Relationship OCD? I'm going to lose my marriage over this...

[sadinny76]

Ok, I'm not sure what to do. Over the past year or so, I have had to contend with an impending bankruptcy, which is still not complete, and financial hardship due to my husband and I starting a business. The choices we made were together, however, I have been blaming him for our predicament for some time now, full of resentment and anger. These feelings have caused me to say things to others that were inappropriate and hurtful to my husband. Now he we are a year later, the business is starting to do better, and he hires this secretary who is 19 and very pretty. She's also a friend of the family. Long story short, for the last 3 months I have obsessed about her, about text messages that were work related, over time spent with her, etc. My husband is 31. There is nothing this woman can offer him, yet I keep obsessing. For 3 months, questions, some accusations, every single day. Now I have something to worry about. I also feel I drove him to this with lack of trust on my part. The problem is, I don't know which part is my OCD, and which part is just my gut instinct. He has never given me a reason to believe he would be unfaithful, in mind or body. He's always been a very good husband, except when he was spending so much time with this business...now he's more distant, more aloof. I'm really worried that he has given up on our marriage, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to learn to "trust" him again, and support him, which is what he desperately needs. I'm stressed out with anxiety every single day he has to work with this girl and I don't know what to do. He says firing her is out of the question as he or she has done nothing wrong. But I know for a fact she has feelings for him, and she's very manipulative. My question is, how can I control my OCD over this woman, how can I learn to trust and overcome these major insecurities, because if I don't, I can kiss this marriage goodbye....

[BenJam]

Hi there. I have been where you are. It took me nearly 1 year to stop and get over it. I too didn't know if it was my intuition or my obsessing. I finally had to make it about me and not about him. I was such a jealous person, I would obsess about pretty girls on TV before I finally got over it. I would sneak down stairs just to see what he was watching on TV... It was TOO much! I finally started to befriend those that I was most afraid wanted my husband. I would be super nice and just befriend them. You know when you are that close if there is something to it. I also started to pick shows on TV that had the prettiest girls so I could just "get over it". I guess now that I sit back, I can see that I am always obsessing about something. I hope one day I can put my energy into creating love, peace, joy and happiness and not panic and anxiety. Good luck. I may not have shared many details, but please ask because like I said it was more than a year that I went through this same thing. Text messages, phone records, the secretary, etc. Now looking back, it was my OCD no doubt. My husband was so patient then, but I do remember him getting frustrated with me. He realized what I was doing though (obsessing) and would just try to avoid saying certain things that would trigger me, but then that would just make me question him more. So in the end, honesty, lots of talking, understanding and just plain old patience. I finally worked on me enough and "let it go". The freedom is, if he is going to cheat, so be it. There is nothing I can do about it really, but I am not going to live "fearing" it... Just trust the process of life and try to be as happy as I can each and every day. Once you are in a place of peace, the intuition comes naturally.. there is not fear with it.

[sadinny76]

Thank you for the kind words. My husband is normally a pretty patient man...well sorta. Patient in terms of long term planning, yelling kids, not so much. We started a business, and pretty much he's built it from the ground up and it's a LOT of stress on him. My needs right now don't seem to be in the forefront. He keeps telling me, if I decide I'm going to do it, I'll do it...but I'll tell you I did it. And he has told me things in the past that were very hurtful, but I'd rather him be honest vs. not. He's never cheated on me per say, so I have no reason to believe he'd start now. Just the communication and seeing her every day drives me nuts. I think, you just dropped her off, why send her a text too? Most of the texts used to be to me...although he's not an avid texter or anything..but now many of them are to her and that bugs me. Just typing it I get clammy hands. Most of the time it's business related, but still...he is an honest person, and most of the time he does things outside the box...basically he said he'll handle the secretary situation, but I have to trust in him and he'll do it his way. He says I'm just asking for trust and support, trust in me and my decisions, do not interfere with the secretary, leave work at work and home and home...but it's SOO hard when I feel she's getting more attention than I am...but she's only 19, he's 31. I obsess about what if he wants her more than me? He has a good time with her, and he did express certain feelings..which he later identified as superficial because things were rocky w/us..but long term, do I see them together? No. He likes his chair and going to bed at 900, whereas she's young and likes to "hang out", etc. So I know that even if they got together, it wouldn't last. But this is where my mind goes..because they are both libras and they think alike...but my husband tells me..do you really think I want to spend my life with someone like ME? I see her at work, do you think I want to see her at home? He says yes they bond, but he bonds with all his employees. This is the first secretary that has "stuck" and she's quite attractive. So my insecurities have been kicked into overdrive....any advice you could offer would be great...

[BenJam]

Okay, 2 parts.
#1 - Honestly, I had to begin investing in myself. I figured if he was going to cheat, he was going to do it and I couldn't do anything about it. Build yourself up and take care of your family. Go get your hair done, exercise, take on a hobby, sign up for a class. Invest in YOU! Trust me, he will take notice. Focus on positive thoughts and not self defeating ones. You can't stop your husband from doing what he is going to do, and by obsessing about it, it only brings you and him negativity.

#2 - Having said that, you can't ignore intuition, but you must come from a place of peace to recognize it in my experience. I don't trust anything I am feeling when I'm not grounded. The way I go about grounding myself is to set my intention on doing just that.. grounding myself. I will grab my essential oils, a comfortable quiet place, light a candle and just sit. You need to quiet your mind with the intention that "if there is anything you need to know, it will be revealed to you". Just relax. Do this each and every day and resist the urge to say anything to your husband about his secretary. Write it in your journal instead. This is something you must deal with on your own but, with rules!! If you see clear signs that something is going on, investigate that on your own. Now I don't understand exactly why they are texting each other or what all he has said to you about his feelings, but my guess is that if he is sharing with you his feelings about her, that is a good sign. Honestly, there isn't anything good that can come from you obsessing about it - bottom line. You have to face your fears and let it go. Just like every other thing you have gotten over obsessing about. Treat it the same way.

I hope this helps. Trust me I know where you are at and it too does pass. For me, after I began investing in me and knowing I am worth more than the constant battle in my mind about "what if". I just got so sick and tired of the constant wondering.. It got to the point where "I just didn't care". It would be what it would be. Now, with my newest obsession it hasn't been this easy as you know... I'm still working on it!! If you need to talk, just let me know. Seems to me that we have a lot in common -

[sadinny76]

Hello BenJam, yes, I would like that. When I'm obsessing, I just cannot think straight. Then when I start to feel calm...I think...all I have to do is log on to see phone records....then I can see how many texts, etc...but all this does it upset me. The times I did do that, I did get upset, talked to both of them about it, and it was work related.So I made a big issue over nothing. His behavior changed...he rarely ever texted, now he does, and it's mostly to her. She is 19 and she usually texts him first...I don't know...the more I bring it up though, the more he shuts down. He doesn't understand why I'm so darn insecure about her. In fact, he told me about the feelings, was pretty emotional about it...then after he got some sleep and I stopped bombarding him with stress..he said he had a chance to think about it..and the feelings are superficial. I asked him if he was sure...and he said yes. Now he decided to draw a line..work is work, home is home. He basically told her if she cares about her job, she'll cut ties w/me, his homelife. Now I feel even more left out of the loop. I checked his phone...I may have mentioned that..on Tues night. Wed morning he blew up at me because I asked him about a text...and it wasn't even bad...he said "Now we're even" and she responded "whatever." But he was with her for a class for the last 6 hours, I figured what the hell does he have to text her for? He just dropped her off!!! But then again, I do not know what it was about and he was really angry because he figures I have no trust...after 9 years together I have no trust....and I have always trusted him before...which is why I just don't get this....if she was ugly, I would think nothing of it..or if they didn't get along quite so well. See, here I go obsessing again....I don't know how to make it stop...and since it's so easy to find stuff to feed it...I've been holding back checking phone records...which has been REALLY hard. I also resisted checking his phone. I know I can't push him..because he has that type of personality where you push and he'll shut right down....the more trusting you are and open, the more he opens up to you...and we have always been open and honest...I just feel that he's still not letting me in and it's so frustrating...I wonder if he still loves me even though he SAYS it all the time...I just don't "feel" it...and is that intuition or is that my anxiety putting up that block and thinking that he's going to leave...I keep thinking he's going to cheat or he's going to leave...why would he want to stay with someone who doesn't trust, is always insecure, won't be happy till this woman is gone, etc....I would like to talk...this is driving me crazy..I've lost 15 lbs over the last couple of months from this...

[BenJam]

I am sorry I haven't responded. I feel for you! You are going through so much and I know it's not easy but you have to let it go. Just like the other thoughts, you have to accept the thoughts and decide that you are not going to check his phone, emails, ask him 100 questions... you are going to just be done with it. Let him know this too. Tell him, you are done and over it. Let him know you are going to trust him. Then just move through it. This is the only way through it... in my opinion. This is exactly how I did it. Then I moved onto something new. I kept busy and I do believe I started some classes if I remember correctly. I remember I lost weight too and I didn't need to so it was bad for me as well... email me if you need to on here.

[deedee00]

you mean your husband can't find another secretary other than a 19 year old very attractive girl?

I'm sorry, but I would have a problem with it too. I don't think it's only your anxiety.

In this economy, when everybody is trying to find a job, he can hire someone else so that his wife won't feel insecure.

[diva]

Hi

Have you ever been jealous like this before with anyone your husband interacts with?

If not, then I kind of agree with DeeDee and say why can't he just find another secretary who doesn't make his wife feel insecure.

Also, does he tell you that you are the only woman for him and that he can't imagine his life without you? He really should be calming your mind to some extent. The rest you can work on.

[diva]

Hi

I don't feel that I am an insecure person but I will admit that if my husband was texting often with his young beautiful secretary you better believe that I'd have a problem with it. If its work related then why not a phone call to her. If you listen to a phone call you get a better idea of how they interact. You can't get that with a text. I agree on working on yourself but i don't think you should feel that it is all you completely. I am not suggesting in any way that he is cheating but a good husband should make his wife feel supported. The fact that he even told you he felt something for this girl just makes matters worse. Please don't take all the blame in this, his actions haven't helped you.