Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 7:38 pm
All my life I've loved women,I remember specifically the first sexual thought I ever had about a specific person. t was this substitute teacher I had in like 2nd or 3rd grade. She was from Ireland and had this long beautiful red hair. I don't even wanna get started on the legs.... Anyway I've had OCD as long as I can remember, I used to walk down to this used record store about a half mile from my house and every time i stepped on a crack in the sidewalk or a space in between sidewalk panels I'd then have to step on the next crack with the opposite foot as the one before it. I once had this fear that I sold my soul, and in order to calm that obsession I started repeating "I don't want to sell my soul I love Jesus" and this created a new obsession.... saying "I don't want to sell my soul I love Jesus" over and over and over and over. That one landed me in my first psychologists chair. I once obsessed that I might have AIDS, this was very odd seeing as I had never had a sexual encounter at this point in my life thus making this a virtually impossibility. When the big Mad cow disease scare happened in the 90's I feared I had ecoli poisoning and would actually stop myself from going to the bathroom for fear of having blood in my stool. Also, I've had the obsessive thoughts about hurting myself or others.
A few weeks ago I became very ill with a stomach virus, and having GERD it was especially terrible. I couldn't eat, I was so tired, and I had no desire for sex. As I started to get better my friends wanted to come over because they hadn't seen me in almost 2 weeks. While they were over I got an awkward sexual thought in my head concerning one of them, it made me so uncomfortable and anxious that I told them I wasn't feeling well and asked them to leave. Since then I've been playing these homo-erotic images in my mind trying to figure out weather I was gay or not. In the past I had images like this go through my mind, and they immediately would make me grimace. Now, I constantly question everything I do to see if it makes me gay. From the way I talk to the way I stand and walk. The way I hold my arms, the way I look at other people, the way I do nearly everything. It's debilitating, and the anxiety gets so bad sometimes that I have no choice but to break down and cry. Sometimes the images persist so long that I become physically sickened by them, to where I'm gagging or actually vomiting. I can't look at my male friends without trying to see whether or not I'm attracted to them. There had been times in the past when I was having sex and the girl wanted me to finish, so I would close my eyes and try to think of things that would make me finish, like pornstars doing perverted things and such. There had been times that imagined homosexual things to help me as well. I know his doesn't make me gay, but it fuels my current obsession. I've always had a sexual obsession, I constantly looked at porn and masturbated. I had an obsession with taboo things in general, incest porn, animal porn, anal porn. Never gay porn though, that just made me feel awkward, as do they gay thoughts. I just don't know what to do anymore with it, I'm actually almost convincing myself that I've always been gay and I just hid it deep down. This can't be true though, because I've always loved women, and wanted girls to find me attractive. No amount of reassurance seems to help though. This makes sex less satisfying now because I constantly question and test myself during it. The constant testing and checking I do in my mind is driving me batty. Please someone out there help me, it's causing me so much anxiety and depression that I sometimes feel that I don't want to live anymore.
A few weeks ago I became very ill with a stomach virus, and having GERD it was especially terrible. I couldn't eat, I was so tired, and I had no desire for sex. As I started to get better my friends wanted to come over because they hadn't seen me in almost 2 weeks. While they were over I got an awkward sexual thought in my head concerning one of them, it made me so uncomfortable and anxious that I told them I wasn't feeling well and asked them to leave. Since then I've been playing these homo-erotic images in my mind trying to figure out weather I was gay or not. In the past I had images like this go through my mind, and they immediately would make me grimace. Now, I constantly question everything I do to see if it makes me gay. From the way I talk to the way I stand and walk. The way I hold my arms, the way I look at other people, the way I do nearly everything. It's debilitating, and the anxiety gets so bad sometimes that I have no choice but to break down and cry. Sometimes the images persist so long that I become physically sickened by them, to where I'm gagging or actually vomiting. I can't look at my male friends without trying to see whether or not I'm attracted to them. There had been times in the past when I was having sex and the girl wanted me to finish, so I would close my eyes and try to think of things that would make me finish, like pornstars doing perverted things and such. There had been times that imagined homosexual things to help me as well. I know his doesn't make me gay, but it fuels my current obsession. I've always had a sexual obsession, I constantly looked at porn and masturbated. I had an obsession with taboo things in general, incest porn, animal porn, anal porn. Never gay porn though, that just made me feel awkward, as do they gay thoughts. I just don't know what to do anymore with it, I'm actually almost convincing myself that I've always been gay and I just hid it deep down. This can't be true though, because I've always loved women, and wanted girls to find me attractive. No amount of reassurance seems to help though. This makes sex less satisfying now because I constantly question and test myself during it. The constant testing and checking I do in my mind is driving me batty. Please someone out there help me, it's causing me so much anxiety and depression that I sometimes feel that I don't want to live anymore.
You are not alone! I too have had these obsessive thoughts, but mine seem to change. One week I will be freaked out that I am getting schizophrenia, then the next it will be something totally different. I seem to question everything about myself. There are lots of other posts on here about HOCD...you should check them out...they have really helped me. Check out ocdonline.com...go to articles by Dr. Steven Phillipson and read "I think it moved"...it is very helpful! Just remember...these are toughts...only thoughts! And EVERYONE has odd thoughts! Also, I did a study in college about physical attraction. In my research, I found some articles that talked about people's attention to possible mates and possible rivals. They results of the study showed that people give just as much attention to rivals if not more than they do to possible mates! So it's ok to check out people of the same sex! You're just sizing yourself up! Take care and feel better! We are all here for you!