hi all,
i need advice as to how to handle my current situation w/my in laws in an assertive way.
the first 3 years that i knew them, i worked really really really really hard to get them to like me. my wedding to their son was all about what they wanted, and i did all this stuff for them - sent them thoughtful gifts, researched their family history and sent them booklets on it (that took me months and months to do) - but they never called the house, they never sent thank you cards for any of it - nothing. they have been very very rude to me each time i've visited w/them - even denying me medical attention when i was a guest at their house and developed pneumonia - husband and i had to call an ambulance because they would not take me in to the doctor! and they've done countless other awful things) well, this past xmas i sent them all thoughtful gifts - most of which i made by hand - and they sent me nothing in return. and, by this time, they hadn't spoken to me since the day before my wedding (mother in law was really angry w/me on my wedding day - tho i still don't have any idea why). i was hurt that they ignored me this past xmas, and thought that maybe it's time for me to give up on trying so hard w/them.
then we got a call a few mos ago from MIL on my husband's birthday. tho her call was initially veiled as a 'happy bday' call, it quickly turned into her crying and yelling about me - how crappy i am, how i'm stealing him away from her and their family, how my family is terrible (she does not know my family, and they are awesomely sweet), and how we lied to her (when we did not) and that i hate her, etc etc. all of which was really crazy and mean. and now i'm deciding that it's looong overdue for me to be assertive.
i guess the hard part is that she is my husband's mother. i don't want to do/say anything that i'll regret, but i refuse to be treated like this anymore. currently, my husband and i do not speak w/them anymore. last week MIL send my husband an easter card (she sends everything to his office because she doesn't want me to see it or something) and i get the feeling that they are choosing to act like i don't exist.
what should i do? i thought i'd just return the favor and act as if they don't exist, too - no more thoughtful gifts, no more visits to their home, no more bothering w/them. and i will not invite them into my home either. is this being assertive? i don't really know if this is enough to constitute standing up for myself.
is this being assertive?
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~*schnauzermom*~
- Posts: 183
- Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2005 9:24 pm
I am so sorry you are being treated in that manner by your MIL. Mine treats me like I am not worthy, she is the only person that does good things, important events, she constantly boasts about herself and puts other down in words, treatment, innuendos, whatever it takes. I do not appreciate it. I have said my peace to her very tactfully and she will not tread on me no more, she knows this. I do not go out of my way for her, to spend time with her...nothing. I will not even buy her b-day card. She acts nice then ended up stabbing me in the back by the way she treated me. I told my husband I was DONE! He knows how his mom is, so he completely understands. I do not let what she does or does not do bother me. We do have to get together for some family functions...I just do not give her any time, attention, credit...I make myself busy with anything...just as long as I do not have to have a conversation one on one with her. I know I will never be good enough for "her" as I am not German, but she holds little in my eye cause the way she is, so I do not let her bother me. I just rather spend my time more positively, contructively enjoy other family members company. I too do not invite...my house, my choice and my husband supports me on this. I personally do not see it as being assertive...this in my case is a way I am able to keep the peace within the family and not cause a meltdown. Somethings can be worked various ways, not this. Not in my case. I love my father in-law and I do not want to cause him conflict, so I need to tread ever so lightly with this. But, if my FIL was like my MIL, I would not have any reservations to cut them off from my life. I deserve to be happy, with or without them. You cannot choose your IL's, but if it is a toxic relationship that makes you feel bad, there are decisions that need to be made. Tell your husband, be open...I know it helped my situation as my hubby clearly saw what was going on. Having your spouse see, understand and support can help you feel better, like you are not overracting. (I at first thought I was and did not say anything, but then I talked to hubby and he said she was that way to his ex-wife as well.) I guess some people will not change! Good luck! I do feel for you, I am right there with you. You are in control of the situation, take care of your needs cause clearly MIL is not going to care how you feel. Take care, LizB
"Afterall, everybody only hears what he understands." by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Hi Scardygirl,
I don't care if they are your in-laws, you do not deserve to be treated that way. You MIL has major problems, which is not your problem. I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything for them, but I would not be rude or hurtful to them. How does your husband feel about this? He should stand by you on this and let his family know that he will not tolerate anymore rude and hateful behavior toward you. Neither of you owe them anything. They are creating the problem, so let them resolve it. Live your lives, be happy together.
You sound like a very caring and thoughtful person who has been horribly emotionally abused by your in-laws. Taking a stand is being assertive. You go girl.....you deserve love and respect..... nothing less.
Quietfire
I don't care if they are your in-laws, you do not deserve to be treated that way. You MIL has major problems, which is not your problem. I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything for them, but I would not be rude or hurtful to them. How does your husband feel about this? He should stand by you on this and let his family know that he will not tolerate anymore rude and hateful behavior toward you. Neither of you owe them anything. They are creating the problem, so let them resolve it. Live your lives, be happy together.
You sound like a very caring and thoughtful person who has been horribly emotionally abused by your in-laws. Taking a stand is being assertive. You go girl.....you deserve love and respect..... nothing less.
Quietfire
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Justin O. Pinyon
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2003 3:00 am
Scaredygrl,
You’ve had some great replies from those who have/are experiencing difficult MIL’s and while I can’t speak to having a MIL that’s out of control (I had a wonderful MIL), I thought I could share some thoughts on the act of being assertive...my take on what I’ve learned anyway.
I think being assertive relates to making decisions, then taking actions...decisions and actions that support our own best interests and well-being...decisions and actions that ultimately help us regain some amount of control over how we choose to react. That’s part one. Part two is...we do this for ourselves, without attempting to control the decisions and actions of other people and we do this for ourselves without trying to intentionally hurt other people. Part three is...once 'we say what we mean and mean what we say...then we drop it.' (Not so much ‘dropping it’ meaning that we never say another word about it with the person we are being assertive with...but more about ‘dropping it’ in that we don’t hold on to the pain or anger or guilt and worry after taking the action; ‘dropping it’ by not obsessing over if we said enough or too much or obsessing over whether the person could see us shaking or did we come off weaker than we meant to and more along those kinds of lines. (For me...’dropping it’ has been the part of being assertive that has required the most work and I think it comes by continuing to work on all the skills in this program.)
So...whatever decisions you make and whatever actions you take starting now...ask yourself things like, “Am I doing this to help myself and support my well-being...or am I doing this with the expectation that it changes my MIL’s actions and decisions in some way? Am I doing this next thing because it makes me most comfortable...or am I trying to make my MIL most uncomfortable? Do I feel I need to tell her something in order for me to drop it and move forward...or do I feel I need to tell her something because I know it will return the pain she’s caused me? Is it for my gain or for her loss? If your answer is yes to the first part of those questions...and you do only as much as is needed to allow you to drop it and move forward, and you stick close to the kind and caring person that you are...I’d say you're heading in a healthy direction for you with your assertiveness attempts.
As with everything else in this program...try and link what you are learning about assertiveness, with the others skills you are learning in the program. For example...assertiveness and black and white thinking: When I start making use of my new assertiveness skills...am I expecting the situation to go from horrible to wonderful? And see...I couldn’t even type that thought without bringing in the lesson on “Expectations”! So linking what we’ve learned about Expectations with Assertiveness (Do I expect this to solve the problem right away? Are my expectations reasonable? Can I expect to feel pride when I stand up for myself...expect myself to be scared at first? That sort of thing.) Linking Positive Self-Talk with Assertiveness (I am not a bad person just because I stand up for myself. My self-esteem is important to me. I earn peoples respect and I expect them to earn mine.)
When we first learn and start exercising our new assertiveness skills...I think we can tend to naturally hold high expectations and maybe we even tend to go a little overboard at first and at some point...we may step back and say, “Perhaps I was being more aggressive than assertive now that I look back on it.” But that is okay...it’s part of the learning process and don’t you let that stop you at this point. We are in a process of learning about and exercising what is good for us and making long overdue changes for us. And the only way we can make these changes is by loosening the grip of our self-doubt in the beginning; giving it our best shot in the present moment and trusting that we know what is right for us; or at least trusting that if we don’t yet know...that we are more capable of figuring it out than those who treat us poorly (We are our own safe person in other words) This doesn’t happen overnight...so give yourself time and be supportive of your efforts...cut yourself some slack and allow for some mistakes (And boy am I talking directly to myself right now with that one...lol!)
As I’m typing this...I see what a metaphor this is for the whole entire program...how interesting! My last thoughts would be...probably the more appropriately assertive we are being...the less explaining we fill compelled to do. The program talks about not feeling the need to explain our every action when we are being assertive, and again, it’s not about what we owe someone else, but what we owe ourselves. When some explanation is appropriate...than assertiveness is more about explaining what we are doing...than explaining why we are doing it.
My suggestion would be to try and not expect wide sweeping changes from your first assertiveness attempts. The changes you want and need to happen for you, are not likely to come from being assertive once or twice...but by easing into and developing a pattern of assertiveness that will begin to establish what you are and are no longer willing to do at the cost of your emotional health. Thinking this way too, will take off some pressure of feeling like you need to say a lot of things that have gone unsaid...and will eliminate any fears of saying too much the first time and causing yourself regret and self-doubt. Again...a metaphor for the program...it’s okay for us to start small, test the waters, not expect ourselves to be perfect or get it all right and over and done with just by making one change.
I think when it works best, assertiveness is all about taking more control over our actions and reactions...both externally and internally...than it is about skillfully coercing a person into treating us less like dirt. Don’t try and accomplish too much with your first assertive decision and action...I think this is an important lesson I experienced and learned after having gone thru the program. This will give both you and those you are beginning to be assertive with...a little time to get used to the change in you and just might make the process a little more comfortable for yourself...and that is the goal right?!!
My best
JOP
You’ve had some great replies from those who have/are experiencing difficult MIL’s and while I can’t speak to having a MIL that’s out of control (I had a wonderful MIL), I thought I could share some thoughts on the act of being assertive...my take on what I’ve learned anyway.
I think being assertive relates to making decisions, then taking actions...decisions and actions that support our own best interests and well-being...decisions and actions that ultimately help us regain some amount of control over how we choose to react. That’s part one. Part two is...we do this for ourselves, without attempting to control the decisions and actions of other people and we do this for ourselves without trying to intentionally hurt other people. Part three is...once 'we say what we mean and mean what we say...then we drop it.' (Not so much ‘dropping it’ meaning that we never say another word about it with the person we are being assertive with...but more about ‘dropping it’ in that we don’t hold on to the pain or anger or guilt and worry after taking the action; ‘dropping it’ by not obsessing over if we said enough or too much or obsessing over whether the person could see us shaking or did we come off weaker than we meant to and more along those kinds of lines. (For me...’dropping it’ has been the part of being assertive that has required the most work and I think it comes by continuing to work on all the skills in this program.)
So...whatever decisions you make and whatever actions you take starting now...ask yourself things like, “Am I doing this to help myself and support my well-being...or am I doing this with the expectation that it changes my MIL’s actions and decisions in some way? Am I doing this next thing because it makes me most comfortable...or am I trying to make my MIL most uncomfortable? Do I feel I need to tell her something in order for me to drop it and move forward...or do I feel I need to tell her something because I know it will return the pain she’s caused me? Is it for my gain or for her loss? If your answer is yes to the first part of those questions...and you do only as much as is needed to allow you to drop it and move forward, and you stick close to the kind and caring person that you are...I’d say you're heading in a healthy direction for you with your assertiveness attempts.
As with everything else in this program...try and link what you are learning about assertiveness, with the others skills you are learning in the program. For example...assertiveness and black and white thinking: When I start making use of my new assertiveness skills...am I expecting the situation to go from horrible to wonderful? And see...I couldn’t even type that thought without bringing in the lesson on “Expectations”! So linking what we’ve learned about Expectations with Assertiveness (Do I expect this to solve the problem right away? Are my expectations reasonable? Can I expect to feel pride when I stand up for myself...expect myself to be scared at first? That sort of thing.) Linking Positive Self-Talk with Assertiveness (I am not a bad person just because I stand up for myself. My self-esteem is important to me. I earn peoples respect and I expect them to earn mine.)
When we first learn and start exercising our new assertiveness skills...I think we can tend to naturally hold high expectations and maybe we even tend to go a little overboard at first and at some point...we may step back and say, “Perhaps I was being more aggressive than assertive now that I look back on it.” But that is okay...it’s part of the learning process and don’t you let that stop you at this point. We are in a process of learning about and exercising what is good for us and making long overdue changes for us. And the only way we can make these changes is by loosening the grip of our self-doubt in the beginning; giving it our best shot in the present moment and trusting that we know what is right for us; or at least trusting that if we don’t yet know...that we are more capable of figuring it out than those who treat us poorly (We are our own safe person in other words) This doesn’t happen overnight...so give yourself time and be supportive of your efforts...cut yourself some slack and allow for some mistakes (And boy am I talking directly to myself right now with that one...lol!)
As I’m typing this...I see what a metaphor this is for the whole entire program...how interesting! My last thoughts would be...probably the more appropriately assertive we are being...the less explaining we fill compelled to do. The program talks about not feeling the need to explain our every action when we are being assertive, and again, it’s not about what we owe someone else, but what we owe ourselves. When some explanation is appropriate...than assertiveness is more about explaining what we are doing...than explaining why we are doing it.
My suggestion would be to try and not expect wide sweeping changes from your first assertiveness attempts. The changes you want and need to happen for you, are not likely to come from being assertive once or twice...but by easing into and developing a pattern of assertiveness that will begin to establish what you are and are no longer willing to do at the cost of your emotional health. Thinking this way too, will take off some pressure of feeling like you need to say a lot of things that have gone unsaid...and will eliminate any fears of saying too much the first time and causing yourself regret and self-doubt. Again...a metaphor for the program...it’s okay for us to start small, test the waters, not expect ourselves to be perfect or get it all right and over and done with just by making one change.
I think when it works best, assertiveness is all about taking more control over our actions and reactions...both externally and internally...than it is about skillfully coercing a person into treating us less like dirt. Don’t try and accomplish too much with your first assertive decision and action...I think this is an important lesson I experienced and learned after having gone thru the program. This will give both you and those you are beginning to be assertive with...a little time to get used to the change in you and just might make the process a little more comfortable for yourself...and that is the goal right?!!
My best
JOP
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scaredygrl
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 4:31 pm
wow - thanks to everyone for the replies!
i really liked what you said about not going overboard or expecting too much. that really helps me to define exactly what my goals are.
i think that what i want from this is to protect myself. i want to only allow people in my life that are going to treat me respectfully - the way i deserve to be treated. so i suppose telling off MIL will not necessarily accomplish that goal, but choosing to no longer deal w/her probably would.
i also like what you said about not ruminating over it. geez, i'm constantly ruminating over this. i want to make a decision, then DROP IT. so...perhaps i will write it down here and then really make an effort to not deal w/it anymore.
i'm just not going to deal w/her. i'm not going to listen to anything negative that comes my way from her - or from her thru the grapevine. i will politely but firmly say, 'i really don't care to hear what negative things MIL has to say about me' and then leave it at that. if she sends something or calls, i will not respond. if she attacks me verbally to others, i will not respond. i'm not going to send any more gifts, or cards, or photos, or whatever. i think that will protect myself w/out any unneccessary retaliation.
but what about my husband in all of this? i feel that my MIL prob has sort of turned into a husband prob - you know, because he didn't really protect me from her nasty wrath, and now i've got a bit of a problem w/that. but, as far as what to do about MIL, i guess just shutting her out is my best choice. because, yeah, i worked really hard for them to like me. and what did they ever do to get me to like them? nothing. they went out of their way to be terrible to me. and i deserve better than that.
i really liked what you said about not going overboard or expecting too much. that really helps me to define exactly what my goals are.
i think that what i want from this is to protect myself. i want to only allow people in my life that are going to treat me respectfully - the way i deserve to be treated. so i suppose telling off MIL will not necessarily accomplish that goal, but choosing to no longer deal w/her probably would.
i also like what you said about not ruminating over it. geez, i'm constantly ruminating over this. i want to make a decision, then DROP IT. so...perhaps i will write it down here and then really make an effort to not deal w/it anymore.
i'm just not going to deal w/her. i'm not going to listen to anything negative that comes my way from her - or from her thru the grapevine. i will politely but firmly say, 'i really don't care to hear what negative things MIL has to say about me' and then leave it at that. if she sends something or calls, i will not respond. if she attacks me verbally to others, i will not respond. i'm not going to send any more gifts, or cards, or photos, or whatever. i think that will protect myself w/out any unneccessary retaliation.
but what about my husband in all of this? i feel that my MIL prob has sort of turned into a husband prob - you know, because he didn't really protect me from her nasty wrath, and now i've got a bit of a problem w/that. but, as far as what to do about MIL, i guess just shutting her out is my best choice. because, yeah, i worked really hard for them to like me. and what did they ever do to get me to like them? nothing. they went out of their way to be terrible to me. and i deserve better than that.
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scaredygrl
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 4:31 pm
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Stressless in Tn
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2005 3:56 pm
WOW! Such wonderful replies to this problem. If the person that wrote about assertiveness isn't working for StressCenter.com they should be. 
I am sorry for what you have gone thru scaredygrl, but I love your attitude and focus. You sound so healthy in your thinking. Sound like a very nice person who thankfully has had enough. Time to be nice to yourself. I've experienced similar actions by people in my life and took it for too long. It really damages you. I too have put a stop to the grapevine "helpers". Some people seem to feed off of coming to you as a "friend" and sharing hurtful things with you. Wish you the best. I'm going to go back and reread the post about assertiveness.
I am sorry for what you have gone thru scaredygrl, but I love your attitude and focus. You sound so healthy in your thinking. Sound like a very nice person who thankfully has had enough. Time to be nice to yourself. I've experienced similar actions by people in my life and took it for too long. It really damages you. I too have put a stop to the grapevine "helpers". Some people seem to feed off of coming to you as a "friend" and sharing hurtful things with you. Wish you the best. I'm going to go back and reread the post about assertiveness.-
Justin O. Pinyon
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2003 3:00 am
Scaredygrl,
Something we all seem to do is to get caught up in thinking too far ahead. You have some ideas about how to make some changes concerning your MIL situation...that’s a great starting point. The other’s who have responded to you, those who have felt your situation more than I have, they may have more useful thoughts to share as far as your husband is concerned. My thinking from the outside would be...maybe consider that phrase about us 'being our own safe person'? You made past choices and your husband has made past choices and at the moment...you are thinking about being more assertive and making changes to your past choices.
Perhaps in finding ways not to beat yourself up over the choices you’ve made in the past with this situation...you can look for some legitimate ways to try and not beat your husband up too much over his past choices...and kind of allow that you are starting a new process here...that you understand a little better what you want for yourself and for you and your husband...you have a little better understanding of how you’re going to go about making the changes...and so maybe give it some time, to see what types of changes your changing brings forth in both yourself and your husband?
As to your last question. I think when we are assertive in our speaking...we can maybe sense a lack of anger in our own tone. I might be wrong, but to me...when I am feeling angry and/or agitated...I can see how my language and the things I am saying and want to say become more aggressive. When I am being assertive...there is almost a sense of no anger...we don’t really need to be angry with someone if we are not trying to change them? I don’t know if that makes sense? At this point...you are not interested in her reasons for being how she is and so can probably assume that she is not interested in your reasons and even if she is...past history might be telling you that she would twist your words to her own advantage...so...again...it’s not about convincing her that she is wrong, she won’t be buying that. It’s about you making new choices and supporting yourself. She will know you are not open to it anymore by your new actions. When your reactions change...she will know also.
If you want to say to her that you don’t feel as though you’ve been given a fair shake and that you are no longer going to be open to communicating with her under these circumstances...and that you just thought it was appropriate to let her know this in your own words...then I don’t see a statement like that having any threads of sounding like you are trying to cause her pain or trying to cause her to change her thinking. (And it will work best when you say what you wanted to say...and then politely end the conversation and move on...without getting drawn into a discussion where you find yourself being attacked or find yourself getting angry and trying to defend yourself) I think I would be more comfortable making some kind of statement along these lines...rather than to just all of the sudden cut all ties...but that is just me...this is what would ultimately bring me more comfort and allow me to support my own decision better...allow me a better shot at then 'dropping it' for myself and moving forward. We are all different and it might make you much more comfortable to handle it differently and again...those others who’ve responded having known difficult MIL’s...perhaps they would have a better feel of how a conversation would go with your MIL.
Hoped something in the above was useful...
My best,
JOP
Something we all seem to do is to get caught up in thinking too far ahead. You have some ideas about how to make some changes concerning your MIL situation...that’s a great starting point. The other’s who have responded to you, those who have felt your situation more than I have, they may have more useful thoughts to share as far as your husband is concerned. My thinking from the outside would be...maybe consider that phrase about us 'being our own safe person'? You made past choices and your husband has made past choices and at the moment...you are thinking about being more assertive and making changes to your past choices.
Perhaps in finding ways not to beat yourself up over the choices you’ve made in the past with this situation...you can look for some legitimate ways to try and not beat your husband up too much over his past choices...and kind of allow that you are starting a new process here...that you understand a little better what you want for yourself and for you and your husband...you have a little better understanding of how you’re going to go about making the changes...and so maybe give it some time, to see what types of changes your changing brings forth in both yourself and your husband?
As to your last question. I think when we are assertive in our speaking...we can maybe sense a lack of anger in our own tone. I might be wrong, but to me...when I am feeling angry and/or agitated...I can see how my language and the things I am saying and want to say become more aggressive. When I am being assertive...there is almost a sense of no anger...we don’t really need to be angry with someone if we are not trying to change them? I don’t know if that makes sense? At this point...you are not interested in her reasons for being how she is and so can probably assume that she is not interested in your reasons and even if she is...past history might be telling you that she would twist your words to her own advantage...so...again...it’s not about convincing her that she is wrong, she won’t be buying that. It’s about you making new choices and supporting yourself. She will know you are not open to it anymore by your new actions. When your reactions change...she will know also.
If you want to say to her that you don’t feel as though you’ve been given a fair shake and that you are no longer going to be open to communicating with her under these circumstances...and that you just thought it was appropriate to let her know this in your own words...then I don’t see a statement like that having any threads of sounding like you are trying to cause her pain or trying to cause her to change her thinking. (And it will work best when you say what you wanted to say...and then politely end the conversation and move on...without getting drawn into a discussion where you find yourself being attacked or find yourself getting angry and trying to defend yourself) I think I would be more comfortable making some kind of statement along these lines...rather than to just all of the sudden cut all ties...but that is just me...this is what would ultimately bring me more comfort and allow me to support my own decision better...allow me a better shot at then 'dropping it' for myself and moving forward. We are all different and it might make you much more comfortable to handle it differently and again...those others who’ve responded having known difficult MIL’s...perhaps they would have a better feel of how a conversation would go with your MIL.
Hoped something in the above was useful...
My best,
JOP
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Mello Nello
- Posts: 299
- Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 2:00 am
Scaredygirl,
I trully beleive you hit the nail on the head!! Your motherinlaw wasnt and isnt ready to share her son with another woman, you. It wouldnt of mattered who he married, she would have treated any other woman your husband married the same way. She is very jealous that you have taken her little boy away from her. It is a very selfish thing for her to do, or to act the way she is toward you. But, I know how that feels, my motherinlaw did the same thing when i married her son. I did all the polite, kind, loving things toward her i could possible do, with total rejection from her. I wasnt good enough for her son,, in fact, no woman would have been good enough for him.
And as much as it hurt me, I decided regardless how she acted or treated me, this lady was going to love me. It took a long 5yrs for her to come around, and knowing that nothing she could do to me would take her son from me. My husband finally told her, he wouldnt come back to see them or have anything to do with them if they continured treating me in that manner. She didnt like it, but she slowly came around.
Over the years we really got to know each other, like real people, and after 37yrs of marriage to her son, she became like my own mom. She called me her daughter. It was rather strange knowing that inside her jealous, hateful way, there was a real , loving, kind, person inside. Remember, its NOT you doing anything wrong,, this is HER problem. Talk to your husband about it, tell him what she is doing, he is the head of your home, and he should set her straight, after all its his mom.
Dont beat yourself up for something that isnt your fault. Just be who YOU are!!! take care Nelly
I trully beleive you hit the nail on the head!! Your motherinlaw wasnt and isnt ready to share her son with another woman, you. It wouldnt of mattered who he married, she would have treated any other woman your husband married the same way. She is very jealous that you have taken her little boy away from her. It is a very selfish thing for her to do, or to act the way she is toward you. But, I know how that feels, my motherinlaw did the same thing when i married her son. I did all the polite, kind, loving things toward her i could possible do, with total rejection from her. I wasnt good enough for her son,, in fact, no woman would have been good enough for him.
And as much as it hurt me, I decided regardless how she acted or treated me, this lady was going to love me. It took a long 5yrs for her to come around, and knowing that nothing she could do to me would take her son from me. My husband finally told her, he wouldnt come back to see them or have anything to do with them if they continured treating me in that manner. She didnt like it, but she slowly came around.
Over the years we really got to know each other, like real people, and after 37yrs of marriage to her son, she became like my own mom. She called me her daughter. It was rather strange knowing that inside her jealous, hateful way, there was a real , loving, kind, person inside. Remember, its NOT you doing anything wrong,, this is HER problem. Talk to your husband about it, tell him what she is doing, he is the head of your home, and he should set her straight, after all its his mom.
Dont beat yourself up for something that isnt your fault. Just be who YOU are!!! take care Nelly
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scaredygrl
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 4:31 pm
hi all,
thanks again for your replies. i wish i could think that deep inside there is a loving person there. on top of what she has done to me, she has seriously screwed up my husband as well. she plays w/his mind all the time. her love is conditional - conditional upon doing whatever it is she wants. if he doesn't oblige, then he is 'cut-off' from the family. they currently don't talk to him (it's been about 5 mos now) because he couldn't go home for xmas ('home' is across the country from us) because he had to work. he suffers from generalized anxiety disorder because he's been abused by his mother (mentally) - he even has tics, etc it's so bad. honestly, no kidding, i'm pretty sure she has narcissitic personality disorder. dealing w/people like this is impossible. they will drain you and really don't care at all about you. i've never seen someone literally have no feelings toward their own children. i can't even begin to describe what i've witnessed from her. she has called my husband once in the last 2 years - and that was on his birthday to yell at him for not coming home for xmas, and to blame all of that on me. ugh, just thinking about her makes my stomach churn.
this has been such a bad situation for me because i have never known a person like this in my LIFE. seriously, she is so mean i can hardly believe it! it's like a surreal experience dealing w/her. sometimes i can't believe that she says and does the things she does. i mean, it's really really awful. last time we went to visit her, i HONESTLY think she tried to kill me. she wouldn't let anyone take me into the hospital, AND she kept telling everyone that i shouldn't eat any food and would take it away when people came to bring me something to eat. i was starving and soo sick w/pneumonia, bronchitis AND pleursy. husband and i had to call an ambulance to get to the hospital (they live in the middle of nowhere) and then we had to stay in a hotel because i could not bring myself to go back to that house and have not gone back since. that was the first time i had a panic attack in my life, and i've been having them ever since.
i wish i could describe the situation. i had no idea she was like this before i got married. she scares me, and everytime i hear about her or that she sent something/emailed/whatever i get those panicky feelings and get all dizzy.
thanks again for your replies. i wish i could think that deep inside there is a loving person there. on top of what she has done to me, she has seriously screwed up my husband as well. she plays w/his mind all the time. her love is conditional - conditional upon doing whatever it is she wants. if he doesn't oblige, then he is 'cut-off' from the family. they currently don't talk to him (it's been about 5 mos now) because he couldn't go home for xmas ('home' is across the country from us) because he had to work. he suffers from generalized anxiety disorder because he's been abused by his mother (mentally) - he even has tics, etc it's so bad. honestly, no kidding, i'm pretty sure she has narcissitic personality disorder. dealing w/people like this is impossible. they will drain you and really don't care at all about you. i've never seen someone literally have no feelings toward their own children. i can't even begin to describe what i've witnessed from her. she has called my husband once in the last 2 years - and that was on his birthday to yell at him for not coming home for xmas, and to blame all of that on me. ugh, just thinking about her makes my stomach churn.
this has been such a bad situation for me because i have never known a person like this in my LIFE. seriously, she is so mean i can hardly believe it! it's like a surreal experience dealing w/her. sometimes i can't believe that she says and does the things she does. i mean, it's really really awful. last time we went to visit her, i HONESTLY think she tried to kill me. she wouldn't let anyone take me into the hospital, AND she kept telling everyone that i shouldn't eat any food and would take it away when people came to bring me something to eat. i was starving and soo sick w/pneumonia, bronchitis AND pleursy. husband and i had to call an ambulance to get to the hospital (they live in the middle of nowhere) and then we had to stay in a hotel because i could not bring myself to go back to that house and have not gone back since. that was the first time i had a panic attack in my life, and i've been having them ever since.
i wish i could describe the situation. i had no idea she was like this before i got married. she scares me, and everytime i hear about her or that she sent something/emailed/whatever i get those panicky feelings and get all dizzy.