Need Advice - Being Assertive to Hurtful Behavior

MinnChad · Post by **MinnChad** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 4:17 am

I need some advice on how to tackle a situation at work. I'm one of the only men that works in the office at my company, I'm the
computer guy. Well, it turns out that a one of the girls here (Jessica) was attracted to me and came on rather
strongly only a few weeks after I started, however, she came on in front of two of her friends as they
were all going down to lunch and waiting by the elevator. What she did was kind of got in my way to
stop me. This put me in a very uncomfortable situation because;

1) I was new
2) I'm shy as it is
3) She did it right in front of her friends.

I felt that it was a very embarrasing situation.
I decided to talk to her and maybe ask her out despite her forwardness. I never really
got to that point because I was going back and forth on whether it was a good idea or not, I mean, I
sit right next to her.

So she seems like a really sweet girl, I ended up giving her a present that I won at a little company raffle
that I knew she wanted, but I delayed about a week to give it to her becase, again, I wasn't sure if
it was a good idea. I gather from things that I overheard that I was 'wrong' to have waited at all.
I ended up giving it to her when she was away from her desk, and adressed it to her cats (she loves her cats).
The mood in the office changed, she emailed me thank you and that's the end of that.

Here's where it gets ugly. I think she was dissapointed a few times when I didn't ask her out.
I gather from the looks her best friend gave me that whe was. Apparently they put me 'in the wrong' and, while
I know I've done nothing wrong, they think I have. One friend in particular really seems to hate me, she is
an artificial, high maintenance type of girl. She has been being rude to me and saying ugly things. One
time she cut right in front of me while I was helping someone with a computer issue. I confronted her on it and
told her that I thought it was rude and 'how would she like if I did it to her' (I think I have the program to thank for that, I might not have confronted her otherwise).

Besides that, other women around here have been making fun of my name (I think as a result of my 'wrong doing' to Jessica).
It's hurtful and angering and digs up the past and my unkind childhood when they do this.

Here comes the question.
How do I not get angry or hurt from these seemingly purposeful attacks and would it be worth confronting some of these people on this.
Ultimately, I'll probably make up my own mind, but the thing is,
I'm afraid if I confront some of these women, things will only get worse.

I apoligize for the long story and if you've gotten this far thanks for reading.

Lilly_Light · Post by **Lilly_Light** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 4:34 am

Minn,
Jessica's behavior in the beginning (i.e. cutting you off when you were going to get into the elevator at work) could be construed as sexual harrasment which, in most work places, is not tolerated. I think the definition of sexual harassment is any behavior, of a sexual nature or intent, that causes the recieving party to be uncomfortable and unable to do his/her job properly. That seems to fit here, as you seem justifiably uncomfortable and angry with your coworkers' behavior. Is there some way that you can address this with your boss or supervisor if you aren't able to resolve it on your own?

Lilly_Light

searching4answers · Post by **searching4answers** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 4:57 am

First ask yourself if you are interested in dating this girl. From what you've written, it sounds like you aren't. I have always allowed my friends to "pick me" I never really set out to to seek the ones I really wanted and went along life passively. Sometimes when women group together or form cliques, they do it out of fear. In a pack they have more courage. It sounds like you need a little laughter. This reminds me of a story I heard a while ago. Did you know that pea****s are smart? Once a pea**** was attacked and intimidated by a neighborhood dog. It left the area in full retreat and disgrace. Later that day it came back with a large group of its pea**** friends. The dog had to run for its life. Also keep in mind you must be a very important person for the girls to take so much time to think of things/situations just to aggravate you.

searching4answers · Post by **searching4answers** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:05 am

This is so funny, I didn't realize there is a filter in this site. To clarify the post above. The pea with the **** following after it, is a bird. But also could be a part of a male's unmentionable anatomy.

MinnChad · Post by **MinnChad** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:17 am

Yes, I saw that. I know what bird you're talking about, but I've never seen one just wandering around a neighborhood

Thank you for that last line. I guess if she takes time to talk about me behind my back, I mean something to her.

Although, lookingforansers, I don't think being passive is the right way to go about life.

Five Point · Post by **Five Point** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:44 am

Minn,

I work with a 95% male work force. And it wasn't until this last maybe 20 yrs that women have actually been somewhat accepted into this field that I work in.

It sounds like to me, that Jessica likes you and unfortunately she and some of her friends may have mistaken some of your actions for affection towards her.

If you don't think you can have a one on one conversation with her and be friends, then you may have to go to a supervisor and call a meeting.

I have had to do that before.

searching4answers · Post by **searching4answers** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:47 am

I am so glad you mentioned being passive. I was worried, since you stated you were shy, that you would go out with her for the wrong reasons. I had to end many unhealthy relationships because of this. You have many options on how to handle the current situation. One is to just ask "Why are you doing this?" and wait for them to reply. This might make them stop and think about what they are doing and you might also discover where they are coming from. Making fun of your name is so childish. When she starts that just say "It angers me when you say that. I don't think its funny and I'm asking you to stop" I am sorry you don't believe in pea****s, we had one in our neighborhood. His name was "pete", he had a crush on lawnmowers. One of our neighbors told me the story of the pea****'s revenge. Your feelings are important and should be expressed.

MinnChad · Post by **MinnChad** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 3:28 pm

"Why are you doing this" and "It angers me when you say that. I don't think it's funny and I'm asking you to stop" are both great! Thank you.

I actually confronted the 'ring leader' today when nobody else was around and I said "It bothers me when you make fun of my name, please stop". She was absolutely shocked! She started trying to stumble her way out of it, I see that it made her defensive

I was elated afterwards and can smile about it now.

It's true, assertive people ARE intimidating!

Everyone who reads this, just go for it! Set a plan into action and stick with it! You'll feel better and cleaner afterwards, it's your right to do it!

Moontale · Post by **Moontale** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:50 pm

I got the impression that you liked her at the first post, if that is what it is I would focus on her and less on her friends........just tell her you are shy but she worst the risk to tell her she is cute.........and if you don't like her you could make a casual comment like I think you are very nice if I wouldn't be interested in a different person you would worst the risk to come out my shyness personality.....I don't know, just an idea. So that way they realize you are shy and that's all.
Good Luck!