Stress Center Peer Support

Hey Gang,

Boy, I don't even know where to start. I don't even know why I'm posting here. To be totally honest, I bought this program probably about 3 or 4 years ago and have been to these forums hundreds of times...always during times of feeling not so hot. I'm not a poster by nature, always more of a lurker - but, I am just SUCH a mess right now and I can't even stand it anymore.

I need to talk (I think?) but don't know who to talk to. As I'm sure is a common thing, I'm embarrassed about this "disorder" or whatever we're supposed to call it. My fianceé, bless her heart, is my "safe place," my "go to person" - and, while I do talk to her about pretty much everything and she's always tries to be as supportive as possible - she's not a sufferer, she has no idea what this is like, and I'm kind of just getting sick of always feeding her all my negative crap.

Gosh, this is going to be super long, I know it. Please bear with me and I apologize in advance for the rambling.

I'm a 27 year old guy (my 27th birthday is tomorrow actually), I've been with a wonderful woman for nearly 8 years (we're getting married next month, finally), I own a very successful company, I'm fairly healthy, and am just an all around "lucky" guy by most folks' standards.

I just don't know what the HELL is wrong with me.

While my childhood was far from perfect or pain free, I never experienced anything overly traumatic such as sexual abuse or whatnot. My mother was an alcoholic, which those of you with an alcoholic parent knows that's far from fun or easy, but I really haven't had anything really horrible happen to me throughout my life to make me the way I am today.

I've always been normal. My mind has always been normal. My emotions have always been normal. I've always had a normal relationship/connection between my mind and my body. I've always been able to function normally.

One day when I was 19 years old, everything changed. It changed out of absolutely nowhere; there was no warning, there was no foreshadowing, there was nothing. I was out of state visiting a friend at his college...we were watching TV one night and I all of a sudden felt like I was going to throw up. I ran out of the dorm room to the closest water fountain - I suppose because I was embarrassed of possibly being sick in front of him or something, I don't know. My reaction was a complete knee-jerk so I don't even know what my thought process was in that split second. Well, I never threw up - but I worried and obssessed that I would every second. I spent hours that night in the men's bathroom waiting for it to happen, hoping I would just throw up and feel better and it would be over. Hours passed and nothing. I woke my friend up at 4am telling him that he needed to take my to a hotel because I didn't feel good. I was just SO afraid of being sick in front of him, in his tiny dorm room, being so far away from the comfort and safety of my home...I just wanted out of there.

I think I was at his college for another 2 or 3 days before my flight home. The entire rest of the time there, I just felt sick and nervous and...well, just sick. I was in a constant state of just KNOWING I was going to throw up and stressing like crazy about it. The whole flight home I kept my eyes on the "puke bag," just in case.

I thought once I was home, I'd be fine. But, no, of course not. I constantly felt sick like I was going to throw up - although, at home it was much, much better. At home, I felt safe and relaxed. Going outside of my home was another story. Anywhere where I was going to be in the public view, or enclosed somewhere with no quick access to a bathroom or exit, anywhere that I could embarrass myself...it made me feel sick. In my mind at the time, there was something so wrong with my stomach that it was invading my life and was keeping me from being normal. This needed fixed.

I had no idea about anxiety or panic or anything of that. All I knew is that my stomach was sick all the time, that I would feel dizzy and lightheaded, my arms and hands would tingle, I would get sweaty, etc. Symptoms of just being sick, I thought. I went to see gastro specialists, had tons of tests, found that I actually did have a hiatal hernia, took meds for it (of course they didn't fix anything), blah blah blah. It was also discovered that I had Hypothyroid and that a lot of my symptoms were also symptoms of that. Had my thyroid killed off, was put on Synthroid. Still wasn't feeling any better or any different.

After some online research, I linked two and two together and realized I could definitely be suffering from anxiety and panic. Was I having panic attacks, was that what those feelings were? All because I was afraid of throwing up that ONE day?! REALLY?!? How ridiculous.

I learned as much as I could about anxiety/panic and tried to work through it myself. I thought I would be okay. I mean, I wasn't born with this - I gave it to myself - so I can get rid of it myself, right? It's not rocket science. Bought tons and tons of books on anxiety/panic. Any book that's been written, I'm sure I own it. I was on a mission to get this weird "disorder" the hell away from me as fast as possible.

Well, it wasn't working. I gave up the "DIY" fight and went to my primary doctor who put me on Zoloft and told me to see a psychiatrist. I instead went to a therapist, but did start the Zoloft.

The first week I was on the Zoloft (which I started at 25mg/day at bedtime as instructed) was absolute HELL. I mean a nightmarish five days of pure HELL. I had no idea what anxiety was or what a panic attack felt like until that first week on Zoloft. Whatever I was suffering with before must've been baby anxiety and baby panic...because that first week on Zoloft knocked me so hard on my butt, I thought for sure I'd have to be committed somewhere. For five days straight, I had a 24/7 panic attack. That's not an exageration. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't work, I couldn't even think. My heart raced for 5 days straight, my hands and feet were numb for 5 days straight, I couldn't even flip through channels on the TV because ANY mention of a death or killing or suicide or anything would send me into an immediate state of pure horrific panic, I was terrified to be left alone, etc.

I remember one night, in the midst of a horrible state of immediate panic that took over my entire brain and body...as I sat next to my fianceé shaking and downing a bottle of Tums because my stomach burned so bad...I told her she may need to take me to the emergency mental health and commit me, I was just going crazy.

God, bless her heart. I haven't been fun to live with.

Those 5 days of hell eventually passed and I was feeling better. Started seeing my therapist who treated me with hypnotherapy and reassured me that no one ever goes crazy from panic attacks. Whew, what a relief to hear it from a professional. The Zoloft was working, the hypnotherapy felt great (we actually started going to the mall to walk around right after my appointments and I was feeling SO good about myself), and it was also around this time I ordered Lucinda's program and dove right into it.

I was on Zoloft for about 3 years and really, honestly felt so good on it. I felt like I was somewhat normal again. I gained 50 lbs. (yes, FIFTY POUNDS) while I was on it though which I certainly wasn't happy with. After 3 years of feeling pretty good - and gaining so much weight - I was ready to get off of the Zoloft. I could handle myself, I was better, I felt great.

I tried getting off 2-3 times. The withdrawls were nasty. The scariest part of it for me was the crazy thoughts I would get - thoughts about killing myself or killing my fianceé. I was SO scared about those thoughts. I knew I wasn't suicidal, I knew I'd never hurt her...what the hell was going on? Eventually they stopped after a week or two and everything was smooth sailing.

Well, here we are - about 8 months since I stopped the Zoloft - and now I'm worse than ever, I think. Notice I say "I think" because I really can't even trust myself at this point to make sense with my thoughts.

I don't even know what the hell happened. I had good days and bad days after the Zoloft, I wasn't anxiety free or anything, but it was controllable and I was still able to function fairly normally. I hadn't even had a panic attack since the first week on the Zoloft.

This last week, I've felt as bad as I felt that first week I started the Zoloft. I'm back to being afraid of EVERYTHING. And, yes people, I mean EVERYTHING. You name it, I'm terrified of it. My crazy obsessive thoughts have been on a rampage. Helping my fianceé make dinner the other night, I was looking for a knife to cut up pork and noticed that we have one of those big triangle common serial killer type knives (I'm not a chef so forgive my lack of proper terminology here) and immediately thought to myself, "Oh my god, why do we have this?? What if I use this to kill her? This shouldn't be in here."

Realistically and logically - which I am a man of both or at least USED to be - I completely understand and realize that, should I flip out and kill my fianceé, I can use my hands just as easily as that knife...or any other knife in this house...so I'm being completely ridiculous with my thoughts. I realize they're ridiculous, I realize their not true. I get all this and I tell myself all of this.

But, you know what? My brain and my body just plain don't care. In that tiny small fraction of a second that that thought popped into my head, my body already was well on its way to panic mode and my thoughts were already racing before I even realized it. I stayed in that state of...I don't even know what you can describe it as...for several hours. I was so afraid of myself, so afraid of how I felt, that I actually took an Ativan my doctor prescribed me back when I first started the Zoloft years ago. (On a side note, he prescribed them to help me get through that 5 day panic marathon and I never even took one of them at that time because I knew I would just get through it).

And, yes, I'm afraid of taking medications too. I know a lot of us are, I know that's common. I'm even afraid of taking an Ativan. So, that's just how bad I was feeling and just how afraid I was.

I feel like I need to be locked up somewhere. I feel like I'm some psychopath underneath just waiting to come out. I feel like I need to go see a psychiatrist and tell him exactly what my thoughts are like...so, in the case that I DO do something crazy...at least there will be a record that there's something wrong with me and I'm not just some crazed maniac.

But, you know what? What bothers me more than ANYTHING is this...

How did I go from having just one split second of being afraid to throw up, to years of being afraid to throw up, to now being afraid to throw up plus a million other things including killing myself and other people?!?

I mean, WHAT is that?!? What in the hell is that??

That makes me feel like I'm never going to get better, I'm only going to get worse. And, it makes me feel like anything can happen to me at any time and I'm just at its mercy because I have no control over myself.

I guess that's what's at the heart of this disorder isn't it? We feel like we have absolutely no control of ourselves...that we're just puppets to our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodily reactions. We may know, we may REALLY know and REALLY believe that's not true - how many of us have successfully calmed ourselves down or changed the direction of our thoughts? I know I have! - but, it doesn't matter what we really know and really believe underneath if we can't make it be a reality at all times, especially when we most need it to be.

No one really knows how I suffer. I don't even think my fianceé knows. I'm afraid if I tell her about everything that pops into my head or that I'm constantly worrying about, she will - like I do - begin to think I really AM crazy.

I'm just not myself. I'm not happy with the state that I'm in. I even think I may be starting to suffer from a bit of depression perhaps, which I'm not sure I ever have before. I just feel so hopeless and feel like crying at times...and for no real reason, to boot!

My birthday is tomorrow and I have absolutely no excitement about that whatsoever. None. I'm even dreading our wedding, which is a HUGE source of anxiety for me, since I hate being the center of attention and hate talking and whatnot in front of a group of people. I'm dreading our honeymoon because we're driving 3.5 hours away for a 3 day stay and I hate being away from home. And I just feel sooooooooooooooo, so, so, SO guilty and ashamed for all of this because this should be one of the happiest times of my life - and it should be for my fianceé too. It shouldn't be like this. I just keep thinking how, when it's all over, I'm going to regret feeling this way and not enjoying every moment of it like I want to.

I keep debating CONSTANTLY whether or not I should go back on the Zoloft. What if that first week is even worse this time? (I keep thinking it will be since I'm already in a state of mind that feels worse and I'm not even on anything!) What if the Zoloft doesn't sit as well with me now as it did before and I'm not in good shape at all to get married or go on our honeymoon?

What if this, what if that. I'm so sick of it.

I just don't know what to do.

I don't know if this post is going to help me feel any better. I was hoping it would when I started it, but I don't think I feel any better yet, haha. Hopefully I'll at least hear some good thoughts and good stories from some of you guys to give me something positive to hold onto. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this and who goes through these things. It's so strange though how we feel like we are, isn't it?

Well, thanks for listening, I guess. It was at least good to get things out!

You'll be ok..I promise. Remember to NEVER give up. Love yourself deeply and always try to improve daily.

We have been in your spot. I still am. Maybe you should consider delaying the wedding till you are better. These thoughts also come from usually something you are avoiding or don't want to deal with(the wedding)

Also, I'd ask your fiancee to read up about your condition so she can become more familiar and understand more, if she has not already.

I'd wipe out the zoloft and start on something totally new. Try Lexapro, a lot of us on here take it and like it. do your research.

What is very helpful for most of us is to track your negative thoughts by writing them down and read them till it bores you to death! replace it by writing a positive one. Carry the notebook with you as often as you can, and when you feel anxious, read it. I just started doing this and its helped a lot.

Don't give the thoughts anymore value, they have none.

I hope I helped!!!

Hi Scoopsdad,
You are not alone, I have been where you are. You will be OK. If you have not completed this program, start again. It will help you. It truly has been the best thing I have ever done for myself and my family. If you feel you could afford it, check into the coaching program. It is expensive, but those I have talked to about it, have raved about their success. I believe they try to match your coach to you, they try to find a coach that has had some of the very same issues, so they completely understand where you are coming from. I believe they coach you each week, thru each lesson, and call you.
This would really keep you on track, and then you would have someone to tell your thoughts to. Someone who would really understand.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I so hope you can relax and enjoy your special day.
This is your day, go out and really enjoy it.
When you are up there with your bride. Close everyone out, focus on her, you and her are the only ones there, you are talking with and to her. I sent you a private message, but I think it got lost somewhere. It was really lengthy, telling you my story. I was the same, terrified of everything, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't function, couldn't leave my home. But today is a different story. God and this program helped me so. You can do this. You can recover from this disorder. I have and you will. I can see you are a wonderful, caring, compassionate man, and your fiance loves you so.
You deserve this peace and happiness. You can have it. Just dive back into this program. I wish you the very best. If you ever need a friend just send me a private message. I will be glad to listen.
Love and Prayers
Your New Friend
Angla

Hey thanks, CG822, I appreciate your thoughts!

Yeah, I know you're right - I know I'll be okay. Once I get out of that sickening panic/anxiety frame of mind for a bit, like I am right this minute, I feel good and I know I'll be okay. I know this because I've suffered with this for almost 8 years now and I'm STILL okay.

I've thought too about suggesting to my fianceé that we delay the wedding...but, because the wedding/honeymoon is a source of stress and anxiety, I can't really say when I'll be "better." Plus, my fianceé is just so damn excited, she really deserves that happiness...as do I.

Like I said above, whenever I'm feeling "good" like I am right this minute - the wedding and honeymoon doesn't bother me, I'm looking forward to it. Now if only I had these moments much, much more than I do the negative ones...then I'd be set

I have a friend who was on Lexapro for a few months for anxiety (no panic attacks or anything, just anxiety and getting stuck in negative thinking). She gained about 25 lbs. and it really seemed to affect her moods. She just seemed agitated and grouchy a lot, and seemed to care less about other peoples' feelings. She's on Effexor XR now and says she LOVES it. But...gosh, there's always a "but" with us, huh?...I'm always big on researching medications and it seems Effexor is one of the more difficult to stop taking.

I don't know though. It seems all SSRI's have their own pros and cons - and the fact that all of us reacts differently to them and has different experiences, it makes it difficult to say which is better than another, I suppose.

It always seems like there's just too much to think about all the time. Stupid anxiety anyways.

I wonder what it's like to just be able to relax; just be able to lay around for a bit and enjoy it, watch a movie and enjoy it, spend a whole day being a kid again and just enjoy it. Stupid, stupid anxiety.

Thanks again for your input, I really do appreciate it!

I'd put the wedding on hold for a bit untill you can get your anxiety under control. You want to enjoy it right?! I think it may be adding to your anxiety. I also think you may have a form of ocd i like to call it oct (obsessive compulsive thinking) I have it and it's where you just can't stop some of those stupid thoughts. My doctor recently perscribed me prozac. It's suppose to help with panic,anxiety,depression,ocd etc. and what i hear has very little if any side affects, but yet I to am afraide to take meds so haven't started yet. I do not think you are crazy. I think that sometimes thoughts can be as addicting as smoking. Journal I think that may help.

Well I hope this helped. Best of luck!

Dear scoopsdad,

You are so not alone my friend. The facts are astonishing as to how many people suffer from this form of anxiety. I believe Dawfai expressed it very clearly when she said "thoughts can be as addicting as smoking". Why would be create a habit of thinking scary thoughts? Well, you and me both had an alcoholic as a parent. Wasn't it scary growing up in uncertainty all the time? When I look back at my childhood, I see that I used rituals and other repeating thought patterns to get me through many moments of fear. There were times when I would repeat over and over a happy thought just to feel safe. So here you are at the age of 19 and having to face the reality of being an adult. That is a pretty scary thing. So instead of facing that fear, you created other fears as a habit. This little innocent habit became a trusted friend. In fact, I can bet that as a child when you went to bed at night you were afraid of the dark or the boogyman or something of that nature. If you were like me, you got creative to put yourself out of harms way. Guess what? As an adult, you are feeling the same way. I would think your wedding is causing you a lot of discomfort. So instead of dealing with the relationship issue, the mind goes back to what works. "Create something scary to avoid thinking or dealing with the crisis".

This may or may not be the case with you, but I have been in your shoes. I am 41 years old now and got married at 26. I too felt the same fear s etc as you. I started my own business at 27 and bought my house at the same age. I took Lucinda's program and felt so relieved that I was not the only one with OCT or Pure "O". SOOO many people have these fears, PLEASE understand me when I say, you are not alone. MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of people have been where you are and have completely kicked the "habit". I from time to time will have the habit, but I don't give the thoughts that much weight. The more you weight you give to your thoughts, the more they occupy your "top of mind". Let them pass, know they are just quirky thoughts. Everybody has them from time to time. You are a sensitive loving person that's why these thoughts scare you as they do. I recommend finding something that you can really get into. I recommend a hobby that totally encapsulates you. The break you will receive from your thoughts will come in breaks and clarity will resurface and eventually the thoughts will be silly once again.

You will be fine my friend. Get some spirituality as well. It really has helped me and God is there for all of us. You deserve Gods love as does anyone else.

Zoe

First off, you'd be very surprised to know how many people have a thought like this in their lives. I only trust a couple people that I can tell fully the obsessions I have had. Both times, they fired right back that they had a thought like that before. Perfectly 'normal' people. The difference is we get frightened by it, we turn it into the pink elephant and can't forget it. Why this is, are a number of theories. If I had a dollar for every person I've obsessed about hurting, I'd have a nice stash. But it's just anxiety, people who actually do these things, are not freaking out over these thoughts and are actually making action towards fulfilling them. Regardless, it is what it is, and you either confront it and work at it, or you let it control your life.

Hey Scoopsdad,
My story is very similar to yours in that there was a gradual increase in the anxiety symptoms and the way they increasingly played out in my mind, building into obsessions and what not. My primary obsession was, "what if i hurt my wife,..." this obsession took years to get through as well as, "what if I vomit in public, or at a stop light,.." Your not alone and you will get better but it takes working at it even when you are feeling good, making yourself get anxious intentionally, so that you get comfortable with feeling those panicky feelings and the horrible thoughts that come with it. Of course you might feel depressed at times, look at the mental war you have to face some days. I too was not wanting to take meds but i got to a point that I needed a break and that break let me catch my breath and not obsess so much. The hard thing is finding the right med and thats different for everybody, depending on your physiology. you may want to try a different med, I was on Paxil for about six months but then I tried Prozac and WOW!!!!!! I stayed on the med for about a year and hav'nt been on it since, but talk to your doctor about trying another med, finding the right one really helps. Listen to the program again and again, you dont have to do everything perfect in it but slowley youll pick clues, and great quotes from people on the tapes, and see that many people do experience the same things with anxiety disorders, SEEING THAT REPETITIVE THOUGHT PATTERN is what got me trough panic, anxiety, and pure O, keeping workin at it, Itll get better.