Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:52 am
Hi all my name is Amber and I have OCD. In August of 09 I had a really bad panic attack one morning after my boyfriend had left to work. I hated the thought of being alone and I started to text him constantly to come home because he was my "safe" person. He couldn't come home and I had to rough it out.
During my panic attack I truely felt like I was losing my mind. I started to pace the floor and I was telling myself over and over again that I was ok I wasn't going to lose control or go insane. My body felt cold and my legs were jumping up and down, I was so scared.
I had to leave to get out, but I couldn't drive so I called my grandpa and he came to pick me up. I took a xanex to calm me down, but I was still terrified. I felt really tired and when I got home I slept like all day. Then when I woke up I still felt really tired.
Well after that panic attack I was in a state of mind that I did not like (spacy,dizzy,disconnected,half awake) and I just couldn't get rid of it and now 6 months later I still cant get rid of it.
Then all of my Obsessive thoughts started happening. My first thought was I was going to kill my cat and then other thoughts started to happen. I couldn't be around knifes, I couldn't be by myself, and I couldn't go out into public without feeling like people where looking at me.
Then on christmas day I was on this site trying to get support and I saw this one topic about schzoprhenia and I thought that I had it. It put me into a panic and my OCD thoughts just got so bad from there where I was taking 2 xanex a day just to cope. I was paralyed by fear and then other very unusual thoughts started to happen.
One night I woke up from a very bad nightmare where I was stabbing my best friends baby with a knife. I woke up so upset that I told my boyfriend that I might as well take a gun to my head and put myself out of my misery.I was crying and I immediatly took a xanex to put me to sleep.
I have been ignoring my best friend and now whenever I look or think about a baby I think about killing it.
I dont know what to do. All I do is lay up in this bed thinking about my thoughts and how bad I feel. I started taking medication and now I feel like a zombie. It feels like I have lost all interest in life and I used to be a beautful girl but now I have messy hair and pimples all over my face.
I feel worthless and I wonder why my boyfriend is even still with me. I can't work like this, I dropped out of school, and I cant even take care of the house. I used to stress out about the house and how everything had to perfectly clean, but now I dont even care. My boyfriend told me last night that my depression hurts everybody and he feels like I dont care about anything anymore and I feel like I dont care about anything anymore.
I went into a mental hopspital for 5 days because when I went to my doctor I told her that I was having thoughts of killing myself and others.The dotores at the hospital said that I had OCD. All they did was put me on meds and I sat in a room with other people. I was so bored and I felt like I wasn't getting any better. I had nobody to talk to and when I was sitting in the room all I could do was think. My thoughts didn't get any better. They had me on ait-phycotics and an anti-depressant and this anti-epressant made my thoughts 10x worse and I couldn't function at all. I felt tired and dizzy to the point where I could barely keep my eyes open. I quite taking them as soon a possible.
During my panic attack I truely felt like I was losing my mind. I started to pace the floor and I was telling myself over and over again that I was ok I wasn't going to lose control or go insane. My body felt cold and my legs were jumping up and down, I was so scared.
I had to leave to get out, but I couldn't drive so I called my grandpa and he came to pick me up. I took a xanex to calm me down, but I was still terrified. I felt really tired and when I got home I slept like all day. Then when I woke up I still felt really tired.
Well after that panic attack I was in a state of mind that I did not like (spacy,dizzy,disconnected,half awake) and I just couldn't get rid of it and now 6 months later I still cant get rid of it.
Then all of my Obsessive thoughts started happening. My first thought was I was going to kill my cat and then other thoughts started to happen. I couldn't be around knifes, I couldn't be by myself, and I couldn't go out into public without feeling like people where looking at me.
Then on christmas day I was on this site trying to get support and I saw this one topic about schzoprhenia and I thought that I had it. It put me into a panic and my OCD thoughts just got so bad from there where I was taking 2 xanex a day just to cope. I was paralyed by fear and then other very unusual thoughts started to happen.
One night I woke up from a very bad nightmare where I was stabbing my best friends baby with a knife. I woke up so upset that I told my boyfriend that I might as well take a gun to my head and put myself out of my misery.I was crying and I immediatly took a xanex to put me to sleep.
I have been ignoring my best friend and now whenever I look or think about a baby I think about killing it.
I dont know what to do. All I do is lay up in this bed thinking about my thoughts and how bad I feel. I started taking medication and now I feel like a zombie. It feels like I have lost all interest in life and I used to be a beautful girl but now I have messy hair and pimples all over my face.
I feel worthless and I wonder why my boyfriend is even still with me. I can't work like this, I dropped out of school, and I cant even take care of the house. I used to stress out about the house and how everything had to perfectly clean, but now I dont even care. My boyfriend told me last night that my depression hurts everybody and he feels like I dont care about anything anymore and I feel like I dont care about anything anymore.
I went into a mental hopspital for 5 days because when I went to my doctor I told her that I was having thoughts of killing myself and others.The dotores at the hospital said that I had OCD. All they did was put me on meds and I sat in a room with other people. I was so bored and I felt like I wasn't getting any better. I had nobody to talk to and when I was sitting in the room all I could do was think. My thoughts didn't get any better. They had me on ait-phycotics and an anti-depressant and this anti-epressant made my thoughts 10x worse and I couldn't function at all. I felt tired and dizzy to the point where I could barely keep my eyes open. I quite taking them as soon a possible.