I just want to feel normal again....
Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 11:32 pm
I feel like I am on the verge of just totally losing it... I am so afraid, I feel like I have no control over anything, my thoughts, my feelings its to the point that I just don't want to live like this anymore. I need to give this program a chance, I know it will help. I just have to stick with it. I made it to Lesson 3 and I quit because I just became so overwhelmed with trying to control my thoughts. However, I can honestly say that in those first few weeks I did began to feel better. But' then because I couldn't completely elminate every bad thought I had I just gave in to them all. Now, I'm a wreck! I am going to start the program over again and try not to be such a perfectionist.
I have had severe anxiety and panic attacks for years. I have some how managed to survive this long with out a total break down, but I'm just so tired of feeling this way. My anxiety has become really debilitating in the past 6 months. Specifically because my best friend was diagnosed with HIV. No, she is not gay, or a drug addict, she's a beautiful educated woman, who became infected with the virus in a commited relationship. When she told me I couldnt even grasp what she was saying. When I finally was able to wrap my mind around it I freaked out! Never, in front of her. I feel like a peice of crap because I cant handle this. Here, I am studing for the GRE so I can go to grad school for Psychology and I can't even handle this! I feel like a fraud. I am afaid for her, Im angry, I am so pissed off and there is nothing I can do. I am so petrified of her not of her but of the disease. I have always had health anxiety and worried about getting sick and as you can imagine this put me over the edge. I have all of these horrible thoughts. I am surrounded by proffessional psychologists all day long I could confide in them, but I just can't Im to embarrassed and afraid of them seeing me fall apart. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to talk to a professional I know what they are going to say, I know it's anxiety and I want to talk to someone who knows how it really feels to feel the panic.. when your heart pounds so hard it rings in your ears' when your mind races so fast you think your losing your mind because you no longer can control your own thoughts...when your gasping for each breath because you feel as though you are choking..When every thing seems like a dream and you feel like you need to hold on to something real...I am questioning everything. I just want to feel joy again... I feel so alone....I guess this is despair....
I have had severe anxiety and panic attacks for years. I have some how managed to survive this long with out a total break down, but I'm just so tired of feeling this way. My anxiety has become really debilitating in the past 6 months. Specifically because my best friend was diagnosed with HIV. No, she is not gay, or a drug addict, she's a beautiful educated woman, who became infected with the virus in a commited relationship. When she told me I couldnt even grasp what she was saying. When I finally was able to wrap my mind around it I freaked out! Never, in front of her. I feel like a peice of crap because I cant handle this. Here, I am studing for the GRE so I can go to grad school for Psychology and I can't even handle this! I feel like a fraud. I am afaid for her, Im angry, I am so pissed off and there is nothing I can do. I am so petrified of her not of her but of the disease. I have always had health anxiety and worried about getting sick and as you can imagine this put me over the edge. I have all of these horrible thoughts. I am surrounded by proffessional psychologists all day long I could confide in them, but I just can't Im to embarrassed and afraid of them seeing me fall apart. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to talk to a professional I know what they are going to say, I know it's anxiety and I want to talk to someone who knows how it really feels to feel the panic.. when your heart pounds so hard it rings in your ears' when your mind races so fast you think your losing your mind because you no longer can control your own thoughts...when your gasping for each breath because you feel as though you are choking..When every thing seems like a dream and you feel like you need to hold on to something real...I am questioning everything. I just want to feel joy again... I feel so alone....I guess this is despair....