Thoughts about hurting myself and others...
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Pinkterror84
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 9:48 pm
I just need to vent. I see so many of you suffering on here and I am so sorry, because I know how it feels. Lately for the past couple days these scary thoughts have come back. I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who understands its OCD, so I can talk to him about it. But I still get scared. I cant even watch anything with violence in it, like movies or games, or I start to feel like I am some sort of monster and these will trigger my evil side or something. It sounds completely crazy saying it out loud. I have mental pictures of me killing someone I love, or my pets, or myself. I am so sad when I see these, and scared. And when I see stories on the news (which nowadays is not so good for someone like me) in which some "normal" person kills someone, it makes me think anyone could be a killer. I know Im not, otherwise I wouldnt have the feelings I do towards these thoughts. I just needed to vent...please, if anyone has encouragement...I would really like some. Thanks so much, and you are all in my heart....we can get through this.
hey pink,
You are definitely not alone. I struggle with those thoughts too. The anxiety and fear from the thoughts is a great sign you will never act on them. But it is the same reaction that causes the obsession in the first place. I am seeing an OCD specialist and am working through these thoughts. If I may recommend the book The Imp of the Mind- by Lee Baer. Excellent source of information for these thoughts and extremely comforting. But you are fine and it is not easy but just remember it is just anxiety and it goes away. Remind yourself they are just thoughts with no meaning behind it and then get busy doing something else.
This is a link to a great video by a Dr. Phillipson. He is talking about these kinds of thoughts we have. I hope it gives you comfort like it has so many of us here.
http://www.vimeo.com/1120239
Take care of yourself and remember it is only anxiety
Eddy J
You are definitely not alone. I struggle with those thoughts too. The anxiety and fear from the thoughts is a great sign you will never act on them. But it is the same reaction that causes the obsession in the first place. I am seeing an OCD specialist and am working through these thoughts. If I may recommend the book The Imp of the Mind- by Lee Baer. Excellent source of information for these thoughts and extremely comforting. But you are fine and it is not easy but just remember it is just anxiety and it goes away. Remind yourself they are just thoughts with no meaning behind it and then get busy doing something else.
This is a link to a great video by a Dr. Phillipson. He is talking about these kinds of thoughts we have. I hope it gives you comfort like it has so many of us here.
http://www.vimeo.com/1120239
Take care of yourself and remember it is only anxiety
Eddy J
" I feared I was going to lose control. I feel better now. Not because I regained control. But because I realized I never lost it in the first place."
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Pinkterror84
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 9:48 pm
Eddy--
Thank you, for being there, for taking your time, even if it was just a minute, to respond to me. That means so much to me. I am tearing up a little
I am going to Barnes and Noble to look for that IMP book tomorrow. Thank you, so much.
And also, your quote: " I feared I was going to lose control. I feel better now. Not because I regained control. But because I realized I never lost it in the first place."
...simply amazing.
Thank you, for being there, for taking your time, even if it was just a minute, to respond to me. That means so much to me. I am tearing up a little
I am going to Barnes and Noble to look for that IMP book tomorrow. Thank you, so much.And also, your quote: " I feared I was going to lose control. I feel better now. Not because I regained control. But because I realized I never lost it in the first place."
...simply amazing.
Pink,
Any time. Others have been there for me too and I am simply continuing the love and support on here. I can really relate to your experience. So I will tell you that it does get a lot easier to handle this. But it requires determination and patience. You clearly want to get better and that is a huge step. You can do this. Great decision on the book. That book cut my anxiety in half. Truly powerful book.
Lucinda says in the program to create your own mantras that will help guide you and so I came up with that quote and it really helped me a lot. I am glad you liked it, i teared up
take care and keep us posted. I am always on these forums if ever you need help
EddyJ
Any time. Others have been there for me too and I am simply continuing the love and support on here. I can really relate to your experience. So I will tell you that it does get a lot easier to handle this. But it requires determination and patience. You clearly want to get better and that is a huge step. You can do this. Great decision on the book. That book cut my anxiety in half. Truly powerful book.
Lucinda says in the program to create your own mantras that will help guide you and so I came up with that quote and it really helped me a lot. I am glad you liked it, i teared up
take care and keep us posted. I am always on these forums if ever you need help
EddyJ
" I feared I was going to lose control. I feel better now. Not because I regained control. But because I realized I never lost it in the first place."
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victoriaed
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2010 11:28 pm
Pink, I feel the SAME WAY! Anything sharp I try not to look at because I am scared of what I might do with it. I've had scary thought about it. I can't watch the news neither because I am scared I might do whatever they did, I can't watch scary movies or video games just like you. It is crazy because I would never tell anyone this because they would think I was going to do these actions, but when I read your story and mine is identical, I felt relieved. I am currently on the first day of session four, well at the begining of session 3 one of my friends committed suicide. Man, that really got my thoughts going. I kept thinking, what if I do that, I always have thoughts about sharp objects. But I was on the chat and someone told me to just jump to session 9 along with my current session, just to get me past that horrible time. So I did for a couple of days and it helped me out alot. But Mr. Eddy has better advice and I even think I am going to go get that book! Thanks for listening and for the comfort!
Hey Victoria,
I also had an classmate from high school that committed suicide. Whenever I got obsessive I would scare myself thinking if my thoughts were anything like her's. But I came to realize that I would never know what goes through the minds of those that have done it or are considering, because I would never consider something like that no matter what. All I have is OCD/anxiety disorder. Thank god. I think that book would help you as well! great book.
take care and catch you on the forums
EddyJ
I also had an classmate from high school that committed suicide. Whenever I got obsessive I would scare myself thinking if my thoughts were anything like her's. But I came to realize that I would never know what goes through the minds of those that have done it or are considering, because I would never consider something like that no matter what. All I have is OCD/anxiety disorder. Thank god. I think that book would help you as well! great book
. take care and catch you on the forums
EddyJ
" I feared I was going to lose control. I feel better now. Not because I regained control. But because I realized I never lost it in the first place."
Pinkterror84,
I know exactly how you feel. I haven't been able to watch anything with violence in years. I can't watch the news, violent video games or even listen to violent music because it is a trigger to my scary thoughts. I am sorry that you are going throught this, but in a way for me its a relief to know that somebody else out there is going through the same and I am not all alone.
My first scary thought that I ever had was killing my cat and I have obsessed on that thought for years. I have never had the desire to kill anyone, but my thoughts make me feel like I am a killer and they make me question myself, if I am capable of something that horriable.
I know exactly how you feel. I haven't been able to watch anything with violence in years. I can't watch the news, violent video games or even listen to violent music because it is a trigger to my scary thoughts. I am sorry that you are going throught this, but in a way for me its a relief to know that somebody else out there is going through the same and I am not all alone.
My first scary thought that I ever had was killing my cat and I have obsessed on that thought for years. I have never had the desire to kill anyone, but my thoughts make me feel like I am a killer and they make me question myself, if I am capable of something that horriable.
i think what i hate most about it is that sometimes i feel so emotionless. like i dont care about anything else...numb. and its hard because i test myself by letting these obsessive thoughts go in hopes that ill feel a strong passionate feeling of love and "i would never do that" and it scares me that strong overwhelming passion/love hardly comes to me lately. i just feel bored numb lonely and depressed. what i do feel is when i think of these thoughts i feel scared and worried of them and i eventually get sick to my stomach. but i what i want is when i think of these thoughts my reaction is KNOWING id never cause harm and FEELING lots of fuzzy love for the object of my worries. like feeling lots of love for my cat when an image bombards me.
i feel mentally hyperaware all the time but exhausted. i feel bored and like i need someone around all the time. i feel annoyed and irritated all the time. my sense of humor is dulled. all of this makes me worry that somehow my brain is changing and im becoming a cruel humourless person.
i dont sleep well. i wake up often in the night sometimes with panic attacks for no reason. yet all day i wait for bedtime because its the best time as i can be cozy and i have someone sleeping beside me.
if there wasnt that slight glimmer of hope. i know i would consider suicide. just to end the possibilty that i could ever harm anything. also because i would never want to live like this. if knew for a fact id never get better and life would always be this way id want to die. sometimes at my low points...i already do. i have no appetite, i hardly drink anything all day. i imagine fading away becoming so weak and malnourished that im no longer an issue.
i feel mentally hyperaware all the time but exhausted. i feel bored and like i need someone around all the time. i feel annoyed and irritated all the time. my sense of humor is dulled. all of this makes me worry that somehow my brain is changing and im becoming a cruel humourless person.
i dont sleep well. i wake up often in the night sometimes with panic attacks for no reason. yet all day i wait for bedtime because its the best time as i can be cozy and i have someone sleeping beside me.
if there wasnt that slight glimmer of hope. i know i would consider suicide. just to end the possibilty that i could ever harm anything. also because i would never want to live like this. if knew for a fact id never get better and life would always be this way id want to die. sometimes at my low points...i already do. i have no appetite, i hardly drink anything all day. i imagine fading away becoming so weak and malnourished that im no longer an issue.
"If you see the wonder of a fairytale, you can face the future even if you fail."
Kami - I totally understand how you feel. Lately I've felt numb and emotionless too. I'm not because I cry all the time haha but I do feel that way. I also used to "test or check" with myself by asking myself if I want to do these things and I would get very upset, but I don't feel as upset anymore. I just want to KNOW that I would never do these things either. I think I could deal with the thoughts if I knew that I would never act on them, but that's where the anxiety and OCD gets you...we want certainty but there is no certainty in life. We won't ever know that we won't do these things, but that isn't easy to feel OK with.
I feel so hopeless and like this is never going to get better sometimes. Then I worry that I'm suicidal and panic. I think the fact that we are worried about these thoughts shows we don;t want them and won;t act on them. I think that our brains just get tired of thinking the same thing over and over that we don't have the same passionate response we did when they first started happening.
I avoid things where I could hurt myself and others, tell everyone I know how I am feeling and the thoughts that I have, I have seen my doctor and my therapist. I think that if these thoughts scare you or the fact that they don't "seem" to scare you as much show that you don't want them. Also, if you are like me, I've told so many people and am doing everything I can to prevent me from hurting myself and others, which again, shows I don't really want to do these things.
I don't understand why it works the way that it does, but it is a pesky disorder If you have any advice or insight, I would love to hear it! If you can't share your thoughts and feelings with anyone, I would hightly suggest finding someone, it reall helps to get it all out there.
My prayers are with you!
I feel so hopeless and like this is never going to get better sometimes. Then I worry that I'm suicidal and panic. I think the fact that we are worried about these thoughts shows we don;t want them and won;t act on them. I think that our brains just get tired of thinking the same thing over and over that we don't have the same passionate response we did when they first started happening.
I avoid things where I could hurt myself and others, tell everyone I know how I am feeling and the thoughts that I have, I have seen my doctor and my therapist. I think that if these thoughts scare you or the fact that they don't "seem" to scare you as much show that you don't want them. Also, if you are like me, I've told so many people and am doing everything I can to prevent me from hurting myself and others, which again, shows I don't really want to do these things.
I don't understand why it works the way that it does, but it is a pesky disorder
If you have any advice or insight, I would love to hear it! If you can't share your thoughts and feelings with anyone, I would hightly suggest finding someone, it reall helps to get it all out there. My prayers are with you!