Hi all my name is Amber and I have OCD. In August of 09 I had a really bad panic attack one morning after my boyfriend had left to work. I hated the thought of being alone and I started to text him constantly to come home because he was my "safe" person. He couldn't come home and I had to rough it out.
During my panic attack I truely felt like I was losing my mind. I started to pace the floor and I was telling myself over and over again that I was ok I wasn't going to lose control or go insane. My body felt cold and my legs were jumping up and down, I was so scared.
I had to leave to get out, but I couldn't drive so I called my grandpa and he came to pick me up. I took a xanex to calm me down, but I was still terrified. I felt really tired and when I got home I slept like all day. Then when I woke up I still felt really tired.
Well after that panic attack I was in a state of mind that I did not like (spacy,dizzy,disconnected,half awake) and I just couldn't get rid of it and now 6 months later I still cant get rid of it.
Then all of my Obsessive thoughts started happening. My first thought was I was going to kill my cat and then other thoughts started to happen. I couldn't be around knifes, I couldn't be by myself, and I couldn't go out into public without feeling like people where looking at me.
Then on christmas day I was on this site trying to get support and I saw this one topic about schzoprhenia and I thought that I had it. It put me into a panic and my OCD thoughts just got so bad from there where I was taking 2 xanex a day just to cope. I was paralyed by fear and then other very unusual thoughts started to happen.
One night I woke up from a very bad nightmare where I was stabbing my best friends baby with a knife. I woke up so upset that I told my boyfriend that I might as well take a gun to my head and put myself out of my misery.I was crying and I immediatly took a xanex to put me to sleep.
I have been ignoring my best friend and now whenever I look or think about a baby I think about killing it.
I dont know what to do. All I do is lay up in this bed thinking about my thoughts and how bad I feel. I started taking medication and now I feel like a zombie. It feels like I have lost all interest in life and I used to be a beautful girl but now I have messy hair and pimples all over my face.
I feel worthless and I wonder why my boyfriend is even still with me. I can't work like this, I dropped out of school, and I cant even take care of the house. I used to stress out about the house and how everything had to perfectly clean, but now I dont even care. My boyfriend told me last night that my depression hurts everybody and he feels like I dont care about anything anymore and I feel like I dont care about anything anymore.
I went into a mental hopspital for 5 days because when I went to my doctor I told her that I was having thoughts of killing myself and others.The dotores at the hospital said that I had OCD. All they did was put me on meds and I sat in a room with other people. I was so bored and I felt like I wasn't getting any better. I had nobody to talk to and when I was sitting in the room all I could do was think. My thoughts didn't get any better. They had me on ait-phycotics and an anti-depressant and this anti-epressant made my thoughts 10x worse and I couldn't function at all. I felt tired and dizzy to the point where I could barely keep my eyes open. I quite taking them as soon a possible.
I hate this spacy/dizzy/disconnected feeling
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Guest
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Guest
Shifrah,
Thanks for your concern. Im am coping, but it is difficult.
I have the program and I bought it when I was 21 years old. I am now 24 alsmot 25.
When I was 18 years old I noticed things where changing about me. I thought I was going crazy. Little did I know I had anxiety. It wasn't until I was 21 that I found out one night watching tv that Lucinda started talking about every symtptom that I was having.
Once I got the program home I was relived of my anxiety just after the first two sessions that I didn't have anxiety for 3 years, but then in August I had a severve panic attack that jump started all of this. Now I have OCD. Although the thought abouting killing my cats and fear of knives started when I was 19, but I stopped obsessing for a while after I got the program.
I tried the program again, but its not helping me. I already know what to expect. The skills to help me with the panic attacks are helpful though.
Thanks for your concern. Im am coping, but it is difficult.
I have the program and I bought it when I was 21 years old. I am now 24 alsmot 25.
When I was 18 years old I noticed things where changing about me. I thought I was going crazy. Little did I know I had anxiety. It wasn't until I was 21 that I found out one night watching tv that Lucinda started talking about every symtptom that I was having.
Once I got the program home I was relived of my anxiety just after the first two sessions that I didn't have anxiety for 3 years, but then in August I had a severve panic attack that jump started all of this. Now I have OCD. Although the thought abouting killing my cats and fear of knives started when I was 19, but I stopped obsessing for a while after I got the program.
I tried the program again, but its not helping me. I already know what to expect. The skills to help me with the panic attacks are helpful though.
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Guest
AMberlee,
I can totally relate. My anxiety started years ago, I am 24 now. I am dealing with the scary thoughts too. That feeling of disorientation as well has gotten me upset before too. But I tried to simplify things a bit. Worrying about the disorientation was making things worse. So I thought, well what if I just accept it and didn't make a big deal about it maybe I will get a different result. Sure enough the anxiety reduced almost completely and my mind changed focus to something else.
One thing I have learned from this program, my doctors, therapists, and my own research is that, ITS NOT THE THOUGHTS THAT ARE THE PROBLEM, IT IS YOUR REACTION TO THE THOUGHT AND OBSESSIVE THINKING HABIT THAT IS THE PROBLEM.
I put that in caps more for myself, because I sometimes get stuck in the thoughts and over look the real issue and often need this reminder.
This condition is depressing. I know that very well first hand. What helps me is searching for answers and gaining an understanding of what I am going through. ( Thats exactly what Lucinda did before she created this program)
Having thoughts that you might hurt or kill someone or hurt yourself would upset anyone. Especially with the frequency that us OCD-ers have them.
Here is a couple of links that helped me understand a bit more about what I was going through.
http://www.vimeo.com/1120239
This is Dr. Steven Phillipson, one of the best when it comes to OCD and treating it. It is a video that I think if you have not seen it will give you a lot of information and comfort.
You remember how in this StressCenter.com program Lucinda always says " you'll never act on these thoughts no matter what..."?
Well I always wondered how they were so sure. Well this video really explains a lot of that.
One key phrase that the Doc said was " One of the great things about Obsessive thinking is that, Obsession will NEVER interfere with your genuine desire. Obsession only keeps you from doing things."
So for example you obsess you might stab your cat and it is freaking you out. Well you don't genuinely desire to do that, so no matter how much you obsess ( OCD) you won't act out on these thoughts. WHat you will do is probably avoid your cat or knifes...sound familiar?
this same Dr. also has an article up called " thinking the unthinkable". Here is the link.
http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php
One thing that helped me was understanding that the thoughts themselves were not the problem at all. Through the recommendation of a lot of people on here I purchased the book " The Imp of The Mind"- Dr. Lee Bauer. This gave me a lot more knowledge and comfort and explains that everybody who has the ability to think has these thoughts. We just don't shrug them off like some people can.
Take care and I hope this helps you
EddyJ
I can totally relate. My anxiety started years ago, I am 24 now. I am dealing with the scary thoughts too. That feeling of disorientation as well has gotten me upset before too. But I tried to simplify things a bit. Worrying about the disorientation was making things worse. So I thought, well what if I just accept it and didn't make a big deal about it maybe I will get a different result. Sure enough the anxiety reduced almost completely and my mind changed focus to something else.
One thing I have learned from this program, my doctors, therapists, and my own research is that, ITS NOT THE THOUGHTS THAT ARE THE PROBLEM, IT IS YOUR REACTION TO THE THOUGHT AND OBSESSIVE THINKING HABIT THAT IS THE PROBLEM.
I put that in caps more for myself, because I sometimes get stuck in the thoughts and over look the real issue and often need this reminder.
This condition is depressing. I know that very well first hand. What helps me is searching for answers and gaining an understanding of what I am going through. ( Thats exactly what Lucinda did before she created this program)
Having thoughts that you might hurt or kill someone or hurt yourself would upset anyone. Especially with the frequency that us OCD-ers have them.
Here is a couple of links that helped me understand a bit more about what I was going through.
http://www.vimeo.com/1120239
This is Dr. Steven Phillipson, one of the best when it comes to OCD and treating it. It is a video that I think if you have not seen it will give you a lot of information and comfort.
You remember how in this StressCenter.com program Lucinda always says " you'll never act on these thoughts no matter what..."?
Well I always wondered how they were so sure. Well this video really explains a lot of that.
One key phrase that the Doc said was " One of the great things about Obsessive thinking is that, Obsession will NEVER interfere with your genuine desire. Obsession only keeps you from doing things."
So for example you obsess you might stab your cat and it is freaking you out. Well you don't genuinely desire to do that, so no matter how much you obsess ( OCD) you won't act out on these thoughts. WHat you will do is probably avoid your cat or knifes...sound familiar?
this same Dr. also has an article up called " thinking the unthinkable". Here is the link.
http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php
One thing that helped me was understanding that the thoughts themselves were not the problem at all. Through the recommendation of a lot of people on here I purchased the book " The Imp of The Mind"- Dr. Lee Bauer. This gave me a lot more knowledge and comfort and explains that everybody who has the ability to think has these thoughts. We just don't shrug them off like some people can.
Take care and I hope this helps you
EddyJ