Darkness

brandonmississippi · Post by **brandonmississippi** » Sun May 30, 2010 12:26 pm

Ok, here I go again. The obsessive violent thoughts are like a roller coaster. Up and down. Sometimes i feel like i'm free of them. Other times I feel like they are just a part of me. It's very confusing and frustrating. When i'm petting my dogs while, I imagine just grabbing hold of their noses and suffocating them. I try to imagine how I would feel if I were to act on the violent thought. Then I just can't picture it. Why do I wanna know what this would feel like? I also invision someone close to me being in a car wreck or something. Then I sit and just try to play the scenerio out in my head. I don't know why I am doing this. It's like my mind is stuck on trauma and horror. I never had this problem until about 7 months ago. I've been completely sober for 2 yrs. now, and I didn't dream that i'd be going through this right now. I am not giving up. I just figure some of you can relate. Thanks in advance

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun May 30, 2010 7:22 pm

I have had some scary thought too. Not quite as violent as yours but I have heard of other people with this disorder having crazy thought too. Do you try to say stop to yourself when they start. when i start thinking crazy stuff I do the stop sign in my mind. then my mind moves on to something else and I forget all about it. Its part of the disorder. But you have to practice a different habit to combat it. If you start having scary thought do the stop sign in your mind or think of some great place you would like to go, etc. Let me know how it goes.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon May 31, 2010 5:07 am

Actually, i've been learning to not put up the stop sign. The more I try not to think about something, the harder it is. It's like me telling you do not think about a GIANT PINK BIRD. It seems to help, but I do get confused. It's like if I allow myself to think like this, it seems that i'm saying that the thoughts are ok. They are not ok, and I don't like thinking them, but this is part of the psychologist's approach. To just let your mind flow wherever it goes. All i can say is that my mind will go places. I guess when it goes to dark places, and I automatically panic, that's what makes it bad. The anxiety and guilt. So what they are telling me is to not try to stop thinking them. Just let my mind go where it wants to go. "Messed up sounding I know"

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon May 31, 2010 7:14 am

According to Pastor Creflo Dollar the way to combat any type of wicked thought is to speak out loud try counting to ten out loud the next time a scary thought happens. I have found just merely trying to think about something else only works for a little while and the wicked thought comes back again. I find actually speaking aloud about something else jars our mind its the same when you are singing a song to yourself and someone asks you a question you have to actually stop your inner singing and answer their question. Let me know if this helps. Le Ann

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon May 31, 2010 3:38 pm

Well, I think I have come up with something. I have been shocked throughout life, learning that the world can be a horrible place. I think about dogs and cows. We eat cows. My dad chopped the head off of a snake yesterday. I imagined being that snake. And i used to blow up ant mounds with firworks. I'm sure ants have feelings too. They stay together just like bees and birds. My point is that there are many different forms of life. Most of them are dominated by us humans. I guess I have just developed an obsessive pattern of thinkin this way. I think the things that scare us take form in a traumatic obsession. Like seeing my dad a minuted ago, layed out in the recliner with the puppy, and dim lamp shining on them. The casket came into my head. I think i'm just overwhelmed that people die. I think it has trouble me so much that I have been driving myself crazy. I think i'm just amazed by the cruelty in the world. Therefore, I think this is how the thoughts came about. That, and a lot of mental abuse and anger. Don't know if any of that made any sense, but it all just hit me, and I figured I would share it. Hope it helps somebody.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon May 31, 2010 4:25 pm

Hi Brandon,
I've been dealing with some of my own issues which are very disturbing and was looking at your last thread and you mentioned anger; are you angry with someone in particular? I don't want to pry but, am trying to find answers to why some of these thoughts bother us so intensely.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon May 31, 2010 5:58 pm

brandonmississippi,
I think the important thing here is that you said you wouldnt act on the violent thoughts you have. i sometimes think about my husband dying and I think its because I worry about his health. hes 10 years older than me, smokes, eats poorly, etc. i think I think about it because maybe Im trying to prepare myself if it were to happen. Not because I wish it to happen or anything like that. I am interested to know why the psychologist says to just let your thinking go wherever it wants to. ?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 01, 2010 7:12 am

Exactly michelle. That's what confuses me. It seems like if I let my thinking go where it wants to, then that is the wrong direction for me to turn. It makes some sense, though. It confuses me a little worse, but i'm still trying to grip the concept. And bloodbrotherdan, there has been this one person in my life that I used to love more than I have ever loved anything. The person lied to me consistantly, used me, stole from me, said dirty things to my mom. But I still loved this person. We were both on drugs pretty bad. But I finally had enough and said to not text me anymore. That felt GOOD. I felt empowered or something. But still miss the person sometimes. It's been 2 yrs now. Sometimes when I see the person I just get so angry that I could just step out and give them a piece of my mind. Without this person ever being in my life, I don't know how I would be right now. Probably better off, but I am glad this person has little control over me now. It's just my obsessive thinking that bothers me today. I still have resentments over the most stupid stuff you could imagine all the way back to elementry school. But I am working on them. I've been sober for 2 yrs, and life is hard. But I am making it. Life is better than it used to be.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 01, 2010 7:30 pm

Brandon and Michelle -

I might be able to shed some light on the issue of your psychologist suggesting you just let your thoughts go wherever they might lead. I went through a period where I was terrified that I would hurt or kill a loved one. When I finally told my psychologist, he gave me nearly the same advice.

The way he explained it is that I was obsessing about these thoughts because they scared me. And as long as I was afraid of them, I would continue to think about them constantly. So the idea was give myself permission to think freely about them in a non-judgmental way. We all know that we aren't really going to follow through on with these obsessive, scary thoughts. By allowing yourself to think about them they start to lose their ability to frighten you. And here's the clincher: once you lose the fear, the thoughts go away on their own. It's the fear of them that keeps them fresh in your mind. Make sense?

Jamie

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jun 02, 2010 6:36 am

Thanks Jamie, that does make sense. I guess I was just taking it the wrong way. I figured if I allow myself to think about them, then I would start to enjoy them or something. It tends to be only when I fear these things is when the thoughts bother me. What I can't understand, though, is why I allow myself to think about loved one's dying. I visualize what life would be like without them. And I can't! It's like sometimes I expect a phone call to hear that my whole family was killed in a car wreck. And I try to imagine it, and I guess i'm just wearing my body and mind out.