of it." "I have the skills I need to deal with this." "I am going to take care of myself and do something to distract myself, and I will feel better."
It sounds to me like your son has anxiety, and it would be really beneficial to him to maybe read some books that deal with anxiety on a lighter level for kids. I am the oldest of five and anxiety seems to run in my family. Lucinda says she definitely believes anxiety is genetic. She talks on the tapes I have about her own daughter suffering with anxiety when she was young. Don't scare yourself! Just like you know your anxiety is a normal thing, it is normal for your son too - he just needs to learn the tools to help him overcome it, just like you have had to learn them. My mom has been able to get some really great books on anxiety and OCD for my siblings, I can get you the titles of those if you'd like!
Have you listened to the obsessive thinking lesson recently? You need to be listening to this. It is so valuable and will help to snap you out of your set back.
You are NOT going to hurt yourself. That is just another scary thought that your brain wants to use to scare you and DISTRACT YOU. Do the homework for the obsessive thinking lesson again. It will definitely help you.
I don't know if you are spiritual, but I would encourage you either way to turn some of these thoughts over to God. He is here to help you! I will be praying for you. You ARE strong. You ARE capable of overcoming this. You CAN and WILL do it. This is just a set-back.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:6-9
First of all, you are NOT a bad mother. The fact that you are so concerned about your son only shows what a wonderful, strong, caring mother you are. You are just in a really rough place right now and need to relax.
Your thought about your son is irrational, it's classic OCD. I have also been through the program and still struggle with OCD, but I am MUCH better at identifying what is irrational and what is not. You are able to do that too, you just need to get yourself out of this obsessive though cycle.
The key for you to remember is that we use our obsessive thoughts as a DISTRACTION. Instead of chasing this irrational fear about your son, try and identify what is going on in your life that you really want to fix, but don't know where to start. THIS is what is REAL, NOT this obsessive thought about your son. Don't underestimate the effects of moving and having a job on you! As anxious people we are highly creative. If you are not giving yourself good creative outlets, you are going to fall back into anxiety and obsessive thinking. I know that when I am bored or doing very mundane tasks, I get obsessive. Be watchful for these tendencies in yourself and do things to take care of YOU.
Another clue to the OCD/anxiety root of this thought is that you said it was taking place when the Penn state scare was going on. This is CLASSIC OCD/anxiety. When we are in that place of spinning in our minds, our brains are like sticky tape - get a scary thought in your head, and it sticks because we are stuck in this cycle of obsessing. It doesn't matter how irrational the connection is - it's enough to set our minds rolling in that circle again. You need to visualize yourself jumping out of the circle.
As you visualize yourself jumping out of this obsessive circle, try as hard as you can to speak positive, soothing things to yourself. "I have been through this before and come out of it." "I have the skills I need to deal with this." "I am going to take care of myself and do something to distract myself, and I will feel better."
It sounds to me like your son has anxiety, and it would be really beneficial to him to maybe read some books that deal with anxiety on a lighter level for kids. I am the oldest of five and anxiety seems to run in my family. Lucinda says she definitely believes anxiety is genetic. She talks on the tapes I have about her own daughter suffering with anxiety when she was young. Don't scare yourself! Just like you know your anxiety is a normal thing, it is normal for your son too - he just needs to learn the tools to help him overcome it, just like you have had to learn them. My mom has been able to get some really great books on anxiety and OCD for my siblings, I can get you the titles of those if you'd like!
Have you listened to the obsessive thinking lesson recently? You need to be listening to this. It is so valuable and will help to snap you out of your set back.
You are NOT going to hurt yourself. That is just another scary thought that your brain wants to use to scare you and DISTRACT YOU. Do the homework for the obsessive thinking lesson again. It will definitely help you.
I don't know if you are spiritual, but I would encourage you either way to turn some of these thoughts over to God. He is here to help you! I will be praying for you. You ARE strong. You ARE capable of overcoming this. You CAN and WILL do it. This is just a set-back.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:6-9
Re: Need help, I am ruining my family!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am having a hard time distinguishing irrational thought right now. If someone else told me the same story I could comfort them that it is irrational OCD, but I am afraid to do it for myself. Maybe the theme is I am afraid I'm letting my family down if I struggle with all the changes we're going thru in a positive way, if I make mistakes? The very thought of making mistakes with my kids gives me the feeling of being stabbed in the gut.
What you said about having a creative outlet just hit me- when I was working full time it was a fast paced enviornment where my boss gave me the freedom to make adjustments and improvements anytime I saw I could. When I went to part time, I kind of left that role and the pace at home was sooooo slow. I tried under-doing it so as not to tax my family, but I think that probably hurt my mind since I had nowhere to place that focus and drive!
I think anxiety does run in my family, too. I come from a long line of high-strung people. We are the life of the party and make people feel good, but we are really bad at making ourselves feel good. Add to that that they have all suffered from abuse, alcohol addiction, and serious marital problems. I am the first in my family to have an intact family unit, very stable, no alcohol use, etc. I am also the first to learn these skills. I feel guilty that maybe I have passed on this trait to my son, very guilty. I feel like I need to give him coping skills, too. I don't exactly know how to translate what I've learned in the program to be useful to him. Recently when he has been overwhelmed or frustrated I tell him he is a good problem solver and creative, so I'm positive he can figure out a good solutions. When he gets in trouble for whatever, I rationally explain that correction is to help him learn outcomes to decisions he makes, it doesn't have anything to do with his value as a person. It seems to help. I would love names of some good books for kids!!!
That scripture is pertinent to me, I need to keep it on an index card in my kitchen where I can read it. I have a hard time letting go and "letting God" because I'm afraid if I don't like what He does I will lose my faith. Isn't that sad? Instead of that I've been trying to focus on how happy I am because He allowed me to have redemption.
Thank you so much for your reply! It is hard to find support when others don't understand what is happening in your mind or even wonder about your "motives" with these thoughts. I have felt so alone, I am thankful for your reassurance and will pray for you and your recovery, too!
What you said about having a creative outlet just hit me- when I was working full time it was a fast paced enviornment where my boss gave me the freedom to make adjustments and improvements anytime I saw I could. When I went to part time, I kind of left that role and the pace at home was sooooo slow. I tried under-doing it so as not to tax my family, but I think that probably hurt my mind since I had nowhere to place that focus and drive!
I think anxiety does run in my family, too. I come from a long line of high-strung people. We are the life of the party and make people feel good, but we are really bad at making ourselves feel good. Add to that that they have all suffered from abuse, alcohol addiction, and serious marital problems. I am the first in my family to have an intact family unit, very stable, no alcohol use, etc. I am also the first to learn these skills. I feel guilty that maybe I have passed on this trait to my son, very guilty. I feel like I need to give him coping skills, too. I don't exactly know how to translate what I've learned in the program to be useful to him. Recently when he has been overwhelmed or frustrated I tell him he is a good problem solver and creative, so I'm positive he can figure out a good solutions. When he gets in trouble for whatever, I rationally explain that correction is to help him learn outcomes to decisions he makes, it doesn't have anything to do with his value as a person. It seems to help. I would love names of some good books for kids!!!
That scripture is pertinent to me, I need to keep it on an index card in my kitchen where I can read it. I have a hard time letting go and "letting God" because I'm afraid if I don't like what He does I will lose my faith. Isn't that sad? Instead of that I've been trying to focus on how happy I am because He allowed me to have redemption.
Thank you so much for your reply! It is hard to find support when others don't understand what is happening in your mind or even wonder about your "motives" with these thoughts. I have felt so alone, I am thankful for your reassurance and will pray for you and your recovery, too!
Re: Need help, I am ruining my family!
Hi Lisa!!
I am so thankful my words were an encouragement to you, I hope you are continuing to do better! How are things going?
One of the books about anxiety for kids is titled, "What To Do When You're Scared and Worried," and it's by James J. Crist, Ph.D. It's a simple guide to how to handle anxiety, written on a kids level. I think my mom found the books just by searching on Amazon for titles for kids. I can see the difference in my siblings from reading these books, they are more confident and better able to answer their thoughts and put them to rest. And they even give me advice!
Hope things are going well, keep up the faith, all is well! Sometimes I have to repeat that to myself, "All is well." Helps to get me out of the obsession and into the precious present moment, as Lucinda calls it.
God bless!
I am so thankful my words were an encouragement to you, I hope you are continuing to do better! How are things going?
One of the books about anxiety for kids is titled, "What To Do When You're Scared and Worried," and it's by James J. Crist, Ph.D. It's a simple guide to how to handle anxiety, written on a kids level. I think my mom found the books just by searching on Amazon for titles for kids. I can see the difference in my siblings from reading these books, they are more confident and better able to answer their thoughts and put them to rest. And they even give me advice!
Hope things are going well, keep up the faith, all is well! Sometimes I have to repeat that to myself, "All is well." Helps to get me out of the obsession and into the precious present moment, as Lucinda calls it.
God bless!