Stress Center Peer Support

Well, I am 24 years old. I have had anxiety issues for 4 years now. I never realized that I obsessed over things until looking back on it. I was a sophomore in college. Heartbroken from a relationship breakup and taking difficult courses. Looking back, I realized that at one point i obsessed over God. It was morning to night. No panic attacks. A lot of crying, watery eyes, ruminating thoughts of whether or not I believed. And I KNEW i did. but at night i would pray "God please help me to believe.. I know i do b/c im praying but i keep waking up everyday all day with obsessive thoughts."
If I wasn't obsessing over that I was obsessing over why I felt the way I did. I felt very "spacey" like they talk about in the video. I always used the word Foggy. Its the worst feeling in the world. and its BACK. I felt like someone could look at me and ask me "what colors the sky" and I'd not comprehend what they were asking me. Dumb i know. but I really felt that way. Was it possible to take an exam in college that way. No. How i made it through that I do not know. So I obsessed with thinking I wasn't smart enough for a very long time.
Now I am in a relationship that I have been in for 2 years. I've known hes the one for well, since the start. I've been excited about being engaged soon. happier than i could ever think. And then it hit me.. What if ..... I dont love him. What if... I'm not in love.... if.. its not what God wants.. What if God has something else..What if the sexual chemistry isnt strong enough.. etc etc etc. ALLLL DAYYY LONGGG.. it doesnt matter how many good techniques I'm using from the program.. the thoughts are still in the BACK of my mind. I've done it in other relationships too. But I just thought it was cause they weren't supposed to be. and maybe not. but now i'm doing it to the person i love more than anything...
I've been on antidepressants and one of them actually worked really well for me. I got put on birth control and didnt have a sex drive (which is what started the obsessing i think).. So then we changed my antidepressant.
So now I am so confused as to what this is.. is it real? are my thoughts real? am i just all of a sudden unhappy and that causing the anxiety.. or is the anxiety causing me to be unhappy. I really think its the second one. but Gosh.. day after day makes it harder and harder.
I feel like the guy on the tapes that was going to school to be a pastor. I am on tape 4. but everytime he talks I LISTEN. Because i relate to him more than any of it. Most of my is mental all dayyyyy all night.. in my dreams... CONSTANT.. not a panic attack that goes away in 15 minutes. Nothing takes it away.
ANYONE RELATE OR HAVE ANY ADVICE??? ANY COMMENTS??

Hi Anna,

It's funny that you'd post this, someone else just recently posted on here about an obsessive scary thought involving their husband. I would encourage you to read this thread: http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 18&t=26022

Our obsessive thinking/OCD picks thoughts that SCARE us. It's classic OCD. I would encourage you to turn these scary thoughts over to God. Pray when you feel scared like this. Trust Him that He is in control. I know for me, not trusting Him is a huge part of my anxiety. But He is gracious and kind and wants only what is best for us.

Do you have any good friends you can talk to?

Praying for you!

I do this too and just read the post that NeverQuit suggested. Both what you say and what this other post says are very similar and are also things I do with my boyfriend. I too have done this in other relationships as well...even as long ago as my first real relationship 17 years ago. I'm going through a bout of depression and anxiety as we speak and one of my recurring scary ruminations is about my boyfriend. I hate that I attack him in my thoughts because I love him. I attack him the same why I used to attack myself about things during depressive episodes in the past. It is for this reason that I partially know it has nothing to do with him and is a manifestation of my illness. But, it still sucks and takes great hold over me all the same. I realize from reading your post that this is a manifestation of anxiety that others have as well. I think what happens is we get haunted by the thoughts that scare us the most and then we believe they are true. NeverQuit's advice in the other post she refers to here is helpful for sure.