Stress Center Peer Support

hey guys,
ive been dealing with a bit of a spurt of anxiety for a few months now, afer breaking myself down through doing school full time and working fulltime (just kind of hit a bottom).
i went back to see my therapist and have been going since and went on citalopram 20mg a few months ago.
things have gotten way better but it seems like these thoughts are just sticking!
they are better than a few months ago but there are times when they just drive me crazy and upset me
the things that i worry about are just giving up, hurting my little sister, hitting bottom again.
keep in mind i LOVE my little sister it just drives me crazy i keep thinking that.
i have never acted upon these thoughts and never will, i just dont know WHY i keep thinking this stuff, even though i feel like i have come so far.
when will it be better?
advice please!

Hey Stephanie,

I think some of the answers you already know. You know how you said you noticed that you have these thoughts and that sometimes they get so overwhelming they really upset you? Well what do you do differently when you don't have these thoughts as apposed to when they seem like a wave of thoughts that you can't stop?

I have asked myself that question and I began to notice that I do not obsess all day. In fact if I wrote down the amount of hours I am awake during a day and calculated about how much time I am anxious or obsessed the results were surprising. I am awake about 16 hours. In those 16 hours on a really rough day ( And I do have those because I am human and have OCD) I may feel anxious for about 4 hours max and only obsessive for about 2 maybe 3 max. So what about those other 12 hours? I realized that since the anxiety seems to come and go through out the day often we get the impression that we are like this all day. When in fact if you did a tally it couldn't be further from the truth.

SO after that I began to just observe what I did different in those anxious 4 hours and what I did different in those other 12. Well Some of the observations were that I was occupied with something else either work or art work or a simple task like an errand. My main observation was that when I allowed the thoughts to happen instead of trying to stop them, they occurred almost just as much and often times a lot less. Not only that but when I allowed them instead of trying to stop them, I would feel less anxiety. Why is that?

What you begin to understand is that it is not the thoughts that are the issue, it is your obsessive thinking habit. It is your response to the thought.

" what if I napped and hurt someone?" is not the problem. the problem is the thoughts after that..." OMG. Why did I think that? What does that say about me? then begins the wave of anxiety.

check this article out. I think you will find a bit more clarity. Its from OCD online.

http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php

Hope this helps

EddyJ

Eddy J:

I completely understand what you are saying, i agree with the problem with the thoughts after the initial "what if".
I feel as though I have come a long way with this issue and when I do think about it, I do not spend that much time obsessing over thoughts.
I feel as though they are worse when I am laying in bed watching TV at night or something like that, sometimes worse in the morning.

It just seems like when I do think about them, I feel as though when I do think about things and start to obsess, I get so down on myself because I feel as though I know so much better, like I am letting myself down.
Does that make sense at all?

It seems as though you have come a long way through your anxiety journey and I appreciate all of the advice you give! Reassurance is a very important thing to me.

It just seems like I have come to the top of the hill and I dont know where to go next, like I have triumphed a lot yet I do not feel completely saisfied and happy.

I wanted to just describe the main thoughts that seem to drive me crazy recently and the ones that I am just STUCK on-
-thought of giving up on everything and just doing something to myself (although I have never done anything to myself EVER)
-thought of hurting my litle sister who is 8 (this drives me crazy bc she means SO much to me!)
-thought of just losing it and becoming this insane depressed crazy person

sorry if this is so much to read! i just wanted to get it all out there.

ps- i continue to go to therapy and take medication, i appreciate the link you sent

Hey Stephanie,

some answers to your questions:


"It just seems like when I do think about them, I feel as though when I do think about things and start to obsess, I get so down on myself because I feel as though I know so much better, like I am letting myself down.
Does that make sense at all?"

This makes perfect sense to me and anyone else that has ocd or anxiety. You know these thoughts are ridiculous and a far cry from who you are and what you want to do.

Beating yourself up though won't help out with ridding yourself of these thoughts.

I know when I beat myself up about having these thoughts it is out of frustration. I don't enjoy having these thoughts at all. If I had an off switch I would totally use it. But when I beat myself up it is self defeating like as if the anxiety and OCD is getting the better of me.

But you know, we are only human. You gotta expect to have your vulnerable moments. But that is when you have to be extra compassionate with yourself. This is not an impossible disorder to overcome, but it is challenging.

You ever beat yourself up after some of these thoughts thinking " What more can I do? why can't I just realize these thoughts are stupid and forget about them?"

I think that as you say you have come a very long way and understanding that it is not the thoughts but the reaction to it is a major accomplishment. You should be very proud of that in itself because it takes a while to get there.

Try and remember that the frustration you feel comes out of a desire to get better, and not as hopelessness. See your frustration instead as boredom. INstead of saying " wow! Why do I keep having these stupid thoughts" start saying " wow, I am really getting bored of these thoughts."

WOw the same thoughts you are struggling with are the same for me! Those are the big three for me also. Although I don't have a sister, and it is my family.

I know exactly what you mean about getting to the top and wondering like you still have more to go. I am not fully recovered but I am getting there daily. Hug yourself because you have already reached a point that some do not get to. You are at self-awareness. without self-awareness about this condition it is really difficult to get going.

Now you just got to work on changing that fear response into a mellow response. You will get to a point when these thoughts bore you. then you will have a moment when the thought will creep up back at you out of nowhere and your fear response will begin to start but you will stop it at the door by saying " Oh this again, good thing I remember that this thought bores me now."

That simple phrase helps me because I don't sit there entertaining the thought for much longer after that.

I don't know if you have ever noticed this but, you ever obsess about one of the thoughts, and say to yourself wow, why can't I be obsessing about the other one, that one is a little easier to handle.

great lesson in that it is not the thoughts but the obsessive thinking habit.

But I think you are well on your way. therapy is great because you have a professional opinion on the matters. It can be very comforting.

I know this turned out to be very long but I will leave you with 1 thing for each one of those thoughts you are dealing with that helped me and still do.

Thought of hurting yourself: You clearly want to get better. And ARE getting better. deep down you want to rid yourself of this other wise you wouldnt be in therapy or on meds, or on these forums. When you have these thoughts and doubts ( OCD is also called the doubting disease )
just say to yourself "despite these thoughts, I just want to get better. And I will get better"

thought of hurting your sister : from the research I have done, including that article, I learned this very important and comforting fact " Obsession will never interfere with your genuine desire. Obsession will only keep you from doing things."

You fear hurting your sister. You do not genuinely desire to hurt her. You will never hurt her. The only thing you'll end up doing is avoiding her to avoid the thoughts.

No matter how much you obsess about hurting yourself or your sister IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, because you have no true desire to do so.

Going Crazy: Both therapists I have seen, and all the books I have read say, you cannot think yourself crazy. you can only think yourself into more anxiety.

I know this was very long, but I hope it helps. You struggle with the same thoughts I do. If ever you have any questions about stuff. feel free to message me.

Take care,

Eddy J