Hello everyone
My name is Eddy, and I have been on these forums for a while now. I was diagnosed with Pure-O and have been seeing a specialist for my OCD for a couple of months now. I have made much strides but I have gotten stuck in a growth spurt.
The problem with these thoughts is not the thought, but the emotional attachment we give it which tends to be intense fear and anxiety.
So naturally the principle of the therapy an recovery is no to rid the thoughts because everybody has them. The issue is ridding the strong emotional response. If we can get rid of the irrational fear than the thoughts go away on their own.
Well I am having anxiety now about not having anxiety. I don't know if others on here can relate. My obsessions and I won't go into detail, but they are the common ones about hurting myself or hurting others, or going crazy.
Well for years I was so use to feeling anxiety and fear that I almost came to rely on that emotion to let me know that I would never act out on these thoughts.
4 months ago if i had a thought of hurting myself I would freak out and become an emotional mess. But now when I have a thought of hurting myself there is not much emotional response. That scares me lol. It's kind of silly and irrational and I know that. But Not feeling anxiety is making me anxious. I mean the therapy is working if the fear is diminishing but it is like I am not comfortable not feeling anxiety.
SO when I have the thoughts and I don't feel fear right away I fish for it. Or if it doesn't come right away I begin to obsess and wonder if all of a sudden I want to act on these thoughts. For so long I had relied on " well the fact that it scares you shows you you would never act on this." So now that the fear is diminishing it scares me lol. Can anyone else relate?
EddyJ
The thoughts don't scare me as much any more...that scares me!
-
Guest
Hey Eddy J
I have read your posts few times when you advised people on pure 'O' and they helped me a lot. I do not write on here often (well, hardly) but I could not ignore your post.
I am in my better days during this OCD phase. I had my first one 2 years ago which caused me a great panic attack and I demanded that my finace (we got engaged a week before the attack and we keep on laughing that once he proposed I went nuts) would take me to the mental hospital and he did. Once I was there I was convinced this is where I end up and started saying my good byes to my finace begging him to forget about me and find a decent wife (i know - very dramatic- almost hollywood style) When the doctor took me into the office she couldn't be more blase about it, like it's such a daily occurence. She said I am normal, it's OCD, it's got it's good days - bad days - but I will be alright.
I spent a year on paxil (seroxat here)only because I was very careful of coming off it. My thoughts faded away. Did not pay attention to them at all, I let them past me and ignored them - and it worked!!!!
Until this year, when after 4 funerals of close relatives within months from our wedding my thoughts started coming back. First, whether I love my husband or not (that tormented me for a long time until I confessed to him that I have to leave him because I THINK I don't love him - honestly he's having time of his life with me
. Anyway he was the first one to notice it's my OCD playing up again, and once we've discussed it (I mean me going on about 'what ifs' him just laughing it away) the thoughts went away.... and the hurtful ones crept back in... (never ending story, I have the hurtful thoughts - I cry because there's no one else I love as much, once they go, I have the 'unloving thoughts' and back again).
Anyway - the whole point of my story is - everytime me letting those thoughts go past me and ignoring them (by that I mean not paying emotional attention to them) I was cured.
The second time round when they came back I remembered and tried to do the same, only to keep myself asking whether I have gone psycho because I don't feel scared of them anymore....
Same old story - however - you are definetely on the way to a good recovery - it may or may not come back - but keep it going!!! I know it helped me - those doctors they know what they're talking about!!! Don't you fret - it's the light at the end of the tunnel!!! And I am really happy for you!!!
I have read your posts few times when you advised people on pure 'O' and they helped me a lot. I do not write on here often (well, hardly) but I could not ignore your post.
I am in my better days during this OCD phase. I had my first one 2 years ago which caused me a great panic attack and I demanded that my finace (we got engaged a week before the attack and we keep on laughing that once he proposed I went nuts) would take me to the mental hospital and he did. Once I was there I was convinced this is where I end up and started saying my good byes to my finace begging him to forget about me and find a decent wife (i know - very dramatic- almost hollywood style) When the doctor took me into the office she couldn't be more blase about it, like it's such a daily occurence. She said I am normal, it's OCD, it's got it's good days - bad days - but I will be alright.
I spent a year on paxil (seroxat here)only because I was very careful of coming off it. My thoughts faded away. Did not pay attention to them at all, I let them past me and ignored them - and it worked!!!!
Until this year, when after 4 funerals of close relatives within months from our wedding my thoughts started coming back. First, whether I love my husband or not (that tormented me for a long time until I confessed to him that I have to leave him because I THINK I don't love him - honestly he's having time of his life with me
. Anyway he was the first one to notice it's my OCD playing up again, and once we've discussed it (I mean me going on about 'what ifs' him just laughing it away) the thoughts went away.... and the hurtful ones crept back in... (never ending story, I have the hurtful thoughts - I cry because there's no one else I love as much, once they go, I have the 'unloving thoughts' and back again).Anyway - the whole point of my story is - everytime me letting those thoughts go past me and ignoring them (by that I mean not paying emotional attention to them) I was cured.
The second time round when they came back I remembered and tried to do the same, only to keep myself asking whether I have gone psycho because I don't feel scared of them anymore....
Same old story - however - you are definetely on the way to a good recovery - it may or may not come back - but keep it going!!! I know it helped me - those doctors they know what they're talking about!!! Don't you fret - it's the light at the end of the tunnel!!! And I am really happy for you!!!
-
Guest
Thank you so much bacteria!!!!
Your message really made my day. I start paxil on thursday. The psychiatrists said that would essentially cure me. But I know in the long run the therapy will cure me. But you say the paxil helped tremendously and that makes me feel soooo good! I am seeing both a psychologist that is an OCD specialists and the psychiatrist for the meds.
Aside from the paxil did you do any cognitive therapy? or did you just do medication for treatment?
I think what freaked me out the most was that for most of my life I always had some kind of fear or anxiety. Now it is not there. I should be grateful actually! but it will take some time to be comfortable
Thank you so much Bacteria! I feel motivated. It sounds like you found a wonderful person that loves and understands you unconditionally I will keep moving forward.
EddyJ
Your message really made my day. I start paxil on thursday. The psychiatrists said that would essentially cure me. But I know in the long run the therapy will cure me
. But you say the paxil helped tremendously and that makes me feel soooo good! I am seeing both a psychologist that is an OCD specialists and the psychiatrist for the meds. Aside from the paxil did you do any cognitive therapy? or did you just do medication for treatment?
I think what freaked me out the most was that for most of my life I always had some kind of fear or anxiety. Now it is not there. I should be grateful actually! but it will take some time to be comfortable
Thank you so much Bacteria! I feel motivated. It sounds like you found a wonderful person that loves and understands you unconditionally
I will keep moving forward.EddyJ
-
Guest
Hey, I'm glad my post helped a little.
I was on paxil only. It took me a long time to get used to the drug, took it for good 7 months on full dose (I think it was around 20/30 a day) and then took few months coming off it.
I did not have the therapy, as UK is way behind the treatment available, you're on 6 months waiting list to see a psychiatrist, the meds are given by the family doctor (a nurse in my case
)
However I did consider the therapy second time round (which was in February). I have not done that yet.
Paxil helped in a way that it baught me the time to get used to and understand the disorder. It won't get rid off these thoughts (but you probably know tis already) but it will help to ease the anxiety when the thoughts do come and let you cope with it.
I went to buy this 'Imp of the mind' book, but it actually freaked me out (as a woman and a 'O' sufferer I concentrated on the worst bits rather than the positive - ei - the message about the difference between real psychos and OCD - of course I was 'convinced' I was a psycho, not an OCD) Anyway in between those 2 years:
I got married, organized a huge family/friends wedding
Became a godmother to my best friends baby
Got a really good job and holding onto it
Arranged for parties, cooked entertained, drank and laughed
signed up for pilates and yoga classes (really helps)
I am not boasting - all I want to say that you're on a very good way to live a fullfilled life, with or without this annoying condition. This comes back and goes. When it comes, my life falls apart (in my mind) but then I try to go back to the previous times and it makes it so much easier! My previous episode I was off for good few weeks of work, most of time stuck in my bedroom, crying myself to sleep.
The second time round, I'm annoyed, scared, can't watch my CSI's and all crime dramas, and leave cooking for couple of days. Otherwise, the life goes on. Good days, bad days, but I'm ok - so you will be!
I was on paxil only. It took me a long time to get used to the drug, took it for good 7 months on full dose (I think it was around 20/30 a day) and then took few months coming off it.
I did not have the therapy, as UK is way behind the treatment available, you're on 6 months waiting list to see a psychiatrist, the meds are given by the family doctor (a nurse in my case
)However I did consider the therapy second time round (which was in February). I have not done that yet.
Paxil helped in a way that it baught me the time to get used to and understand the disorder. It won't get rid off these thoughts (but you probably know tis already) but it will help to ease the anxiety when the thoughts do come and let you cope with it.
I went to buy this 'Imp of the mind' book, but it actually freaked me out (as a woman and a 'O' sufferer I concentrated on the worst bits rather than the positive - ei - the message about the difference between real psychos and OCD - of course I was 'convinced' I was a psycho, not an OCD) Anyway in between those 2 years:
I got married, organized a huge family/friends wedding
Became a godmother to my best friends baby
Got a really good job and holding onto it
Arranged for parties, cooked entertained, drank and laughed
signed up for pilates and yoga classes (really helps)
I am not boasting - all I want to say that you're on a very good way to live a fullfilled life, with or without this annoying condition. This comes back and goes. When it comes, my life falls apart (in my mind) but then I try to go back to the previous times and it makes it so much easier! My previous episode I was off for good few weeks of work, most of time stuck in my bedroom, crying myself to sleep.
The second time round, I'm annoyed, scared, can't watch my CSI's and all crime dramas, and leave cooking for couple of days. Otherwise, the life goes on. Good days, bad days, but I'm ok - so you will be!
-
Guest
Bacteria,
Your responses to this post have given me so much hope. One of my last posts was all about how I'm afraid this is going to ruin my life. I've had issues with the 'relationship' and 'love' obsessions, as well as pretty much everything else in the book.
You saying how much you are able to deflate the power of it is so encouraging. I'm trying really hard to get better at this.
But everything you were saying about all the things you accomplished over the past few years during all of this is really picking my head up more.
So thank you for sharing your encouraging story!
Your responses to this post have given me so much hope. One of my last posts was all about how I'm afraid this is going to ruin my life. I've had issues with the 'relationship' and 'love' obsessions, as well as pretty much everything else in the book.
You saying how much you are able to deflate the power of it is so encouraging. I'm trying really hard to get better at this.
But everything you were saying about all the things you accomplished over the past few years during all of this is really picking my head up more.
So thank you for sharing your encouraging story!
-
Guest
Yes Bacteria very very helpful. I think the paxil can help a long way but the long term cure is the therapy
I use to feel bad about not being able to watch the scary movies i use to enjoy. But now i don;t watch them because they don;t really interest me. The plots are all the same and it's just not fun lol.
The imp of the mind actually gave me tremendous comfort. Although when the book came in the mail I was afraid to flip through the chapter that said " which thoughts are dangerous" and fear reading mine haha.
I use to feel bad about not being able to watch the scary movies i use to enjoy. But now i don;t watch them because they don;t really interest me. The plots are all the same and it's just not fun lol.
The imp of the mind actually gave me tremendous comfort. Although when the book came in the mail I was afraid to flip through the chapter that said " which thoughts are dangerous" and fear reading mine haha.
-
Guest
Guys, keep positive, hold onto good moments and keep going!
It will not ruin your life if you won't let it! I think it was Eddy himself who said that OCD does not define you and it's only a small part of your life. Don't let it then take over your life, keep it on a leash - who's the boss here?
Love B
It will not ruin your life if you won't let it! I think it was Eddy himself who said that OCD does not define you and it's only a small part of your life. Don't let it then take over your life, keep it on a leash - who's the boss here?
Love B
-
Guest
-
Guest
HEY! I was having these exact thoughts today, and thought....what if this means I'm exceptional and I really am messed up. thanks for posting this because it shows me i'm not. I know how you feel though, i feel like...i don't want to be unafraid of these thoughts cuz then...what if I'll suddenly want to do them?? it's a fear, hurting the ones we love. or seeing them get hurt. we're both just extremely empathetic people. And..i saw my dad pass away when i was just twelve sooo..its understandable why I have this fear.
Anyway, i went through the program once and went a whole year without these scary thoughts..then they came back when I moved again. so it's been on and off. I think it might be OCD and I might take meds for it. but anyway thanks for posting this and letting me know I'm not the only one!! <3
Anyway, i went through the program once and went a whole year without these scary thoughts..then they came back when I moved again. so it's been on and off. I think it might be OCD and I might take meds for it. but anyway thanks for posting this and letting me know I'm not the only one!! <3