is this being assertive?

[scaredygrl]

did i mention that, while super sick at her house, she made me sleep on the FLOOR? she wouldn't even give me a bed, even tho there were 2 empty ones in the house, which was yet another reason why i couldn't go back there once i was discharged from the hospital.

[hope4peace]

grl,

I would suggest staying away from you MIL. You don't have to have her like you and you don't have to have her in your life, nor does your husband. The way I see it is, we were born to our parents if they are parents who truly try and mostly do the right thing then yes we can continue on with a relationship, if they are outright malicious, hurtful and manipulative then you can choose not to associate with them. If you and your husband feel comfortable cutting her off from your lives then that sounds like a perfectly sane decision to me. It sounds to me like your MIL needs some intense therapy and you should not have to subject yourself to her mind games and tourment. Your peace of mind and health is important. Take care.

[bash_man]

Hi scaredy. I am currently in session 9 on Guilt and worry. The one thing I remember from this session was Lucinda talking about allowing people to manipulate you and push your buttons. Your mother in law seems to be able to do that with you. It comes from the type of person she is. She seems very unhappy with herself and tends to treat you this way to feel better about herself. My mother was kind of the same. I say was because she has made some positive changes of late. And I think a lot of that (not to brag) has to do with my example of a more whole person. Eventhough I still have a long way to go. But that's why I'm here. There are skills in this program that have helped me in our relationship . Some stands I have had to take with her. It does sound like you are in a much more difficult situation, but these skills are for you as well. My hope is that you can stay the course and hopefully, eventually you will gain her respect. And show love to her, hard as it is. Because that is what she's really crying out for. God bless.

[drg]

Hi, scaredygrl! I didn't have time to read all of the replies to your post, so I hope my response isn't totally out of line. I was married for 18 years to a man who was extremely abusive, every way--mostly with verbal abuse, mental abuse and control. His mother was and still is a major controller. (He moved back in with her when I threw him out and they're quite happy together). Anyway, I would suggest that you check out the book, "Approval Addiction" by Joyce Meyer. From some of the things you had written in your post, it sounds like you are a people pleaser--like I used to be. I just sincerely hope that your husband doesn't have any of the control issues that your mother-in-law has. I learned a lot from the book by Joyce. She talks about assertiveness, how to deal with controllers and lots of other good stuff. I hope this helps you out.

[Barb G.]

Although this thread was started quite a while ago, I just read it for the first time. Scaredy your MIL sounds much like mom. Altho my Mom certainly is NOT that mad. Made you sleep on the floor when you were so sick...no, my mom would NOT do that. This has made me see my mom has shown love to me in diff. ways it's just the constant repetion of things she thinks I've done wrong over and over throughout the years that I said "no more" on June 7 (day before her 76th birthday) She lives summers here in WI and winters in FL. She went back to FL early Oct. I mailed her our family photo we just had taken since when my daughter and I were out there in April the photo of our family was so old my son was prob. 12 and he's now 29. My birthday was Oct. 24 (no birthday card, didn't expect one since I gave her nothing) but she now sent a postcard saying thank you for the picture, it was v.nice." She signed it her first and last name, not Mom. So now what? Her anniversary is tomorrow. I sent no card. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. My husband says we're better off without her. My aunt says "Barb, you've tried all these years" but I like you Scaredy have the what ifs. What if she dies? Mostly I replay the funeral in my mind and you know what the biggest thing is?....What will everyone think? Yes "drg" I am a people pleaser. I have that Joyce Meyer book and prob. should take it out again. I bought it before going to FL in April to see her and yes, that trip was a BIG PROBLEM LIKE ALWAYS. Some things never change. But I need advice. Will some of you please give me some.

[NinjaFrodo]

hey if she is being hurtful you don't have to put up with that. By stating how you feel you aren't making an attack, you are being conciderate with her feelings and how can you be blamed for that? Don't feel guilty either, why should you? again she isn't concerned with how you feel so why should you be concerned about her reaction?

Typically its best to chat about these things in person and this might sound strange but invite her to have a chat when your ready and talk about how you feel but in this case that seems almost impossible. If she isn't appreciating what your doing for her then stop doing those things because they aren't getting you anywhere with them and it seems are a complete waste of time. I think you should write a letter stating how you don't appreciate what has been said to you, state how you felt after certain comments were made to you and state what your goals are with the letter. It seems like you want to connect with them so badly, let them know that.

Write on a cue card some things to remember about yourself and not to let someone manipulate you, some empowering statements and place them by the phone in case she does call and when she tries insulting you, you can read those statements in your head (things that say i refuse to be manipulated, this is only her opinion) and let her know you don't appreciate the way she talks to you and that it makes you feel bad. If she responds negatively then repeat yourself and if she keeps going either tell her if she's going to talk to you that way then your ending the convo or just hangup.

Mike

[Barb G.]

So Mike you were probably replying to Scaredygirl but it applies to me as well. As far as the letter thing or saying how I was hurt neither one worked. I can't tell you of all the pain of letter writing. If I ever say I was hurt she goes into a rage saying over and over how I hurt her. I met with her at McDonalds last yr.thinking a public place we wouldn't yell at each other. Can you believe this, she stuck out her tongue at me. I walked out the parking lot and said, "Mother grow up!" She said something else and I totally lost it. I said "I never want to see you again, not even at your own funeral." That was last yr. This year because I wanted to go out to eat for Mother's Day instead of having it at my house she threw it in my face over and over that I couldn't even have her over on Mother's Day. There was much more to all this but no point burdening everyone here. I guess the more I write, the more I think, "and why would I want to go back to that again?" I'm her only child you'd think it would be different. She doesn't need me, she's got her grandchildren now. Guess there was something I did right for her after all. So the holidays are coming. I struggle every year. My husband says there must be something way in the past why I have such a hard time. I should start a forum on holidays cus that's a whole new topic in itself. Well, I've said enough!

[NinjaFrodo]

sounds like you weren't truely ready, my advice is to start small with being assertive, being with people on forums or well online the build your way up.

Mike

[I want out, ban me!!!]

When my dad died I read his chart and where it said "how do you deal with stress?" he wrote "I walk away from it." Well that didn't work because my mom would follow him and keep on yelling. Once he went out onto my back porch and vomited--that is how bad she was. There was never money for what I needed for school or even to get driven to school by a car pool. It was an hour walk each way with no sidewalk and it would not have been bad if any one else was walking but I was the only one in the winter who had to wear snowboots all day long in school when ever other girl was in heels. Finally when I was about 50 and she started in on how hard she had it, I said "How come we ALWAYS had money for YOUR cigarettes and YOUR candy bars?" She ate 6 Hersheys a night. She is dead now and I am still glad I got that childhood anger out of me.

Maybe your husband could pick mom up for Christmas and then take her home when you had enough. If she drives herself she won't leave until she knows she has ruined your day.

[Gman5256]

omg you slept on the floor?sounds like your family and husbands are completely different bachgrounds. write or call her. better yet go to her house. tell her you will have noyhing to do with her. tell her to quit sending mail to your husband at the office.tell you husband he is going with you. husband tells her when she learns how to love instead of hate,then call you and the 3 of you can talk about it.good luck,anita