Afraid

Lis1234 · Post by **Lis1234** » Sat Mar 27, 2010 11:06 am

I live with these scary thoughts daily. I can't seem to shut my mind off or think about something else. i am soooo scared.

6 years ago I experienced these terrible feelings of anxiety after watching a man getting his head cut off in a movie. I went into total panic that night and then started thinking I was going crazy. I couldn't go to work because I thought I wasn't going to see my family again or that I was going to black out on the way home and get lost, go crazy, lose my mind, not recognize anyone anymore etc....
I went to a doctor who prescribed me Zoloft and after I took it for the first time, i thought " Well if they're giving me medication then I must be crazy"...so that made my anxiety worse and I never took it again..eventually after suffering for about 6 or 7 months, the thoughts vanished. Since then I have gotten married and and had a baby.

2 years ago I watched a show on E! " the 20 most horrifying murders"...I panicked again..All of a sudden I starting thinking " What If I kill my whole family in their sleep like that person did??? What is I kill my son??? And it got soo bad that I couldn't be alone with my son, once again I couldn't go to work, I would cry and not eat because I always had that terrible feeling in my stomach. I went to see a therapist and after talking to him I felt a little better. The thoughts didn't go away but I felt better. I kept asking my husband, brothers, friends if they thought I was crazy??? And when they told me No, I thought they were lying. Eventually they went away after a few months of mental torture. Since then I have been so happy. Enjoying my life, enjoying my family.

Last week I just so happen to watch on E! AGAIN!!! " Too Young to Kill"...terrified my to death. I have been having the obsessive thought again about " What if I kill my family in their sleep? What if I hurt my son? What if I hurt myself? What if my husband leaves me and takes my child because he thinks I'm crazy?? What if they lock me up in jail or in a mental institution??? I'm terrified that I'll black out and do all these things!!! The TV and news does not help. All these crazy things that you hear on TV just torture me because I obsess about them. I don't even want to watch tv anymore. I'm so scared!!!
I don't want to do these things but what makes me different from those people who have committed these crimes. Why did they do that? Why do people hurt their kids? i just want to cry thinking about it. Why can't I be normal like other people. I hate myself for this. I try to convince myself that they're just thoughts but I can't. i get lost in my thoughts but when someone talks to me, I'm like if nothing is going on but inside I'm crying for help!

Please help me? Am I really crazy?? Will I do these things? Will I drive myself crazy?? what if I already am?? Will I ever be happy again??? That's all I want. I can give up anything just to be happy with my family. I don't want to lose them.

cream cheese · Post by **cream cheese** » Sat Mar 27, 2010 9:04 pm

Lis1234...I agree with Ms. T Bones.....you are not crazy. Dont let this feeling GET to your inner core. And watch something positive on TV.......TV..as far as I am concerned is loaded with bad news, movies are violent and too much Sex. get some good DVds. comedies and funny family movies. TURN OFF THAT E channel....its so simple push or click that button OFF!!! creamcheese

Dominus · Post by **Dominus** » Sun Mar 28, 2010 1:19 am

Lis1234, I echo the sentiments shared before by Ms.T.Bones and creamcheese, You are not crazy and perhaps it would benefit you most to decide not to watch programming that brings negative energy to your space. It is imperative that you surround yourself with positive energy, positive shows, positive people. Whenever a negative thought comes into your mind, what thought are you replacing it with. You are in control of what you allow yourself to think on and to dwell on. We all have negative thoughts but what is most important is what you do with those thoughts. Speak kindly to yourself. Tell yourself all the wonderful things you know to be true about you and reaffirm these facts to yourself everytime a negative thought tries to consume you. You have the power to rebuke and to reject the thinking that is making you unhappy and to replace the thoughts with what you know to be good and true. Believe in yourself and in your ability to be wonderful, happy and fulfilled.

Celeste1 · Post by **Celeste1** » Sun Mar 28, 2010 1:28 am

Hi Lis,
No, you are absolutely NOT crazy! These thoughts are exactly what OCD is known so well for! I used to be the same way, only I'd get panic attacks after watching the news or documentaries on cancer, swine flu, or anything else medically related. I am a nurse and I remember in nursing school when we were learning about disease processes, I went through a period where I thought I had EVERY single disease we were studying about! At least with TV, I could turn it off if it was causing anxiety. How do you excuse yourself from class everyday?!

I'm surprised I actually graduated! Then of course when I graduated and started working in the hospital, I thought I had every sickness my patients had! I would think it was a "sign" to be assigned to a patient with cancer. I was pretty bad! But then someone told me, "Well, if it is REALLY a sign that you are going to get cancer just because you have been assigned to take care of that patient, then every other nurse assigned to that patient after your shift is over is going to get cancer too!?" Of course that didn't make sense so I used that along with other anxiety reducing techniques to get through.

Mrs. Bones is right: Don't give these thoughts any weight. They're not thoughts that you plan to put into action! You know you will never do these things! Your mind is trying to make you think you will but you won't. Your thoughts are being "bossy". Boss the thoughts back! Let the thoughts be there. By letting them be there, you're not giving them "power". The more you try to "fight" them away, the more stressful and anxious you become. So let them linger around - they're just thoughts. You can do it!!

I like the idea that cream cheese has: comedies are GREAT to watch when you're feeling highly anxious!

Lis1234 · Post by **Lis1234** » Sun Mar 28, 2010 4:32 am

Thank you so much for your great advice Mrs. T Bones, cream cheese, Dominus and Celeste1.
I really try to stay calm. I've overcome this twice already but while you're going through the anxiety moments it's so hard to convince yourself that you are OK. I have felt like the worse person with these thoughts. I love my son so much and I feel guilty that these thoughts even come up. Last night was not good for me. I let the thoughts get the best of me and I just started crying and crying... Just looking at his little face and seeing how much he loves me, makes me so sad that this is going on. But all of you are right!!! I need to stop watching these things and putting more positive thoughts in my head to replace those negative ones. . There are a lot of happy and sane people out there. I just might be one of them. I love my family and I would certainly not hurt them. I just want to be happy again like I was 2 weeks ago.
Will these feelings of guilt ever go away?

Charlie Brown · Post by **Charlie Brown** » Sun Mar 28, 2010 5:09 am

Lis1234,

The feelings of guilt WILL go away. As you deal with the thoughts, change your programming, etc.

For now look at this way, the feelings of guilt are actually a good sign you are not a psycho in the making. Psychos have no sense of guilt or remorse.

You will be better.

Lis1234 · Post by **Lis1234** » Tue Mar 30, 2010 1:38 am

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I really let my anxiety get to me and I felt like there was no hope to get better. I can't get the thoughts of maybe harming my family out of my head. I know in my heart that I wont but I get so scared. What if I black out and commit these horrible things??? What if i snap all of a sudden? What if I never get better and they put me away forever? I'm so scared. Please help me. Everytime I look at my child and husband I just feel bad that these thoughts come into my head. i never look at them and feel like I actually want to do these things or feel anger or hate towards them. I truly love them. Why can't I stop??? Am I going crazy? Does anyone think I can actually do these things?

HELP!!!!

Celeste1 · Post by **Celeste1** » Tue Mar 30, 2010 2:56 am

Lis, hon, You're NOT going to do these things. Just the simple fact that you're desperately scared that you might is enough to show that you won't do them! If you were really going to do them, you wouldn't dare share these things with us - you'd probably lock these thoughts up and plan them out. I used to think these same kind of thoughts myself. I really had a breakdown once while driving up my driveway. My children were running around in the front yard and my youngest (he was 3 at the time) casually walked in front of my car. He was a good 10-15 feet in front of the car. I was riding the brake, slowly inching up our driveway so I didn't panic when he stepped in my path. But at that very moment I thought, "What if I run him over?" "What if I lose control, take my foot off the brake, and accidently hit the gas pedal?" I was so shook up when I got out of the car. I couldn't believe the thought of running my child over with my car had even entered my mind!!! I knew I would NEVER do something like that, yet I was confused why I had even thought it was a possibility. I figured subconsciously maybe I really did want to do this horrible thing to my child - why else would I think it? I struggled with this for weeks before I talked to my therapist about it. She told me the same thing I'm telling you. These thoughts are intrusive, distressing, cause more anxiety, but they are just thoughts. You have to try to confront them head-on instead of running from the fear that they cause. A good way to do this is to accept that you CAN'T always control your thoughts and you CAN'T always control your feelings BUT you CAN ALWAYS control your behavior! Try to change your behavior while you're around your child and/or husband - don't avoid doing certain things while you're around them because you're afraid of these thoughts. The more you change your behavior around them, the less the thoughts and feelings will occur. This might be hard at first and it might cause a spike in anxiety, but if you're consistent and you don't let your fear control you, you'll be on your way to recovery. Talk to a therapist about this... this is a very common form of OCD. You're not crazy and you won't follow through with the thoughts. Hope this helps. Take care.

Celeste

P&P · Post by **P&P** » Tue Mar 30, 2010 4:32 am

I know these thoughts all seem very scary when you're having them but rest assured that they are just THOUGHTS. That's SO hard to understand when you're going through this. But know that while I was reading your post I felt completely blaze and I KNOW you aren't going to act on any of those scary thoughts, I know this to be fact! I had those thoughts as a child and now if one pops in my head, it has NO power what so ever. A scary thought like "what if I jump off that balcony" makes me react as if someone said "you're going to win the lottery tomorrow," not going to happen,hehe

These are just "fake" thoughts that are filtering through your mind. Chances are, there's something else going on in your life that you are truly concerned about that. And that's why you're filling yourself full of these out there thoughts, they are distracting you!

Lis1234 · Post by **Lis1234** » Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:40 am

Thank you so much Celeste1 and P&P not only for your comforting words but for taking time to write to me and showing that you care.

You have no idea how comforting it is to hear that I'm NOT crazy. Even though when I panick I don't really remember to tell myself that but I will try VERY HARD to stop this cycle of scary thoughts. I love my family and I love life itself. I don't want to feel this way. I've had this before and again it was fear of hurting my son. I used to shake will giving him a bath or dressing him thinking that I was going to snap and hurt him. Then i would cry and call everyone i know just to reassure myself that I wasn't crazy. This is a very hard thing to deal with. Once again thank you so much. I will keep all of your advice in mind.