Stress Center Peer Support

Hello: I have been suffereing from what I thought was panic or anxiety. It started when I was 23 I was in college and under a lot of stress during this time I learned that my sister who is 7 years younger was molested by our grandfather. This brought back the memory of when she and I were kids we played a game where she and I touched each other. Of course I was young ,but this memory haunts me and makes me think that I am a bad person. I also remember when I was young going to the babysitters and taking part in playing house or whatever if other kids that included acting like we were husband and wife and touching each other. I remember getting into big trouble for this and also my mom getting mad at me for masturbating. Now that I am older and know what this stuff is I feel like I was a sick or perverted child. That it is my fault that my Grandfather molested my sister etc etc. I am a christian and I know that I would never do any of this to any child but I have thoughts that I am going to be a pedophile because of my past, I also have thoughts that I am going to go crazy. I get scared when I see kids because I do not want to become a sick person. I have begged God for forgiveness, and have done the following to get rid of these terrible thoughts.

I have told my husband, mother, sister, and cousnelors about everything I have ever done that I perceive to be perverted or bad.

I pray daily

I try not to avoid kids or other things that might bring up these thoughts.

I was doing so good for so long and I know that stress has brought about this but I just really would like to get these thoughts out of my head and to know if their are others like me who have had similar experiences growing up. I just do not want to feel like I am the only person who has done things when they were younger that they now percieve to be bad....

Hi Nature

I know a lot of people are hesitant to talk about this topic, but a lot of people have anxiety over guilt they feel about things they've done in their childhood. I know I do. The thing is, though, that children are naturally very curious and a lot of children tend to explore their curiosity with other children. I realize that there is a lot of controversy around this topic and parents feel like it's not something that should be discussed, but I promise you, you are not alone with this. I'm not entirely sure what went on in my childhood, because obviously I was young and don't remember much. I know that I was curious and that I too explored that curiosity with my female friend at the time. It was innocent and I see that now, but for a long time I felt like I had done something very wrong. You can't let it eat you apart, because it will. What happened to your sister is horrible, but it is in no way your fault. I think you will find a lot of these issues can be resolved with therapy and this program. The final line is that you can't turn back time, what's done is done, you are a good person and you know what? You're human. I think the more you explore this topic, the more you will realize that a lot of people have a similar story. I think you would feel a lot better talking to your husband about it. I know you're afraid of what they will say. I explained some of the things I felt bad about in regards to my past to my boyfriend and I was surprised to find not only that he didn't think any less of me, but that he had done something similar when he was a little boy. That's the thing about secrets, they aren't as taboo as you think they are.

I think the most constructive thing you can do right now is make this program a priority! Make it your number one GOAL to do your best to apply yourself to this program. One of the most valuable tools you will learn from this program is to Really Forgive Yourself, to accept yourself, and move on. God has already forgiven you and has forgotten all about it. You are human and cannot forget like God can but you can accept yourself as infallable and move on.

Thank you soooo much for your post.... I have talked with my husband and he too had similar experiences. I guess because it was with my sister and I was I think around 11 or 12 I feel that I am different or a sicko... I know I would never do anything to any child ,but I keep on obsessing over this thought. I have identified that the only time I do this is when I am extremely stressed or watch something on t.v. My biggest hang up are these kinds of thoughts. I have made an appointment to talk with a counselor and I pray that I am able to find out how to stop the guilt and the thoughts. I have asked for forgiveness from my mom, sister, everyone.. They continually reassure me that I am not a bad person that everyone does things that they wish they didn't. My sister doesn't even remember... She now will make a joke about it if I bring it up. This had definatley made it better, but now I fear having kids etc... because I do not want to do anything to anyone. It absolutely sucks... beacause I so want to be a mom (A GREAT Mom) I have been taking lexapro 20mg for almost two years now. I was doing great until recently. My husand and I are relocating and trying to sell a house... So I have been super stressed. Is their any treatment for obsessive thoughts? Will they ever stop? Will I ever be normal? These questions continually run through my mind.

I do not have the program but I am currently reading the book from panic to power. I am hoping that this along with the book and talking with a counselor will help...

Hi Nature,
I commend you for bringing up thissubjuct.I'm sure it was not an easy thing to do.I think most kids are curios about their bodies and it is normal to explore.I to did this as akid. We played doctor, husband and wife and girlfriend and boyfriend. I also experimented with a girlfriend of mine. It all goes back to curiosiety. Dont beat yourself up for this. What happend to your sister is horrible but dont blame yopurself. Ithappened to my daughter with my second husband and I still have a hard time dealing with it but I know it was not my fault it was his. I also aggree you should stick with the program, it helps to sort through all the negative thoughts and stop the obsessive thoughts. It takes a while to do this but dont give up.
Being a christian remember that God loves you and there is nothing as far as this subject for him to forgive. Dont be so hard on yourself, your only human.
Good luck and keep talking. I have found that there are good people in this forum that can help and that really do care.
God bless,
Amy

Thanks
Amy and Karilynn I really appreciate you replying.... I hope I can overcome these crazy obsessive worries...

Nature - You are very normal and behaved normally as a child, so that is not the issue. I hear you saying that you just want to get rid of the obsessive thinking (and the guilt that really doesn't belong to you.)

A very good book that compliments this program but focuses on obsessive thinking is Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Liebgold. There are specific exercises in this book that guide and direct you to the peace and freedom you seek. Rest assured you can cure from this.

hi Nature,
i can relate totally.......when i was about 10, my friend made his little sisters take off their clothes and run around naked. i had never thought anything was wrong with this until i got a DUI last year. being in jail really freaked me out. About a week later after this, the news was running all kinds of crazy stories about child porn, molestation etc and it scared the crap out of me and from then on i convinced myself that i am some kind of pervert or sicko. even now, a year later, i feel weird around kids. But you know what, I love kids tremendously and i am expecting my first child in september. After this DUI, i also convinced myself that i was a murderer as well becuase I had a thought about harming someone and my mind ran with it. I am sure it is tough to sort out as I am dealing with the same issues. I am on session 5 now but working with the session on obs scary thoughts as well.
Sometimes I laugh at myself and others time i am scared to death to hear news stories. I guess that I have alot of work to do.