HOCD is ruining my whole life. I need urgent help.
Hello, I'm new to this board, my name is Max and I am a 20 year old male. I discovered this site by googling HOCD and anxiety. Where do I start, I've been going through utter hell since the start of last year and now into this January. I feel that my life is destroyed because I feel like I am gay and everywhere I go and everything I watch I constantly noticing male bottoms, sometimes muscular arms. It just never leaves me alone. I am currently going through CBT(cognitive behavioral therapy) and have been on the anti-depressant Imipramine for over 6 months now. I am very, very sad and desolate in saying that neither treatment has had any effect on me. I feel so hounded by what I see on any TV show or any where I go out, whether that's for a drive or a drive into a town/city. I just keep noticing male bottoms, with no discrimination (by this I mean that it effects various ages from my age 20 to 60 and it can be in cartoons and friends too) and this is what hurts me most and makes me suicidal. Why on earth does it have to bloody be so many people that I notice, and immediately think to myself, ''Oh no I have found another person attractive!'' Early last year when this started I stopped watching TV and going out as much, because I just couldn't take it any more; I was extremely scared of noticing people's bottoms and arms. Gradually over the year I began to watch more and started going out more. Which leads me to where I am now. I still feel like I am gay but fervently do not want to be! I want to be straight like I was for most of my life before I started having doubts when I was 18(now 20) and now those doubts have formed utter tension and complete anxiety most if not all of the time. Please I need some help, I need to talk to anyone who knows about HOCD.
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Guest
Hi Max. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert, but I HAVE had that thought, just in the last couple weeks actually. I couldn't understand it- I'm 19 years old, never been attracted to the same sex, and have a great boyfriend. It's subsided since then, but I just want to tell you that you're fine. You're not gay, and you just have OCD. I read somewhere that this is one of the most common things people with OCD obsess about, so you are not alone. If you read any other of the posts on here you'll hear people saying to just let the thought be there, don't give it any power. By telling yourself NOT to have the thought, it's MUCH harder to get rid of. Easier said than done of course. And think about it logically... you're not attracted to every woman you ever see, so how could you possibly be attracted to any man you ever see? It's not logical! I'm going to attach a link for an article I read that helps put things in perspective.
<A HREF="http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php" TARGET=_blank>http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php</A>
I hope this helps! Keep posting, there are lots of people here who will help you!
<A HREF="http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php" TARGET=_blank>http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php</A>
I hope this helps! Keep posting, there are lots of people here who will help you!
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Guest
Hi Max,
I think we all do that. I am a female and I am by no means attracted to females but rather I guess I sort of size myself up by looking at them. I compare myself to them. Maybe that is what you are doing. And the more you try not to, the harder it becomes to not look. For example, I had a boss once and he had a receding hairline (not that I care at all about that) but I had to tell myself not to look at it because I didn't want him to think that I was being rude but darnit, the more I thought about not doing it, the more my eyes wondered up there. And I didn't and don't care about receding hairlines. It was just the simple fact that I was trying not to do it. LOL.
Another example. My current boss always "adjusts" himself down there in front of me (and other people...I don't think he knows he does it) but I end up looking and now when he does it, I just stare strait in his face but I its hard to do that especially when he's adjusting himself.
It's totally an OCD thing. I hope this helps.
I think we all do that. I am a female and I am by no means attracted to females but rather I guess I sort of size myself up by looking at them. I compare myself to them. Maybe that is what you are doing. And the more you try not to, the harder it becomes to not look. For example, I had a boss once and he had a receding hairline (not that I care at all about that) but I had to tell myself not to look at it because I didn't want him to think that I was being rude but darnit, the more I thought about not doing it, the more my eyes wondered up there. And I didn't and don't care about receding hairlines. It was just the simple fact that I was trying not to do it. LOL.
Another example. My current boss always "adjusts" himself down there in front of me (and other people...I don't think he knows he does it) but I end up looking and now when he does it, I just stare strait in his face but I its hard to do that especially when he's adjusting himself.
It's totally an OCD thing. I hope this helps.
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Guest
Hi there - There is a group with the name Exodus in it, might want to try to do a google search but they've helped many people who were having the same tendencies as you are having but don't want to or knew it was wrong.
I personally believe what you are going through is like any other sin - I can't really help you but can only offer that it's something you have to turn away from like any other sin. We all have sin in our lives in different levels and we all fight them on a daily basis, you are no different - I think you've done well to turn off the TV, I believe the TV tends to throw all kinds of temptation toward the viewer whether it be food, sexual temptation, etc. There's nothing wrong with turning it off and/or turning away from anything that triggers a thing which you feel is sinful or wrong behavior.
As a Christian I strongly believe the enemy will try to throw temptation our way, through our unique weaknesses. I believe that weakness will distract us from what is pure. For many of us here it is fear and anxiety.
I hope you get the help you need and all the best to you!
P.S. I also agree with the others in that when you tell yourself not to look or think a certain way that's all you think about right? e.g. "Stop thinking about the red elephant - stop it right now, no more red elephants!" Then all you picture in your mind is a red elephant.
I personally believe what you are going through is like any other sin - I can't really help you but can only offer that it's something you have to turn away from like any other sin. We all have sin in our lives in different levels and we all fight them on a daily basis, you are no different - I think you've done well to turn off the TV, I believe the TV tends to throw all kinds of temptation toward the viewer whether it be food, sexual temptation, etc. There's nothing wrong with turning it off and/or turning away from anything that triggers a thing which you feel is sinful or wrong behavior.
As a Christian I strongly believe the enemy will try to throw temptation our way, through our unique weaknesses. I believe that weakness will distract us from what is pure. For many of us here it is fear and anxiety.
I hope you get the help you need and all the best to you!
P.S. I also agree with the others in that when you tell yourself not to look or think a certain way that's all you think about right? e.g. "Stop thinking about the red elephant - stop it right now, no more red elephants!" Then all you picture in your mind is a red elephant.
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Guest
Hello Max88!!
Well i just wanted to tell you that i have deal with ocd for few years and i felt the same way some times.
for a while my mine would tell me im a lesbian, wow!! i felt so bad, but a thing that i learned is that if you feel bad and guilty about it, ITS NOT TRUE!! so that help me a lot. I hope you feel better. MIM
Well i just wanted to tell you that i have deal with ocd for few years and i felt the same way some times.
for a while my mine would tell me im a lesbian, wow!! i felt so bad, but a thing that i learned is that if you feel bad and guilty about it, ITS NOT TRUE!! so that help me a lot. I hope you feel better. MIM
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Guest
Max, Let me reassure you that there is absolutely no sin going on here. And, I will not get into a debate about religion or Christianity.
You have OCD and your obsession just happens to be about being gay. So what!!!!!!! We all have various obsessions. The content of your obsession is NOT the problem. You aren't gay. That scare voice in you has you so fooled and in order to see this you must start allowing the thoughts in instead of resisting them. Resisting the thoughts is your only problem. Welcome them in from now on. They are just thoughts. We are thought machines and whenever you fight or struggle with a thought, it gets stronger and stronger and just bugs the dickens out of you, but that is the only power it has - to bug you. Turn around. Look in the mirror and welcome all those gay thoughts. Wrap your arms around yourself and say: No matter what happens I love you. With persistance you will see the thoughts weaken and they won't occur as often and if they do return you will just shrug them off and they'll be gone again. They are no big deal. Practice observing your thoughts.
Read Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Liebgold
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven C. Hayes, PH.D.
The cognitive therapy you need to practice is allowing. (Allowing does not mean you agree with your thoughts. It means you allow your thoughts to come and go (without emotion) - no matter what their content is.) There is no need for you to suffer like this. Get the above books (and do the exercises and reading involved) and watch your life turn around.
Blessings to you.
You have OCD and your obsession just happens to be about being gay. So what!!!!!!! We all have various obsessions. The content of your obsession is NOT the problem. You aren't gay. That scare voice in you has you so fooled and in order to see this you must start allowing the thoughts in instead of resisting them. Resisting the thoughts is your only problem. Welcome them in from now on. They are just thoughts. We are thought machines and whenever you fight or struggle with a thought, it gets stronger and stronger and just bugs the dickens out of you, but that is the only power it has - to bug you. Turn around. Look in the mirror and welcome all those gay thoughts. Wrap your arms around yourself and say: No matter what happens I love you. With persistance you will see the thoughts weaken and they won't occur as often and if they do return you will just shrug them off and they'll be gone again. They are no big deal. Practice observing your thoughts.
Read Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Liebgold
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven C. Hayes, PH.D.
The cognitive therapy you need to practice is allowing. (Allowing does not mean you agree with your thoughts. It means you allow your thoughts to come and go (without emotion) - no matter what their content is.) There is no need for you to suffer like this. Get the above books (and do the exercises and reading involved) and watch your life turn around.
Blessings to you.
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Guest
Max:
Some good advice here. I would add two things to it.
First, DO NOT contact Exodus or any other crazy group that claims to "cure" gayness. You are not gay. And, even if you were, these groups do not work and the people who go through their programs end up really emotionally and psychically harmed.
Second, I am gay. So noticing attractive men is a pleasurable experience for me. Also, your OCD seems to have attached itself to arms and butts, not even the whole person. I'm sure when you see an attractive woman you notice some feature (or perhaps a few) that you find particularly sexy. As another poster said, you don't find every woman sexy, and, if you were gay, you wouldn't find every man attractive.
Some good advice here. I would add two things to it.
First, DO NOT contact Exodus or any other crazy group that claims to "cure" gayness. You are not gay. And, even if you were, these groups do not work and the people who go through their programs end up really emotionally and psychically harmed.
Second, I am gay. So noticing attractive men is a pleasurable experience for me. Also, your OCD seems to have attached itself to arms and butts, not even the whole person. I'm sure when you see an attractive woman you notice some feature (or perhaps a few) that you find particularly sexy. As another poster said, you don't find every woman sexy, and, if you were gay, you wouldn't find every man attractive.
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Guest
Just throwing this out there, but at the age of 20 you are really coming into your sexuality and sense of self, right? Let's say it--what if you're gay? Is that so horrible? It sounds as though you are likely not, but why are you so afraid?
I consider myself a Christian, and am straight, but I COMPLETELY disagree with the theories that being gay is sinful, a choice, or any other nonesense. You are who you are, and at your age, you are just beginning to figure that out. Embrace your thoughts, do not be afraid of them, and just listen to your inner self and figure out who you are. If you do not give your thoughts power to scare you, as others have posted, they will likely go away. If they do not go away, then so what??? Just my two cents...
I consider myself a Christian, and am straight, but I COMPLETELY disagree with the theories that being gay is sinful, a choice, or any other nonesense. You are who you are, and at your age, you are just beginning to figure that out. Embrace your thoughts, do not be afraid of them, and just listen to your inner self and figure out who you are. If you do not give your thoughts power to scare you, as others have posted, they will likely go away. If they do not go away, then so what??? Just my two cents...
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Guest
Thanks for everyone who has responded. for the past months I've been trying to get back to watching things I use to like on TV as well as just trying out any programs to see if I can get back to the way I use to see things on the Television. I've been finding it incredibly hard at times, the sheer discomfort and feelings of despair when I notice male bottoms in every show I watch, just makes me completely desolate. I feel the need to try and try again after the worse bouts of depression and anxiety kick in. Why is watching the TV so hard for me, all I want to do is not notice bottoms and feel less obsessed with checking. It's just the absolute hell of constant noticing of males with everything positive I try and do. I am trying really, really hard to move forward and do everyday normal things, like going out in public more and watching the TV. I try and feel more comfortable with thinking I am gay but I still get extreme unpleasant feelings of being trapped in a sexuality I don't want. I am trying to calm myself down by doing normal things, but the constant noticing of bottoms and the feelings of panic just overcome me almost all of the time. I just want to see people normally, without all of this utter hell of noticing, and needing to look back to test myself on the attraction. Why does it have to be this unfair? I have suffered from this for the past year and I yearn to feel like I did in my early teenage years where I found women attractive and I was content with life. Sexuality it seems has conquered everything I do with all of my time. Even when I try not to obsess with my checking rituals.
P.S. I would really appreciate talking to people on this forum more whenever they are free to talk. I just feel the need to reach out to people whenever they are free to talk. Just to discuss what I'm going through with others who understand. I don't want to impose too much on people, but I don't see many friends on a regular basis right now, so I feel desperate to connect with new people.
Regards
P.S. I would really appreciate talking to people on this forum more whenever they are free to talk. I just feel the need to reach out to people whenever they are free to talk. Just to discuss what I'm going through with others who understand. I don't want to impose too much on people, but I don't see many friends on a regular basis right now, so I feel desperate to connect with new people.
Regards
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Guest
Max,
I hope you believe me when I say that I understand what complete and utter HELL you are going through. I'm going through the same exact thing myself. It's horrible, this constant self-doubt, as if you have no idea who you really are. My "gay" fear started up again about a month ago, and has taken over my life ever since then. I've had a horrible day today, and I just wanted to say that I KNOW how you feel. If you ever want to send me a message, feel free to do so, it's nice to talk to people who are going through exactly the same thing. I know what you mean about watching TV; I've developed a habit of falling asleep through it, my boyfriend's beginning to think I never get any sleep, but it's almost like a defense mechanism. But hang in there, this will get better!!
Sarah
I hope you believe me when I say that I understand what complete and utter HELL you are going through. I'm going through the same exact thing myself. It's horrible, this constant self-doubt, as if you have no idea who you really are. My "gay" fear started up again about a month ago, and has taken over my life ever since then. I've had a horrible day today, and I just wanted to say that I KNOW how you feel. If you ever want to send me a message, feel free to do so, it's nice to talk to people who are going through exactly the same thing. I know what you mean about watching TV; I've developed a habit of falling asleep through it, my boyfriend's beginning to think I never get any sleep, but it's almost like a defense mechanism. But hang in there, this will get better!!
Sarah