Stress Center Peer Support

I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Around the age of 10 when i had this weird habit of my inability to step on cracks on the floor. Whether I was at school or outside in my back yard, I had this intense fear that if I would step on a crack something bad was going to happen. Shortly after that obsession a new one quickly surfaced. I had this thing that everything that I touched whether it would be shaking a persons hand, receiving a kiss on the cheek had to occur twice. In other words, if someone kissed my left cheek i would ask them to kiss my right cheek. I had this thing with balance. I even remember my mom making a mockery of it when i ran into a table and hit my right knee. In which I literally had to go back and hit my left cheek to feel content and safe. Which then escalated to everything around me had to be even. For instance if I was watching tv the volume had to be an even number, not an odd one. Finally, in sixth grade I started to become obsessed with this whole different thing. For some weird reason I imagined rubber bands on the ground, and had to always be cautious of tripping or getting my leg caught in this unrealistic game I was playing with myself.

Now at the age of 22 , my ocd has changed it's identity. Before I was becoming obsessed with unrealistic ideas such as even numbers or rubber bands on the ground. Rather now, my ocd has been taken over my life at certain points with obsessive thoughts. One minute I could feel totally in control yet as soon something changes, whether it be in a friendship, school etc... I begin to believe that my world has just crashed down on my chest restricting me to get up. I suddenly feel highjacked with these two words, "what if" . Thats all it takes.

The more frustrating part of this is knowing exactly what I am doing to myself, with such "what if" statements, yet unable to fix it. It bothers the hell out of me that I in fact can control and change these thoughts but when i am experiencing it, i feel hopeless.

I sort of know how you feel. I have always had the balance obsessions and the certain volume number obsessions. I, too, often come up with this what if stuff. What if I hurt someone. What if it's not ocd, what if it's just me? It's very nerve-racking. Makes me want to vomit. Lately, the only effective way I have found to deal with it is to go to sleep, and you and I both know that's not helping anything. Hang in there. Go to some therapy. That's what i'm doing. I just tend not to want to think about this stuff when it's not bothering me. But then when it comes back it's like BAM, right in the face, and I need help again. Good luck.